Chapters Twenty-three and Twenty-four: Really, I fell down the stairs. Please don't ask questions.

Bella knows she's dead, but unfortunately, we know that she is not, questioning on a very philosophical level Bella's usage of the word "knew." She thinks she's hearing angels, when she's actually hearing vampires who don't want her to die.

Bella is very injured and bleeding a whole lot. Even worse, James has bitten her, meaning that she's well on her way to becoming a vampire -- a very clumsy vampire, but a vampire nonetheless. Her only chance at remaining human is for Edward to suck all of the venom back out of her body, without continuing to drink so much blood that he kills her in the process. After a bit of confusion, Bella wakes up in a hotel room, meaning that sadly, Edward was successful. I suppose we'll have to read the next three books after all.

Not surprisingly, Bella's mom is at the hospital now, and the Cullens had to come up with a story that made sense -- Preferably, one that didn't involve vampires or other undead creatures. What they come up with is the kind of thing heard often in abusing relationships: she fell down two flights of stairs, then through a window. Most people would reasonably declare such a story to be absolute and total bullshit...but this is Bella Swan we're talking about. She's the clumsiest person on the Western Hemisphere, and has already put her own life in danger several times in the course of this one novel. All things considered, for a few days out of town, she probably did better than her parents expected.

Bella asks how Edward could have stopped drinking her blood, which he admits is quite delicious. He says he must really love her. I think he just filled up on bread first. While he dealt with that, Emmett and Jasper killed James.

The conversation between Edward and Bella is mostly boring, but once again, Alice provides the best part. You see, Bella's "accident" would require some evidence, and Alice apparently had a lot of fun providing it; according to Edward, she did such a good job that Bella could convincingly sue the hotel. If THAT became a subplot for the next book, Stephenie Meyer would instantly become one of my favorite authors.

Even in her current state, Edward still has quite an effect on Bella; her heart monitor goes crazy when he moves in for a kiss. In reality, that's probably not even that crazy, especially considering they're still in their early stages of their relationship...but because it's happening in this book, and it's so hammy, it's unbearable to read.

Anyway, Bella's mom comes to visit, and after a little panic from Bella, Edward confirms that he will stick around; he'll just pretend to take a nap while mom's in the room. Mom comments on how hot all the Cullen men are, since that's the only thing anyone can notice about them, and informs Bella that Phil signed yet another minor league contract with the Jacksonville Suns.

I hope everyone involved knows that Phil's career is going nowhere fast; I really hope Renee works, because your typical double-A baseball player who isn't a major league prospect (which it's clear from Phil's bouncing from team to team he's not -- he's just a player used to fill out the roster and provide appropriate level competition for developing youngsters) is somewhere in the neighborhood of $1,500 a month. Yeah, the life of a minor league baseball player is far from glamorous. No surprise, then, that Bella wants to stay with Edward in Forks. She makes excuses about having girlfriends, but both her and her mom know it's really about Edward.

When mom leaves, Edward "wakes up." She says she's not going to Jacksonville because Edward would have to stay inside all day -- it's far too sunny. While anyone outside the relationship would just tell Bella that she's clearly insane, Edward is a little more gentle when letting her know that he wouldn't have made the trip to Jacksonville with her anyway. This doesn't make Bella very happy, and she once again begs Edward not to leave her. Again, very healthy Bella! Way to have your own life. Then Edward gets to sulk a little too, saying how he easily could have killed her by drinking all of her blood. See, if you haven't noticed yet, he's DANGEROUS. Bella correctly points out that he didn't -- and call me crazy, but if he didn't kill her when he was explicitly instructed to suck out her blood, I'm pretty sure it's safe for him to be around her in the future.

But what Bella really wants to know is why Edward didn't just let her become a vampire. See, Bella doesn't think there's any downside to having to eat animals or people to survive, not being able to sleep, never aging, and having to leave her friends and family behind forever. She'd have Edward, isn't that enough? And if she ages -- my god, she's going to be 18 soon! -- then soon she'll be too old for Edward and he might not want her anymore. Her life is really, really hard...wouldn't it be way better if it would never end?

They argue about it for a while. It turns out that Alice has even seen her become a vampire, making Bella wonder why they can't just get it over with. Edward mentions that Alice also say Bella being dead, so she shouldn't count on losing her vampginity anytime soon.

Edward eventually forces Bella to take more sedatives so she can get a little rest, turning Bella into a babbling mess -- a vast improvement over her normal conversational abilities. And thus, the novel ends...

Except that we still have an epilogue. One more update, then it's really over.