Chapter Sixteen: An American werewolf is Paris.

Oh my god, Bella is going to drown! She's about to die! It's all over...no. She's fine, because Jacob showed up to rescue her just in the nick of time. How convenient. Jacob uses his wolf strength to get all the water out of Bella's lungs, thus making everything okay again. If Victoria really wants Bella dead, maybe she should just hang out with Jacob for a few hours and leave Bella to her own devices. Bella and Jacob agree that her actions were stupid, which by this point is a bit redundant.

Meanwhile, while Bella was off nearly killing herself, someone people actually like -- Harry Clearwater -- had a heart attack and is in the hospital. Harry is friends with Billy and Charlie, and it's not looking good. Now Bella feels guilty for wasting everyone's time with her stupidity. A little late now, little miss "I need to hear my subconscious version of Edward's voice." She is sent to rest on the couch in the Black residence, where Jacob decides to take a nap too -- apparently his snoring is as good as Edward's lullabies when it comes to putting Bella to sleep.

Bella actually has a non-literal dream for a change, but still wakes up with a very clear thought of what it was about. She basically puts herself in the shoes of Juliet, because Shakespeare has nothing on the Twilight series. So, her thought: what if Romeo hadn't ultimately wanted to be with Juliet? She would have thought about Romeo every day for the rest of her life, obviously; Bella is totally an expert on this, having had less than a year to get over Edward and knowing that she'd never do it even in another 50 years.

Then she wonders about Juliet's other suitor, Paris. He's not really much of a well-developed character, but what if he were also Juliet's best friend? What if he were also a werewolf and named Jacob? And what if they both wanted to make each other happy, even if Bella/Juliet didn't quite have the same kind of love for her werewolf best friend? Should they still string them along for a lifetime of an unfulfilling marriage where neither party is actually happy, but both sides can pretend for decades while secretly being miserable?

Okay, I suppose Bella didn't actually think that last part. But it's exactly what would happen if Bella followed the Paris plan of action she's considering. Luckily, even she's (barely) smart enough not to do that. Barely. I hope.

Anyway, Billy comes home with the news that Harry has passed away, which would be sadder if we knew Harry a little better. But I think as readers we're supposed to assume Harry was a great guy, so a moment of silence for Harry Clearwater, please...

...

Thanks! Jacob drives Bella home, and on the way, she once again considers whether or not stringing Jacob along in a pseudo-relationship is a terribly cruel thing to do (the correct answer, kids, is YES). Now she decides that she just wants to "stake a claim" to Jacob, so that he'll always be there as a safe harbor. First, she'll explain everything: that she's a broken shell of a woman, who would only be able to commit what's left of her pathetic self to Jacob, while still being madly in love with Edward (and still wanting to hear Headward) for the rest of her life. What a deal, who could possibly say no to that?

And yet Jacob, being a teenage boy and having his own set of issues, would almost certainly say yes. That's the basis of a healthy relationship if I've ever seen one. And Bella wonders if this would be wrong. YES, YES IT WOULD. Is it that hard to figure out?

And then, in a scene written in the same "this will look great in the movie" tradition of Dan Brown, Bella has a chance to make a move on Jacob, and even Headward tells her to be happy...which stiffens her up enough for Jacob to back off, ending the moment. Which could have made things awkward, but then Jacob smells something...

VAMPIRE ALERT!

Jacob makes a snap decision to get Bella out of there rather than phase into werewolf mode and starts the truck again, only for Bella to see that Carlisle's car is parked outside her house. It's a Cullen, not Victoria, she realizes, and gets Jacob to calm down for a minute while they sort things out. Bella has clearly defined levels of excitement about this, and decides that she's only going to hope for Carlisle. Apparently, even Esme gets her way too excited, but Carlisle...eh, not too exciting. Poor Carlisle -- I think he's a pretty cool guy, at least.

Bella want to go back, but Jacob won't take her -- werewolves and vampires don't get along so well 'round these parts. Bella insists though, so he lets her go on her own, and gives her a very warm goodbye:

"Bye, Bella, I really hope you don't die."

Wow, Jacob, bitter much?

Once Bella enters her house, she starts wondering if maybe the car could somehow be a trick. And then she figures something else out too, as she pushes her mind to the absolute limits of understanding the obvious after only a few hours: Jacob has told her that vampires have the advantage in the water, and she saw something that looked like fire on the water when she jumped off the cliff. Victoria has red hair. And now there's a vampire in her house. Oops.

Don't worry -- of course it's a Cullen. But who is Bella's mystery date? Find out next time on Twilight!