Chapter Eight: I love you, baby.

Bella and Jacob end up back on their favorite beach, chatting about their daring escape from Forks High. Bella knows the Cullens are going to be pissed when she gets back, but she's decided to spend a few hours not worrying about what her vampire kidnappers think of her.

Soon, the topic turns to werewolf gossip. It seems that Quil has imprinted! Maybe it's not as rare as everyone thinks, because he's the third one already. However, not everyone is so happy with Quil, particularly Emily. It seems that Quil imprinted on her cousin, Claire. Her two-year-old cousin.

Umm, okay.

But you see, there's nothing wrong with it! Quil can be patient, since he won't get any older. And Quil isn't going to want to sleep with her for over a decade at least -- until then, he'll just be the best friend, big brother, and protector. In summary, Stephenie Meyer wants you to know that this isn't creepy. I repeat, NOT CREEPY. It's just a teenage man becoming entirely devoted to a girl when she's two years old. Nothing creepy about that at all. Move along.

Jacob is worried that he won't imprint, because he can't see anyone but Bella in his head. He tells this to Bella, which goes about as well as you'd guess it would. Jacob tries to get Bella to stay even though he's just admitted that he thinks about her 24/7 and drives his pack crazy with his mental images of her, and...succeeds. Bella really isn't good at relationships of any type.

They go motorcycle riding, reliving their glory days of last year. Bella manages not to hurt herself, but when the roads get too muddy from the rain that's been falling all day, they head home for sandwiches and light conversation about the days when vampires had temporarily left Forks.

Alas, as usual, Bella's relationship with her sparkle-god comes up yet again. Jacob wants to know if she's serious about becoming a vampire, and when she says yes, he points out that this will break the ancient La Push-Cullen treaty that prevents the two sides from eating the crap out of each other. Bella says they'll move away first to make sure they don't break the treaty, but the problem is that there's no geographic limit; it's about the werewolves being able to trust the Cullens. Bella doesn't see why they can't all just get along, but Jacob seems really excited about having an excuse to kill some vampires...even if he's less happy about his best friend becoming an undead monster herself.

But hey, Jacob thinks, at least we have a few years before we have to worry about that, and they can be friends until then. Oops. Bella lets him in on the secret that she's planning to lose her vampginity in just a few weeks. Jacob nearly wolfs out on Bella, losing his shape a few times before calming himself enough to simply be chagrined in his human form. He'd really rather her be dead than a sparklepire, which Bella finds slightly offensive.

Bella leaves on her motorcycle, and manages to get all the way back to Cullen Manor without killing herself. Is this really the same Bella from the first two books? Alice is less than happy, but Bella doesn't want to hear it. She goes to bed early, waking up only after Edward gets home. Now it's time for Bella to really give it to him, right? She's pissed, and he's going to have to answer to her for the kidnapping and the imprisonment and all of his super-possessive behavior!

Hahahaha, yeah, right. The minute she sees him, it's all gone. He's just. That. PERFECT.

They discuss the bed, which Bella finds unnecessary. Edward points out that some things are easier in bed, which makes Bella think she might score...but no, Edward still isn't comfortable with the idea of accidentally killing his girlfriend with his vampire penis.

Edward does apologize for having Alice hold Bella hostage. Gee, that's nice Edward -- how long did it take you to realize that maybe that wasn't the best course of action? For some reason, Bella thinks she should apologize too...for...spending time with her friend. Or something. I don't know. This part of the chapter is giving me a headache.

On the bright side, Edward does agree to let Bella go where she wants, and he's going to try to be less of a werewolf bigot from now on. Of course, Bella's not likely to be going back to La Push anytime soon anyway, but I suppose it's the thought that counts.

Then some other stuff happens for a few pages. You know, Bella is worried that other vampire women like Tanya liked Edward, even though he didn't like them, and she's jealous. And then Edward tells her that he loves her more than a million mountain lions and that she's the most beautiful thing ever and here comes that headache again!

Luckily, Bella falls back asleep, and now the chapter's over. You'll have to try harder than that to fry my brain, Meyer...