Chapter Nine: The reader is the third wheel.

Okay, it's not really the reader: it's Mike Newton, who has been the series' go-to guy for a third wheel (with Tyler as a close second) all along. But it didn't have to be that way for poor Mike. It all started on one fateful Valentine's Day...

Bella had lost track of the date, and was therefore surprised when Jacob gave her those chalky little candy hearts that everyone hates. He asks her to be his Valentine, which makes her uncomfortable. She knows she has to set some boundaries...but of course, she doesn't. That would be too easy. Instead, she wusses out, which is pure Bella Swan. When Jacob asks about Fridays, she makes an excuse about going to the movies with her other friends...but then immediately capitulates by inviting Jacob along too.

Next up, Bella needs to find some actual friends to go to the movies with on Friday. Mike is her first target, and he's ready for a date! He's a little less ready for a platonic group outing to the movie theater, but he's still in, if less enthusiastic about his chances of scoring. They go ahead and invite half of Forks High School to the movies.

Of course, very few people like Bella anymore, so most people say no. Who can blame them after she didn't talk to them for four months? Those four blank pages were tough enough for me to read; for someone who had to put up with her every day, it had to be excruciating.

I need to take a moment to point out something annoying that Stephenie Meyer does throughout these books. In most novels, real world pop culture references are either avoided, or utilized because they add a lot to the story. Meyer seems to take a different approach: using them for no apparent reason at all. For instance, When Bella wants to see the gory action flick Crosshairs, Mike suggests the romantic comedy Tomorrow and Forever instead, pointing out that "Rotten Tomatoes gave it a better review." Is there really any reason at all for mentioning Rotten Tomatoes? Can't he just saw that it got better reviews? And if you're going to use something like that, you should at least use it right: Rotten Tomatoes doesn't really give reviews, they just aggregate the reviews of other critics in one place. At least, that's what everyone uses the site for.

Is that nitpicking? Damn right it is, but these books are starting to get to me.

Anyway. Only Ben and Angela agree to go to the movies with them, and even that falls through when Angela comes down with the stomach flu. That leaves just Bella, Jacob and Mike to go to the movies. When everyone shows up at Bella's house, we're told that Mike is waaaay smaller and less awesome than Jacob. He's a measly human, and not even a main character! Jacob built his own freaking car, and is huge. Jacob and Mike don't get along (hint: they both like Bella!), but Bella doesn't want to be alone with either of them, so they still go to the movie together.

Crosshairs proves to be the gore-fest it was advertised as, with lots of explosions and beheadings and other things that sound way more exciting than anything actually happening in THIS book. During the movie, both Jacob and Mike passively try to make a move by leaving their hands available for grabbing at all times. Bella has none of it. Eventually Mike gives up, then gets sick and has to head to the bathroom. While Mike pukes, Jacob and Bella try to induce the same in the reader by having a private conversation in the lobby.

Jacob tries to make a move on Bella, which she resists. Jacob then asks Bella if she likes him, which she does -- better than all the other boys and girls in town. But only as a friend. Jacob says that's fine, as long as he's the BEST, and that he understands she's still hung up on Edward. If this guy's as great as Bella makes him out to be, he should really find another girl who's a little less broken, but hey, whatever he wants. He's even okay with the situation as is: he sometimes holds her, or hugs her, or grabs her hand...and these little moments mean something different to her (yay, a friend who cares!) than to him (GIRL GIRL I'M TOUCHING A GIRL!). Bella, selfless as always, allows this healthy dynamic to continue, even though she supposedly thinks of Jacob as her best friend. Well, they're two consenting fictional characters, so as long as they're both happy...

Mike throws up, a lot. You see, he's not awesome. They take him home early, and then Bella and Jacob talk again. He tells her that he'll never let her down, ever. Remember all those repetitive talks Bella and Edward used to have about their relationship? Bella and Jacob's conversations aren't quite as bad, but there sure are a lot of them. And every time, Bella has the same thoughts: "I can't let him be interested in me! But I can't let him go! He's all I have! I love him, just not in that way! DON'T THINK ABOUT EDWARD I don't want to hurt Jacob!"

Anyway, Jacob is feeling funny too, so he heads home early. When he doesn't call to say he made it home, Bella checks in on him instead, and Billy confirms he made it -- he's just feeling sick. The next morning, Bella has a stomach flu of her own. This chapter is just full of vomit! Also, some people get sick, too. Sorry, too easy.

By the next morning, Mike feels better. Predictably, Bella recovers later that day. But Jacob is still sick -- he doesn't think he has the same thing they caught. In fact, he doesn't want Bella to come visit him until he says it's safe.

Mysterious, but Bella plays along. I sure hope nothing bad happens to Jacob; if Bella didn't have Edward or him in her life, chagrined wouldn't begin to cover what she'd feel.