Chapter Seven: Rosalie was just too pretty for her own good.

Rosalie enters Bella's room to talk. She's been meaning to talk to Bella while Edward wasn't around, so that she could provide the readers with her backstory without making it feel too contrived. All Bella knows is there was something that happened like the time she was attacked in Port Angeles, only Rosalie didn't have a sparklepire nearby to protect her. Oh, but there's so much more...storytime!

The year was 1933, and Rosalie was 18, living in Rochester, NY. Her dad's job in a bank (the one that didn't fail) gave her a solid middle-class upbringing, sheltering her from the horrors of the Great Depression. The Giants beat the Senators in five games in the World Series, and FDR had just taken office. More importantly in the life of Rosalie Hale, though, she was really hot, and she could use this to snag a rich husband. Rosalie's biological clock started ticking around this time, as her friend Vera -- already married (Rosalie points out every couple paragraphs that 1933 was "a different time") -- had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy.

If you wanted to be a big player in Rochester (which is a bit like saying you're the warmest sparklepire...I mean, really, Rochester "royalty?"), you dealt with the King family. Rosalie's mom managed to set her up with Royce King, who owned just about everything of note in town. Of course, because Rosalie is really hot, Royce takes to her immediately. He shows this by constantly sending her flowers, though I have to say, I now know that muffins taste better than flowers.

Within two months, the lovebirds were engaged, despite the fact that they hardly spent much time with each other besides looking good at parties. After all, he was rich and she was hot, so what else mattered? Before long, they were to be wed at a crazy lavish wedding that would be the biggest event in Rochester history, narrowly beating out that other time something happened in Rochester.

But something does bother Rosalie, because she sees how Vera and her husband interact, and there doesn't seem to be that...what do you call it again?...oh right, LOVE thing coming from Royce. But who cares, she's going to be queen of Rochester!

Heading home from Vera's house one night just a week before the wedding, Rosalie runs into some drunk men...including Royce, who starts calling out to her. Royce has a friend from Atlanta up for a visit, whom he brags to about just how hot Rosalie is...much hotter than any of the "Georgia peaches," as he puts it. But John from Atlanta disagrees, and says the only way to tell for sure is to actually see a little more of Rosalie, without all those annoying clothes in the way. Well, that seems reasonable...oh. OH. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH.

Rosalie doesn't go into any detail on the attack itself (thank you, Stephenie Meyer), but she says that the men basically left her for dead afterwords. But Carlisle found her first. At the time, Rosalie knew of the Cullens (back then, just Carlisle and Esme, with Edward pretending to be Esme's brother), and hated them for being hotter than her, but rarely talked to them since they didn't participate in high society. Carlisle bites her, leaving her in agonizing pain for a few days. Meanwhile, Edward really isn't happy with them turning such a recognizable face into a sparklepire, but Carlisle couldn't just let her die, because despite all the faults of these books, Carlisle is a pretty cool guy.

Rosalie pretty much accepts the fact that she's a vampire once she thirsts human blood and has rock hard skin. But, because she's so shallow, what really matters to her is that she's EVEN HOTTER NOW. Over time though, she decides that her hotness was to blame for all her problems. Ugh, why couldn't she just have been plain, so that her fiancee and his friends wouldn't have raped and almost killed her? It was totally her fault for being too hot...come on now Rosalie, don't blame the victim, don't blame yourself! You're better than that! Well, maybe not...but still!

So anyway, Rosalie ends the story by pointing out that she has almost as clean a record as Carlisle, better even than Esme. She's never tasted human blood...but she did kill seven people. She killed the other four men who attacked her, saving Royce for last. He hid in a windowless room with two armed guards and a thick door, but these were no problems for a newborn sparklepire. After killing the two guards, she made a very theatrical scene of Royce's death, including wearing a wedding dress to really freak him out. Fun times!

And thus ends the story of Rosalie. But she also wants to tell Bella why she had such a problem with her. At first, Rosalie says, it was because Edward wanted Bella and not her, because she's so used to people wanting her for her hotness. Rosalie is so vain that this bothered her for a long time, but she's over it now. I'd hope so, especially since she doesn't even want Edward -- she's got Emmett, she's just jealous that ANYONE would want ANYONE who isn't her. Sigh.

She still isn't exactly Bella's best friend, though. She's very against Bella's plans to become a vampire, mostly because Bella already has everything that Rosalie wants -- the chance at a full human life -- and she's going to throw it away. If someone had given Rosalie a choice, she would have chosen to stay a human, because no mater how vain she is, she's not a complete lunatic.

Bella reminds her that she got some of her happy ending with Emmett. Apparently, Rosalie saved him because he reminded her of Vera's son, which is very creepy and a tad selfish. But it did end up working out well for both of them, so maybe the ends justified the means. Alas, Rosalie will never have the children she wanted...though I suppose they could always adopt, right?

Rosalie simply doesn't want Bella to make permanent decisions about her life at age 18, which is actually kind of reasonable. And with a promise to think about it (hint: Bella won't think about it), Bella finally gets to go to sleep, confident that Rosalie will be slightly less of a bitch to her from now on.

When Bella wakes up, Alice drives them to school. In case you forgot, Bella is still the prisoner of a family of vampires. So that she won't see her best friend. Because they love her. Right. Alice does wish Bella was having fun, but there's no chance of that as long as she's being held against her will. Who would have thought?

At lunch, Bella is still being mopey. Her friends want to make plans for that night, but she can't because there's no way out...

...except that Jacob flies into the parking lot on his motorcycle, and screams at Bella to run. Jail break! What a great move by Jacob, taking advantage of Alice's blind spot to swoop in and get Bella out, since Bella didn't know it would happen and she hadn't made any decision to leave. Seriously, that's gotta be the most heads-up play of the book so far, well done werewolf boy!

Mike agrees to cover for Bella, earning him a kiss on the cheek, which is probably about enough to make him flustered for the rest of the day. Alice sees Bella on the way out, and is furious, but helpless to stop her -- how would she explain how she was able to run at super-speed to catch Bella, let alone why it's okay for her to physically stop her from leaving with a friend?

Jacob shoots off for La Push, and doesn't slow down until they hit the Quileute treaty line. Score one for the good guys!