Chapter Twenty-One: If you hate tourists, you'll love the Volturi.

So, our heroes head down below Volterra with their Volturi hosts, though lots of boring hallways and doors and shit, until they get to...an elevator? At least once they're away from prying eyes, it seems the Volturi like their modern amenities. The elevator takes them down into the Volturi's office space, complete with secretary.

A human, secretary, much to Bella's chagrin. To be fair, the secretary is very good at her job -- businesslike and courteous, never misplaces a message, and she never even asks to eat any leftover human when the Volturi are done.

There's a bit more walking through places, and then they get to the big main chamber where the Volturi hang out, including their founder and CEO, Aro. He's very happy to see everyone, and even knows Bella by name. It turns out that Aro has an ability that's slightly different than Edward's; he needs to touch someone to use it, but once he does, he gets to hear every thought you've ever had. Yes, even THAT thought. Oh, you know the one. HE KNOWS.

Marcus and Caius, the other bigwigs at Volturi, Inc., step in to meet their guests. They're less interested, but given that there's a board meeting going on, they have to be there. Work sucks, even when you're a vampire. Aro does most of the talking; the others just hang out and yawn a bit in the background. It could also be that they're just so old that they're fed up with Aro's bullshit after all these years, but it's the kind of thing you can't say in the middle of a meeting.

Anyway, Aro wants to know how Edward manages not to eat Bella. Aro misses Carlisle, who also didn't eat people, but is even more impressed by Edward, because he can see just how appetizing her blood is to Edward. Even though he never thought Carlisle would be successful, and will probably lose a few bets with the other sparklepires, he's happy to see that he was successful in finding vampires who didn't like brutally murdering people.

Aro is very curious about something else, too. Will Bella's magic anti-mind reading abilities work again Aro too? Sure enough, he can't drain Bella's mind of thoughts any more than Edward can read them.

And then he asks Jane to test too. Jane's ability is a little more awesome than any of the others we've seen so far. With her thoughts alone, she can put others through incredible agony -- enough to force Edward to the floor in pain just by smiling at him. I like you, Jane! And yet, when she tries it on Bella, it doesn't work.

So, if you're keeping score at home...

Edward: The Perfect Sparklepire.
Jacob: The Edward of Werewolves.
Bella: The Edward of Humans.

And they're all living in the same town, what are the odds?

Now it's time to get down to business. Aro wants Edward and Alice to join the Volturi; after all, their gifts aren't totally lame, and might actually come in handy in those rare cases where unbearable pain isn't the answer. Then he asks Bella; after all, her talent for not letting people into her head will only get stronger when she loses her vampginity, so why not have her on their side?

Of course, Bella says no, much to Aro's chagrin. Aro's a pretty nice guy for being 3,000 years old though, so he's not going to kill anyone. Caius disagrees; since Bella is a human and knows their secrets, he's ready to end things there and then, unless one of two things happens: Edward is willing to eat her should she betray them, or they intend to turn Bella into a sparklepire eventually. Edward doesn't exactly say no, but he's hesitant to say yes; he'd really have to mean it, or Aro would know by reading his thoughts.

But with Edward debating what to do, Alice becomes awesome and walks up to Aro, giving him her hand. She, as you may recall, already intends to help Bella lose her vampginity, so she can give Aro the reassurances he needs. Alice can even show him what she's seen in the future -- like Bella being a vampire. Alice is the best.

Anywho, Edward asks if they're free to go now, and Aro gives his blessing. He even asks them to come again, especially if they've collected enough frequent biter miles to earn a free trip. Caius promises to visit Forks, because he's heard that Newton's Sporting Goods is the place to go for a tent, and he really needs one. Oh, and to make sure Bella's a vampire and all that too.

With Heidi (presumably, another vampire) nearly ready to return with dinner, Edward asks if they can leave. You wouldn't want accidents to happen, resulting in someone having a Bella chaser after dessert. They have to wait below ground until dark, but they're welcome to leave the big scary room.

Edward, Alice and Bella leave with an escort, and that could easily have been the end of the chapter. But in her infinite wisdom, Stephenie Meyer allowed the chapter to go on for two more pages -- two of my favorite in the whole series so far. See, on their way out, Bella and the gang pass by forty or so tourists being led by Heidi, a hot vampire in a skimpy outfit that is leading the tour group on their last trip ever. Some of them are pretty clueless, and are still taking pictures; others, who are not such idiots, realize that maybe something is wrong now that they're way underground and surrounded by scary dead-looking people. As Bella and Edward run from the room, they hear the screams of the tourists getting the crap eaten out of them back in Aro's board room.

Fucking tourists. They had it coming.