Chapter Twenty-Three: I don't want to turn thirty either, Bella, but this is ridiculous.

Bella has jet lag, and sleeps in for a while now that she's back in Forks. She has lots of dreams and nightmares, and might have slept a little too long, because she thinks she's being delusional. Now, it's true that she's probably delusional about a lot of things, but her precious sparklepire is definitely there in the flesh, and she's awake at one in the morning.

So, pressing matters: Bella needs to come up with a story to tell Charlie to explain why she was in Italy for three days. They've got nothing. How about "Edward was suicidal and his family thought he would feel better if he saw me?" That's got the advantage of not even being a lie.

Edward fills Bella in on what he's been up to for the last year or so. Turns out there's something Edward isn't good at -- really, I'm as shocked as you are -- and it's tracking. He's been failing badly at keeping track of what Victoria's up to, and was shocked to find that Bella would turn to yucky werewolves to protect her (remember how vampires and werewolves don't like each other? Just checking!).

He feels just awful about putting Bella's life in danger like that, so Bella feels the need to apologize. Edward doesn't need to feel guilty, she says, because none of this is his fault: she's just the world's worst klutz and makes horrible decisions all the time. She's putting herself in danger just by getting out of bed each morning, and there's nothing Edward can do to change that.

Edward stops her there. It's not that he doesn't feel guilty, but he was really more upset over the fact that, you know, he thought she was dead. Bella doesn't seem to get that Edward would be sad if she were dead. No offense, Bella, but even if Edward were entirely serious about what he had said when he broke up with you, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like you being dead.

And guess what? In the most shocking plot twist since it turned out that there were more words printed on the next page after I had turned the previous one, Edward -- get this -- was LYING! No way! He's actually super-duper in love with Bella! He's just a good liar (no, you're really not, Edward -- your girlfriend is an idiot) who wanted to make a clean break when he was sure he had to leave for her own good. Again, this is a totally healthy relationship. No issues here.

Edward is actually kind of shocked that Bella believed him, considering he told her he loved her about a million times in the months before he left. That makes two of us. Bella then spends a couple pages doubting how Edward could ever love her (very rational, given what we know about Bella), then saying that he loves him too, and then they kiss, and Bella gets dizzy again. At least she didn't faint this time.

So, Edward isn't going anywhere, they're going to be happy together, and he'll never leave again. In fact, it was hard for him not to come back to her earlier, and it probably wouldn't have been long before he had, because while he may be an immortal sparkle god, he's too weak to stick by his decisions. He uses some very mushy metaphors to describe how important she is to him, which confuses her, because that's how she thinks Edward has changed her life instead.

Okay, Bella, let's have a talk. This is how good relationships work. See, while he's (supposedly) making your life wonderful, you're (apparently) doing the same thing for him. Why do you think he sticks around? You get this, right Bella? Right? We'll work on this some more next book, I promise.

Edward vows to hunt down Victoria, which freaks Bella out. But no matter how much she forbids it, he's determined to kill Victoria before she comes after his girlfriend. Bella's going to have to learn something: there's a reason Edward, Jacob, and all of their male friends and relatives are ready to fight evil supernatural creatures to protect her -- it's what guys do! Even more so if you're a supernatural guy with magic powers. Don't worry Bella, I'm sure you'll eventually understand this too. You have a lot of things to work on, but that next book has a lot of pages in it.

Bella, though, says she has bigger problems than Victoria. Edward guesses werewolves -- nope. It's the Volturi, though Edward thinks that it'll take them a long time before they come for a visit; they're so ancient that time works on a different scale for them. It might not be until Bella's 30. And OLD.

This makes Bella sad. How can she be a withering old husk of thirty? It's simply not fair that she has to live to be an -- ugh -- young adult! Edward is committed to letting her have a full, human life. And then, apparently, killing himself soon after she dies so he can be with her again, which Bella rightly thinks is sick and disturbing. Healthy relationship, everyone!

Edward has a plan to keep the Volturi away from Bella, plans that involve Bella staying human. I'm sure Edward's plans will definitely fool the world's most powerful group of ancient vampires who do these sorts of things for a living (an undeading?), because Edward's plans have worked flawlessly up until this point against much lesser opposition. Plus, he's working with Bella, and we know she's a horse you want to bet on!

Bella is pissed that she's going to have to be a human being. What a curse, having a soul and all that. So she's got some plans of her own; she wants the Cullens to have some say in what happens. It's time for Vampire Decision 2010! The whole Cullen family is going to vote on Bella's mortality -- will they take her vampginity or not?

Personally, I'm rooting for a surprise win by "Let's Just Eat Bella." Vote third party!