Chapter Two: If he loves you, he'll sabotage your car.

It takes Bella less than one paragraph of this chapter to tell us that she's dating the most perfect person/vampire on the whole entire planet, so I think we should keep an eye on all the perfect things Edward does in good old chapter two.

It's almost graduation time in Forks, meaning it's time to send out graduation announcements. Apparently, people still do that. I never did that, but maybe it's a girl thing? I don't know. Anyway, Angela (a human, that's why you don't remember her) needs help with hers, so Bella's going to use that as a chance to show Charlie she's adding balance to her life. Now that Bella's sort of not grounded anymore, Alice wants to have a big celebration, and Angela concurs. But all Bella wants to do is talk to Jacob.

Oh, Jacob...the boy who she used and who in turn hated her because he has an ancient blood feud with her boyfriend. In other words, her best friend. He's the one person she can't see, in part because Alice can't see him either, meaning Edward can't have a 100% guarantee of her safety. Not that he's overprotective or anything, because he's PERFECT.

Alice has a vision at lunch, but she won't say of what, mostly because all their other human friends aren't in on the whole vampire thing. Edward conspicuously manages not to talk to Bella about it, because avoiding talking to your girlfriend is something that perfect boyfriends do all the time. Edward goes as far as to talk cars with Mike Newton, a 3rd-tier character who he couldn't possibly care less about.

When they get home, Edward kisses Bella as passionately as he can handle, just to keep her mouth shut. Using sex to avoid talking about important issues is perfect! Later on, Edward pulls out the plane tickets to Jacksonville that Esme and Carlisle gave Bella last year for her birthday. Bells has understandably not thought about them much, since that was the birthday when she almost died.

Edward wants to get Bella to go to Florida this weekend, before the tickets expire. His real reason, of course, is to get her out of town for the weekend. Best not to tell her anything about why, of course; a perfect boyfriend knows better than to share with his girlfriend. On a totally unrelated note, Edward claims that what Alice saw at lunchtime was Jasper visiting the sunny southwest, near his old family of human-eating vampires.

Bella makes Charlie his favorite dinner to try to get him to let her out with Edward. But she's thinking maybe a trip to Port Angeles, so when Edward spontaneously mentions the plane tickets to Florida, Bella is shocked. Why, Bella? Isn't going behind your back exactly what you'd expect your perfect boyfriend to do? Charlie loves the idea of Bella going to visit mom, but not so much Edward coming along for the trip. Charlie attempts to use this as a reason to ground her, but Bella -- definitely not the perfect daughter -- uses the "I'll just move out then" card to defuse the situation, and heads out to have a talk with her perfect boyfriend.

Edward, perfect as he is, forbids Bella from going to a party in La Push, regardless of whether she's in Forks or not. Classy! They hang out at Edward's place for a while, where they play chess with Alice and Jasper.

By the way, the whole thing with Edward and Alice playing chess against each other? Their abilities aren't quite as useful as you might imagine, particularly if the opponent knows what's going on. In that case, all you have to do is make moves instinctively each time you get to the board, and not think about the game between moves, nullifying their supernatural advantage entirely. Granted, you'd have to be pretty darn good to do that, and there's also the danger of them deciding to eat you once you've foiled their plans, so it might be better to play along. In any case, if Alice played anywhere near reasonably, there's no way she was forced to lose after two moves. Also, I'm pretty sure that nobody else cares nearly as much about vampire chess as me.

Bella comes home, and Charlie wants to talk to Bella. Actually, he wants to have THE talk. Edward, in his perfectness, decided not to let Bella know about this ahead of time. Bella tries to get out of it by saying mom gave her the talk a decade earlier, but Charlie thinks they need to have it again. Just as he's about to launch into a talk about preferred birth control methods, Bella admits she's still a virgin (having both her virginity and vampginity intact), which allows Charlie to back down a little.

Charlie also asks how Bella's doing with adding balance to her life. Specifically, he wants her to make up with Jacob. This puts Jacob back on Bella's brain, and she decides that if she sneaks out now, she'll have just enough time to get down to La Push and back without Edward ever being the wiser. Of course, she'd smell like werewolf when she got home, but who can blame her for forgetting that part? She's not the perfect one, after all. Dad lets her head out, and she jumps in her truck to drive down to see the pack.

Only her truck won't start.

Because Edward sabotaged it. BECAUSE HE'S PERFECT.

Alice no longer could see Bella in her visions, so Edward surmised (perfectly) that she was heading off to the werewolf 'hood. Alice can't see the werewolves, probably because their transformations confound predictability. But no worries, because Edward promises to put the car back together in time for her to drive to school in the morning!

Edward tells Bella that if she's mad, she can close her bedroom window, and he won't spend the night with her. She does for a moment, but then opens it again as wide as she can.

After all, if we've learned one thing during this chapter, it's that Edward is the world's most perfect person. How could you possibly stay mad at him for more than a few seconds?