Chapter Twenty-Two: I'll believe sparklepires, I'll believe werewolves, but not this.

It's really damn cold in the mountains, and Bella is cold. Usually, this would be when she'd get her boyfriend to warm her up, but he's an ice cold sparklepire. Guess you didn't think of that when you were declaring him to be the most perfectest perfect thing ever, did you Bella?

Anyone see where this is going yet?

Jacob is outside whining in his wolf form, worried about Bella. But she's committed to staying and riding out the storm. Edward is pissed off at Jacob's thoughts, and wonders why he can't go fetch a space heater or something.

No, really, you see what's coming, right?

Jacob goes back to human form, and walks into the tent. He'll be the space heater, considering he runs at around 109 degrees (that's 43 Celsius, for my non-existent audience outside America). Edward is not happy about this, but is okay with Jacob being around to make the tent warmer. That seems normal.

Then Jacob crawls into Bella's sleeping bag. To warm her up better. While Edward watches. And he suggests she takes her clothes off. And Edward can read his mind and see exactly what Jacob is fantasizing about. And Edward just sits there and is perfectly okay with this arrangement.

No. Freaking. Way. Never in a million years, whether he's a vampire or a space alien or a half-unicorn, half-zombie hybrid, is Edward going to let a guy who sexually assaulted his girlfriend a few weeks ago share a sleeping bag with her right in front of him and just sit there and be (mostly) cool with it. Oh, having him round to keep the tent warm? Sure, that's just something you do, because you don't want her to freeze. Having them spooning in the same tiny tent as you? Not so much.

While Bella is half-asleep, half-listening, Jacob and Edward have a thought conversation that goes something like this:

Jacob: "You're jealous I can warm her up!"
Edward: *sigh* "Yep."
Jacob: "You're jealous I could sleep with her without killing her!"
Edward: *sigh* "Yep."
Jacob: "You're really, really jealous!"
Edward: *sigh* "Yep."
Jacob: "But you have the advantage of knowing she's in love with you."
Edward: "Yep!"
Jacob: "It's good to know that we're both insanely jealous."
Edward: "Yep."

And then Jacob asks what Edward would do if she chose Jacob instead. He apparently wouldn't kill Jacob, because that would hurt Bella. Then they spend a couple pages talking about how Edward could cope with losing Bella when Jacob asks about this, presumably because he's anticipating losing her when she loses her vampginity.

They then talk about Edward's possible outcomes for Bella: one, that she felt less strongly about him, so if he left, she'd move on; two, he could stay with her throughout her human life, but that's it; three he could run away, which didn't work out so well; or four, let her be a sparklepire too. Jacob doesn't want Edward to give up on the first option, and even Edward admits that Jacob's plan to woo Bella might have worked given another six months or so. Edward says that if that ever happened, then he'd let Bella go, but he'd always be watching over her -- because Jacob might imprint on someone else, and then he wouldn't have a choice but to leave Bella.

Here's an exercise for the reader! Read over that whole passage again, the entirety of the interaction between Jacob and Edward. Highlight everything that sounds like something that might actually be said in a conversation between a teenage boy who is in love with another guy's girlfriend, and that other guy, who is simultaneously a teenager and over 100 years old.

Correct answer: If you even thought you needed to grab a highlighter just in case, you're so wrong.

Edward asks Jacob to think about the stories Bella heard at the bonfire, because he wants to know all about the "third wife" he's heard Bella talk about. Oops! Edward immediately realizes how this will work with Bella's self-destructive tendencies. Jacob and Edward have some half-joking discussion about who would win a fight between them (look, something close to what they might actually talk about were they real people and not simply cardboard cutouts!).

Edward hums Bella's lullaby extra loudly, both to block out Jacob's thoughts and to make sure Bella falls asleep. Bella assumes this is all a dream, unaware that it's just really, really bad characterization on the author's part.