Chapter Twenty-four: What? WHAT?

Before I start writing this update, can we just all agree that it's disappointing that Stephenie Meyer credits Muse with giving her a lot of her inspiration while writing? I mean, I like Muse! Now they're forever associated with...this. Ugh. It hurts.

Anyway, so Edward's back. And he's heard everything. Uh-oh! Time for the shit to hit the fan! Even Smeyer couldn't write her way out of this one! Edward's going to flip out, kill Bella, then go kill Jacob, then kill himself. The newborns will take out all the confused Cullens and werewolves, then eat all of Bella's friends. Charlie will live, because I like Charlie. The winner: the readers!

Wait...what's this that's happening? No. No!!

First, Edward says he understands that Bella is only human. And that Jacob is too. And he laughs about Jacob being devious enough to get her to ask. And he says he understands that Jacob can give her things he never could. That Jacob filled her holes during the time when he left her.

Even Bella can't take this bullshit, and points out that Edward should be cursing at her and possibly leaving her at this point for what she just did. Edward realizes she's right, and drinks all of her blood in response.

Haha, just kidding! No, Edward says that not only isn't he going to force her to choose, he's willing to be exactly as large a part of Bella's life as she wants. From nothing to everything to some weird time-sharing arrangement where he gets her on weekends and alternate holidays.

Now Bella pretty much jumps Edward in an attempt to get him to fight for her like any normal guy -- vampire, werewolf, zombie or satyr -- should do, if he cares about the girl half as much as Edward claims to want Bella. Specifically, she wants some campsite sex, and she wants it now. But he won't, and he lists five reasons why!

1. It's cold.
2. He is "bizarrely normal for a vampire."
3. Bella smells like werewolf.
4. He'll do it with her later, he promises!!
5. Oh yeah, there's that fight that's about to happen!

It's fight time, and you might think this would make for some excitement. But this is the Twilight series, and we never, ever get what we want. We're not going to actually see the fight -- remember, this whole crapfest is told from Bella's first person perspective -- and that means "we" aren't there to check out the action. Instead, we get Edward's commentary which he's reading from Seth's shared park mind.

Yeah, and it's not like Edward is a skilled color guy. Vin Scully, Howard Cosell, Bob Costas, Edward Cullen...one of these things is not like the other, one of these things does not belong! But he tries. Basically, Jasper's plan works, the vampo-werewolfian alliance kicks ass, and the newborns are all on the defensive.

But then something happens, because it gets really quiet, and Edward tells Seth to go. Seth runs off. Bella has no idea what's going on, but she's already planning on sticking a dagger in herself so she can fulfill her martyr complex. Sigh.

Turns out that Victoria was sneaky and followed Edward's scent figuring that Bella was so damn predictably dependent on him that she'd be with her sparklepire. And what were the odds, she's right! She's also brought a young boy vampire with her.

Bella imagines dying some more. Edward spends a few pages trying to convince Riley (the boy-pire) that Victoria doesn't actually love him. I'll save you a lot of time -- he fails. But it does buy time for Seth to come back. It was all a trap!

The fight drags on for a while. Basically, Seth fights Riley while Edward takes on Victoria. Seth sort of looks like he might be losing for a while, while Edward's fight is too close to call. So, of course, Bella does something stupid, or at least she tries to: she takes a rock to her arm, in a very uncreative attempt to "help" by cutting herself, which will (in theory) distract the evil vampires just long enough to save her friends.

But actually, she doesn't even have to do that. She's so dramatic in her preparation to be the center of attention that Victoria looks over at her, as if to say: "Really? Does it always have to be about you Bella?"

In vampire time, though, a moment is like...several moments, and that's enough for Edward to get the advantage. He rips off one of Riley's arms, then comes back to take down Victoria. Seth has no problem with the one-armed Riley, kicking his ass at the same time.

Victoria tries to run, but Edward is faster, because he's always faster. He finishes the fight by beheading Victoria...which, admittedly, is kind of badass. At least, it probably will be in the movie.