Chapter Twenty: That awkward talk every vampire has with his girl.

Everyone's ready for the vampocolypse! Charlie's going to stay in La Push, where a couple of the youngest werewolves will keep guard. Angela, Ben and Mike are taking Bella's concert tickets, so they'll be out of town. And Bella has scooted over to Edward' s house to prepare for the big fight. Edward even gave her a nice shiny rock charm to put next to her wolf on that bracelet.

But Bella has one thing she wants to talk to Edward about. See, it seems like he's getting everything in the relationship. He wants her to get married, to go to college, and to get a faster car. And all she gets in return is a life of vampirism. No deal, she says! She won't give in on marriage unless she gets what she wants: before Edward takes her vampginity, he's going to have to take her virginity too. Hot! Well, actually, really cold, and probably very comfortable, now that I think about it.

Edward has other concerns. Mainly, that he'll kill Bella when he loses control mid-coitus. When he says he's rock hard, he's not joking!

But Bella has already shown many times that she couldn't care less about being alive or dead, as long as she can have her sparklepire. And she's afraid that her unhealthy obsession might go away after she becomes all undead, and gains the slightly healthier fixation with human blood.

And Bella's not convinced Edward could kill her. I mean, he destroys some metal stuff just to prove that he can -- once again, what a great boyfriend, am I right guys? -- but she doesn't think he could ever lose control with her, consider how good he is at not eating her.

So she keeps begging, and after a while, it seems like he's given in. Am I really going to have to read a Bella/Edward sex scene, Stephanie? You wouldn't do that to me, would you? I don't know, there's some pretty heavy foreplay going on here. At several points in this conversation, Bella rushes to get her clothes off, confident that a little boob action will turn Edward into a quivering pile of mush -- after all, he may be over 100, but he's apparently also a virgin...and in some ways, still acting like a 17-year-old guy, apparently.

But Edward has none of it. Sensing he's going to lose this fight, he offers one more compromise. No sex tonight, but after they get married, it'll be non-stop vampire fucking. Or, they'll at least try once. But at least he's offering something.

Bella agrees. She's engaged at 17. She's that girl she didn't want to be. Just so Edward will sleep with her. Her parents would be so proud! Edward points out that it's usually the woman who forces the man to get married in exchange for sex. Gender stereotypes are hilarious!

Then inspiration (and perhaps an extra dose of sex drive) comes to Bella, who reasons that since he knows she won't trick her, he might as well just do it tonight. I mean, can't they just get it over with? Plus, that gives him plenty of time to improve his technique for the wedding night.

But Edward says no, and he has a very good reason, if by that you mean a pretty bad reason that Stephanie Meyer thinks is a really good reason. He doesn't have any concerns about premarital sex himself, but he must protect poor Bella's honor, lest she be seen as a whore throughout the vampire community! Plus, he doesn't want her not to get into heaven on a technicality, though I'm pretty sure this isn't one of the things that's likely to keep you out. Not like Edward's killing people thing, which he admits might be an issue when he has to take his entrance exam.

Let's take a break for a lame sex/vampire joke!

Bella: "So that's it. You won't sleep with with me until we're married."
Edward: "Technically, I can't ever sleep with you."

Yeah.

Oh, so Edward is also making Bella get married first because he knows she's so horny that she'll get married faster just to jump in the sack with him. Really, could this relationship get any worse?

So, Bella's freaked out about getting married this summer, and Edward wants her to wear a ring so everyone knows just how possessive he is. Bella goes through a lot of emotions about the ring in about a page. It's something like this:

"I don't want to see the ring unless you want me to see the ring oh please let me see the ring where is the ring SHINY!!!"

It's the ring Edward's dad gave his mom, so it's nice and old fashioned, and no poor African children had to die for it (at least, not in the last 100 years or so). Edward is very excited about having coerced Bella into marriage. So happy that even though Bella already has the ring on her finger, he does the traditional down-on-one-knee proposal thing.

Spoiler alert: she says yes.