Chapter Twenty-Three: Now that's more like it!

So, remember last chapter when Edward and Jacob didn't act at all like how two teenage guys pining over the same girl would behave? Yeah, that's not a problem at all in THIS chapter.

Bella wakes up all sweaty and stuff, because she spent the night with Jacob. And he's really hot. I mean, because he's a werewolf and is literally hot. Get your minds out of the gutter! Within 30 seconds of Bella and Jacob waking up, the werewolf and the vampire are almost ready to fight, for no apparent reason.

Bella makes them apologize. All better.

This chapter is very concerned with top ten lists. See, though Jacob didn't sleep well, it was still one of his favorite nights ever, since you know, he got to snuggle with Bella all night long. This made it one of Edward's top ten least favorite nights. Edward also points out, however, that had they switched places, it wouldn't have been one of Edward's top ten best nights.

After Jacob leaves the tent to get some rest (Bella talked all night, as usual) and talk to Sam, Bella and Edward chat for a bit. Seems like the fight is going to happen in an hour or so; Edward promises he won't leave Bella no matter what. Then the conversation turns to...what else? Each of their top ten nights of their lives! All of which happened since they met each other, of course! What a surprise!

This goes on for several pages -- I'll spare you and get to the point. See, Edward mentions that one of his favorite nights was the night Bella agreed to marry him. Right after this, Bella hears a Jacob-wolf howling. Jacob was listening and heard the whole thing, and Edward knew. Now that's the sort of dirty tricks I expect from a crafty, century old vampire with the mind of a jealous teenager!

Bella spends a couple pages really upset about how much she just hurt Jacob. Uhh, wasn't it really Edward's fault? Of course not, because Edward is perfect -- how soon you people forget. Edward agrees to try to make things better by giving Bella a chance to talk to Jacob before the fight, since she's scared that her nearly indestructible mythological friend might die or something.

Meanwhile, Bella realizes that she's selfish and hurts everyone around her. Well, duh. Based on this, she decides that if she gets a chance to talk to Jacob, she'll tell him to go away and never go back...because that's not at all selfish of her, and won't hurt Jacob at all, right?

Jacob does indeed come back, after some very unhelpful yelping from Seth, who was in wolf form and had no way of telling Bella what was going on at all. Thanks for that, Stephenie! Edward and Seth go away to talk about a "complication," but mostly to allow Bella and Jacob to talk by themselves.

So, they have the worst conversation ever. First, Bella says that it's all her fault, and that she will stay as far away from Jacob as possible because it's the only way for her not to hurt him, or something. I lost interest after a while, because man, it was really whiny.

Jacob is also not a fan. He says he can play the self-sacrifice game too. It would be real easy for him to "accidentally" make a "mistake" during the "fight" and "die." Bella doesn't take too well to this, surprisingly, but Jacob seems to think it's pretty convenient. I mean, Bella wouldn't have to move to a new town or anything!

Jacob wins the sob-story battle, and now Bella wants to compromise. She'll stay around if he'll try his best not to die. But Jacob has one more condition...he wants to be her best man at the wedding. Bella is way too traditional for this though, so that's apparently a no-go. They both give their "I love you" spiel, but that's not enough to seal the deal on either side.

Jacob is willing to compromise in his own way, however. He's willing to leave things up to fate; he'll go fight in the battle, and whatever happens, happens. All Bella has to do is ask him.

And so she asks him to come back. But that's not the question he wants her to ask him.

Wow, Jacob, way to take advantage of the situation! For those of you who can't remember, Jacob will be in deep trouble with Edward if he tries to sexually assault Bella again (I guess you get a mulligan for that), but there's a loophole: if she asks him to kiss her, he's in the clear!

Bella is an emotional wreck, so she asks him to kiss her as soon as she figures out that's what he's aiming at. Jacob considers the situation for a minute, then realizes he's like 17 or whatever and the girl he wants really badly just asked him to kiss her, and runs over there to pucker up.

Jacob kisses her, and she basically doesn't respond at all. Feel the passion!! Then, while Bella stands there petrified of whatever he's about to do with her, he kisses her neck, runs his teeth over her ear, and tries to turn her on with some really creepy pillow talk. Such as suggesting that her not kissing him back might mean that she really wants him to die.

This pisses Bella off, which seems like a reasonable reaction to having your best friend try to guilt you into making out with him after he's already guilted you into letting him kiss you with your vampire fiancee just around the corner. She grabs Jacob's hair and pushes away, which he, having absolutely no ability to take a hint, thinks is her being passionate.

So he violates her even HARDER. He gets all over Bella, mixing passion and anger, and Bella suddenly decides she can't fight this feeling anymore. She kisses him back, and there they are, making out in the woods, not being careful since she doesn't have to worry about turning on Jacob too much and having him accidentally kill her. Also, he's not freakishly cold, which even she has to admit is a plus.

Bella realizes that Jacob was right: she's in love with him too. Yes, this is the same Bella who can't stand to be away from Edward for a single night without having terrible nightmares, the one who spent like six months or so constantly moping, and by the way, the one who wants to freaking become a god damn VAMPIRE so she never has to leave Edward. Yes, that one. She's in love with the werewolf too.

I give up. Not on the books, but on the hope that any characters will even pretend to act consistently through the course of this series. Sigh.

After the one crazy long kiss (which includes Bella having a fantasy about her future family with Jacob, including little potential werewolves), Jacob leans in for one more softer kiss, because he has to go fight a battle to save Bella's life. Remember that? That action scene you've been waiting the entire series for? Yeah, that battle. Jacob remarks that this should have been their first kiss. I agree Jacob; a kiss where Bella was interested in kissing you back probably would have been preferable to you forcing yourself upon her!

Bella gives Jacob a long hug and cries into his chest while thinking about the battle that's about to unfold. I can't see why she's worried, though. If Jacob lives, she has two guys who she's in love with. If he dies, no more decisions to make. Win-win!