Chapter Two: Guess what? Nothing happens.

Yeah, this might be a short update. It's not exactly the most eventful chapter.

Bella is chilling with Edward in her room, her father oblivious, since the sparklepire can sneak in and out without anyone being the wiser. In case you forgot from last book, Edward is perfectly perfect in every perfect way. So when Bella kisses him, it's a perfect kiss that she never wants to end, because it's just that perfect. He also looks perfect, with a perfect face and perfect body. Overall, she gives Edward a B+. It's a tough curve.

Edward doesn't want a bachelor party, because she's not going to miss being single at all. Uh-huh. Bella is "practicing" for when they finally have sex by tempting Edward as much as possible and hoping he doesn't accidentally kill her. Now, you probably read that sentence and thought I was joking...but I wasn't! This is Breaking Dawn, people -- it's Twilight on Sparklepire Growth Hormone.

They go over a lot of stuff we already know. Come on, Stephenie, we're already in the second chapter, enough with the recaps! If you're just joining us: they're gonna get married. Then they'll have the sex. Then Bella gets to be a vampire. She'll miss her family and friends, but not enough to even consider not being a vampire. The end!

One thing that kind of makes Edward sad about Bella's impending vampirism is the fact that she'll never have the option to have kids. It's 100% entirely impossible, ever ever ever, even when she's still a human. Simply can't happen, because Edward can't have children, since he's a vampire. Got that? So if it does happen later, it's going to be really surprising and you and I will never see it coming.

Emmett and Jasper come get Edward for the bachelor party, taking Edward away for the last time before the wedding. Bella is very concerned about Edward going to a strip club, because vampires would totally enjoy that, right? No...it's just another night of hunting for them -- a buffet of mountain lions and grizzly bears. Boring.

Bella has some nervousness before the wedding. Her issues are as follows:

• She's afraid she'll trip coming down the stairs. From what we know about Bella, this is a very legitimate concern that should trump everything else.
• The guest list includes the Denali family. There are some issues there, since Irina is pretty pissed about the Quileutes killing her boy toy Laurent. The rest of the family feels bad about it, and has agreed to be okay with the wolves to make up for that, but Irina's not going to show up at all. Not sure how this is really a problem at all, but thanks for the exposition!
• Bella has self-esteem issues. Gee, no kidding! She's afraid Tanya will look hotter than her. Really. Sigh.

Then Bella launches into more backstory. Tanya and her sisters in the Denali clan were all created many hundreds of years ago by a vampire woman who also enjoyed making little kids into vampires. These immortal children were impossible not to love, so basically, vampire covens would get into huge fights over them. Also, they couldn't be controlled at all, since they weren't old enough to understand how to control themselves, so they weren't good at following the whole "let's not let everyone know about vampires" rules. With all that in mind, the Volturi outlawed them, which included killing the woman who made the Denali ladies and her little vampire baby boy. Fun times!

Bella ends the chapter with a dream, which is pretty much Stephanie Meyer's way of saying "I'd like to add some foreshadowing here, but I only know one way to do it." Bella is back in the big field with the Volturi, who are themselves surrounded by lots of piles of smoldering ashes. The Volturi have killed lots of vampires, but Bella's only interested in one: a beautiful little vampire boy that she runs to protect. But when she gets there, she sees that the boy is standing over the bodies of her friends and her parents with those lovely red eyes the newborns always have.

Remember, Bella can never have a kid. Ever. Not gonna happen. Just making sure everyone's on the same page.