Chapter Eight: I hate you, werewolf narrator.

It's Jacob time! We know this because Jacob's chapters have titles that are things a real teenage boy would say, like "waiting for the damn fight to start already." Wow, it's like Stephenie Meyer is in my head when I was 18!

Jacob and Paul are in Jacob's house, watching sports and eating Doritos, having fights -- you know, boy things. But underneath the surface, there's a lot of angst here. It seems that Paul has imprinted on Jacob's sister Rachel, and this has Jacob really pissed off, because now he has to think of his friend...and his sister...and eww. Plus, he still hasn't imprinted on anyone, and his best friend is about to become a vampire, but he hasn't heard about it happening yet. Life is hard!

Jacob imagines all the possible scenarios. Maybe Bella will be a vampire. Maybe Edward will accidentally kill her, in which case he can try to not-at-all-accidentally kill Edward. Maybe all the vampires will disappear in a sparkly flash, never to be seen again.

Jacob wants to just go and kill some Cullens, just for the fun of it. And can you blame the guy? He's bored, and a little murder isn't really a big deal, right? But Sam says no -- there's that darn treaty to uphold, and they won't break it unless the Sparkly Ones do first.

So to pass the time, Jacob goes outside to enjoy the nice summer day. Of course, he runs into Quil, who has imprinted on little Claire. And by little, I mean very very little -- she's three. Yes, he's destined to love this three year old forever, so in 15 years or so, they'll probably be married. But for now, she has him wearing play makeup and dressing up like a princess. Imprinting doesn't sound so great now, does it? And Quil won't even consider dating girls in the meantime, which makes Jacob wonder whether his friend might need to re-imprint on a boy. But no, he's just THAT much in preemptive love with Claire, way too much to have some sex in the meantime.

After this thrilling and slightly homophobic conversation, Sam calls the pack together for a meeting. Jacob runs out into the woods to find out what's going on. He phases into his wolf form and listens in on the pack mind, which is currently discussing the fact that Edward and Bella just got back from their honeymoon. However, there is mysterious business afoot -- Bella is supposedly alive, but quarantined with some mystical South American disease that puts a half-vampire fetus inside of you. I hear the locals call it pregnanc.

The werewolves now have a pointed debate over whether or not they have enough evidence to convict the Cullens of treaty-violation in the first degree. Unfortunately, nobody in the pack has passed the La Push bar exam, so it's difficult to come to a legal consensus. Jacob is all for killing as many vampires as possible, while Sam is hesitant to fight a strong vampire coven that really hasn't done anything dangerous since they arrived in Forks.

But of course, this isn't a democracy -- it's a wolftatorship. Sam lays down the law: since Bella made an informed decision, and the Cullens are certainly sticking to at least the spirit of the treaty, there will be no awesome werewolf vs. vampire action anytime soon.

Jacob's not really a "spirit of the law" kind of guy, though, so he runs away from his pack to go his own way. Again. This time, his plan is simple -- he'll attack a large family of virtually invincible sparkle gods by himself, which is exactly what his best friend would not want him to do, and will essentially be the equivalent of committing suicide. And this will end well, because...?

Answer: because Stephenie Meyer is writing it, and it's Breaking Dawn. EVERYTHING ends well. Trust me.