Chapter Six: But Bella, I have a headache!

To recap: Bella wants more hot vampire sexing, while Edward doesn't want to because he's afraid he'll bruise Bella again. Or possibly kill her. I'm not sure I see the downside, but apparently, that's his excuse.

To that end, Edward is spending the whole honeymoon trying to tire out Bella, making her do all sorts of fun activities like looking at coral reefs and swimming with sea turtles. What a jerk, using her for not-sex like that! Between the non-stop vacation activities and the huge dinners he cooks for her, Edward has Bella falling asleep each night way before she can even think about begging for sex.

But before too long, Bella catches on to this sinister game, and she strikes back. Alice packed her with all sorts of sexy lingerie, and night after night she wears more revealing clothing in an attempt to win him over. Finally, when she gets to the sexiest outfit of all (one she describes as "black, lacy and embarrassing"), it's enough to get a momentary reaction out of her husband before he pretends not to care again.

Bella wants to make a deal, but Edward won't hear any of it. Here's a deal that seems reasonable: can't they at least have oral? I mean, I don't really think there's much of a risk of death there, and everyone should end up happy and not bruised. It's a win-win!

But no good Mormon writes about such things, so Stephenie Meyer has Bella Swan come up with an alternative deal. If Edward will do the nasty with Bella, she'll go to college for a semester. As a human. This is exactly what Edward has always wanted, but even that's not enough to get him into bed -- well, at least not in anything other than the literal sense. He simply refuses to risk Bella's life just to get laid. On the other hand, Bella is starting to enjoy being controlled by her raging hormones, so she wants to be human for just a little while longer.

Edward will have none of it, and encourages Bella to go to sleep. Bella's been sleeping pretty well, but having very vivid dreams -- those same nightmares she's been having about the immortal child in the field that ate all of her friends and family. In the newest version of the dream -- the remake, if you will -- the part of the immortal child is being played by a regular old human boy, which kind of makes the plot completely incomprehensible. Roger Ebert gives the newest version of this dream a thumbs down, saying that there was no reason for a remake, and that the 3D effects were clearly tacked on at the last minute to get in on the craze.

Bella falls asleep. Of course, she dreams, because that's what Bella does, and she wakes up with a gasp. Edward asks why she's crying, and it's because it was a good dream, one she didn't want to wake up from. A really good dream. They were on the beach and...well, it was a really good Edward dream.

Bella tries to explain, but starts crying and can't even get the words out. Edward understands, and explains again that he just can't do it, which is much funnier if you imagine he means that in a more literal sense, rather than him not wanting to kill his wife.

And then Bella begs. No, really, she actually pleads for her husband to have sex with her, which really isn't a common problem on most honeymoons. But she finally wins, and Bella gets her greatest desire: Edward's ice cold penis.

Bella wakes up in the morning expecting to be in a lot of trouble for seducing Edward, and he confirms that she is. Edward still wants to know exactly what happened in Bella's dream, but all she'll say is that she showed him last night. Don't worry, impressionable readers -- Meyer doesn't give us any detail, so I can't pass it on to you either. In his passion, Edward destroyed a few things: Bella's nightgown, Esme's bed frame, whatever desire I had to hear anything at all about their sex life.

Turns out that Edward was a little more controlled this time. Seeing as how the first time was the first time in his century or so of existence, that's hardly surprising. But on their second try, he didn't even hurt Bella, which they seem to see as a positive thing. Over breakfast, Edward even tells Bella that she doesn't have to pretend she wants to go to college anymore, now that she got the lovin' she was looking for. But it turns out that Bella was serious about going to Dartmouth -- she wants a little more human sex time before moving on to sparkling.

This makes planning their summer much easier. They can stay on the island for a few more weeks, hang out with Charlie before going off to school, and Edward even starts making plans to visit Renee for Christmas. Everyone wins! Well, everyone but Jacob, Bella briefly remembers, but who cares about werewolves?

Bella wants more sex, and now. But Edward doesn't want an audience, and the cleaning crew is coming for a visit. What a mess they're going to find -- a broken bed, feathers everywhere, the whole place is a disaster area. But while Gustavo cleans, Bella insists they watch a movie rather than exhausting herself in the jungle.

Edward shows the two man (well, one man, one woman) cleaning crew the damage. The woman seems shocked and appalled -- not at the bad writing, or the fact that Bella and Edward aren't really a great couple -- but because she's fearful. She's a Ticuna Indian, and she basically suspects Edward for being a vampire, or something like it. She's worried about Bella being like, eaten or something while she's here with Edward. Instead of actually watching a movie, the happy couple starts making out on the couch...and when Kaure (the woman) sees that, she's once again shocked, but apologizes when she sees that yes, Edward is actually just kissing her and not sucking the blood out of her.

Bella wants to know if they'll go back to sleeping in the room with all the feathers in it -- after that night, they moved to a smaller room -- but Edward thinks it's better to contain the permanent damage to the small room, since widespread destruction might not get them another invite to the island. For Bella's part, she's just happy that more destruction is in the cards. She's less happy that they have to wait until the cleaners leave, but personally, I know I wouldn't want to have sex with a couple of Brazilians watching me.

By the time they leave, Bella is very horny, but she's distracted by the fact that she's also hungry, and food is pretty awesome too. So they come up with a compromise: food for lunch, then sex for exercise. Ahh, young love!

So, as you can see, Bella's perfect honeymoon is going perfectly. There's lots of food, plenty of outdoor fun, and now she's finally getting all the vampire sex she wants. It sure would be a shame if there were consequences to all of this...but what could possibly go wrong for a teenage girl having lots of unprotected sex just months before going away to college?