Chapter Seven: And monster makes three.

Bella is having the dream again. You don't care. I don't care. I can't imagine one reader who cares. Hell, I can't imagine the author cared. So let's not talk about it.

She wakes up, and Edward is gone. They've been on vacation for like two weeks, so it's hunting time for him. Even though it's just after 1 am, it's too hot for Bella to go back to sleep, so she wanders around a bit to get some comfort food. She makes some fried chicken, but it tastes bad. The kind of bad where you decide to throw the rest out. How peculiar...

With no comfort food to...um, comfort her, Bella throws on a DVD and falls asleep. She wakes up when her sparklehusband comes back and wakes her up. He throws his arms around her, causing her to want to throw up. Finally, after 3+ books, Bella has a reasonable reaction to being touched by a vampire! But seriously, that's some very powerful food poisoning. Totally food poisoning.

Then she feels hungry again, so Edward makes some eggs. Then Bella tries to kiss him, and throws up again. Damn that food poisoning, which this absolutely is! Edward suggests going to Rio to see a doctor, but Bella insists that she's fine. She goes to her bags to get some Pepto-Bismol that Alice packed for her, but while looking for it, she runs into some other womanly necessities that Alice was thoughtful enough to remember, and that gets her to doing the math that no 18-year-old girl who's dating a supposedly infertile vampire ever wants to do. Seventeen days since the wedding, a couple weeks before then, carry the two...crap.

And then Bella looks down and notices she has a tiny little baby bump. UH-OH!

But wait, Bella says, this makes no sense at all. Even if she were pregnant, this is all happening way too fast. She's only five days late for her period, so there's no way she'd be showing and throwing up and stuff yet. I mean, what's the other option, that she has some sort of mutant half-vampire baby with unexplained accelerated growth? Because that's ridiculous. Shame on you for even thinking a distinguished author like Stephenie Meyer would write something like that.

But Bella remembers that day waaaay back in the first awful book when she went to Google "vampires" and found the appropriately named website "Vampires A-Z." There were a lot of legends that, while partially around to explain how you totally weren't cheating on your wife or husband, might also have been a little true. Like the incubus, who would impregnate human women. Oops.

Then, Bella comes up with some more amazing instant logic that no freaking out teenager would immediately think of, but seems perfectly plausible when you're an author who has years to come up with your particular vampire rules. It's clear that vampire women can't have kids, because their bodies never change. But a human body can change. And men don't really change much once they hit adulthood, so why should they stop being able to have kids when they start sparkling? It all makes sense, if you don't ask too many questions and just let it work!

Bella feels the baby kick. Oh, this is going to be fun.

Edward's phone rings. It's Alice. She sees that something is wrong, even if she can't be exactly certain of what's going on. After all, it's a little too crazy even for an immortal sparkling vampire who has visions of the future to believe (but not for a Twilight fan!), so she needs to be sure. Without even saying exactly what she saw, Alice puts Dr. Vampire on the phone. Bella explains the math, the sudden symptoms, and the little sparklepire moving inside her.

Carlisle talks to Edward for a minute. They agree that Bella is probably pregnant, and that she should go home immediately. What a great honeymoon surprise! Girls, this is why you have to practice safe sex -- even with the undead. "I'm not alive and exist only to devour humans" is not a valid form of protection.

But you see, that's not really an issue for Bella. She immediately wants a child now, and has a deep and lasting emotional tie to it. When Edward suggests that they're going to see Carlisle so they can "take care" of the baby problem, Bella freaks out. She's a good Mormon-created female character, so abortion is not an option!

But there are more immediate problems. The cleaning crew is back, and Kaure notices Bella cradling her stomach. She puts two and two together and starts screaming at Edward in Portuguese. Edward tries to smooth things over by talking about how impressive Brazil looked in their 3-1 victory over the Ivory Coast today, but it's no use. There's a lot of questioning going on back and forth between Edward and Kaure, none of which Bella can understand, and none of which anyone will explain to her. After all, she's just the one with a half-vampire in her, why should she have any information?

Once the conversation dies down, Edward and Bella get ready to go. The bags are already on the boat, so Bella is sneaky and asks once more for her toothbrush. In reality, she's just getting rid of Edward so that she can call Rosalie and ask for some help. It's Bella's body, and she can decide what she wants to do with the monster inside her!

And that's all for "Book One" of Breaking Dawn. Next up: more of Jacob's point of view! Yes, an angsty teenage werewolf may actually be the one narrator worse than Bella.