Chapter Nine: Wait, did he really just say that?

Okay, there's quite a bit going on in this chapter, but we're going to race past all the boring crap to get to the good stuff.

First, Jacob says goodbye to his dad. Billy doesn't want him to try to fight the Cullens like an idiot. Jacob insists on instead being an idiot.

Next, Jacob takes his motorcycle and drives over to Cullen Manor. He gets to the door, where he's met by Carlisle. This is annoying for Jacob, because Carlisle is the one he likes best, since he's so human-ish and a doctor and all that. Dr. Sparkles doesn't think Jacob should come in, but Bella insists.

Jacob enters the house, and sees Edward in agony, and knows something's up with Bella. Then he looks at Bella, and she looks very sick, which makes him think that maybe that "story" going around about her isn't a story at all. But nothing makes sense -- Rosalie seems to be protective of Bella, who in turn is comforting Edward.

At this point, Bella shares her baby bump, which has grown to epic proportions. Even an idiot like Jacob quickly figures out that she's much too pregnant, and that there must be some sort of crazy monster inside of her.

The moment he thinks that, he also thinks that he wants to kill Edward, which makes Edward ask Jacob to take it outside. Oh yeah...it's brawl time!

No, wait: it's quiet discussion time. Again. Sigh. So anyway, Jacob demands to know what happened, and Edward explains without too much fuss. Yes, the mutant baby is killing Bella. Edward and Carlisle wanted to get rid of it, but Bella wouldn't let them do it. You see, no Mormon author's transparent Mary Sue would ever abort a baby, even if it's killing her and a doctor advises her that it's the only way to save her life. Vampire life begins at venomous conception!!

Edward is kind of upset that Jacob figured this out in a second, while it took Edward like a day to put this mysterious puzzle of "she wants to keep the baby" together. Remember how those vampire minds were supposed to be like magic supercomputers that figured everything out instantly? I guess Edward's was too busy downloading porn.

Anyway, Jacob points out that Edward and Carlisle could have easily forced Bella to do what they wanted to, and those evil, evil men would have too, if it weren't for Rosalie, who became Bella's bodyguard. Then Emmett and Esme both took her side, turning the whole thing into a big mess where Edward and Carlisle just didn't want to bother anymore.

Jacob is mad at Edward, but his defense is that they didn't know Bella could get pregnant. Oh, of course they've heard of using humans for sex, but nobody ever taught Edward about safe undead sex. This is the problem with abstinence-only sex education, people.

Edward wants Jacob to do something for him, or at least for Bella. Jacob's relationship with Bella is on a different level than Edward's in some ways, so he thinks maybe Jacob can get through to her and make her give up the death baby. But Jacob points out the obvious: Bella already knows that she's probably going to die, and that's not enough to persuade her.

Oh, but Edward has other ideas. Sick, twisted ideas. He's willing to let Bella have as many happy, healthy babies as she wants.

With Jacob.

Digest that for a moment, please.

Oh, and add in this: Edward is okay with either giving her up for her to live out her life with Jacob, OR SEEING IF BELLA DOESN'T MIND BEING SHARED.

So now you say you're full, and you can digest no more? No, I insist, have desert!

You see, Jacob thinks this is disgusting, and that Bella would never go for it. It's sick and twisted and horrible. But it's also really, really tempting for him.

Oh, sorry, I made you throw up, didn't I? Don't worry, that's just your body protecting itself.

Jacob does try his best to say no over and over again, but Edward wants him to at least try. That's how important Bella's life is to him -- it's way more important than letting Bella be herself and make her own decisions! But Edward doesn't see how it would hurt to at least try, while Jacob keeps pointing out that this is UTTERLY INSANE AND THAT BELLA WOULD NEVER GO FOR IT and how he'd kind of like to borrow her for the weekends to use for sex BUT NO, WRONG!

Jacob decides that maybe just killing Edward is for the best after all. Edward doesn't mind all that much, but asks that Jacob wait a while, since it probably wouldn't go over well for Bella in her current state of ridiculous pregnancy. So in the end, Jacob decides that, reluctantly, he and Edward have a deal: he'll try to see if Bella will allow him to have her part time for procreation.

I'm sure this will end well.*

*Not sarcastic -- remember, this is Breaking Dawn!