Chapter Five: Sex. It's almost as good as blood.

Edward and Bella get to the terminal, and she sees they're going to Houston. Oh, exciting! They can see an Astros game! But it's only a stop along the way to sunny Rio. Which is only another stop along the way, because they take a taxi to the docks and head on a boat out into the ocean. Bella, being as sharp as always, surmises that they might be going to Atlantis. Sure you are, kid.

They're actually going out to an island. No, not the Lost island, although that would have been the most amazing plot twist ever. Edward vs. the Smoke Monster! Hurley interacting with vampires and werewolves! The fun would never end. But alas, it's not to be. This is Isle Esme, an island bought for Esme by Carlisle, because he's just that freaking rich.

When they reach the house on the island, Bella starts getting some extreme stage fright. See, this is the night when Edward gets to keep his end of the whole "sex for human time" bargain. I imagine the threat of dying during the middle of your first time makes it just that much worse. Remember, if Edward loses control, he could snap his wife like a twig in an instant -- something to potentially look forward to! And the bedroom has a giant white bed in the center of it. No, really, don't laugh! Okay, you can laugh a little.

But Edward lets Bella know that he's actually going to go out and take a nice midnight swim in the warm water. You know, since he (and therefore all parts of him) are cold, warm water might make everyone a little more comfortable. Edward tells her to take a human minute or two and then come join him in the ocean.

So, that's what Bella does. She takes a look through her luggage for something to wear, and finds that Alice did a lot of packing for her. Mostly lingerie, or as she puts it, "lingerie-ish lingerie," as opposed to non-lingerie lingerie. And it's FRENCH, for goodness sake!

Bella continues to freak out. She brushes her hair, since she's been sleeping on a plane all day. She showers, and shaves her legs. Then she thinks about what to wear again, and starts freaking out once more. Oh, Bella...

She settles on a towel, and walks out to the beach. Then she ditches the towel to join her vampire husband in the water. Edward says some really cheesy totally romantic lines (referring to the moon, "I wouldn't use the word beautiful, not with you standing here in comparison.") They decide one last time that they're really going to try to have sex here and now, and then...

FADE TO BLACK

No, really, pretty much how it went.

Anyway, the next morning, Bella's feeling pretty happy. Alas, she's hungry, and laughs about the fact that she's still a human with human needs. And yet, Edward doesn't find this as hilarious as she does. In fact, he looks horrified.

Bella can't understand why, but thinks maybe she did something wrong. But in her memories, everything went well; tab A fit perfectly into slot B, and that's not far off from how it's actually described in the book.

But Edward thinks the sex was just fine -- he wants to know how badly he damaged his wife in the process. She feels a bit sore, but otherwise okay, and doesn't understand why Edward would even think she was hurt, which just pisses him off more.

So, Bella looks at herself. First, she finds that she's covered in feathers. How did this happen? Apparently things got a little too heated for Mr. Sparkle last night, and he bit into a pillow. Or two. So manly!

But wait, there's more. Bella looks over herself to find bruises everywhere -- Edward finger-shaped bruises, to be exact. And yet, she can't actually remember ever being in pain. But Edward is mortified by what he's done. Bella apologizes, and says she's fine, but Edward won't let it go. This goes on for a few agonizingly long pages, after which Bella says her biggest fear is that he didn't enjoy it as much as she did. For her, it was perfect -- or, we can imagine, as perfect as you'd expect from a 110-year-old virgin vampire. PERFECT.

On the bright side, Edward very much enjoyed it too. I mean, he asked all the other guys in his family what to expect, and they told him it was the second best thing in the universe, just behind human blood -- pretty much how every guy feels. But Edward thinks it was even better than sucking her blood. How romantic!

Then there's a few more pages of arguing over whether or not Bella should hate Edward. Sigh. Once that's done, Edward decides to cook breakfast, since as he puts it, he's not feeding her often enough. I know how you feel, buddy: that's how my goldfish died. So sad. He makes eggs, which he learned how to do by watching the Food Network. Vampires must get really, really bored.

Bella scarfs down the eggs, and then leans over to kiss the chef for a job well done. Edward pulls back though, and when Bella asks what's up, Edward delivers the bad news: no more love making until she's a vampire. All told, I'd have to say this was a pretty average first time experience for the happy couple -- the severe bruising is a minus, but the fact that Bella survived is a definite plus...at least from their perspective.

Oh, but this honeymoon is far from over. More newlywed antics, next time on Breaking Dawn!