Chapter Thirty-five: Small talk is not exciting.

Wow, this chapter is way longer than it needs to be. To make up for it, I'm going to make the review of this chapter as short as it deserves to be.

Bella heads out to pick up her fake documents -- the ones for Jacob and Renesmee -- from Jenks. They spend a few pages on small talk, including Jenks for some reason thinking that Bella might be wanting to kidnap Nessie from Edward. This accusation doesn't further the plot, adds nothing to the meeting, and is entirely unnecessary. But this book wasn't long enough yet, so why not pad it a little? We're only on page 670.

Bella gets home, and the house is mostly empty. She takes the time to go into Alice and Jasper's room and grab stuff that Jacob and Nessie can use. Like cash. How much cash, you ask?

I raided their petty cash, taking about twice the yearly income from the average American household.

Way to make this book timeless by not mentioning an exact dollar amount, but just describing the money as an amount that will always seem like a huge sum to most of your readers! It's not like there are hundreds of other technological, social, and pop culture references that date the books to the early 21st century, or anything.

Bella thinks it would be nice if Alice and Jasper could hook up with Jacob and Renesmee after everyone else is slaughtered (which, remember, is totally going to happen, right?), but Alice can't see into either of their lives. She can see Bella, so she makes a big production about writing RIO DE JANEIRO on a piece of stationary, and hopes Alice will see it. She then puts the note in the bottom of the bag she packed for Renesmee, hoping Jacob will see it. A foolproof plan, if ever there was one.

Around New Year's, the Cullens start preparing the clearing -- you know, that big one where half of the important events in this series have happened for some reason -- and have their witnesses come in formation to be ready when the Volturi arrive. Bella and Renemee say their I love yous, and Bella tells her daughter to run when Bella says so.

There's some talk about where everyone is standing. The gist of it is that Bella is standing near their best threats, so that she can protect them for as long as possible. Vampires without useful powers get to stand far, far away from Bella and wear red shirts.

The werewolves show up. Everyone waits. Then they see the Volturi coming, and the chapter ends.

The good news? Things will actually happen in the next couple chapters! Maybe not as much as you and I want to happen, but a few things, I swear. At least there's a little action. A very little.

Chapter Thirty-four: End! ENNNNNDDD!

I'm sick. Not of the book, but really sick. Well, I am sick of this book too, but I don't think it's responsible for my runny nose.

Bella gets back home and hears Edward playing the piano, as he's known to do. Bella tries to hide the fact that she did more than just go Christmas shopping for Nessie, but she's pretty sure Edward isn't buying it. Bella also wants to get in some more combat practice with Emmett, since she lost a whole few hours while running her secret errands. But Edward makes her wait until tomorrow.

Apparently, Bella has made some more entirely baseless assumptions about Alice's plans. Now, she's "deduced" that they'll lose to the Volturi, but that it'll be close, which is how Jacob and Renesmee get away. Oh, and since her and Edward will both die, they can be dead together forever. How lovely!

On Christmas, all the werewolves, Bella, Edward and Nessie hang out at Charlie's place. Apparently, all of the werewolves are pumped up for the fight that Bella has deemed hopeless. Way to have confidence in your friends and family, Bella! The ones who have never left you down ever, and -- if you recall -- killed like 20 vampires without a single casualty. And now there are way more vampires and werewolves on your side. Come on, stop being such a pessimistic whiner!

Renesmee's Christmas presents, for anyone who is interested: Bella got her a locket, Edward gave her a fully stocked MP3 player, and Jacob got her a Quileute promise ring (NOT CREEPY, RIGHT?).

Back at Cullen Manor, there's a little scuffle breaking out. Amun is all mad at Carlisle because he wants to leave, while half his coven wants to stay. This all amounts to nothing, since Amun ends up saying he'll stay, but that he'd be open to switching sides if that's what it took to ensure his survival.

Alistair already bolted, and Amun thinks he's the only sane sparklepire in the group. It seems Alistair thinks that no matter what they do, the Volturi will come up with a reason to get what they want, which is not a popular opinion among your rank-and-file sparklepires. I mean, if the sparklepire government is manipulating their own laws, that would be something never before heard of in human history!

Of course, the Romanians love the fact that at least a few people seem to be realizing that the Volturi aren't as good as they pretend to be. I mean, sure, they were evil overlords of the night when they were in charge too, but at least they didn't pretend to be good! Plus, they think this is the best shot they'll have at taking the Volturi down, or at least making them look silly in front of a lot of the vampire world.

Slowly, all the assembled sparkly ones make declarations, most saying that they'll fight, of course. They scoff at the werewolves also saying they'll help, clearly ignoring the fact that the werewolves' record against vampires is pretty damn good so far in these novels.

Later on, Bella thinks about things, which never leads to good results. What, she reasons, if the reason they fail is that everyone thinks Bella can help shield people, but she really can't? And her shield has holes, because Nessie can do her little memory sharing thing with her. But Edward isn't worried -- she's probably just the opposite of her parents. She can give everyone her thoughts, and she can't be blocked by anyone. Everyone will have to see the truth, since there's no blocking her ability to share the truth.

But will that be enough? Given that this is Twilight, there are two possible answers:

1. Yes, and everyone will live happily ever after.
2. No, but everyone will still live happily ever after.

Almost done...almost done.

Chapter Thirty-three: Seriously, why am I STILL reading this?

Ugh.

Okay, so Charlie hasn't seen his granddaughter in a week, but Bella can't very well bring him into a house full of sparklepires who want to eat him just for being human. Instead, Nessie is going on a day trip to grandpa's house. There's a lot of talk about who Charlie is hanging out with, like Billy and Sue and blah blah blah.

Jake is coming too. He has a great nickname for the creepy Romanians: Dracula One and Dracula Two. Keeping with our "one enjoyable bit per every few chapters," we shouldn't expect anything else to be very interesting for a while, so let's milk it for all it's worth and learn more about our Romanian friends!

It seems that unlike everyone else, Renesmee finds the old vampires to be more interesting than fucking creepy. They don't want to touch her, so she speaks with them out loud and asks questions. Why do they have such weird skin? It's because they sat still for a very very long time while everyone came to them. That's the one thing they don't regret, they say, because now it's the Volturi who are sitting still and petrifying while they move about and stay in good sparkle shape. Actually, I have to quote a couple sentences here, because it really is pretty good. The Romanians are speaking to Renesmee:

"I suppose the Volturi did us one favor when they burned our castles. Stefan and I, at least, did not continue to petrify. Now the Volturi's eyes are filmed with dusty scum, but ours are bright. I imagine that will give us an advantage when we gouge theirs from their sockets."

I tried to keep Renesmee away from them after that.

Meanwhile, on the car ride over to Charlie's place, Bella starts being all cryptic. What's she up to?

When they get to Charlie's, he wants to know where Edward is. Jacob tells Charlie he should just be happy he's out of the loop on this one, which is pretty true: I probably wouldn't want to know that my daughter's new friends would like to eat me.

Bella says she's going Christmas shopping, but it's obviously a lame excuse for something. In actuality, she's headed to see J. Jenks in Seattle, based on Alice's strange note. The address she was given is in an awful neighborhood. We know it's awful because of the businesses that are there: a psychic supply store! A tattoo parlor! And...a daycare? Really, who would put a daycare next to a tattoo parlor, even in a bad neighborhood? That's just bad planning.

So Bella talks to some guy who knows J, but won't give her information. She uses her feminine wiles to get him to call J, who responds well to the name Cullen. Bella gets new instructions on where to meet J, and goes for yet another drive.

Eventually, after a bunch of pages that are really just a waste of time, Bella and J meet. It seems that J knows Jasper, but has never met Alice, and would have been perfectly happy to meet Bella at his classier office. Between knowing her situation and hearing the word "papers" earlier when talking to Max, she makes an educated guess as to what she's there for.

Bella decides that Alice saw they couldn't win, and this meant that Renesmee would have to run. She orders two birth certificates, two passports, and one driver's license. Her plan is to leave Renesmee with Jacob, so that the two of them can run away to safety. By the way, Bella's fake names are the best for them: Jacob and Vanessa Wolfe. Are you laughing yet?

Bella wants the papers in a week, which makes it a rush order, doubling the price. On the other hand, money isn't really an issue for the Cullens, since they're super rich vampires, remember? So rich, that Bella pays him 100% of the price up front, and is willing to give a 100% bonus upon delivery. Must be nice!

Bella and J agree to meet in one week. J seems worried about something, but assures Bella that the papers will be ready on time. Luckily, we won't have to wait another week for this chapter to end; mercifully, it's over. Only seven more to go!

Chapter Thirty-two: Guess who's coming to dinner? Vampires, of course.

Yes, there are lots and lots of vampires in Cullen Manor, but it's okay, because like, they're sparklepires, and they can't get uncomfortable! Plus, nobody needs a room, since they don't need to sleep. Being a Twilight vampire comes with all sorts of perks.

Dinner is a problem, since most of the guests insist on eating human. The rules of the house are that you can hunt, but you have to do it outside of Washington. Bella decides this is okay, because they'd be hunting somewhere, even if it wasn't in their neck of the woods. You are a woman of great moral fortitude, Mrs. Cullen.

Jacob is described as "upset" by this, because his whole job as a werewolf is to NOT let vampires kill people. But they're hunting just outside of the pack's borders, and it's all for Renesmee, so whatever, right? It's all good.

Speaking of the little mutant baby, everyone loves her. We get a lot of exposition here about all the different vampires coming in from around the world, and how they take a minute or two to decide that Renesmee is not an immortal child, and that they'll stand against the Volturi. That second part seems like a much tougher sell, but inevitably, it works.

Many of the visiting vampires have unique skills, since you're a pretty shitty sparklepire if you don't have at least one magic power. Most of them are pretty irrelevant, but since some of the powers might prove to be relevant, let's do a quick rundown:

• There's Maggie, from Ireland, who can tell immediately if she's being lied to. That make it pretty easy for her family to believe all the Renesmee crap.
• Some vampires from Egypt show up. The older ones don't like Nessie, but a younger one, Benjamin, has the power to physically manipulate the elements. He's basically Sparklepire Planet without the Planeteers.
  
• There are some singular nomads that show up, including Garrett, an adventurer who is willing to take any challenge he can find.
  
• Alistair comes in from England and mostly just sits in the corner listening to Linkin Park and being all emo. But he's a tracker, for the record.
• A couple of Amazonian women show up. Apparently, Alice was in South America, in case you'd forgotten about her. The book is just begging you to be curious about what she's up to! One of them, Zafrina, can make entirely convincing illusions that effect everyone...except Bella, of course. Renesmee finds this ability really, really fun. Pretty pictures, yay!

Does this seem like a bit much? Don't worry, even Meyer realizes this, because she makes a note of Jacob not being able to keep everyone straight. And then footnotes a reference to an index in the back of the book. Yes, the author can't even trust the reader to remember all of the characters -- always the sign of a great novel.

Bella starts getting fighting lessons from Edward, but they don't go well. He can't bear to think of his wife as a target! Even if it might save her life! Sigh. He suggests she find another teacher. She finds a bunch, as it seems just about everyone is happy to teach her how to fight.

Luckily, other people are actually trying to teach her something useful, like how to project her shield to help cover other people. This way, Bella can help without getting herself killed! It may not satisfy her ridiculous martyr complex, but it's something. Vampire Kate tries to zap Edward, while Bella tries to protect him. Edward gets zapped, because Bella fails. Rinse and repeat!

But, of course, she eventually starts to get it to work. But Kate thinks she could do better with the proper motivation, and wants to bring Nessie in on the fun. This understandably doesn't go over well with Bella, but it turns out that everyone else was in on it together; Kate just walked up threateningly, Bella managed to get the shield over Nessie, and then Edward could verify that by his inability to read her mind. No harm done, though Bella is still angry about this very helpful exercise that never put her child into any danger.

Next, Zafrina tries to do the illusion thing, and Bella manages to protect both Edward and Renesmee from it. This is totally the book version of a cheesy 80's training montage. Just imagine "You're the Best Around" playing, sub in some vampires for Pat Morita, and you've more or less got it.

Skipping ahead a bit (this chapter is far too long for its own good), a couple of Romanian vampires show up, eager to go up against the Volturi. They don't even care what's up, they just want to see the Volturi get what's coming to them. See, they used to be the head sparklepire honchos before the Volturi overthrew them around 1,500 years ago, so they want revenge. They're even pretty happy to see all the neat abilities the collected vampires have, since it might mean they even have a chance.

In total, we have 28 vampires, which Bella thinks is the largest non-Volturi group of friendly vampires ever. Will it be enough to slow the Volturi down for a minute and let them realize that Renesmee is a different kind of freak than the illegal kind? Will the Romanians get to piss on the Volturi's graves? Only a few more chapters before we find out!

Chapter Thirty-one: Words you wouldn't use to describe Stephenie Meyer.

See, because the chapter title is "Talented." I'm so clever.

So, everyone gets all rah-rah about standing up to the Volturi. Jacob says that if they won't stop and listen, he and his wolf buddies will kill them. Unlikely, but I like the sentiment!

Eleazar calls Bella a shield, and after Edward determines that this isn't some sort of slang that he should take offense to about his wife, he decides to ask for more information on behalf of the reading audience. Of course, what he means is pretty obvious; she's shielded from most vampire powers. Most impressive of all is the fact that she was able to do this even as a human.

Edward says that he never thought of Bella's ability as a shield before. Really? Is there even another word that would accurately describe what she does?

Turns out there are other shields, too. For instance, the Volturi have a gal named Renata who protects Aro. If you attempt to attack Aro or her, you somehow end up heading in another direction, confused about what you were trying to do in the first place. I have to say, that's a pretty nifty power, and a neat party trick when you're not busy stopping someone from killing your boss.

The others begin to wonder if Bella could project her ability onto others. Gee, I wonder if that will help save the day in the end? Nah. We also learn about some other vampires and their powers, like Kate, who can run electricity over her skin to zap people. That's actually a bit of projection on her part, as she originally could only zap with her hands. Bella wants to learn too, so that she can save everyone at the critical moment in the plot, of course.

Edward invades Eleazar's thoughts, and then has him share with the whole room. It seems that even he can't understand why exactly the Volturi would send everyone to punish the Cullens. They might send out a few more sparklepires than normal thanks to the large, talented clan the Cullens have, but that wouldn't require everyone to join the party.

But Eleazar noticed a pattern at his time with the Volturi. It seems that Aro is a sneaky bastard, and when he shows up to punish a coven, he just happens to pardon one or two of their most talented sparklepires and take them into the flock rather than killing them. And what do you know, they're the same ones he had noted as being especially talented and interesting beforehand!

Oh, more vampire powers explained: the Volturi have a vampire named Chelsea, who is favored to win the English Premier League this year, though Manchester United and Arsenal are also contenders. Alright, that's a different Chelsea. This one is the daughter of a former US President, who just got married. No, wait, that's yet another Chelsea. THIS Chelsea can make bonds between people looser or tighter, breaking covens apart and keeping the Volturi in line.

Okay, so there is a point to all of this (eventually). Aro wants to come to acquire some of the Cullens for his team. The Cullens have all sorts of cool powers and will resist, so he wants the entire guard for protection during the inevitable fight. If he takes the entire guard, then everyone who stays in Volterra is in danger; someone might try to have a little coup de sparklepire while they're gone. So instead, everyone comes together for a trip to the exciting Pacific Northwest!

All signs point to Aro really wanting Alice, with Edward and Bella both being very interesting -- if secondary -- targets. It seems that the Volturi had already decided to come after them, but were just waiting for some sort of pretext so that it looked fair to the sparklepire population at large. People in power abusing said power for their own personal gain? WELL, I NEVER!

As the chapter ends, Peter and Charlotte show up, meaning Alice kept her promise to find more friends and send them back home. Looks like we're gearing up for a big fight in Forks! It'll never happen, but we can at least pretend it could -- that might make the last nine chapters just a little more bearable.

Chapter Thirty: Rensemee wins again.

The chapter opens with more sulking. This is followed by some Edward/Bella sparklepire sex, since they're both afraid they might be dead in a month, and need to get as much loving in as possible before then, preferably when Renesmee isn't in the room. Although, she is in the cottage, and given how crazy the vampire action gets, I find it hard to believe she could sleep through that. Boy, isn't mom going to be embarrassed when Nessie shows her a memory tomorrow morning!

Edward and Bella stop screwing when the sun comes up, because they have a job to do. They have to track down some guy named Eleazar for some reason or another. Do you really care why? I didn't think so. It has something to do with Renesmee, because everything does.

Bella also wants Edward to teach her to fight. Not a master class or anything, but she at least wants the basics of vampire self-defense, just in case she needs to protect herself. Edward agrees that she should learn the basics, but doesn't think they have much of a chance against the Volturi anyway. Then he launches into an extremely expository scouting report! Here's what he reports back:

Jane: Offensive superstar. Can make anyone feel searing pain (except Bella, of course). Not great on the basepaths, poor arm.

Alec: Complimentary piece that works perfectly with Jane. Can rob you of all your senses (unless your name is Bella!), and can do it to large groups at once. Has some trouble with outside breaking pitches.

This, of course, gives Bella stupid ideas. Their powers don't work on her, so maybe she can beat them up, or at least distract them long enough to give the others a fighting chance. I mean, with powers like theirs, why would they ever learn how to fight? It's not like anyone could have ever foreseen the possibility of a vampire having an anti-power power, seeing as how only like 80% of the vampires we meet in this ridiculous series have superpowers.

So, it seems that Eleazar is a lot like Carlisle, in that he spent a lot of time with the Volturi before leaving them. In his case, he left for a sparkly woman, Carmen. They're coming down with Tanya and the rest of their clan; since they're the closest to the Cullens, everyone figures they'll need the least convincing. Plus, Eleazar knows as much about the Volturi as anyone, so he might be able to help in other ways. He has some sort of ability-sensing ability too, which might prove helpful or something. I don't know.

So, the house guests come over, and there's a lot of needlessly cryptic conversation between the two sides before they finally get to the point. The new vampires smell someone who is almost human. Tada, it's Renesmee!

Of course, when they first see her, they freak the fuck out, because they think she's an immortal child. Edward barely gets them to stay by pointing out that, hello, heartbeat and weird smell equals NOT A VAMPIRE.

Slowly, Renesmee wins them over, of course. She uses her gift, and one by one, everyone falls for her charm and they believe that she's only a half-pire. This process takes several pages, and is extremely repetitive:

"Let her explain!"
"No, that devilish creature will not touch me!"
"Please?"
"Well..."
"Please?"
"Okay..."
*Renesmee does her thing*
"I LOVE YOU FREAK CHILD!"

In the end, everyone agrees that Renesmee is awesome and that they'll stand with the Cullens as witnesses to her status as not an immortal child. Whether or not that will be enough remains to be seen, but the way Renesmee automatically makes everyone love her, I have to like their odds.

Chapter Twenty-nine: Let's all whine, that'll make things better.

Does anyone still read these? I don't think I've gotten a comment in a while!

Everyone is sad. They tell Jacob, and he's sad too. I mean, I guess having a massive army of the world's most powerful (politically, and probably in combat terms too) sparklepires coming to kill you all would be something that would ruin your day. But if it were me, I'd do something a little more proactive than sitting around and moping about it.

Alice is gone for a while, and everyone starts to worry, because she's never taken this long before to...do whatever it is she's doing. Of course, she failed to take a few seconds to tell everyone where she was going, as that would remove most of the dramatic tension while we wait for her perfectly timed return. I'm sure there will be some lame plot justification too, just you wait!

So they track Alice's scent, and it turns out she and Jasper took a trip through wolf country. Sam himself escorted them to the ocean, during which time she mysteriously asked him not to tell Jacob about it until Sam had a chance to tell Edward first. Then, she gave him a note to pass along to the Cullens when they came looking for her. What a delightfully circuitous plan!

The note is ripped from Bella's copy of The Merchant of Venice, which I'm sure has no meaning whatsoever. The note itself is pretty standard, asking the Cullens not to look for them, apologizing for leaving on short notice, and to find as many friends as possible before the Volturi show up. Sam whines about how the wolves would never leave each other in a time of crisis, and how they wouldn't run away from a fight, and how Renesmee is a part of Jacob is a part of the pack, and therefore they'll stand by the Cullens even if some of the Cullens won't.

Bella whines to herself about how if Alice is giving up, it must be hopeless. Of course, the tone of the note doesn't suggest that she's leaving permanently; in fact, she points out that she's going to talk to some of their friends while her and Jasper are away. That's not something she'd do if she thought it was hopeless. But don't worry, everyone will be shocked when she returns. Shocked, I say!

There is another path they can smell: a side trip made by Alice before she went away with Jasper. Just like everything else she does, the path is also circuitous. It's the exact word that Meyer choose to use, and the same one I picked earlier in this entry before I realized Meyer used it too. Does that mean Stephenie and I like the same words? This could become a frightening development.

The path leads back to Bella and Edward's cottage. Bella comes to the conclusion that the message is probably just for her, since the paper used to write it on came from one of her books. Bella convinces Edward to let her go in the cottage alone, though even letting her have 30 seconds to herself is almost too much for him to bear. Seriously, Edward wines about this. About letting his wife go inside their house first and not seeing her for less than a minute. Sigh.

Bella goes to check her copy of The Merchant of Venice, and finds a note with a name and address in Seattle, along with the instruction "destroy this." Bella does as she's told, and Edward comes in the house after just 13 seconds, because he couldn't wait any longer to figure out what she was up to. Truly, trust is not the foundation of a good sparklepire relationship. Accordingly, Bella burns the book and lies badly to Edward, who still believes her since he's useless without his mind-reading abilities.

The rest of the family Cullen is feeling slightly better, since Alice seemed to offer a little hope in her note (it would have been nice for Bella to notice this). Everyone is going to go their own way, finding potential allies and showing Renesmee to them...very carefully. We wouldn't want more people freaking out and trying to kill her or threaten to tell the Volturi about her AGAIN.

Renesmee asks Jacob questions about what's going on, since she basically understands but wants his opinion on what's going to happen. Jacob tells her, since he's imprinted on her and gives her whatever she wants. Bella hates this, because she thinks that Renesmee should live a perfect little sheltered life without having any of her questions about bad things answered. I think I'm siding with Jacob on this one.

A downside for Jacob is that he won't be able to hang around as much with all the vampires strolling into town. The combination of "our kid really isn't an immortal child that you should kill on the spot, no really" and "lol, we're also best buds with werewolves" seems like something that might turn off some of their potential vampire allies, so they're going to ease Jacob into things.

Meanwhile, Bella does some Internet research on the name J. Jenks, finding out that he's a lawyer, but that his office address is way different than the one Alice gave her. You know, when I think novels about vampires and werewolves and giant vampire armies that are coming to kill said vampires and werewolves, I know what I want to read about: Google searches!

At the end of the chapter, Renesmee asks (in her way) where Alice is, and it finally makes Bella cry, for the first time as a vampire. The way it's written, I can't help but be reminded of Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator 2. "I now know why you cry." Bella thinks that Alice gave her and Renesmee a way out, even though the rest of the family might be doomed.

Obviously, Bella hasn't been reading this series, or else she'd be very calmly waiting out all the "tension" before things magically resolve themselves at the last minute. Spoiler alert: someone does die! But don't worry, it won't be one of the 50 or so characters you actually care about. That would be way too painful, and as Bella pointed out earlier in the chapter, young readers need to be shielded from bad things.

Chapter Twenty-eight: How do you solve a problem like Irina?

Irina runs away, presumably angry about the friendship between Bella and Jacob, the Laurent Slayer. Alice knows she's not going back to Denali, but can't see exactly where she's headed instead. Oh well -- I'm sure it won't be important.

In the absence of news, Bella looks forward to her upcoming travel plans. First, she's headed off to Italy to confirm her sparkly new lifestyle with the Volturi. Then, it's off to South America for some research time with the Ticunas, who might know something about other little Renesmees who could be running around. Of course, Emmett and Jasper are really excited about hunting in the Amazon. They'll try a little jaguar, and maybe some panther.

Wait a second, aren't a lot of these big cat names just different names for the same animals? Sure enough, "panther" is actually a name given to a whole genus of cats, including jaguars. Oh, but maybe they meant the animal which is more commonly known as a panther, even if that's not a scientific classification! In that case, they're referring to the mountain lion, which is really exotic, considering they regularly hunt them in Washington. Well researched, Ms. Meyer! For further reference, the cougar and the puma are also the same exact animal, if it comes up.

Anyway, my focus on cat names is taking us away from what little plot there is. Alice is cleaning, and drops a vase. Being that she's a perfectly perfect sparklepire, it's impossible that she could have done this by accident. Nope, it's vision time!

And it's a particularly disturbing vision at that. She sees some vampires coming for the Cullens. The Volturi. All of them. Eep!

Alice sees snow on the ground when they come, so it reasons that they have a little over a month before it happens. What's really concerning everyone, though, is the fact that everyone is coming. I mean, even the WIVES are coming. They're letting the womenfolk out? But the wives never, ever leave! Who will cook and clean their tower??

Bella is sure the reason for this unprecedented event is Renesmee, even though she's not sure why. Alice searches back, looking for the answer they're missing. What did Irina see that could upset her and the Volturi that much? I mean, all she saw was a werewolf, a vampire, and a small child who looked impossibly like a vampire child that's totally illegal and the impetus for the worst violence ever in the history of the vampire world. What could have possibly set her off?

Yes, it's that last one. Bella passes this insight along, and everyone realizes that she's figured the mystery out. Oh sure, they're wrong about Renesmee, but the Volturi aren't really ones to hang around and debate the issues of the day before putting things to a vote. Their plan is likely to look something like:

1) Find immortal child.
2) Kill immortal child.
3) Kill vampires who made immortal child.
4) Split the price of a suite at Qwest Field for a Sounders match. They're Italian, they're going to want to see some soccer while they're in town, right?
5) Pictures at the Space Needle.

See? That's a packed schedule, so there's really no time for "confirming" things.

The Cullens examine their options. They can't run; Demetri will always find them, as he's the world's best sparklepire tracker. Fighting seems futile, because as perfect as the Cullens are, the Volturi are even MORE perfect. Plus, there's way more of them.

But the Cullens do have allies that could even up the score. We've got the werewolves, who aren't going to ignore an invasion by dozens of hostile vampires. Then there are all their vampire friends from around the world; it seems that one of the benefits of not being jerk-pires is that you gain lots of buddies.

Even with all the different vampires around the world that the Cullens take a page or so to list who might come to their aid -- and you'd have to think that at least a few will say "no, I don't want to be slaughtered by the Volturi death machine" -- they're pretty sure they can't actually win a fight against the Volturi. But if they can get them to slow down a bit and consider things, they can prove that Renesmee isn't an immortal child, but just an abomination, a freak of nature that's just so lovable!

And the race is on to track down all the friendly sparklepires they can find. The chapter ends on a super-happy note, as Bella informs Jacob that they've all been sentenced to die.

Oh, come on Bella, you've been in this series for nearly four books now. You know that'll never happen. The only real drama is trying to guess just how they'll manage to survive with absolutely no consequences to speak of!