Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Chapter Thirty-three: Seriously, why am I STILL reading this?

Ugh.

Okay, so Charlie hasn't seen his granddaughter in a week, but Bella can't very well bring him into a house full of sparklepires who want to eat him just for being human. Instead, Nessie is going on a day trip to grandpa's house. There's a lot of talk about who Charlie is hanging out with, like Billy and Sue and blah blah blah.

Jake is coming too. He has a great nickname for the creepy Romanians: Dracula One and Dracula Two. Keeping with our "one enjoyable bit per every few chapters," we shouldn't expect anything else to be very interesting for a while, so let's milk it for all it's worth and learn more about our Romanian friends!

It seems that unlike everyone else, Renesmee finds the old vampires to be more interesting than fucking creepy. They don't want to touch her, so she speaks with them out loud and asks questions. Why do they have such weird skin? It's because they sat still for a very very long time while everyone came to them. That's the one thing they don't regret, they say, because now it's the Volturi who are sitting still and petrifying while they move about and stay in good sparkle shape. Actually, I have to quote a couple sentences here, because it really is pretty good. The Romanians are speaking to Renesmee:

"I suppose the Volturi did us one favor when they burned our castles. Stefan and I, at least, did not continue to petrify. Now the Volturi's eyes are filmed with dusty scum, but ours are bright. I imagine that will give us an advantage when we gouge theirs from their sockets."

I tried to keep Renesmee away from them after that.
Meanwhile, on the car ride over to Charlie's place, Bella starts being all cryptic. What's she up to?

When they get to Charlie's, he wants to know where Edward is. Jacob tells Charlie he should just be happy he's out of the loop on this one, which is pretty true: I probably wouldn't want to know that my daughter's new friends would like to eat me.

Bella says she's going Christmas shopping, but it's obviously a lame excuse for something. In actuality, she's headed to see J. Jenks in Seattle, based on Alice's strange note. The address she was given is in an awful neighborhood. We know it's awful because of the businesses that are there: a psychic supply store! A tattoo parlor! And...a daycare? Really, who would put a daycare next to a tattoo parlor, even in a bad neighborhood? That's just bad planning.

So Bella talks to some guy who knows J, but won't give her information. She uses her feminine wiles to get him to call J, who responds well to the name Cullen. Bella gets new instructions on where to meet J, and goes for yet another drive.

Eventually, after a bunch of pages that are really just a waste of time, Bella and J meet. It seems that J knows Jasper, but has never met Alice, and would have been perfectly happy to meet Bella at his classier office. Between knowing her situation and hearing the word "papers" earlier when talking to Max, she makes an educated guess as to what she's there for.

Bella decides that Alice saw they couldn't win, and this meant that Renesmee would have to run. She orders two birth certificates, two passports, and one driver's license. Her plan is to leave Renesmee with Jacob, so that the two of them can run away to safety. By the way, Bella's fake names are the best for them: Jacob and Vanessa Wolfe. Are you laughing yet?

Bella wants the papers in a week, which makes it a rush order, doubling the price. On the other hand, money isn't really an issue for the Cullens, since they're super rich vampires, remember? So rich, that Bella pays him 100% of the price up front, and is willing to give a 100% bonus upon delivery. Must be nice!

Bella and J agree to meet in one week. J seems worried about something, but assures Bella that the papers will be ready on time. Luckily, we won't have to wait another week for this chapter to end; mercifully, it's over. Only seven more to go!

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