Monday, May 31, 2010

Chapter Twenty-seven: In which Bella does a lot of crying.

Bella drives away from Jacob's house, and then starts crying. She pulls over, and Edward shows up to console her, after which she cries some more. Then she goes home to Charlie, and pretends not to be crying, which never ever works. Charlie asks what's up, and Bella spills the beans (or at least, some of the beans -- the supernatural beans stay safely in the can) about talking to Jacob about how she likes vampires better than werewolves.

Bella runs to her room, where Edward is waiting. Charlie doesn't check on her, because who really wants to deal with that mess? She's being really loud about it, too. See, Bella finally realizes that maybe screwing around with Jacob's emotions (not to mention Edward's) maybe wasn't the most selfless thing ever. If only she had come to that conclusion before breaking Jacob's wolf heart!

When Bella wakes up in the morning though, she's feeling a bit better. Edward isn't so sure, and asks her if she really made the right choice. I'm thinking this is Edward's way of trying to slide out of the relationship smoothly now that he's seen what an emotional wreck Bella can be. But Bella insists that she can't possibly live without Edward, and since he's equally codependent, they instead decide not to break up and go see Alice instead.

What with all the future seeing, Alice already knows what Bella is coming to tell her. She gets to plan the wedding, oh boy! Alice has already picked out a dress for Bella, and Edward can't see it because he's the groom, and I'm just going to skip this part entirely. Alice gets to be the maid of honor too, in case you were curious.

Bella and Edward go frolicking in their meadow again. It's as meadowy as ever, with flowers and sparklepires and probably unicorns hiding somewhere in the background if you look really carefully. Bella mentions that she's picked the date of the wedding (August 13) to give her a month before her birthday. God forbid her age go up by a year, because then she'd be an old vampire hag!

Most importantly for Bella, this wedding will give everyone else in her life the chance to see her get married, which -- based on what I've learned from Twilight -- is the only useful thing a young girl can hope to do with her life. Edward doesn't like this; he just wants Bella to be happy. Apparently, gaining happiness from making other people happy is not something Edward is familiar with; maybe he forgot about it when he lost his soul and became all sparkly.

In any case, Edward says that he'll keep his end of the bargain, but Bella doesn't have to do anything he asked of her. And to that end, he attempts to have meadow sex with her, with all the flowers and unicorns watching. Kinky! But Bella says no; as much as Edward might want to get some, she wants to do things the "right" way, for all values of right that equal Puritanical.

Edward agrees to the new plan, and slips the engagement ring on Bella's finger again, this time for good. Next stop, Charlie's house, where he'll most likely try to kill them both.

And that's that! Eclipse is over. Except for this darn Epilogue...one more update, then we're off to break some dawn.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Chapter Twenty-six: Repeat after me: Jacob is going to be okay.

In case you were wondering, Jacob is going to be fine. I'm going to cut out every reference to that fact in this chapter, which makes up about half the word count.

So, Bella hangs out with Alice doing girly stuff for a bit, but she really wants to be with Jacob when he wakes up. Instead, Alice encourages her to lie to her father about everything that happened today -- all the dead vampires, the werewolves, and so on. Bella wants to know if she'll be crazy like the vampire girl, Bree. Alice thinks that she might be like that for a couple years, but maybe not; Bella's the first human she's ever seen make a conscious choice far ahead of time to become a vampire, so she might be more ready to handle herself when the time comes. On the other hand, I think Bella's pretty insane right now, so vampire Bella is going to be bonkers. Could go either way; the Cullens will babysit her to keep her from massacring all of Forks, though.

Bella also wonders why Alice's power works with her, when most other ones fail. I was ready to attribute it to extremely sloppy writing, but Alice thinks it's because she's not doing anything to Bella's mind; she's just reading her future, not invading her brain area. Jasper's power works on the body as a whole, so Alice says that's why it works on Bella too, even though way back in the first book Bella showed a pronounced ability to resist it that we're deciding to ignore now.

Bella goes back home, where Charlie is suspicious, but not too suspicious. I'm sure he makes a great cop. Bella convinces him that she was on a shopping trip with Alice, and that right after dinner, she's going to La Push to see Jake. The cover story for Jacob is that he got into a motorcycle accident, which seems to satisfy Charlie's exemplary detective skills. Apparently, Jacob was cursing a whole lot.

Charlie mentions that weird things were happening all day, like Billy constantly being preoccupied and wolves making lots of noise and stuff. But he chalks it all up to a bad omen for the "accident." You'll get to the bottom of this one yet, Chief Swan!

Bella saw Jacob when he first came back, and she thinks he looks really fragile, since he's all hurt and stuff. Plus, Bella plans to hurt him more...in the heart. Though she really wishes there were two of her, so one could go live with Jacob while the other got her sparkle on. Speaking of which, Charlie feels like he's going to lose Bella soon, and asks for some advance notice before she elopes with Edward or anything. You're getting too close, gumshoe!

So Bella heads down to see Jacob, and wants to know if he's okay. He says he can't feel his injuries for the moment (he's got lots of fun drugs in him), and asks if Bella's okay. Was Edward mean about Jacob and her making out before the battle? Of course, he wasn't, because he's an impossible character, kind of like one of those optical illusions that can't exist in physical form. This pisses Jacob off, because against anyone with a real personality, this would have caused some sort of tension at the very least, and given him a chance to get back in the Bella sweepstakes.

Jacob regrets nothing, because at least now Bella knows she loves him. However, Bella wonders out loud if it's worse for Jacob now -- he's still going to lose, but now he knows he was that close to having little werewolves with Bella. He doesn't blame Bella for anything, but she insists that he hurl insults at her, so he does. And it makes her cry. Sigh. Jacob says he'll try to be good and just let things take their course.

The worst part for Jacob, he says, is that he knows how things would have been, since they're so perfect for each other. It was only the interference of stupid supernatural creatures that changed things. Well, that, and Bella's awful decision making. The worst part for Bella is...that she could see it all too, and she wants it, but just wants Edward a little more. Well, that's not very original, Bella. You pretty much copies Jacob's answer, only made it even worse for him. Nice job!

Jacob asks about the upcoming wedding, and Bella gives him all the relevant details. She's kind of scared of becoming a sparklepire, since she doesn't like pain, and will miss all the humans in her life, and might lose all control and her current personality, and mostly because there's very few good reasons for what she's about to do.

They say their goodbyes and their I love yous, and Bella says that she can't wait to see the girl that Jacob falls for, because she'll probably either think she's not good enough for Jacob or be insanely jealous. Oh, Bella, if only you could see a book or so into the future...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Chapter Twenty-five: And we're back!

It was a crazy week, which meant there was no time for writing about vampires, werewolves, and horrible teenage romance. But I'm back and ready to go, so let's start wrapping up Eclipse before we move on to the nightmare that is Breaking Dawn.

This chapter begins with Edward destroying a headless vampire corpse. Nice. Seth tracks down every last bit of vampire that got tossed around the forest so that they can have a sparkly bonfire. When they're all done, Edward and Seth celebrate their teamwork with a nose-to-fist bump, like all good vampire-werewolf teammates do.

Edward approaches Bella slowly, trying not to freak out the crazy girl with the rock in her hand. Edward asks Bella several times not to be scared, which Bella doesn't really get. Why should she be scared of the supernatural undead creature that just mutilated another evil supernatural undead creature?

Bella was just worried about Seth and Edward getting hurt, but everyone is fine, both here and at the site of the bigger battle that we apparently didn't have tickets for. Seth was only pretending to be hurt to draw Riley in; nobody thought letting Bella in on this strategy might be a smart idea.

A while back though, Alice said there would be some sort of complication, something to do with scheduling...and now Bella wants to know what's up. Edward says that it's nothing to be afraid of, but that they'd best be getting back to the group.

But then something goes wrong. Edward uses his wolfie-talkies to see that...something has happened, but he doesn't say what. He just sends Seth home immediately. Communication is not one of the strong points in the Bella-Edward relationship.

Edward skips over whatever the first issue is and jumps back to the second. It seems that the Volturi have showed up to take care of the newborn problem themselves at the worst possible time. They're not coming for Bella or the Cullens; they just sent their regular clean up crew that takes care of your typical vampire societal issues. Edward seems to think it's also possible that the Volturi (here comes a shock!) might not be entirely friendly in their motives; they might feel lucky if the newborns happened to take out a few Cullens before they were stopped.

Alice can see it will all turn out okay, though. The wolves run away, since foreign vampires aren't likely to be so friendly with large packs of werewolves. But Bella demands to know what the other problem was all about.

It seems that Leah wanted to prove her worth, and decided to take on the last of the newborn vampires -- one they had overlooked on their first pass -- alone. Jacob stepped in to help her, but didn't have time to defend himself, and got hurt pretty badly in the process.

Bella faints and stays out for five minutes. She may want to see a doctor about that, because it happens way too often.

When she wakes up, she finds out that while Jacob is hurt, he's going to survive. He's a freaking werewolf, afterall; he's already starting to heal, and even though his injuries were almost life-threatening, he'll be back to normal in a couple days. Close one there, Stephenie: you almost made something that happen in these books have an actual consequence!

Alice sees that the Volturi are going to arrive in just a few minutes; Bella, now having regained her bearings, realizes they're in the middle of the vampire baseball clearing. There's also an additional vampire among them, a young girl who surrendered rather than be killed by the invincible sparklepire family. The girl really wants to eat Bella, and wants to know how the Cullens can stand being around her. I'd love to know that too, because she really is kind of insufferable. And probably tasty, if you're a vampire.

Jane and the Volturi arrive in their cute little hoodies. Jane is a little chagrined about the fact that one of the newborns has surrendered, because that's just not how the vampire world rolls -- at least not outside of Carlisle. Of course, even Dr. Sparklepire admits that he doesn't really have the authority to guarantee the newborn's safety, and that ultimately, her fate is up to Jane.

Looks like the Cullens almost pitched a perfect game: eighteen up, seventeen down, one error (not killing the hostage). At least, that's how Jane sees it, since she knows nothing of Quileute werewolves and alliances and supernatural love triangles. Counting Victoria and her older helper Riley, that's a total of 20 vampires killed by the Cullens without a single casualty. Jane is suitably impressed, especially after interrogating the hostage to confirm the details of their story.

Learning that Bella was the source of Victoria's fury, Jane notes that she seems to be good at getting strong reactions out of vampires. FYI, Jane, she also gets strong reactions out of me, though not the kind you're thinking of.

Edward and Carlisle make one last plea for Bree's life, careful not to try too hard. But Jane says that the Volturi don't give second chances, either for young vampires or for young soon-to-be-pires like Bella. Alice steps up to point out that the date has already been set for Bella's transformation, which disappoints Jane just a little. Won't they let her eat anyone anymore?

It's time for this little get-together to end, so Jane instructs Felix to take care of Bree (the girlpire). Felix dutifully does what's asked of him, while Bella doesn't look. Apparently, it's not traumatic at all to see her fiancee killing another vampire, but to see a complete stranger do it would be too much to handle.

Jane and friends head out into the mist quietly. I can't blame them for leaving; who wouldn't want to sneak out of these books as quickly as possible?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Chapter Twenty-four: What? WHAT?

Before I start writing this update, can we just all agree that it's disappointing that Stephenie Meyer credits Muse with giving her a lot of her inspiration while writing? I mean, I like Muse! Now they're forever associated with...this. Ugh. It hurts.

Anyway, so Edward's back. And he's heard everything. Uh-oh! Time for the shit to hit the fan! Even Smeyer couldn't write her way out of this one! Edward's going to flip out, kill Bella, then go kill Jacob, then kill himself. The newborns will take out all the confused Cullens and werewolves, then eat all of Bella's friends. Charlie will live, because I like Charlie. The winner: the readers!

Wait...what's this that's happening? No. No!!

First, Edward says he understands that Bella is only human. And that Jacob is too. And he laughs about Jacob being devious enough to get her to ask. And he says he understands that Jacob can give her things he never could. That Jacob filled her holes during the time when he left her.

Even Bella can't take this bullshit, and points out that Edward should be cursing at her and possibly leaving her at this point for what she just did. Edward realizes she's right, and drinks all of her blood in response.

Haha, just kidding! No, Edward says that not only isn't he going to force her to choose, he's willing to be exactly as large a part of Bella's life as she wants. From nothing to everything to some weird time-sharing arrangement where he gets her on weekends and alternate holidays.

Now Bella pretty much jumps Edward in an attempt to get him to fight for her like any normal guy -- vampire, werewolf, zombie or satyr -- should do, if he cares about the girl half as much as Edward claims to want Bella. Specifically, she wants some campsite sex, and she wants it now. But he won't, and he lists five reasons why!

  1. It's cold.
  2. He is "bizarrely normal for a vampire."
  3. Bella smells like werewolf.
  4. He'll do it with her later, he promises!!
  5. Oh yeah, there's that fight that's about to happen!
It's fight time, and you might think this would make for some excitement. But this is the Twilight series, and we never, ever get what we want. We're not going to actually see the fight -- remember, this whole crapfest is told from Bella's first person perspective -- and that means "we" aren't there to check out the action. Instead, we get Edward's commentary which he's reading from Seth's shared park mind.

Yeah, and it's not like Edward is a skilled color guy. Vin Scully, Howard Cosell, Bob Costas, Edward Cullen...one of these things is not like the other, one of these things does not belong! But he tries. Basically, Jasper's plan works, the vampo-werewolfian alliance kicks ass, and the newborns are all on the defensive.

But then something happens, because it gets really quiet, and Edward tells Seth to go. Seth runs off. Bella has no idea what's going on, but she's already planning on sticking a dagger in herself so she can fulfill her martyr complex. Sigh.

Turns out that Victoria was sneaky and followed Edward's scent figuring that Bella was so damn predictably dependent on him that she'd be with her sparklepire. And what were the odds, she's right! She's also brought a young boy vampire with her.

Bella imagines dying some more. Edward spends a few pages trying to convince Riley (the boy-pire) that Victoria doesn't actually love him. I'll save you a lot of time -- he fails. But it does buy time for Seth to come back. It was all a trap!

The fight drags on for a while. Basically, Seth fights Riley while Edward takes on Victoria. Seth sort of looks like he might be losing for a while, while Edward's fight is too close to call. So, of course, Bella does something stupid, or at least she tries to: she takes a rock to her arm, in a very uncreative attempt to "help" by cutting herself, which will (in theory) distract the evil vampires just long enough to save her friends.

But actually, she doesn't even have to do that. She's so dramatic in her preparation to be the center of attention that Victoria looks over at her, as if to say: "Really? Does it always have to be about you Bella?"

In vampire time, though, a moment is like...several moments, and that's enough for Edward to get the advantage. He rips off one of Riley's arms, then comes back to take down Victoria. Seth has no problem with the one-armed Riley, kicking his ass at the same time.

Victoria tries to run, but Edward is faster, because he's always faster. He finishes the fight by beheading Victoria...which, admittedly, is kind of badass. At least, it probably will be in the movie.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Chapter Twenty-Three: Now that's more like it!

So, remember last chapter when Edward and Jacob didn't act at all like how two teenage guys pining over the same girl would behave? Yeah, that's not a problem at all in THIS chapter.

Bella wakes up all sweaty and stuff, because she spent the night with Jacob. And he's really hot. I mean, because he's a werewolf and is literally hot. Get your minds out of the gutter! Within 30 seconds of Bella and Jacob waking up, the werewolf and the vampire are almost ready to fight, for no apparent reason.

Bella makes them apologize. All better.

This chapter is very concerned with top ten lists. See, though Jacob didn't sleep well, it was still one of his favorite nights ever, since you know, he got to snuggle with Bella all night long. This made it one of Edward's top ten least favorite nights. Edward also points out, however, that had they switched places, it wouldn't have been one of Edward's top ten best nights.

After Jacob leaves the tent to get some rest (Bella talked all night, as usual) and talk to Sam, Bella and Edward chat for a bit. Seems like the fight is going to happen in an hour or so; Edward promises he won't leave Bella no matter what. Then the conversation turns to...what else? Each of their top ten nights of their lives! All of which happened since they met each other, of course! What a surprise!

This goes on for several pages -- I'll spare you and get to the point. See, Edward mentions that one of his favorite nights was the night Bella agreed to marry him. Right after this, Bella hears a Jacob-wolf howling. Jacob was listening and heard the whole thing, and Edward knew. Now that's the sort of dirty tricks I expect from a crafty, century old vampire with the mind of a jealous teenager!

Bella spends a couple pages really upset about how much she just hurt Jacob. Uhh, wasn't it really Edward's fault? Of course not, because Edward is perfect -- how soon you people forget. Edward agrees to try to make things better by giving Bella a chance to talk to Jacob before the fight, since she's scared that her nearly indestructible mythological friend might die or something.

Meanwhile, Bella realizes that she's selfish and hurts everyone around her. Well, duh. Based on this, she decides that if she gets a chance to talk to Jacob, she'll tell him to go away and never go back...because that's not at all selfish of her, and won't hurt Jacob at all, right?

Jacob does indeed come back, after some very unhelpful yelping from Seth, who was in wolf form and had no way of telling Bella what was going on at all. Thanks for that, Stephenie! Edward and Seth go away to talk about a "complication," but mostly to allow Bella and Jacob to talk by themselves.

So, they have the worst conversation ever. First, Bella says that it's all her fault, and that she will stay as far away from Jacob as possible because it's the only way for her not to hurt him, or something. I lost interest after a while, because man, it was really whiny.

Jacob is also not a fan. He says he can play the self-sacrifice game too. It would be real easy for him to "accidentally" make a "mistake" during the "fight" and "die." Bella doesn't take too well to this, surprisingly, but Jacob seems to think it's pretty convenient. I mean, Bella wouldn't have to move to a new town or anything!

Jacob wins the sob-story battle, and now Bella wants to compromise. She'll stay around if he'll try his best not to die. But Jacob has one more condition...he wants to be her best man at the wedding. Bella is way too traditional for this though, so that's apparently a no-go. They both give their "I love you" spiel, but that's not enough to seal the deal on either side.

Jacob is willing to compromise in his own way, however. He's willing to leave things up to fate; he'll go fight in the battle, and whatever happens, happens. All Bella has to do is ask him.

And so she asks him to come back. But that's not the question he wants her to ask him.

Wow, Jacob, way to take advantage of the situation! For those of you who can't remember, Jacob will be in deep trouble with Edward if he tries to sexually assault Bella again (I guess you get a mulligan for that), but there's a loophole: if she asks him to kiss her, he's in the clear!

Bella is an emotional wreck, so she asks him to kiss her as soon as she figures out that's what he's aiming at. Jacob considers the situation for a minute, then realizes he's like 17 or whatever and the girl he wants really badly just asked him to kiss her, and runs over there to pucker up.

Jacob kisses her, and she basically doesn't respond at all. Feel the passion!! Then, while Bella stands there petrified of whatever he's about to do with her, he kisses her neck, runs his teeth over her ear, and tries to turn her on with some really creepy pillow talk. Such as suggesting that her not kissing him back might mean that she really wants him to die.

This pisses Bella off, which seems like a reasonable reaction to having your best friend try to guilt you into making out with him after he's already guilted you into letting him kiss you with your vampire fiancee just around the corner. She grabs Jacob's hair and pushes away, which he, having absolutely no ability to take a hint, thinks is her being passionate.

So he violates her even HARDER. He gets all over Bella, mixing passion and anger, and Bella suddenly decides she can't fight this feeling anymore. She kisses him back, and there they are, making out in the woods, not being careful since she doesn't have to worry about turning on Jacob too much and having him accidentally kill her. Also, he's not freakishly cold, which even she has to admit is a plus.

Bella realizes that Jacob was right: she's in love with him too. Yes, this is the same Bella who can't stand to be away from Edward for a single night without having terrible nightmares, the one who spent like six months or so constantly moping, and by the way, the one who wants to freaking become a god damn VAMPIRE so she never has to leave Edward. Yes, that one. She's in love with the werewolf too.

I give up. Not on the books, but on the hope that any characters will even pretend to act consistently through the course of this series. Sigh.

After the one crazy long kiss (which includes Bella having a fantasy about her future family with Jacob, including little potential werewolves), Jacob leans in for one more softer kiss, because he has to go fight a battle to save Bella's life. Remember that? That action scene you've been waiting the entire series for? Yeah, that battle. Jacob remarks that this should have been their first kiss. I agree Jacob; a kiss where Bella was interested in kissing you back probably would have been preferable to you forcing yourself upon her!

Bella gives Jacob a long hug and cries into his chest while thinking about the battle that's about to unfold. I can't see why she's worried, though. If Jacob lives, she has two guys who she's in love with. If he dies, no more decisions to make. Win-win!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Chapter Twenty-Two: I'll believe sparklepires, I'll believe werewolves, but not this.

It's really damn cold in the mountains, and Bella is cold. Usually, this would be when she'd get her boyfriend to warm her up, but he's an ice cold sparklepire. Guess you didn't think of that when you were declaring him to be the most perfectest perfect thing ever, did you Bella?

Anyone see where this is going yet?

Jacob is outside whining in his wolf form, worried about Bella. But she's committed to staying and riding out the storm. Edward is pissed off at Jacob's thoughts, and wonders why he can't go fetch a space heater or something.

No, really, you see what's coming, right?

Jacob goes back to human form, and walks into the tent. He'll be the space heater, considering he runs at around 109 degrees (that's 43 Celsius, for my non-existent audience outside America). Edward is not happy about this, but is okay with Jacob being around to make the tent warmer. That seems normal.

Then Jacob crawls into Bella's sleeping bag. To warm her up better. While Edward watches. And he suggests she takes her clothes off. And Edward can read his mind and see exactly what Jacob is fantasizing about. And Edward just sits there and is perfectly okay with this arrangement.

No. Freaking. Way. Never in a million years, whether he's a vampire or a space alien or a half-unicorn, half-zombie hybrid, is Edward going to let a guy who sexually assaulted his girlfriend a few weeks ago share a sleeping bag with her right in front of him and just sit there and be (mostly) cool with it. Oh, having him round to keep the tent warm? Sure, that's just something you do, because you don't want her to freeze. Having them spooning in the same tiny tent as you? Not so much.

While Bella is half-asleep, half-listening, Jacob and Edward have a thought conversation that goes something like this:

Jacob: "You're jealous I can warm her up!"
Edward: *sigh* "Yep."
Jacob: "You're jealous I could sleep with her without killing her!"
Edward: *sigh* "Yep."
Jacob: "You're really, really jealous!"
Edward: *sigh* "Yep."
Jacob: "But you have the advantage of knowing she's in love with you."
Edward: "Yep!"
Jacob: "It's good to know that we're both insanely jealous."
Edward: "Yep."

And then Jacob asks what Edward would do if she chose Jacob instead. He apparently wouldn't kill Jacob, because that would hurt Bella. Then they spend a couple pages talking about how Edward could cope with losing Bella when Jacob asks about this, presumably because he's anticipating losing her when she loses her vampginity.

They then talk about Edward's possible outcomes for Bella: one, that she felt less strongly about him, so if he left, she'd move on; two, he could stay with her throughout her human life, but that's it; three he could run away, which didn't work out so well; or four, let her be a sparklepire too. Jacob doesn't want Edward to give up on the first option, and even Edward admits that Jacob's plan to woo Bella might have worked given another six months or so. Edward says that if that ever happened, then he'd let Bella go, but he'd always be watching over her -- because Jacob might imprint on someone else, and then he wouldn't have a choice but to leave Bella.

Here's an exercise for the reader! Read over that whole passage again, the entirety of the interaction between Jacob and Edward. Highlight everything that sounds like something that might actually be said in a conversation between a teenage boy who is in love with another guy's girlfriend, and that other guy, who is simultaneously a teenager and over 100 years old.

Correct answer: If you even thought you needed to grab a highlighter just in case, you're so wrong.

Edward asks Jacob to think about the stories Bella heard at the bonfire, because he wants to know all about the "third wife" he's heard Bella talk about. Oops! Edward immediately realizes how this will work with Bella's self-destructive tendencies. Jacob and Edward have some half-joking discussion about who would win a fight between them (look, something close to what they might actually talk about were they real people and not simply cardboard cutouts!).

Edward hums Bella's lullaby extra loudly, both to block out Jacob's thoughts and to make sure Bella falls asleep. Bella assumes this is all a dream, unaware that it's just really, really bad characterization on the author's part.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Chapter Twenty-One: When camping, remember to pack a werewolf.

After Bella wakes up in the morning, Edward leaves to let her get dressed -- he's a proper vampire gentleman, after all. Bella gave Edward back the ring, because she didn't want to advertise the fact that she's going to be a teenage bride. At least she won't have to tell anyone or have a fun party or anything, ugh.

But she forgot about Alice, the future seer, who will certainly see the wedding sooner or later. Of course, for now, things are a bit fuzzy; she's getting too much werewolf interference, and it's driving her crazy. It's going to snow in the mountains though (in June!), so she's at least capable enough to warn Bella to pack some warm clothes.

Edward and the Cullens have plenty of camping gear, since they pretend to camp all the time to cover up their insatiable blood lust. They pack some up for the trip, and Edward suggests that Bella call Jacob so that they can get ready to go.

Bella calls, and gets Billy instead. Billy says he'll call around to get the word out to Jacob, and wishes he could be there to help out in the fight. This causes Bella to muse:

The urge to fight must be a defining characteristic of the Y chromosome. They were all the same.

You still don't quite get it, do you Bella? It's not that guys like to fight in general: it's that we're always willing to fight in defense of people or things that are important to us. Now sure, after a few drinks, that might be whether or not the Yankees suck (they totally do, wanna fight about it?), but usually that means someone or something we love. Do you not get that all these people love you very much Bella, and would rather not see you torn to shreds by an army of newborn vampires? Is it really THAT hard to understand? Get over it, and try to remember that in your case, all your loved ones are superhuman monsters who, beyond their amazing array of powers that make them nigh-invincible, are also protected by the plot armor that comes from an author who is clearly incapable of killing any characters she might care the least bit about.

Anyway, Billy wishes the Cullens good luck, which Bella is nice enough to pass along. Alice demands an audience with her, which frightens Bella a little bit because she's been in a really pissy mood all day. Turns out, of course, that she's already seen the wedding and is pissed off that Bella plans to sneak away without inviting her. When Bella says she can come, Alice still isn't happy -- she wants to plan the whole thing.

I'll skip all the whining and just let you know that Alice eventually wins. Moving along...

Edward and Bella make for the clearing, setting a smelly Bella-scented path for the newborns to follow. Since this is an appropriate moment for wedding planning, Edward reminds Bella that she doesn't have to give Alice what she wants -- Bella should have whatever wedding suits her best. Bella is smart enough not to say that the right answer to that is "none at all." But Bella is happy with the idea of having Emmett read the vows after he gets a license off the Internet.

Bella wants to be the smelliest trail maker ever, so when she accidentally cuts her hand, she bleeds all over the forest to drive the newborns even wilder. Turns out that Edward is soooo over the whole wanting to eat Bella thing now, and can handle giving her first aid by himself.

Anyway, Jacob shows up. Boy, this is a long chapter, not that anything much is happening in it. Jacob is going to carry Bella around a bit, masking her scent on the way to their campsite. Jacob mentions that the storm coming in must be bad, because there aren't even any animals out today -- it seems almost unnaturally bad weather is coming into town.

Oh, then Jacob asks about the big rock on Bella's charm bracelet, which makes her realize it's a diamond. We weren't supposed to have figured that out immediately? I didn't even imagine it was being played for a surprise twist or anything. Maybe the readers are just more insightful than the characters or the author.

Then Jacob and Bella spent several pages talking about how Jacob sexually assaulted Bella last time they hung out. Really, that happens. And the whole time, Jacob tries to convince Bella to let him try kissing her again. Yeah.

Moving right along, Bella is still super guilty about making Edward stay with her, since she now feels that if someone gets hurt, it'll all be her fault. Just like had she let Edward go and he got hurt, it would have all been her fault. Or no matter what she had decided, anything that went wrong would be all her fault. Girl has a major guilt complex.

Bella decides that Jacob is still her best friend, even after the whole assault thing. That's nice of her.

Turns out Jacob plans to camp with Bella and Edward until Seth takes over just before the fight tomorrow. Not like, in the tent or anything; Bella isn't quite that kinky, and Jacob wouldn't like the smell. Bella asks if he can't just stick around with them since he'll already be there anyway, just to keep him there and away from the fight, but he doesn't go for it.

Bella asks about the whole "being second in command" thing. Turns out it's because Jacob is, of course, the great grandson of Ephraim Black, former Alpha wolf and Quileute chief. Given that, Sam was more than happy to put him as second-in-command. But as Bella points out, if it's all about lineage, really Jacob should be the chief. Turns out Jacob just doesn't want the job. It's a whole lot of responsibility, and you don't even get a raise or extra vacation days.

Bella and Jacob reach Edward's camp as the wind starts to pick up and the snow begins to fall. Jacob turns into a wolf again so he can communicate with the wolves back home, while Bella gets nice and cozy in Edward's tent. Everyone is calm, secure in the knowledge that Bella is completely safe, and Stephenie Meyer is certainly not the kind of hack writer that would turn that would use a cliche like turning that safety into a liability that gets her put into the most dangerous place of all. No, that would never, ever happen.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Chapter Twenty: That awkward talk every vampire has with his girl.

Everyone's ready for the vampocolypse! Charlie's going to stay in La Push, where a couple of the youngest werewolves will keep guard. Angela, Ben and Mike are taking Bella's concert tickets, so they'll be out of town. And Bella has scooted over to Edward' s house to prepare for the big fight. Edward even gave her a nice shiny rock charm to put next to her wolf on that bracelet.

But Bella has one thing she wants to talk to Edward about. See, it seems like he's getting everything in the relationship. He wants her to get married, to go to college, and to get a faster car. And all she gets in return is a life of vampirism. No deal, she says! She won't give in on marriage unless she gets what she wants: before Edward takes her vampginity, he's going to have to take her virginity too. Hot! Well, actually, really cold, and probably very comfortable, now that I think about it.

Edward has other concerns. Mainly, that he'll kill Bella when he loses control mid-coitus. When he says he's rock hard, he's not joking!

But Bella has already shown many times that she couldn't care less about being alive or dead, as long as she can have her sparklepire. And she's afraid that her unhealthy obsession might go away after she becomes all undead, and gains the slightly healthier fixation with human blood.

And Bella's not convinced Edward could kill her. I mean, he destroys some metal stuff just to prove that he can -- once again, what a great boyfriend, am I right guys? -- but she doesn't think he could ever lose control with her, consider how good he is at not eating her.

So she keeps begging, and after a while, it seems like he's given in. Am I really going to have to read a Bella/Edward sex scene, Stephanie? You wouldn't do that to me, would you? I don't know, there's some pretty heavy foreplay going on here. At several points in this conversation, Bella rushes to get her clothes off, confident that a little boob action will turn Edward into a quivering pile of mush -- after all, he may be over 100, but he's apparently also a virgin...and in some ways, still acting like a 17-year-old guy, apparently.

But Edward has none of it. Sensing he's going to lose this fight, he offers one more compromise. No sex tonight, but after they get married, it'll be non-stop vampire fucking. Or, they'll at least try once. But at least he's offering something.

Bella agrees. She's engaged at 17. She's that girl she didn't want to be. Just so Edward will sleep with her. Her parents would be so proud! Edward points out that it's usually the woman who forces the man to get married in exchange for sex. Gender stereotypes are hilarious!

Then inspiration (and perhaps an extra dose of sex drive) comes to Bella, who reasons that since he knows she won't trick her, he might as well just do it tonight. I mean, can't they just get it over with? Plus, that gives him plenty of time to improve his technique for the wedding night.

But Edward says no, and he has a very good reason, if by that you mean a pretty bad reason that Stephanie Meyer thinks is a really good reason. He doesn't have any concerns about premarital sex himself, but he must protect poor Bella's honor, lest she be seen as a whore throughout the vampire community! Plus, he doesn't want her not to get into heaven on a technicality, though I'm pretty sure this isn't one of the things that's likely to keep you out. Not like Edward's killing people thing, which he admits might be an issue when he has to take his entrance exam.

Let's take a break for a lame sex/vampire joke!

Bella: "So that's it. You won't sleep with with me until we're married."
Edward: "Technically, I can't ever sleep with you."

Yeah.

Oh, so Edward is also making Bella get married first because he knows she's so horny that she'll get married faster just to jump in the sack with him. Really, could this relationship get any worse?

So, Bella's freaked out about getting married this summer, and Edward wants her to wear a ring so everyone knows just how possessive he is. Bella goes through a lot of emotions about the ring in about a page. It's something like this:

"I don't want to see the ring unless you want me to see the ring oh please let me see the ring where is the ring SHINY!!!"

It's the ring Edward's dad gave his mom, so it's nice and old fashioned, and no poor African children had to die for it (at least, not in the last 100 years or so). Edward is very excited about having coerced Bella into marriage. So happy that even though Bella already has the ring on her finger, he does the traditional down-on-one-knee proposal thing.

Spoiler alert: she says yes.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Chapter Nineteen: Werewolves have serious issues.

Bella wakes up the next morning, having fallen asleep on the way home from the vampire-werewolf playdate.

Edward is very moody today, because Bella let Jacob give her a charm bracelet and she never lets Edward give her anything! Since this is soooo unfair, he makes Bella promise to let him give her a hand-me-down charm so he can be represented on the bracelet, too. Whatever.

Alice calls with some visions, blah blah blah, Bella wandering in the forest, and so on. She still wants to be in the clearing, since Jasper mentioned how useful that would be. Personally, I think she just has a death wish, and possibly some sort of martyr complex. Edward won't allow it, but Bella says she'll have Seth take her to the clearing instead of staying put -- Alice's vision didn't see Bella in the clearing, just wandering around aimlessly because she couldn't find it when she tried to come get herself killed (hahahaha, she's so useless!). Edward points out that he'll get Sam to forbid Seth from doing that, but Bella counters that she can get Sam to see the value in having her there. Edward throws out his trump card: he'll tell Jacob, and Jacob will order Seth, which he can do, since he's the second in command.

"Shit," Bella thinks, "I didn't know that." She also knows that Jacob would totally be on Edward's side. Game, set, and match -- the supernatural love interests win again!

Edward has learned a lot by listening to the pack think amongst themselves. Here's a rundown of his juicy gossip:

  • Turns out it's not just the grandsons of the tribe that can turn into werewolves. Leah Clearwater has joined the pack, much to the chagrin of all the boys.
  • Leah is causing trouble by making everyone else in the pack see her malicious thoughts. Thoughts like...
  • ...how Embry's mom is totally not from the Quileute tribe, meaning that his dad must be from the tribe. And it's probably one of Billy Black, Old Quil, or Sam's dad. They all hope it's Sam's dad, because he was a loser anyway, so nobody good would take a hit to their reputation.
Bella realizes she's being distracted by Days of our Werewolves, and brings the subject back to being in the clearing. Then she realizes that it's not so much that she wants to be there (yeah, right), but that she wants to be with Edward. And everyone agrees that beating the newborns is going to be so easy, that someone could even sit out.

So...why not Edward?

"Shit," Edward thinks. "I walked right into that one."

Edward agrees to go talk to Jasper about this, since he prefers it to having Bella in the clearing. In the meantime, Alice comes to watch Bella. She's really sick of of Bella's complete lack of faith in all of her friends, just like the rest of us. It's just that it makes no sense at all, Bella. I know you don't want them to get hurt, but you do realize that they're freaking werewolves and vampires, not some overprotective jocks, right?

Alice has sneaky plans too, in order to get Bella with them when the newborns arrive. She tells Charlie that the rest of the Cullen clan is going camping this coming weekend, and that she'd really like someone to go shopping with. Charlie suggests Bella, and agrees to let Bella have a sleepover with Alice over at her house. Vampires > cops, yet again. In reality, Alice will be hunting with the rest of the family, while Edward kidnaps Bella. They'll have the whole house to themselves...oh la la!

Back at the clearing again the next night, the vampires and the werewolves play nice again. This time, it's just Jacob and his wingmen Quil and Embry, who will pass the information along to the rest of the pack. Jacob chills with Bella in wolf form, and she really doesn't even need Edward to translate. She's freaked out about werewolves getting themselves hurt. Wolf-form Jacob laughs at her, just like everyone else.

In fact, wolf Jacob is pretty much how Bella remembers old Jacob. He's friendly and comforting and slobbering all over her. They even engage in some heavy petting when Edward isn't looking. It's easy for them to be friends when Jacob can't let stupid shit come flying out of his mouth every 15 seconds or so.

Bella takes comfort in her warm furry friend, and gets ready for her big hike to her hiding spot tomorrow night. Meanwhile, the sparklepires have fun pretending to kill each other so that they'll actually have fun killing newborn vampires in a couple of days. Just a reminder: these newborn vampires are completely not in control of their own emotions and actions, and were innocent victims of vampire attacks just a few weeks or days earlier. Our "heroes" are about to slaughter them wholesale in a completely one-sided fight. Enjoy the ethical ramifications of Twilight!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Chapter Eighteen: Play date.

Everyone else involved is really happy about the new vampire-werewolf alliance, absolutely sure that this will lead to a decisive and mostly safe victory over the newborn vampires. Everyone, that is, except for Bella Swan, human girl who really has no idea what her supernatural friends are capable of and doubts them at every turn. Way to keep morale up, Bells!

She insists she come to their 3 am meeting so she can see everyone play together nicely for herself. When Edward refuses, she fights dirty and says she'll just call Jacob and have him bring her instead. Bella gets what she wants; he'll take her with him. Of course, she's still freaking out about the werewolves and how they're all going to die, just like the other times they've fought vampires and...none of them have even gotten hurt. Right.

And yet, she'd rather people attack her rather than let her superpowered friends take care of business. Even Edward tells her that it's going to be easy, especially since a newborn vampire is going to be scared shitless of werewolves, considering they have no clue they even exist.

Since Bella can't sleep, she gets to go to the baseball clearing and watch some vampire on vampire action. While they wait for some giant wolves to show up, Bella expands on her theory. She thinks Victoria is behind it all, since it would connect all of the dots and would provide some symmetry to the three books, in that one of the evil vampire trio would be killed in each one. Edward tells her he still thinks the Volturi are the prime suspects, but is willing to entertain an alternate Victoria theory that will inevitably turn out to be right.

So, the wolves show up. And there's more than a few of them now; the pack has grown to a nice round ten thanks to the large Cullen family in their neighborhood. Edward agrees to translate, since he can pass the wolves' thoughts along without forcing them to phase back into their human forms.

Here's the gameplan: they're expecting about 20 newborns, ten for the wolves, and ten for the veteran sparklepires. The newborns won't have any real strategy; they're just going to use brute strength to try to take down the allied supernatural forces that guard Bella.

They use Emmett, the strongest of the Cullens (and one of the few without any superpowers), to demonstrate how a newborn will attack. He goes after Jasper, who darts around him until he's able to sneak behind for a killing blow. Apparently, the two rules of fighting newborns are "don't let them get their arms around you" (probably good advice in ANY fight), and "don't go for the obvious kill." If you use a little trickeration, they'll never see it coming. They always fall for the hidden ball trick, are really bad at peek-a-boo, and they fall for the play-action pass every time. Yes, they're just that thick.

Next up, Jasper takes on Alice, just to show Bella that her vampire sister can handle herself. Apparently, seeing the future is a great skill in battle, because Alice has no problem with Jasper, and could have killed him if she wasn't sleeping with him.

Then it's Edward's turn, but while they're still in the pregame warmups, Alice issues a warning to Bella. Apparently she's having some stupid ideas, and if they get any more defined, Alice is going to let everyone know to stop her. It definitely has something to do with killing herself like the third wife from the Quileute story.

Ahem, Bella, listen up for a second.

YOUR FRIENDS HAVE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES THAT THEY'RE GOING TO WIN EASILY, TRY NOT TO DO ANYTHING STUPID!

Sorry for yelling, but someone has to get it through to her that yes, werewolves and vampires are pretty good at what they do, whereas she is not exactly useful in a fight. Calm the fuck down, Bella.

Anyway, Jasper and Edward dance around a bit before calling it a draw, and then everyone takes turns pretending to fight while the wolves watch. When they're all done, they agree to come back again the next night. However, before the festivities conclude, the wolves all want to smell the vampires. So they won't get confused during the fight and kill the wrong ones, presumably. Or maybe Cullens secretly smell really great to them. Probably both.

As the wolves come up, a great big russet-colored one walks over to Bella and starts acting goofy. At first Bella suspects that this one might have rabies and need to be taken out back, but after a few seconds, she figures out that it's actually Jacob being all cute and such. Then he licks her, which might be cute if he were actually a dog, but is somewhat disgusting when you realize that he's also a boy who recently sexually assaulted Bella. Both the vampires and the werewolves also find this behavior a little off-putting.

After the werewolves leave, Jacob comes back in human form to talk strategy with Edward. They need to know what they're going to do with Bella during the fight, but Bella's more concerned about the date. She bought concert tickets for Edward and Alice as a graduation present, and the newborn army has the nerve to attack on that very night! Ugh, life is hard.

Hiding Bella will be hard, because she's so smelly. But because werewolves don't smell very good to vampires, if Jacob carries her to the hiding spot, that might disguise her scent enough to throw her pursuers off the track. Jasper has an even better idea: leave Bella right in the clearing where the newborns can smell her easily, and let them get within feet of Bella before stopping them. The newborns will go crazy, and won't even be able to concentrate on fighting. Brilliant, with no downside!

But sadly, everyone else is against this plan because they care about Bella or something, I don't know. Instead, they'll hide Bella, but use Seth Clearwater -- now a werewolf -- as a cell phone of sorts. He'll stay with Bella, in wolf form, connected to the rest of the the wolves through their pack mindmeld.

In the end, it seems like Jacob and Edward are getting along, at least in so much as they're really looking forward to working together on the murder of 20 newborn vampires. Vampires and werewolves working together? It's like cats and dogs! Or, actually, vampires and dogs. You know what I mean.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Chapter Seventeen: Party animals.

It's party time, much to Bella's chagrin. While she prepares to greet all her nervous friends who are seeing the inside of the Cullen home for the first time, word gets around to the whole family about Bella's realization -- that the vampire army being bred in Seattle is meant for her.

Bella's friend arrive, nervous because they're walking into a house full of vampires. Sure, they don't know that the Cullens are vampires, but they're just a little off-putting nonetheless, and the party lights don't look quite so natural coming off sparklepire skin. Nonetheless, once people start dancing, everyone's paying attention to Bella more than the creepy family.

Then, two things happen almost simultaneously to liven up this party. First, Alice has a vision...but before Bella can find out what that was about, the doorbell rings. Bella forgot -- she invited werewolves to the party! Jacob seems happy to be there, Quil and Embry less so. Bella may be the least happy at all, considering her last interaction with Jacob was punching him.

Bella tries to get rid of Jacob, but he made her a homemade graduation present, and he won't leave until she takes a look at it. He even pulls off a fantastic guilt trip to make her apologize to him, even though he's the one who sexually assaulted her the other day!

So, Bella opens her present. Well, actually, first she thinks the bag its in is the present, because...well, because she's Bella. Once she does open it, she finds a silver bracelet with one little charm -- an intricately carved wolf that Jacob made. Temporarily dazzled by shiny jewelery, Bella decides that it's time to be nice to Jacob again. He notices that Bella seems nervous about something, and wants to know what it is.

Oh course, Bella needs to know everything before she can really share the news with Jacob, making it time for a chat with Alice. Despite some initial tension, Alice decides the werewolves do have a right to know what's going on with the newborns. Turns out that Alice saw that the Cullens won't be heading up to Seattle to fight the young sparklepires; they're going to come to Forks.

Now there's a big problem. If the Cullens fight the newborns, they can win, but they're not going to be able to stop all of them; some will get to Forks and cause havoc, probably killing some of those unnamed high school students, or even the named ones that you couldn't care less about because they do absolutely nothing of consequence over the course of this series. Nonetheless, Jasper thinks it's an even fight, so they might be able to handle it in the end.

Jacob has a better idea -- why let it be an even fight at all? If the werewolves and the sparkleCullens fight separately, they're all in danger of getting killed. If they work together, they're confident they'll be able to kick some newborn ass with no real risk.

Bella is still completely against having the werewolves around, because Bella is a moron. I mean, to begin with, she still has this idea that her werewolf friends can't handle themselves when fighting sparklepires, even though she's never seen anything to suggest this is the case and has a lot of evidence to the contrary. Not only that, she apparently doesn't think that making things easier on her soon-to-be vampire relatives is a good enough reason for the werewolves to help out. In summary, Bella has no faith in her friends who are giant insta-healing werewolves, and wants her family to die.

The vampires and the werewolves set a play date for 3 am that night, so that everyone can get some instruction on how to murder people who were recently quite innocent, but are now temporarily bloodthirsty vampires. Bella still doesn't want the vampires involved at all, but thankfully for everyone involved, nobody even pretends to listen to her.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Chapter Sixteen: Smelly, smelly Bella.

Poor Bella. She has to deal with so many problems...the worst of which is that she has nothing to wear to graduation! How will she ever survive this crisis? Luckily, her vff Alice saves her life. Not from the danger of being eaten by newborn vampires, but from the much more pressing wardrobe emergency. It's a blue sweater and skirt, Alice's way of making up for missing both the newborns in Seattle and the thief who came into Bella's room.

And then Bella makes a connection that the reader took about 10 seconds to come up with several chapters ago, but which super-intelligent and godlike sparklepires hadn't even considered: the same vampire is behind the army of newborn vampires and stealing Bella's clothing! And there were probably two motives, too; the thief both wanted to prove they could sneak in without Alice seeing as long as they didn't try to directly harm Bella, and grab some clothes so that they could have Bella's scent for the newborns to track.

Alice is momentarily shocked that Bella got something right, but quickly comes around to agreeing with her clumsy friend. Somehow, the knowledge of knowing for sure that someone only wants to kill her, and not the Cullens, makes Bella feel much better about the situation. Of course, nobody else feels this way; everyone love Bella, except for herself.

Alice runs away before Edward comes to pick up Bella for graduation, so that he won't immediately know what's going on. See, if we've learned nothing from the first two and a half books (and every other work of fiction ever written), it's that NOT sharing information is definitely the way to get the results you want. Charlie drives them over in the police cruiser, sticking Edward in the back seat. Oh, Chief Swan, you're hilarious!

Blah, blah, blah, graduation, everyone is sad, they're all leaving, won't they all stay friends, 20 more cliches about graduating, nobody cares.

After graduation, Bella shares the comforting news with Edward. It's only that someone is trying to kill her, not his family, yay! Edward fails to see this as good news. What a jerk, not wanting his girlfriend to die! Still, this might not have been the best moment to break the news to Edward. If you weren't going to do it right away, maybe waiting until after the party would have been better? Not that we should be surprised by Bella picking the worst possible time for doing anything, but it's just common courtesy to save bad news until after the cake has been served.

Charlie wants to celebrate before the big party, and takes Bella out to dinner alone. Bella can't eat, which makes her better than me, because when I'm nervous, I eat way too much. She gets Charlie to leave dinner early so that she can help Alice set up for the party, though her real reason is to get back and discuss things with Edward some more. He's actually in the parking lot outside the restaurant (not creepy!), and apologizes for losing it earlier, but insists he had a right to know she was the target of a couple dozen newborn vampires.

Bella has a little moment with her dad, but Charlie doesn't know it might be one of their last moments together before she starts sparkling. Everyone, together now: awwwwwwww. Charlie also regrets not teaching Bella how to punch properly; even though he likes Jacob, he still thinks Bella should be able to beat the crap out of someone who kisses her without her permission.

At the end of the chapter, Bella has one last ray of hope for the party being canceled, because it's really hard to find the Cullen house if you don't know exactly where you're going. Alas, it's no use; Alice has gone out of her way to string lights along the road to their home, making sure that nobody will miss the house party of the century. What kind of cake do vampires serve? Find out, next time on Eclipse!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Chapter Fifteen: What's a little sexual assault between friends?

Nice job, Jacob. Now Bella's freaked out. She doesn't want Jacob out of her life, but she doesn't want the same things he wants for her -- things like mortality, a lack of vampire boyfriends, and a sudden increase in the number of werewolf boyfriends. They agree that they've both been very mean to each other, but Jacob, great friend that he is, agrees never to give up until her heart stops beating. That sounds really impressive, but considering her plans, it might only be a few weeks; that's not much of a commitment, even for a teenage werewolf.

Bella says that she doesn't need another option; she only wants Edward. But Jacob thinks she should have options. He's a real gentleman, and presents Bella with the following choices:

Option 1: Have Jacob use his werewolf strength to force himself on her, kissing her even while she resists. This is the only option.

Bella, having chosen of her own free will to have Jacob assault her with his mouth, sits there and takes it for a few seconds. It's not like she could get away; even pushing with all of strength wasn't enough to so much as get a reaction out of Jake.

Finally, when he realizes she's not exactly kissing him back, Jacob backs off a little. Bella considers the situation for a moment before punching Jacob squarely in the mouth. Of course, this only hurts Bella, because her friend is a gigantic werewolf.

Jacob convinces Bella to let him drive her home, since she's probably broken something in her hand, and walking doesn't seem prudent under the current circumstances. On the car ride home, Jacob continues trying to convince Bella that he's the man for her, because he's warm blooded and she wouldn't have to turn into a vampire. Jacob, buddy, I know you're young, but if you have to explain why they should be dating you, it's already waaaay too late. Also, after you sexually assault a girl is not the best time to ask them to break up with their boyfriend. Really, your handling of this situation has left something to be desired.

Jacob takes Bella home -- to her dad's house, not to the Cullens, where she'd be able to get medical attention. Charlie wants an explanation for why Bella is hurt, and Jacob tells him the truth: she punched him after he tried to kiss her.

Now, granted, I know Charlie doesn't have all the details, and I know he likes Jacob. But I still find it hard to believe a father would react to the news that a guy forced himself on his daughter by congratulating him! Sigh.

Edward comes to pick up Bella, and despite being just a little pissed at Jacob for kissing his girlfriend, manages to be cool about the whole thing and calmly leaves with Bella. Jacob continues his new penchant for excellent decision making by following them out. Edward kind of wants to hurt Jacob, but decides a warning will suffice for now -- he'll only hurt Jacob if Bella gets hurt or Jacob tries to kiss her against her will again. If Bella's okay with Jacob kissing her, Edward's cool with it to. No, really, he swears!

But he's going to fight for Bella too, even harder than Jacob! This leads to the style of taunting you expect two first-graders to engage in.

"Nuh-uh, I'll fight twice as hard!"

"Oh yeah, well I'll fight 100 times as hard!"

"Infinity times!"

"Infinity plus one times!!"

Hey guys, Bella gets a say in this too, right? Right?

Anyway, Edward drives Bella over to Carlisle so he can take care of her hand. It turns out Emmett and Jasper have been betting on Bella. Specifically, they have an outstanding bet on the number of innocent people Bella will kill in her first year as a sparklepire. Jasper took the over; Rosalie thinks he's got a good shot, considering Bella's temper. What a hilarious thing to gamble on! For some reason, Bella isn't quite as amused...

Turns out Bella's hand was mostly okay, just some slight damage in one knuckle. But the bet makes Bella think. What if she isn't the world's most perfect sparklepire right off the bat? What if she's bloodthirsty and uncontrollable, like all the other newborns? Is it possible that maybe being human isn't the most horrible thing in the Twilight universe after all? Bella's sure she still wants to sparkle eventually, but it occurs to her that there might be a human experience she wants before then, which she's still sure she'll want Edward like she wants him now. Whatever sort of experience could that be? Hmm...

Chapter Fourteen: Alice Cullen, President of the Party Planning Committee.

Bella is freaking out. A little bit of it has to do with all the vampires who want her dead, and a little bit more comes from the fact that some of her favorite vampires and werewolves might die trying to protect her. But most of all, she's really upset that Alice wants to throw her a graduation party.

And not just any party; this one has a massive guest list. There might even be some visiting vampires to help deal with the newborns that have been running around. After all, killing innocent men and women who have already been murdered once and are just starting to get used to their existence as vampires is what all good heroes should do. Actually, Bella wants to get a head start on losing her vampginity so she can help out, but Alice points out that she's useless. I mean, would be useless, since she'd just be another uncontrollable newborn.

Anyway, that can wait, because Alice demands that everyone pay attention to her amazing party, which after a cancellation from Bella's mom, still has a guest list of 65 humans and vampires. At least she won't be around to get eaten, Bella muses.

In case you've missed the Bella/Edward romance scenes I've mostly skipped over lately, here's one I can give you the play-by-play on. Bella kisses Edward. Bella continues kissing Edward. Edward pulls away to avoid eating Bella. There, now you don't have to read that scene 50 times like I did.

Edward is going hunting with his family again tomorrow. They'll be hunting a lot to stay near their peak strength. It seems human blood would make them slightly stronger, but they're not willing to abandon their morals just to make themselves better fighters. Since there's no such thing as donated blood and certainly Bella wouldn't be willing to bottle and save a little to hand out as snacks on the day of the fight, this idea is dropped without another word.

While Edward is out hunting, Bella's going to hang with Jacob down in La Push. Doesn't it seem like I've typed these sentences at least a dozen times already? These novels are nothing if not repetitive! When Jacob comes to pick Bella up, he's thinking something very loudly that makes Edward pretty unhappy, but the sparklepire won't spill the beans. Oh, and if you didn't get that subtle magnet analogy from a few chapters ago, Stephenie Meyer actually spells it out for you here. Considering her fan base, it's probably necessary.

Jacob is really tired. Like, more tired than I am of reading these books, even. He's been running double shifts to protect Bella, mostly because Sam doesn't trust the vampires. And nobody has any new information on whoever was in Bella's room. So, overall, things are going great for everyone!

Bella wants Jacob to come to her graduation party, since it would be a little less stupid if her best friend were there. Whether or not a werewolf can actually show up at a vampire house and not cause trouble is yet to be seen. Jacob can't really get into it; all this talking with Bella combined with his exhaustion is enough to cause him to fall asleep.

While Jacob is sleeping, Bella thinks about a lot of stuff. I don't care, you don't care.

Jacob wakes up a few Emerils later. Bella's just glad Jacob got to take a wolf nap, but Jacob's mad because he's running out of time with Bella and he wanted to talk to her. He really wants to talk to her...uh-oh.

Slow down Jake, let's talk about this. Believe me, I know what it's like to have a very cool girl for a best friend -- okay, in your case, it's a very clumsy girl, but still -- and how sometimes, that can be a little bit confusing. I know, right now you're thinking you want to be with Bella, but I think her and this Edward character are probably going to make it, and you need to realize that and be happy for her! Sure, for the moment you think you might have feelings for her, but for all you know, this time next year you'll be in love with her half-vampire baby daughter, and that won't be creepy at all. The key thing here is not to fly off the handle and say things that you don't really mean, the kinds of things that can only lead to trouble. I have faith in you though, Jacob -- you wouldn't do anything like that, right?
I'm in love with you, Bella.
Oh, for Christ's sake.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Chapter Thirteen: Once Upon a Sparklepire in Mexico

It's a Cullen tradition -- the kids sit around the Jasper, ready for a their nightly story. Tonight though, the story is a rerun, so only Bella and Edward are tuning in. It's Jasper's origin story, tonight on the Vampire Channel: all sparkle, all the time.

But first, Jasper's backstory requires yet more background information before you can really understand it. It's backstories on top of backstories, all the way to the bottom! You see, unlike the relatively quiet and secluded vampires who live in the Northern states, the Southern vampires couldn't care less about being found out by humans. They only stay as secretive as they do out of respect and fear for the Volturi. Mostly, they spend their time getting into wars over who can claim the most populated areas as their territory.

It seems that a vampire with the not at all stereotypical name of Benito came up with the all-time best strategy for eliminating his enemies. He took out covens throughout Texas and Mexico by creating armies of newborn vampires. These newborns are difficult to control, but extremely strong, even by vampire standards. Of course, they had no skill or strategic insights, but if they got a hold of you, it was already over. Benito also built a large army to make sure that he always had a numerical advantage over his enemies.

Of course, the Mexican vampires got wise pretty quickly, and started making their own armies of sparkly newborns. Of course, this took a huge toll on the human population, while at the same time being hellish for the vampire population as well. Eventually, the Volturi stepped in and cleaned house, destroying almost the entire vampire population of Mexico in retribution for the problems they had caused. ¡Ay, caramba!

So, yeah, nobody tried THAT again.

Anyway, the urge to conquer soon came to the South again, but this time, the sparklepires were more careful. Sometimes someone would go too far and draw too much attention, and the Volturi would show up again. But if you were a good little sparklepire and only made as many bloodthirsty newborns as you absolutely needed to, they had no beef with you.

And that brings us to Jasper. He was the youngest major in the Confederate Army, able to sway people to his will even as a normal human. During a skirmish in Galveston, he was charged with taking civilians to Houston. On his way back, he ran into three super hot chicks. A little too hot.

*story edited by Jasper for graphic content*

A few days later, Jasper wakes up to live with his immortal female creators. Maria is the one who actually turned him, while Nettie and Lucy rounded out this gang. Maria was determined to turn "talented" humans into vampires so that she could have the bestest army ever. She trained these vampires as much as possible, preparing them for battle, even letting the strong kill the weak as a combination of entertainment and a way to produce the strongest army possible. Jasper's ability comes in handy, making it easier for everyone -- especially the newborns -- to work together despite their instincts. He soon became the leader of Maria's little army.

Many battles followed, with Jasper's army winning most of them. Of course, there was a lot of turnover, but even when other vampire covens came to challenge them, and Nettie and Lucy turned against them, they managed to hold onto their stronghold in Monterrey. They kept their newborn population around a steady dozen, keeping the most useful ones and culling others when they were no longer useful.

After a few decades, Jasper made a friend named Peter. He was a useful sparklepire, and was put in charge of babysitting the newborns. Peter didn't like the whole "killing" thing, and when they were instructed to kill off an entire crew of newborns, Peter was furious, and refused to take part. Peter ran away, and Jasper let him go.

Peter comes back five years later to talk to Jasper. Peter met a vampire lady named Charlotte, and found out that up North, things weren't nearly as crazy. This appeals to Jasper, who really doesn't give a shit about Maria and her little wars. Traveling with Peter and Charlotte was nice, but Jasper still felt horrible every time he hunted, because he could feel the emotions of his victims just as he could influence the emotions of those around them.

Sometime around his 100th birthday, Jasper hung out in Philadelphia for a while, and walked into a diner...where Alice was waiting for him. She told him how she'd seen Carlisle family act, and Jasper suddenly felt hope. Maybe he didn't have to be depressed and moody all the time! They moved in, and they lived happily ever after until Jasper tried to kill Bella last year. The end!

The point of the story? Jasper is sure a small army of newborn vampires is loose in Seattle, and it's only a matter of time before the Volturi show up to kick a little ass. If they want to prevent that, the Cullens will have to take out the newborns first. Edward makes a fairly astute observation, though: since there's no vampire coven in Seattle these newborns could possibly be intended to fight, isn't it most likely that they're meant for the nearest family in the neighborhood -- the Cullens? Perhaps the newly-sparkled ones will come after them instead.

Theories fly around the room again. Could it be that the Volturi are behind this, using an intermediary to direct the attack and draw attention away from themselves? Edward did see that Aro both wanted Edward and Alice at his side, and feared the Cullen family getting any larger than it already was.

But Carlisle and Jasper agree that this is unlikely. The Volturi will do a lot of things, but they've always followed the rules they set forth. Something about this is way too sloppy for swanky Italian vampires to be behind it.

Regardless of who is behind it, Jasper thinks they'll need help. The first call is to the family up in Denali. However, Irina is not interested in helping our favorite vampires out. You see, she had a little fling with Laurent, so she has issues with the La Push werewolves. Her and her family will only help if they can have permission to take out the wolf pack first. No deal!

So, Jasper figures up the odds. They'll be outnumbered, but have all the logistical and strategic advantages. He figures they'll win...but chances are that not everyone will make it out alive. What will the price be for their victory?

Whatever price the Cullens might pay, it's nothing compared to the toll the next 300 pages of this book will take on me. Hopefully, both the sparklepires and I will survive...but it won't be easy.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Chapter Twelve: Marriage is way worse than becoming an undead monster.

Alice is going to throw Bella a graduation party, and she doesn't get to say no. The only upside is that Edward wouldn't let it be a surprise party. This means there's going to be a huge bash at the Cullen place for graduation, with all of Bella's friends there! I guess they decided that this would be safe based on the overwhelming success of Bella's last birthday party. Maybe this time, Jasper can eat Mike "Fig" Newton!

Bella hasn't been keeping track of time very well; it's already June, and graduation is just around the corner. It also means she'll be losing her vampginity not long after. Suddenly, she's finally realized that maybe there are a few downsides to this. How does she say goodbye to her parents? What if she's bad at being a vampire? She's not very good at being a human, but at least she has some experience there.

But Bella insists she's ready. In fact, she thinks she has to be ready -- she wants to be safe if whoever was in her room comes back again. Edward has different, and more reasonable plans; Bella should be of sound body and mind when she makes the leap into vampirehood, so she has to wait until her life isn't in imminent danger before she becomes a vampire. Unfortunately, in the world of Bella Swan, that means never.

Bella starts to get the crazy idea that maybe Edward doesn't want her to become a vampire after all. Considering he's made that clear from the beginning, I'm not sure how this counts as a revelation, but when it comes to Bella realizing things, we have to take what we can get. Edward would much rather transform himself into a living, breathing human again rather than have her get all sparkly.

Since Edward was nice enough to explain why he didn't want Bella to become a sparklepire, he asks to know why Bella doesn't want to get married. It's a simple answer: she's not a hick who got knocked up the night of senior prom and has to get a shotgun wedding so that her family doesn't have to be embarrassed when they go to church. That's just not her style. It seems that Edward thought Bella was more excited about becoming immortal than being with him, which is quite clearly not the case, since Bella is an emotionally dependent wreck who can't live without her sparkle-god. Edward just grew up in a different time, where he would have proposed to Bella at age 9 or so, or something like that. The two sides agree to disagree, but it's clear that Edward won't be the one to take Bella's vampginity unless they tie the knot first. It's just how proper sparkle-gentleman behave.

So by the way, more and more people are being killed in Seattle -- 39 now, the majority of which have come in just the last ten days. On CNN, they're debating whether or not there's a serial killer on the loose, but not a single vampire representative is there to explain what's really going on. Meanwhile, over on FOX News, Glenn Beck's blackboard is working overtime to show how this has to be the work of ACORN.

In any case, the Cullens agree that they'll need to do something soon. Alice is frustrated, because she can't see what's going on; things are getting fuzzy and she's wondering if she's losing her touch. It seems that Jasper has some idea of what might be going on, but first he must pause dramatically to get Bella up to speed with his backstory, just like every other Cullen has had the chance to do.

Bella knows nothing about Jasper except that he came from the American South. Jasper shows Bella his scar, but this doesn't impress her like all the other girls; she's got one too. Then Jasper shows her the hundreds of others just like it.

Is that the introduction to a crazy backstory? You'd better believe it! But that's for the next chapter.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Chapter Eleven: Werewolf storytime.

Werewolves eat. A lot. Jacob and his buddies have been eating ridiculous amounts of food all night, and as fun as that might be, Bella isn't really all that turned on by the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, so this isn't doing it for her either. But the pigging out isn't what this meeting is really all about.

No, this night is about legends, the legends that are actually stories, since they're all true. Quil's going to hear them for the first time since he's become a wolf, and Seth and Leah Clearwater are there too, so Bella's not going to be the only one joining the reader on the backstory train. All aboooooard! This is a long trip, and there's no bar car.

Billy Black starts off. Apparently, the Quileutes have always been a small tribe, but have survived thanks to the magic in their blood. But they couldn't always turn into wolves. At one point, they instead relied on their spirit warriors to fight their enemies. The spirit warriors were, in a lot of ways, cooler than werewolves. They could leave their bodies, and though they couldn't touch their enemies in their spirit form, they could do all sorts of other awesome stuff, including talk to animals, who in turn COULD touch whoever happened to be making the spirit warriors cranky that day.

One day, a jerk named Utlapa came along and decided that he thought the Quileutes should be using this power to enslave other nearby tribes. Nobody else agreed, but when he and the chief entered the spirit world, he snuck into the chief's body and took control. He also was smart enough to kill his old body, giving the chief no way of coming back into the physical world.

Utlapa pretended to be the chief for a while, which was a pretty sweet gig, but then he started making new rules, like "no going into the spirit world" and "every month starts with Utlapa Appreciation Day." Oh, and he took extra wives. Because really, what's the sense of being an evildoer impersonating the chief everyone loves if you can't have a few extra hot young wives?

Meanwhile, the old chief found a wolf who was willing to share his body with him, allowing him back into the real world again. When the wolf started singing songs and dancing slightly better than the average wolf, one of the spirit warriors got curious and went into the spirit world, where the real chief filled him in on all the details.

Utlapa figured out what was going on, and killed the warrior right as he was coming back into his body. The real chief watched from his wolf-body, furious. He had the first ever transformation into a form that looked like the spirit-version of the chief, and kicked Utlapa's ass. Then he went on to have many children with many wives, because he was pretty much the man at that point. Many of his sons could shapeshift too...and now, many many generations later, his descendants eat a lot of food and hit on high school girls from Forks.

Eventually, that super-chief gave up the wolf gig and started to age again. Around that time, some sort of trouble hit a neighboring tribe, as many of their women went missing, and not because werewolves were accidentally eating them. All six of the chief's wolf kids go looking for whatever did it, eventually going far away from their lands. Three of them headed back home, and the three who stayed were never heard from again.

A year later, trouble starts up again, and the remaining three wolves decide that maybe they'll have better luck this time. Of course, when they find the sparklepire, they assume they can kick its ass easily, and one of them dies right away. The other two manage to kill it, but it takes one of them out as well. So the sparklepire is dead, but the Quileutes are down to a lone wolf.

Unfortunately, that vampire they killed had a mate, and when she shows up, she eats a lot of Quileutes before wolf boy can show up to fight her. It's a pretty close fight, but in the end, he loses. His old dad (the super chief!) turns into an old wolf, but his wife (at this point, his third) is pretty sure he can't win without a distraction, so she comes up with a plan: she'll throw a knife into her own heart right in front of the vampire lady, distracting her enough for the chief to kill the sparklepire.

Good news -- it worked! And thanks to the rage caused by their mother's death, a couple more of their sons instantly turn into wolves to help out. Score one for the wolves.

After that, the wolfiness is passed down from father to son. There were never more than three wolves at a time, and sometimes none if a sparklepire hadn't shown up in a while, but that was plenty. Now that they knew how to fight the vampires, they were much more successful at doing so, and never really had much of a challenge defending the tribe. Once in a while, a single wolf would die, but that was the worst of it.

One day, the Cullens showed up. But they were really nice, so everyone tried to play nice for a while. The only result has been a larger pack than ever before, since the Cullens are by far the largest group of vampires that's ever been around; usually, vampires only hang out alone or with a mate. And then Bella became friends with every supernatural creature in a 50-mile radius. The end!

Bella falls asleep, dreaming of that third wife who saved the tribe by heroically killing herself. Uh-oh, I think Bella's getting ideas...

She wakes up to find herself in Jacob's car, heading back to the checkpoint where she'll be handed back to Edward. When he takes her home, she falls asleep pretty quickly, and has yet another way too literal dream about her with a knife, and Billy as an old wolf, and Rosalie as an attacking vampire lady...yeah.

Bella wakes up from the dream in a huff. Edward is there, and he had been reading Wuthering Heights. After Bella gets back to sleep yet again, and wakes up yet again (this time for good), she takes a look at what Edward was reading. It seems he was on a passage where Heathcliff (the character, not the cat) was speaking about how though he might have hated a rival suitor with a passion, he'd not have done anything to him as long as the woman he loved still wanted to spend time with the other guy. Once she didn't like him anymore? Then he'd kill him, but until then, they were cool.

Of course, Bella gets hung up on the phrase "drank his blood" and pretends there was no way that was what Edward was reading. She sure has a knack for getting things completely wrong! I'm surprised she didn't come out of the werewolf stories with the idea that the Quileute tribe came to America on the Mayflower. Sigh.

Chapter Ten: Abusive sparkly relationships.

Edward leaves the house before Jacob comes over, just to be on the safe side. You know, because werewolves, vampires...yeah.

When Jacob arrives, he's shirtless. In fact, he's almost always shirtless, which "bothers" Bella a little bit. But you see, clothes don't magically turn into werewolf fur or anything, so whenever Jacob phases, his clothes die a painful death. He does carry a pair of sweats with him everywhere he goes, which makes things slightly less awkward. Shirtless is definitely better than pantless, at least around friends.

Jacob sniffs around in Bella's room a bit, and yes, that sentence does sound just a little creepy. But it's really for a good cause; he wants to be able to recognize Bella's visitor the next time he's around. After getting a good dose of vampire stink, Jacob comes back downstairs to help Bella do the dishes. Yes, another exciting dishwashing scene! That's exactly what this book needed! Thrill as Bella washes and Jacob dries!

As Jacob asks Bella all about the ins and outs of having a vampire boyfriend, he accidentally cuts himself with a big knife. Bella freaks out, having forgotten all about the super-healing werewolves have. Of course, within a minute or two, Jacob's hand has stopped bleeding entirely. This scene was important, because it told us something we've already known for a whole book or so. Afterwords, Bella is careful to drench the entire house in bleach, lest Edward have to deal with that new blood smell that's oh so tempting to a sparklepire.

Before Jacob leaves, he invites Bella down to La Push for a bonfire later that night. Bella says she'll ask Edward, which leads Jacob to say the most perceptive line in this series so far:
You know, I saw this story on the news last week about controlling, abusive teenage relationships...
Good man, Jacob, good man. Of course, Bella doesn't find it quite as insightful as I did, and tells Jacob that's his cue to leave.

Edward hops into the scene as soon as Jacob leaves. He has an envelope from him -- a big giant envelope from Dartmouth, addressed to Bella. She got in, presumably due to the Cullens buying the school (though even they wanted to waitlist her). Bella still wants to head up to Alaska and hide from Charlie up there, prompting her to complain about just how hard all this deception stuff is. Edward responds by saying...
It gets easier. After a few decades, everyone you know is dead. Problem solved.
What a nice, healthy thing to say!

Bella asks Alice to bring back her missing stuff...the stuff that she noticed was missing at the same time they realized a vampire had visited her room. Edward says that Alice didn't take anything, which means it was the visitor who stole everything.

Wait, they're just figuring this out NOW? It wasn't supposed to be obvious to us that the missing things and the visitor were connected? Really?? Are you kidding me?!?

Okay, Ed, calm down, you still have a long way to go. Just breathe...

Edward is concerned about the growing number of vampire murders in Seattle, and thinks the Cullens might have to get involved soon. See, if they don't, the Volturi will, and they might visit Bella while they're in the scenic Pacific Northwest. And since she's not sparkling yet, that would be an issue. But they're not going to deal with it quite yet, because that's not nearly dramatic enough, and we haven't made the inevitable connection between all of the things that are going on around Bella yet. Don't worry Steph, I'll pretend to be surprised.

As the chapter ends, Bella decides to head out to the bonfire, and Edward is okay with it -- as long as he can drive her to the border of werewolfland and meet Jacob there. All parties agree to this transaction, which reminds Bella of when her divorced parents would hand her off as a kid. Ah, pleasant memories. One wonders if Charlie was the vampire or the werewolf.

Next time on Eclipse: werewolf story time!