Chapter Ten: Yes, Jacob, you are an idiot.

Jacob declares himself an idiot in the chapter title. Who am I to disagree?

So, Jacob finds himself in a situation so ridiculous that, to him, it feels like he's in a really bad sitcom. No, Jacob, you're in a really bad book! It's completely different, because you're not on TV. He rejects the idea of asking Bella for occasional procreational sex, and instead simply tries to get her to see reason...even though he knows she won't listen to him.

Edward gets Rosalie to agree to leave the room so that Jacob and Bella can have some private time. Jacob starts off on the right foot by telling the pregnant woman that she looks hideous. Sadly, this is about the high point of his diplomatic prowess. Jacob gives Bella an "I told you so," and Bella responds with a line that she (and therefore, Stephenie Meyer) blatantly steals from The Simpsons.

Jacob admits that he knows he really can't win this argument, but that doesn't mean he can't get angry about it! But Bella really thinks things will turn out okay, because of magic. No, I'm not simplifying the argument she gave or saying it's the equivalent of magic; she literally says she believes in magic and that it'll all work out because werewolves and vampires exist. The end. Conversely, Jacob repeatedly tells Bella that she's going to die a gruesome, horrible death, all for nothing. Jacob isn't really known for his bedside manner, but this is even worse than usual.

On the other hand, Bella has a plan. Just keep her heart beating, and then get all sparkly at the last possible moment. It's pretty much a tradition in the Cullen family, and she wants to take part just like everyone else did. But Jacob is afraid she'll wait until it's too late, and wants her to listen to the family doctor rather than bring her horrific mutant baby into the world. Bella won't have any of it though; even though the ultrasound won't work on her crazy vampire fetus, she's convinced she has a bouncing baby boy inside of her just waiting to come out and NOT kill her.

They argue for a few pages, and honestly, it's really repetitive. Guess what? Bella wants to keep baby and hope she won't die! Jacob wants Bella to live and not keep baby! Who knew?

Getting nowhere, Jacob decides to audible back to the play Edward wanted to call in the first place. He brings up the point that Bella could later have another baby that wouldn't kill her so much. Bella is almost perceptive, but as usual, doesn't quite get there: she figures out that this came from Edward, but thinks the alternative under discussion is artificial insemination.

Eventually though, Jacob gets the point across without resorting to actually telling Bella what he means. And, as is par for the course in Twilight, Bella doesn't freak out even though she'd clearly have every right to do so. Instead, she finds the whole idea of having Jacob impregnate her for her own good sort of sweet. Wow, both Edward and Jacob would really do anything for her! Including sharing her on alternate nights so that she can have protected vampire sex, and wild unprotected procreational werewolf sex! Everyone loves her, literally!

But this perfect arrangement won't work, because Bella can't hurt the little baby inside of her, which she's absolutely sure must be a boy. Apparently, this is the last straw for Jacob for no particular reason, because he proceeds to leave after telling Bella that he only stopped by to make sure she was alive, and that he's not going to hang around and watch her freak-baby kill her. Part of Jacob tries to get him to stay -- you see, she's a girl, and he kind of likes her and stuff -- but he pulls himself away and leaves without speaking to any of the vampires.

Phasing back into his wolf form, Jacob is immediately greeted by the rest of the La Push pack. All of whom can see his thoughts. And he can see all of their reactions to learning about the mutant monster growing inside Bella. To quote the book:

!!!!

So, remember how the pack was so lenient when it came to the actual letter of the treaty, with Bella being bitten of her own free will? Well, throw that precedent out the window, because now the pack wants to kill the baby, even though I'm 100% sure "weird-ass mutant half-vampire babies" weren't covered under the terms of their agreement with the Cullens. But screw that, let's go kill us a baby!

But Jacob isn't so keen to kill Bella and the beast. Sam commands that everyone fall in line on the plan to kill a human (remember when they were against that?) and fighting the Cullens (and that, too?), including Jacob, who they need if they want to succeed. Jacob says no, but he's not the Alpha, so he pretty much can't fight back. He, with his friends Quil and Embry, have the biggest job -- fighting Jasper and Emmett. Finally, it's time for some good old werewolf vs. vampire violence!

And if you believe that's going to happen, you really haven't been paying attention.

Chapter Nine: Wait, did he really just say that?

Okay, there's quite a bit going on in this chapter, but we're going to race past all the boring crap to get to the good stuff.

First, Jacob says goodbye to his dad. Billy doesn't want him to try to fight the Cullens like an idiot. Jacob insists on instead being an idiot.

Next, Jacob takes his motorcycle and drives over to Cullen Manor. He gets to the door, where he's met by Carlisle. This is annoying for Jacob, because Carlisle is the one he likes best, since he's so human-ish and a doctor and all that. Dr. Sparkles doesn't think Jacob should come in, but Bella insists.

Jacob enters the house, and sees Edward in agony, and knows something's up with Bella. Then he looks at Bella, and she looks very sick, which makes him think that maybe that "story" going around about her isn't a story at all. But nothing makes sense -- Rosalie seems to be protective of Bella, who in turn is comforting Edward.

At this point, Bella shares her baby bump, which has grown to epic proportions. Even an idiot like Jacob quickly figures out that she's much too pregnant, and that there must be some sort of crazy monster inside of her.

The moment he thinks that, he also thinks that he wants to kill Edward, which makes Edward ask Jacob to take it outside. Oh yeah...it's brawl time!

No, wait: it's quiet discussion time. Again. Sigh. So anyway, Jacob demands to know what happened, and Edward explains without too much fuss. Yes, the mutant baby is killing Bella. Edward and Carlisle wanted to get rid of it, but Bella wouldn't let them do it. You see, no Mormon author's transparent Mary Sue would ever abort a baby, even if it's killing her and a doctor advises her that it's the only way to save her life. Vampire life begins at venomous conception!!

Edward is kind of upset that Jacob figured this out in a second, while it took Edward like a day to put this mysterious puzzle of "she wants to keep the baby" together. Remember how those vampire minds were supposed to be like magic supercomputers that figured everything out instantly? I guess Edward's was too busy downloading porn.

Anyway, Jacob points out that Edward and Carlisle could have easily forced Bella to do what they wanted to, and those evil, evil men would have too, if it weren't for Rosalie, who became Bella's bodyguard. Then Emmett and Esme both took her side, turning the whole thing into a big mess where Edward and Carlisle just didn't want to bother anymore.

Jacob is mad at Edward, but his defense is that they didn't know Bella could get pregnant. Oh, of course they've heard of using humans for sex, but nobody ever taught Edward about safe undead sex. This is the problem with abstinence-only sex education, people.

Edward wants Jacob to do something for him, or at least for Bella. Jacob's relationship with Bella is on a different level than Edward's in some ways, so he thinks maybe Jacob can get through to her and make her give up the death baby. But Jacob points out the obvious: Bella already knows that she's probably going to die, and that's not enough to persuade her.

Oh, but Edward has other ideas. Sick, twisted ideas. He's willing to let Bella have as many happy, healthy babies as she wants.

With Jacob.

Digest that for a moment, please.

Oh, and add in this: Edward is okay with either giving her up for her to live out her life with Jacob, OR SEEING IF BELLA DOESN'T MIND BEING SHARED.

So now you say you're full, and you can digest no more? No, I insist, have desert!

You see, Jacob thinks this is disgusting, and that Bella would never go for it. It's sick and twisted and horrible. But it's also really, really tempting for him.

Oh, sorry, I made you throw up, didn't I? Don't worry, that's just your body protecting itself.

Jacob does try his best to say no over and over again, but Edward wants him to at least try. That's how important Bella's life is to him -- it's way more important than letting Bella be herself and make her own decisions! But Edward doesn't see how it would hurt to at least try, while Jacob keeps pointing out that this is UTTERLY INSANE AND THAT BELLA WOULD NEVER GO FOR IT and how he'd kind of like to borrow her for the weekends to use for sex BUT NO, WRONG!

Jacob decides that maybe just killing Edward is for the best after all. Edward doesn't mind all that much, but asks that Jacob wait a while, since it probably wouldn't go over well for Bella in her current state of ridiculous pregnancy. So in the end, Jacob decides that, reluctantly, he and Edward have a deal: he'll try to see if Bella will allow him to have her part time for procreation.

I'm sure this will end well.*

*Not sarcastic -- remember, this is Breaking Dawn!

Chapter Eight: I hate you, werewolf narrator.

It's Jacob time! We know this because Jacob's chapters have titles that are things a real teenage boy would say, like "waiting for the damn fight to start already." Wow, it's like Stephenie Meyer is in my head when I was 18!

Jacob and Paul are in Jacob's house, watching sports and eating Doritos, having fights -- you know, boy things. But underneath the surface, there's a lot of angst here. It seems that Paul has imprinted on Jacob's sister Rachel, and this has Jacob really pissed off, because now he has to think of his friend...and his sister...and eww. Plus, he still hasn't imprinted on anyone, and his best friend is about to become a vampire, but he hasn't heard about it happening yet. Life is hard!

Jacob imagines all the possible scenarios. Maybe Bella will be a vampire. Maybe Edward will accidentally kill her, in which case he can try to not-at-all-accidentally kill Edward. Maybe all the vampires will disappear in a sparkly flash, never to be seen again.

Jacob wants to just go and kill some Cullens, just for the fun of it. And can you blame the guy? He's bored, and a little murder isn't really a big deal, right? But Sam says no -- there's that darn treaty to uphold, and they won't break it unless the Sparkly Ones do first.

So to pass the time, Jacob goes outside to enjoy the nice summer day. Of course, he runs into Quil, who has imprinted on little Claire. And by little, I mean very very little -- she's three. Yes, he's destined to love this three year old forever, so in 15 years or so, they'll probably be married. But for now, she has him wearing play makeup and dressing up like a princess. Imprinting doesn't sound so great now, does it? And Quil won't even consider dating girls in the meantime, which makes Jacob wonder whether his friend might need to re-imprint on a boy. But no, he's just THAT much in preemptive love with Claire, way too much to have some sex in the meantime.

After this thrilling and slightly homophobic conversation, Sam calls the pack together for a meeting. Jacob runs out into the woods to find out what's going on. He phases into his wolf form and listens in on the pack mind, which is currently discussing the fact that Edward and Bella just got back from their honeymoon. However, there is mysterious business afoot -- Bella is supposedly alive, but quarantined with some mystical South American disease that puts a half-vampire fetus inside of you. I hear the locals call it pregnanc.

The werewolves now have a pointed debate over whether or not they have enough evidence to convict the Cullens of treaty-violation in the first degree. Unfortunately, nobody in the pack has passed the La Push bar exam, so it's difficult to come to a legal consensus. Jacob is all for killing as many vampires as possible, while Sam is hesitant to fight a strong vampire coven that really hasn't done anything dangerous since they arrived in Forks.

But of course, this isn't a democracy -- it's a wolftatorship. Sam lays down the law: since Bella made an informed decision, and the Cullens are certainly sticking to at least the spirit of the treaty, there will be no awesome werewolf vs. vampire action anytime soon.

Jacob's not really a "spirit of the law" kind of guy, though, so he runs away from his pack to go his own way. Again. This time, his plan is simple -- he'll attack a large family of virtually invincible sparkle gods by himself, which is exactly what his best friend would not want him to do, and will essentially be the equivalent of committing suicide. And this will end well, because...?

Answer: because Stephenie Meyer is writing it, and it's Breaking Dawn. EVERYTHING ends well. Trust me.

Chapter Seven: And monster makes three.

Bella is having the dream again. You don't care. I don't care. I can't imagine one reader who cares. Hell, I can't imagine the author cared. So let's not talk about it.

She wakes up, and Edward is gone. They've been on vacation for like two weeks, so it's hunting time for him. Even though it's just after 1 am, it's too hot for Bella to go back to sleep, so she wanders around a bit to get some comfort food. She makes some fried chicken, but it tastes bad. The kind of bad where you decide to throw the rest out. How peculiar...

With no comfort food to...um, comfort her, Bella throws on a DVD and falls asleep. She wakes up when her sparklehusband comes back and wakes her up. He throws his arms around her, causing her to want to throw up. Finally, after 3+ books, Bella has a reasonable reaction to being touched by a vampire! But seriously, that's some very powerful food poisoning. Totally food poisoning.

Then she feels hungry again, so Edward makes some eggs. Then Bella tries to kiss him, and throws up again. Damn that food poisoning, which this absolutely is! Edward suggests going to Rio to see a doctor, but Bella insists that she's fine. She goes to her bags to get some Pepto-Bismol that Alice packed for her, but while looking for it, she runs into some other womanly necessities that Alice was thoughtful enough to remember, and that gets her to doing the math that no 18-year-old girl who's dating a supposedly infertile vampire ever wants to do. Seventeen days since the wedding, a couple weeks before then, carry the two...crap.

And then Bella looks down and notices she has a tiny little baby bump. UH-OH!

But wait, Bella says, this makes no sense at all. Even if she were pregnant, this is all happening way too fast. She's only five days late for her period, so there's no way she'd be showing and throwing up and stuff yet. I mean, what's the other option, that she has some sort of mutant half-vampire baby with unexplained accelerated growth? Because that's ridiculous. Shame on you for even thinking a distinguished author like Stephenie Meyer would write something like that.

But Bella remembers that day waaaay back in the first awful book when she went to Google "vampires" and found the appropriately named website "Vampires A-Z." There were a lot of legends that, while partially around to explain how you totally weren't cheating on your wife or husband, might also have been a little true. Like the incubus, who would impregnate human women. Oops.

Then, Bella comes up with some more amazing instant logic that no freaking out teenager would immediately think of, but seems perfectly plausible when you're an author who has years to come up with your particular vampire rules. It's clear that vampire women can't have kids, because their bodies never change. But a human body can change. And men don't really change much once they hit adulthood, so why should they stop being able to have kids when they start sparkling? It all makes sense, if you don't ask too many questions and just let it work!

Bella feels the baby kick. Oh, this is going to be fun.

Edward's phone rings. It's Alice. She sees that something is wrong, even if she can't be exactly certain of what's going on. After all, it's a little too crazy even for an immortal sparkling vampire who has visions of the future to believe (but not for a Twilight fan!), so she needs to be sure. Without even saying exactly what she saw, Alice puts Dr. Vampire on the phone. Bella explains the math, the sudden symptoms, and the little sparklepire moving inside her.

Carlisle talks to Edward for a minute. They agree that Bella is probably pregnant, and that she should go home immediately. What a great honeymoon surprise! Girls, this is why you have to practice safe sex -- even with the undead. "I'm not alive and exist only to devour humans" is not a valid form of protection.

But you see, that's not really an issue for Bella. She immediately wants a child now, and has a deep and lasting emotional tie to it. When Edward suggests that they're going to see Carlisle so they can "take care" of the baby problem, Bella freaks out. She's a good Mormon-created female character, so abortion is not an option!

But there are more immediate problems. The cleaning crew is back, and Kaure notices Bella cradling her stomach. She puts two and two together and starts screaming at Edward in Portuguese. Edward tries to smooth things over by talking about how impressive Brazil looked in their 3-1 victory over the Ivory Coast today, but it's no use. There's a lot of questioning going on back and forth between Edward and Kaure, none of which Bella can understand, and none of which anyone will explain to her. After all, she's just the one with a half-vampire in her, why should she have any information?

Once the conversation dies down, Edward and Bella get ready to go. The bags are already on the boat, so Bella is sneaky and asks once more for her toothbrush. In reality, she's just getting rid of Edward so that she can call Rosalie and ask for some help. It's Bella's body, and she can decide what she wants to do with the monster inside her!

And that's all for "Book One" of Breaking Dawn. Next up: more of Jacob's point of view! Yes, an angsty teenage werewolf may actually be the one narrator worse than Bella.

Chapter Six: But Bella, I have a headache!

To recap: Bella wants more hot vampire sexing, while Edward doesn't want to because he's afraid he'll bruise Bella again. Or possibly kill her. I'm not sure I see the downside, but apparently, that's his excuse.

To that end, Edward is spending the whole honeymoon trying to tire out Bella, making her do all sorts of fun activities like looking at coral reefs and swimming with sea turtles. What a jerk, using her for not-sex like that! Between the non-stop vacation activities and the huge dinners he cooks for her, Edward has Bella falling asleep each night way before she can even think about begging for sex.

But before too long, Bella catches on to this sinister game, and she strikes back. Alice packed her with all sorts of sexy lingerie, and night after night she wears more revealing clothing in an attempt to win him over. Finally, when she gets to the sexiest outfit of all (one she describes as "black, lacy and embarrassing"), it's enough to get a momentary reaction out of her husband before he pretends not to care again.

Bella wants to make a deal, but Edward won't hear any of it. Here's a deal that seems reasonable: can't they at least have oral? I mean, I don't really think there's much of a risk of death there, and everyone should end up happy and not bruised. It's a win-win!

But no good Mormon writes about such things, so Stephenie Meyer has Bella Swan come up with an alternative deal. If Edward will do the nasty with Bella, she'll go to college for a semester. As a human. This is exactly what Edward has always wanted, but even that's not enough to get him into bed -- well, at least not in anything other than the literal sense. He simply refuses to risk Bella's life just to get laid. On the other hand, Bella is starting to enjoy being controlled by her raging hormones, so she wants to be human for just a little while longer.

Edward will have none of it, and encourages Bella to go to sleep. Bella's been sleeping pretty well, but having very vivid dreams -- those same nightmares she's been having about the immortal child in the field that ate all of her friends and family. In the newest version of the dream -- the remake, if you will -- the part of the immortal child is being played by a regular old human boy, which kind of makes the plot completely incomprehensible. Roger Ebert gives the newest version of this dream a thumbs down, saying that there was no reason for a remake, and that the 3D effects were clearly tacked on at the last minute to get in on the craze.

Bella falls asleep. Of course, she dreams, because that's what Bella does, and she wakes up with a gasp. Edward asks why she's crying, and it's because it was a good dream, one she didn't want to wake up from. A really good dream. They were on the beach and...well, it was a really good Edward dream.

Bella tries to explain, but starts crying and can't even get the words out. Edward understands, and explains again that he just can't do it, which is much funnier if you imagine he means that in a more literal sense, rather than him not wanting to kill his wife.

And then Bella begs. No, really, she actually pleads for her husband to have sex with her, which really isn't a common problem on most honeymoons. But she finally wins, and Bella gets her greatest desire: Edward's ice cold penis.

Bella wakes up in the morning expecting to be in a lot of trouble for seducing Edward, and he confirms that she is. Edward still wants to know exactly what happened in Bella's dream, but all she'll say is that she showed him last night. Don't worry, impressionable readers -- Meyer doesn't give us any detail, so I can't pass it on to you either. In his passion, Edward destroyed a few things: Bella's nightgown, Esme's bed frame, whatever desire I had to hear anything at all about their sex life.

Turns out that Edward was a little more controlled this time. Seeing as how the first time was the first time in his century or so of existence, that's hardly surprising. But on their second try, he didn't even hurt Bella, which they seem to see as a positive thing. Over breakfast, Edward even tells Bella that she doesn't have to pretend she wants to go to college anymore, now that she got the lovin' she was looking for. But it turns out that Bella was serious about going to Dartmouth -- she wants a little more human sex time before moving on to sparkling.

This makes planning their summer much easier. They can stay on the island for a few more weeks, hang out with Charlie before going off to school, and Edward even starts making plans to visit Renee for Christmas. Everyone wins! Well, everyone but Jacob, Bella briefly remembers, but who cares about werewolves?

Bella wants more sex, and now. But Edward doesn't want an audience, and the cleaning crew is coming for a visit. What a mess they're going to find -- a broken bed, feathers everywhere, the whole place is a disaster area. But while Gustavo cleans, Bella insists they watch a movie rather than exhausting herself in the jungle.

Edward shows the two man (well, one man, one woman) cleaning crew the damage. The woman seems shocked and appalled -- not at the bad writing, or the fact that Bella and Edward aren't really a great couple -- but because she's fearful. She's a Ticuna Indian, and she basically suspects Edward for being a vampire, or something like it. She's worried about Bella being like, eaten or something while she's here with Edward. Instead of actually watching a movie, the happy couple starts making out on the couch...and when Kaure (the woman) sees that, she's once again shocked, but apologizes when she sees that yes, Edward is actually just kissing her and not sucking the blood out of her.

Bella wants to know if they'll go back to sleeping in the room with all the feathers in it -- after that night, they moved to a smaller room -- but Edward thinks it's better to contain the permanent damage to the small room, since widespread destruction might not get them another invite to the island. For Bella's part, she's just happy that more destruction is in the cards. She's less happy that they have to wait until the cleaners leave, but personally, I know I wouldn't want to have sex with a couple of Brazilians watching me.

By the time they leave, Bella is very horny, but she's distracted by the fact that she's also hungry, and food is pretty awesome too. So they come up with a compromise: food for lunch, then sex for exercise. Ahh, young love!

So, as you can see, Bella's perfect honeymoon is going perfectly. There's lots of food, plenty of outdoor fun, and now she's finally getting all the vampire sex she wants. It sure would be a shame if there were consequences to all of this...but what could possibly go wrong for a teenage girl having lots of unprotected sex just months before going away to college?

Chapter Five: Sex. It's almost as good as blood.

Edward and Bella get to the terminal, and she sees they're going to Houston. Oh, exciting! They can see an Astros game! But it's only a stop along the way to sunny Rio. Which is only another stop along the way, because they take a taxi to the docks and head on a boat out into the ocean. Bella, being as sharp as always, surmises that they might be going to Atlantis. Sure you are, kid.

They're actually going out to an island. No, not the Lost island, although that would have been the most amazing plot twist ever. Edward vs. the Smoke Monster! Hurley interacting with vampires and werewolves! The fun would never end. But alas, it's not to be. This is Isle Esme, an island bought for Esme by Carlisle, because he's just that freaking rich.

When they reach the house on the island, Bella starts getting some extreme stage fright. See, this is the night when Edward gets to keep his end of the whole "sex for human time" bargain. I imagine the threat of dying during the middle of your first time makes it just that much worse. Remember, if Edward loses control, he could snap his wife like a twig in an instant -- something to potentially look forward to! And the bedroom has a giant white bed in the center of it. No, really, don't laugh! Okay, you can laugh a little.

But Edward lets Bella know that he's actually going to go out and take a nice midnight swim in the warm water. You know, since he (and therefore all parts of him) are cold, warm water might make everyone a little more comfortable. Edward tells her to take a human minute or two and then come join him in the ocean.

So, that's what Bella does. She takes a look through her luggage for something to wear, and finds that Alice did a lot of packing for her. Mostly lingerie, or as she puts it, "lingerie-ish lingerie," as opposed to non-lingerie lingerie. And it's FRENCH, for goodness sake!

Bella continues to freak out. She brushes her hair, since she's been sleeping on a plane all day. She showers, and shaves her legs. Then she thinks about what to wear again, and starts freaking out once more. Oh, Bella...

She settles on a towel, and walks out to the beach. Then she ditches the towel to join her vampire husband in the water. Edward says some really cheesy totally romantic lines (referring to the moon, "I wouldn't use the word beautiful, not with you standing here in comparison.") They decide one last time that they're really going to try to have sex here and now, and then...

FADE TO BLACK

No, really, pretty much how it went.

Anyway, the next morning, Bella's feeling pretty happy. Alas, she's hungry, and laughs about the fact that she's still a human with human needs. And yet, Edward doesn't find this as hilarious as she does. In fact, he looks horrified.

Bella can't understand why, but thinks maybe she did something wrong. But in her memories, everything went well; tab A fit perfectly into slot B, and that's not far off from how it's actually described in the book.

But Edward thinks the sex was just fine -- he wants to know how badly he damaged his wife in the process. She feels a bit sore, but otherwise okay, and doesn't understand why Edward would even think she was hurt, which just pisses him off more.

So, Bella looks at herself. First, she finds that she's covered in feathers. How did this happen? Apparently things got a little too heated for Mr. Sparkle last night, and he bit into a pillow. Or two. So manly!

But wait, there's more. Bella looks over herself to find bruises everywhere -- Edward finger-shaped bruises, to be exact. And yet, she can't actually remember ever being in pain. But Edward is mortified by what he's done. Bella apologizes, and says she's fine, but Edward won't let it go. This goes on for a few agonizingly long pages, after which Bella says her biggest fear is that he didn't enjoy it as much as she did. For her, it was perfect -- or, we can imagine, as perfect as you'd expect from a 110-year-old virgin vampire. PERFECT.

On the bright side, Edward very much enjoyed it too. I mean, he asked all the other guys in his family what to expect, and they told him it was the second best thing in the universe, just behind human blood -- pretty much how every guy feels. But Edward thinks it was even better than sucking her blood. How romantic!

Then there's a few more pages of arguing over whether or not Bella should hate Edward. Sigh. Once that's done, Edward decides to cook breakfast, since as he puts it, he's not feeding her often enough. I know how you feel, buddy: that's how my goldfish died. So sad. He makes eggs, which he learned how to do by watching the Food Network. Vampires must get really, really bored.

Bella scarfs down the eggs, and then leans over to kiss the chef for a job well done. Edward pulls back though, and when Bella asks what's up, Edward delivers the bad news: no more love making until she's a vampire. All told, I'd have to say this was a pretty average first time experience for the happy couple -- the severe bruising is a minus, but the fact that Bella survived is a definite plus...at least from their perspective.

Oh, but this honeymoon is far from over. More newlywed antics, next time on Breaking Dawn!

Chapter Four: No wedding is complete without a death threat.

It's time for the wedding reception, which promises to be almost as exciting as the wedding itself! A lot of people congratulate the new couple, including Seth Clearwater, who seems to be the wolf who likes the Cullens the best. Oh, the rest are coming around too, in so much as they won't kill them on sight anymore, but Seth's very buddy-buddy with Edward now. In a completely heterosexual way, of course.

And then Bella meets humans and vampires and werewolves, oh my! They all love her and Edward soooo much. They cut the cake and throw the garter and dance their first dance, and I can imagine the starry-eyed look in Stephenie Meyer's face while she was writing this, because it's pretty much wedding porn.

Bella dances with all her friends, and Edward wants to kill them because they all want her because she looks really, really hot today. Bella actually doesn't believe it until she looks at her reflection and sees just how great she looks. She's pretty much perfect, which will become a recurring theme throughout this novel.

But the wedding isn't quite perfect yet, and that just can't be, so Meyer gets right on fixing that. Look who shows up as a surprise -- it's Jacob! Bella's happy as a clam now that her best man/wolf is here. Oh sure, there's that whole thing of them ALSO being in love, but Edward doesn't seem to mind. They dance together, and Jacob tries to be as good as possible about not letting on how much it sucks to see her getting married right before she turns into a sparklepire. He's kind of out of practice for being human, since he's been running around all wolfy for the past few months, but he manages not to howl at the moon or rip off his clothes and chase after a rabbit or anything like that during their dance.

Turns out Sam and some of the other wolves are hanging near the party just in case Jacob goes nuts, as he's known to do. But Jacob says he just wants to be there to be Bella's best friend, so he won't cause any trouble. Oh, he'll be whiny, but other than that, he's totally going to be good. It's a promise!

Jacob asks for and gets a second dance. Bella says he can have as many as he wants, but he cuts it off at two, since his preferred number is somewhere in the range of infinity. It's all very sweet and sappy and everyone is happy, la la la! But this is Bella and Jacob, so we know it can't last. How can't this moment be ruined as quickly as possible? Here's the five step plan:

1. Jacob asks when she'll be a sparklepire.
2. Bella says in a week or two, so she won't have to spend her honeymoon in pain.
3. Jacob asks why that matters, since she can't have a real honeymoon while she's human anyway.
4. Bella says that she can and will have a real honeymoon.
5. Jacob processes this. Oh. OH!

Jacob is pissed about the sex. I mean, he's not happy to think of her sleeping with Edward anyway, but as a human, there's the extra risk of deadness.

Sensing that his buddy is losing control of the situation, Seth comes over to hold Jacob back, and Edward arrives on the scene as well. Jacob threatens to kill Edward right then and there, which doesn't seem entirely in line with his promise to be good at the wedding, but what do I know? I've never planned one of these things; maybe the death threat toward the groom is simply a werewolf tradition or something.

Sam and possibly Quil come out in wolf form to make sure a fight doesn't start, and the whole La Push crew drags Jacob away to make sure there isn't a scene. Jacob is the best friend ever! Seriously, literally in this very chapter, just a few pages ago, Bella was saying how she didn't deserve a friend as good as Jacob. Wonder how she feels about that now...oh, she blames herself. Of course she does.

There's some more dancing, and then Alice comes to tell the newlyweds that if they don't leave soon, they'll miss their flight. After a little bit of a fuss, Alice manages to get Bella to change into her going-away dress. Bella says goodbye to her parents and everyone else, has some rice thrown at her, and then the new Mr. and Mrs. Cullen get into their car and head for the airport so they can get started on their mystery honeymoon.

Where are they going? What will they do there? How much detail will we get when it comes to vampire sex? All that and more in the next edition of Breaking Dawn!

Chapter Three: She wrote it, so I have to write about it.

There is almost nothing I could do to make this chapter interesting. I could lie, and say that in a shocking twist, a tag-team army of zombies and faeries came and massacred all of the characters from the first three books, but I think we'd all know that didn't really happen. There are no zombies or faeries in these books. Or unicorns. I think they could use some unicorns.

So, it's the big day. Bella is nervous, of course, and hardly slept the night before. Charlie's still grumpy about having to dress up for the wedding, but I don't get why -- everyone looks great when they get dressed up!

Speaking of dressing up, Alice picks up Bella and takes her to get dressed and made up and all that. Really, this is horrifyingly boring for me, and while I imagine some girls might get more out of reading about another girl playing dress-up with the help of vampire girls (Rosalie even helps out, aww), for me it's pure torture. Bella, of course, is entirely convinced that no matter how good a job Alice does, she'll still be ugly compared to the sparkly girls all around her. Bella, you really shouldn't be having sex become a vampire just to boost your self-esteem or make other people like you better.

Bella has the requisite meetings with her parents, then heads downstairs for the ceremony. She comes out to Pachelbel's Canon (gee, that's original), almost falls down the stairs, and spends about a second admiring the bazillion flowers Alice has used to decorate the Cullen home. Of course, then she sees Edward, and instead of being nervous about falling, she wants to run right up front and be with her oh-so-perfect sparkle god. She finally gets there, they say the vows. She says "I do," and then Edward shocks everyone by eating Bella in front of the entire wedding. They react with thunderous applause, as even Charlie gives Edward a pat on the back.

Sorry, I daydreamed for a bit there. No, Edward says "I do," and they kiss (even in public, Bella can't pull away from him and he has to push her away to end the kiss -- he's THAT PERFECT), and all is right in Bellaland. Lots of family and friends come up to hug Bella, but she barely notices, because she's Mrs. Edward Sparklepire Cullen now, so mere mortals have no place in her life.

Yeah, that was boring. Don't worry, the honeymoon is going to be a LOT more fun.

Chapter Two: Guess what? Nothing happens.

Yeah, this might be a short update. It's not exactly the most eventful chapter.

Bella is chilling with Edward in her room, her father oblivious, since the sparklepire can sneak in and out without anyone being the wiser. In case you forgot from last book, Edward is perfectly perfect in every perfect way. So when Bella kisses him, it's a perfect kiss that she never wants to end, because it's just that perfect. He also looks perfect, with a perfect face and perfect body. Overall, she gives Edward a B+. It's a tough curve.

Edward doesn't want a bachelor party, because she's not going to miss being single at all. Uh-huh. Bella is "practicing" for when they finally have sex by tempting Edward as much as possible and hoping he doesn't accidentally kill her. Now, you probably read that sentence and thought I was joking...but I wasn't! This is Breaking Dawn, people -- it's Twilight on Sparklepire Growth Hormone.

They go over a lot of stuff we already know. Come on, Stephenie, we're already in the second chapter, enough with the recaps! If you're just joining us: they're gonna get married. Then they'll have the sex. Then Bella gets to be a vampire. She'll miss her family and friends, but not enough to even consider not being a vampire. The end!

One thing that kind of makes Edward sad about Bella's impending vampirism is the fact that she'll never have the option to have kids. It's 100% entirely impossible, ever ever ever, even when she's still a human. Simply can't happen, because Edward can't have children, since he's a vampire. Got that? So if it does happen later, it's going to be really surprising and you and I will never see it coming.

Emmett and Jasper come get Edward for the bachelor party, taking Edward away for the last time before the wedding. Bella is very concerned about Edward going to a strip club, because vampires would totally enjoy that, right? No...it's just another night of hunting for them -- a buffet of mountain lions and grizzly bears. Boring.

Bella has some nervousness before the wedding. Her issues are as follows:

• She's afraid she'll trip coming down the stairs. From what we know about Bella, this is a very legitimate concern that should trump everything else.
• The guest list includes the Denali family. There are some issues there, since Irina is pretty pissed about the Quileutes killing her boy toy Laurent. The rest of the family feels bad about it, and has agreed to be okay with the wolves to make up for that, but Irina's not going to show up at all. Not sure how this is really a problem at all, but thanks for the exposition!
• Bella has self-esteem issues. Gee, no kidding! She's afraid Tanya will look hotter than her. Really. Sigh.

Then Bella launches into more backstory. Tanya and her sisters in the Denali clan were all created many hundreds of years ago by a vampire woman who also enjoyed making little kids into vampires. These immortal children were impossible not to love, so basically, vampire covens would get into huge fights over them. Also, they couldn't be controlled at all, since they weren't old enough to understand how to control themselves, so they weren't good at following the whole "let's not let everyone know about vampires" rules. With all that in mind, the Volturi outlawed them, which included killing the woman who made the Denali ladies and her little vampire baby boy. Fun times!

Bella ends the chapter with a dream, which is pretty much Stephanie Meyer's way of saying "I'd like to add some foreshadowing here, but I only know one way to do it." Bella is back in the big field with the Volturi, who are themselves surrounded by lots of piles of smoldering ashes. The Volturi have killed lots of vampires, but Bella's only interested in one: a beautiful little vampire boy that she runs to protect. But when she gets there, she sees that the boy is standing over the bodies of her friends and her parents with those lovely red eyes the newborns always have.

Remember, Bella can never have a kid. Ever. Not gonna happen. Just making sure everyone's on the same page.

Breaking Dawn Chapter One: So it begins.

Okay, so I skipped the Eclipse review to get right to Breaking Dawn. Can you really blame me? The fans demanded Breaking Dawn updates, and I intend to deliver. But in short, Eclipse was actually way better than Twilight or New Moon. It wasn't good, but it wasn't really that painful either. Condense all of these books into one, use the James/Victoria revenge plot as the main conflict throughout, and have the big werewolf/vampire battle as your climax, and you probably have one acceptably decent genre book worth of material here. Assuming you found someone who could write to be the author, of course.

So anyway, it's time for a Breaking Down of Breaking Dawn (I'm hilarious). Bella is engaged, and everyone is starring at her brand new car. Now, why would they do something like that? Well, it's a darkly-tinted Mercedes. A Mercedes Guardian. You can skip to about the 3:15 mark of that video to see some of what this car (known in the real world as the S-Guard) is capable of withstanding. Okay, so there's no flamethrower action in the video, but they do shoot at it and try to blow it up! And yes, according to Wikipedia, it really is heavily armored:

Special features include the capability to withstand military-grade small arms fire and certain explosive devices, a self-sealing fuel tank, and a special alarm system.

So, yeah, quite a car Bella's got there. Turns out that Edward has given here two cars to replace her broken down truck; the before car (the Guardian), and an after car that she gets to see once she's a vampire. See, the before car is there so she doesn't get herself killed before then. Hilarious!

In other local news, there are lots of missing person fliers up all over the place for Jacob. Of course, most of La Push knows the deal, and so does Bella, but Charlie was very concerned for Jake. With that in mind, he had posters put up in every town within a 100-mile radius, but of course this is all for naught. Jacob is off being a wolf, so he's not so much missing as AWOL. The overall lack of concern bothers Charlie, because he's pretty much the only one not in the loop here. This is something imperfect about Bella's world, so you can expect it to change sometime in the next 750 pages. Oh yeah, this book is obscenely long.

Bella calls Seth looking for an update. Of course, the other wolves can still hear and feel him, even if he's trying not to act humany. Seems like he's hanging out in northern Canada, where he plans to become the world's greatest werewolf curler. More importantly, he's not coming home anytime soon, as far as Seth can tell. Seth and his mom will be at the wedding though, even if the rest of the wolves aren't exactly fans of her inter-species relationship.

Bella thinks back to the night she and Edward told Charlie about the wedding. Flashback time! Everyone make the Wayne's World flashback noise...

Bella and Edward wait on the loveseat in the Swan living room as Charlie gets home. Edward rushes to tell Charlie the good news, but Bella wants to wait until Chief Swan puts away his gun first.

Anyway, Charlie can tell there's a big announcement coming, and since Bella looks so nervous, he jumps right to pregnancy. And why wouldn't he? Bella's right on this one; it's really the first reason why two 18-year-olds would be getting married anyway. But of course, Bella's not pregnant. That would mean that a guy who has been dead for nearly a century impregnated her with some sort of mutant human-baby hybrid. And that's ridiculous.

Once the truth comes out though, Charlie's still not exactly happy. Oh, he knew it was coming eventually, and he can't be as furious as he would be were there a freakish baby on the way, but still -- they're just finishing up high school! Isn't this all happening a little fast?

Bella decides not to tell him about the whole "and after we're married, I'm becoming a vampire" part. Probably smart.

After he comes to grip with the fact that this really is happening, Charlie begins laughing. Not a happy laugh, but the kind the evil, maniacal kind you expect from Bond villains. For Charlie has realized that Bella will have to deal with the true horror: she gets to tell Mom about the wedding. Um, okay. The part with her telling her mom is kind of boring. Bella doesn't want to repeat her mother's mistakes, but Renee sees that things are different between Bella and Edward, so she's cool with it, and that's pretty much that. This was a really lame flashback.

Anyway, back to present day. Alice is giving Charlie and Bella their final fits for their respective wedding attire. Bella really doesn't want to deal with all this, so Alice tells her to go to her happy place during the fitting. Bella's happy place is imagining what it's going to be like when she finally forces Edward to have sex with her before she becomes a sparkle goddess.

This book is going to be amazing, and not in a good way.

Epilogue: From Jacob's point of view. I'm sure this won't get old!

Oh hey, what do you know? This book isn't over yet after all. See, we have an epilogue, and it's no ordinary epilogue at that. It's told from Jacob's point of view, the first part of these novels that hasn't come straight through a Bella filter.

Leah is being annoying. Jacob went out to the La Push cliffs to have a little alone time, but Leah just won't go away. She's a little pissed off at Jacob, since the pack makes his thoughts her thoughts (and everyone else's, for that matter). Since Jacob loves Bella, everyone in the pack gets to experience that. Leah says she had a dream last night where she was kissing Bella.

In case you were wondering, there's no shortage of Bella/Leah fanfiction. I looked so you won't have to. Thank me later.

Leah thinks that Jacob should just get over Bella anyway. She's going to be turned into a vampire, or more likely, die in the process. And you can't very well make out with a corpse. I mean, you could, but this is definitely not a book about that.

Jacob strikes back, pointing out that the whole pack has to see how she thinks about Sam. When he imprinted on Emily, he left a very unhappy Leah behind, and she still thinks about him. A lot.

Jacob then has a rather long internal monologue. I don't care, you don't care. Basically, he wonders what it'll be like when Bella is a vampire, and isn't sure if he'd want to kill her or if she'd still basically be Bella. If Edward accidentally killed Bella instead, then things would be so much simpler!

Jacob gets home, and there's mail waiting for him. A wedding invitation, to be exact, to the Swan-Cullen extravaganza taking place later that summer. It comes with a note from Edward, who says that he'd want the choice if Bella had ended up with Jacob, so even though he's not supposed to get in touch with him, he wanted to give Jacob the option of coming to the wedding. Which is exactly what any guy would do with his fiancee's other love interest who she made out with last week. It's great having you back, Unrealistic Sparkling Edward!

Jacob, however, doesn't take it so well. He goes all wolf and runs away. One by one, his packmates let him go, with Sam commanding them all to phase back to human form so that Jacob can be alone with his thoughts. Jacob runs right off the page and out of the book, hopefully escaping from Breaking Dawn before it's too late.

Ah, but things are never that easy. Stay tuned for the grand finale, as I read...Breaking Dawn!