Chapter Thirty: Rensemee wins again.

The chapter opens with more sulking. This is followed by some Edward/Bella sparklepire sex, since they're both afraid they might be dead in a month, and need to get as much loving in as possible before then, preferably when Renesmee isn't in the room. Although, she is in the cottage, and given how crazy the vampire action gets, I find it hard to believe she could sleep through that. Boy, isn't mom going to be embarrassed when Nessie shows her a memory tomorrow morning!

Edward and Bella stop screwing when the sun comes up, because they have a job to do. They have to track down some guy named Eleazar for some reason or another. Do you really care why? I didn't think so. It has something to do with Renesmee, because everything does.

Bella also wants Edward to teach her to fight. Not a master class or anything, but she at least wants the basics of vampire self-defense, just in case she needs to protect herself. Edward agrees that she should learn the basics, but doesn't think they have much of a chance against the Volturi anyway. Then he launches into an extremely expository scouting report! Here's what he reports back:

Jane: Offensive superstar. Can make anyone feel searing pain (except Bella, of course). Not great on the basepaths, poor arm.

Alec: Complimentary piece that works perfectly with Jane. Can rob you of all your senses (unless your name is Bella!), and can do it to large groups at once. Has some trouble with outside breaking pitches.

This, of course, gives Bella stupid ideas. Their powers don't work on her, so maybe she can beat them up, or at least distract them long enough to give the others a fighting chance. I mean, with powers like theirs, why would they ever learn how to fight? It's not like anyone could have ever foreseen the possibility of a vampire having an anti-power power, seeing as how only like 80% of the vampires we meet in this ridiculous series have superpowers.

So, it seems that Eleazar is a lot like Carlisle, in that he spent a lot of time with the Volturi before leaving them. In his case, he left for a sparkly woman, Carmen. They're coming down with Tanya and the rest of their clan; since they're the closest to the Cullens, everyone figures they'll need the least convincing. Plus, Eleazar knows as much about the Volturi as anyone, so he might be able to help in other ways. He has some sort of ability-sensing ability too, which might prove helpful or something. I don't know.

So, the house guests come over, and there's a lot of needlessly cryptic conversation between the two sides before they finally get to the point. The new vampires smell someone who is almost human. Tada, it's Renesmee!

Of course, when they first see her, they freak the fuck out, because they think she's an immortal child. Edward barely gets them to stay by pointing out that, hello, heartbeat and weird smell equals NOT A VAMPIRE.

Slowly, Renesmee wins them over, of course. She uses her gift, and one by one, everyone falls for her charm and they believe that she's only a half-pire. This process takes several pages, and is extremely repetitive:

"Let her explain!"
"No, that devilish creature will not touch me!"
"Please?"
"Well..."
"Please?"
"Okay..."
*Renesmee does her thing*
"I LOVE YOU FREAK CHILD!"

In the end, everyone agrees that Renesmee is awesome and that they'll stand with the Cullens as witnesses to her status as not an immortal child. Whether or not that will be enough remains to be seen, but the way Renesmee automatically makes everyone love her, I have to like their odds.