Chapter Three: It can't be the end...there's still another 500 pages.

Chapter Three is titled "The End." This is a blatant lie, and I'm offended.

Bella is worried that something about her latest near-death vampiric experience has made Edward especially upset. But Edward won't really say anything about it, other than that Alice has taken Jasper away for a while. Besides that, the days go by with Edward being mysteriously quiet and sullen. As the reader, this is way better than listening to the two of them talk...but I suppose I can understand how it would look different from Bella's perspective.

Bella suspects something is going to change; her guess is that they're going to have to leave Forks and live on their own, away from the rest of the Cullens. Even for the Edward-obsessed Bella, that would suck, but she can deal with it -- as long as she gets to spend the rest of her existence with her sparkle-god.

One day, Edward asks if he can come over after school. When Bella gets home, he's already there. He says "come for a walk with me."

Uh-oh, that's not good.

The walk only goes a few steps away from the Swan property line.

That's really not good.

"Let's talk."

Someone's getting broken up with!

Edward says that they're going to leave Forks, because it's about time for them to go anyway -- they can't pass as aging for very much longer. It takes Bella about 30 seconds to figure out that he's not including her in the "we" that will be leaving, at which point she still tries to say she'll come with them. This leads to a variation on their normal relationship script. Edward says he's not good for her, and they can not be. Bella says that's ridiculous, they must be! Rinse and repeat.

Except this time, Edward won't have it, and says that it's no longer good for Bella for the two of them to be together. Bella, being a typical teenage girl, has the following exchange with her vampire ex:

Edward: "Bella, I don't want you to come with me."
Bella: "You...don't...want me?"

Although, as irrational as that sounded to me at first, it's worth noting that Edward puts the nail in the coffin with a resounding "no."

Edward keeps saying some mean things. It feels really forced, and since there's still nearly three books to go, I'm sure he's still entirely in love with her and stuff. But he thinks going away and trying to make a clean break is what's best for Bella, so that's that.

He does make one request, though: Bella isn't to do anything reckless or stupid. Edward should know her well enough to know this is impossible -- it's really the one definable personality trait given to her by the author. But she promises to try, and he promises she'll never see him (or any of the other Cullens) ever again.

And like that, he's gone. It's over! We win! We made it through all of the Twilight romance series! But what's this? There are still 2.9 books left? Very well...

Bella wanders off into the woods, because she's Bella. She actually falls asleep, or at least doses off and loses complete track of time, out in the woods. In the middle of the night, she's found by Charlie's friend Sam Uley. In a rare touching moment, Bella perks up when she hears the name Charlie -- even in her state, Dad still matters.

Anyway, Bella confirms that she's physically fine, and that Edward didn't physically hurt her. She's sneaky like that, you see. But her little Bella heart clumsily tripped over one of her ribs and is forever broken. To add insult to injury, the Quileute youngsters are lighting celebratory bonfires now that the Cullens -- better known in their legends as the "cold ones" -- have left town.

Back in the Swan home, it's clear that Edward took care of business before running off. There's a forged note from Bella that let the search party know that she went for a walk in the woods...and she immediately suspects that he did more while he was in the house. Running up to her room, she finds everything that might have reminded her for Edward has mysteriously vanished. No pictures, no piano CD, no sparkling body glitter. As the chapter ends, Bella falls beneath a wave of pain that will turn her into a morose, sulking teenage girl for the foreseeable future.

In other words, nobody should be able to notice any difference. And the chapter ends...

But wait, BONUS COVERAGE!

The next four pages of the novel are almost entirely blank. Each only has one word on it:

OCTOBER
NOVEMBER
DECEMBER
JANUARY

You see, because Bella is sad and doing nothing. She's lost her vampire, and now her life is sooooo hard. This isn't going to be a fun 500 pages...