Chapter Eighteen: Let's be vague, no need to verify things like death.

Jacob is at the door, with Alice nowhere to be seen. He's not very happy about a vampire living in the Swan home, because -- just catching up for those of you who are new here -- werewolves and vampires don't get along very well. Jacob is happy to at least know it's only Alice, that no other vampires will be moving into the area anytime soon, and that Alice has been made aware of the Victoria situation so she can help with Bella protection duties.

Jacob is eager for Alice to leave, because he's not interested in things like Alice/Bella slash fiction; he just wants the icky vampires to be gone. Bella doesn't understand why she can't be friends with everyone all the time, but while Jacob feels a little bad for making Bella sad, he doesn't think that'll work. He also thinks Bella smells even worse than usual, because now she has some sort of weird freesia/vampire mix, which just isn't working for her at all. Alice doesn't like the werewolf smell either, while Bella (of course) thinks everyone smells just fine. Personally, I think people should spend less time smelling each other in this novel, and more time getting into epic supernatural fights...but then, I'm not a bestselling author.

Jacob says that vampires and werewolves hating each other is just the way things are, which seems an awful lot like the justification used for every horrible thing ever done in human history. Bella doesn't like it, and stares at Jacob. Who stares back at her. Who stares back at him, staring back at her. STARING. Then Jacob moves in for a kiss, and Bella can't decide if she wants to or not, so she stares some more.

Instead, the phone rings just in time, in another one of those "made for the movie" moments we all love so much. Jacob answers the phone, speaks to someone who clearly bothers him, and says only two things: "He's not here," and "He's at the funeral."

Jacob uses a horrible anti-vampire slur -- bloodsucker -- to refer to the person he just got off the phone with. The caller identified themselves as Dr. Carlisle Cullen, and hung up after getting his questions answered. Bella is mad that he didn't let her talk, but Jacob didn't really break any rules -- other than the "answering someone else's phone and then acting like a dick to the person on the other end" rule, of course.

Alice comes back in, looking less than thrilled. She can only say "Edward," and the name itself nearly makes Bella faint...really, Bella? REALLY? Anyway, Alice immediately calls Carlisle, but gets Rosalie instead, who has clearly done something awful based on the half a conversation we hear.

Turns out that Carlisle wasn't the one on the phone -- it was that sneaky bastard Edward looking for information on Bella. And what do you know, Charlie just happens to be an A funeral! Not THE funeral for Bella that Edward thinks it is, but why ask for details when you can just make wild assumptions? It also turns out that Rosalie, whose character still hasn't been developed any further than "hot bitch," told Edward about Alice's vision, because that's just the kind of thing family does for each other.

So, Edward thinks Bella is dead. With that knowledge, he's ready for a lovely vacation to Italy. He plans to see the Colosseum, take in a Juventus match or two, and then do something crazy so that the Volturi will be forced to kill him.

Bella, of course, isn't happy with this plan. She finds soccer very boring, and all other things equal, would prefer that Edward not be dead, so she begs Alice to do whatever is possible to try and stop his death. It seems that Edward is going to the Volturi to ask for death, and if they so no -- which Alice thinks is likely -- he'll force them to do the job by causing a disturbance in their 'hood.

Bella wants to leave immediately; Alice is concerned about getting Bella killed. Bella points out that she nearly gets herself killed on a daily basis, which is the smartest and most accurate comment she's ever made in this series. While Bella gets ready to go, Jacob and Alice have a juvenile argument that seems like the sort of things two six-year-olds might have on the playground, only with the added weight of impending doom and supernatural creatures.

Bella is set to go, despite Jacob's pleas. He'd like her, just this once, not to try and kill herself. But Bella will have none of it, and she's off for her flight with Alice. Next time on New Moon: Bella goes to Italy!