Why Am I Reading This Crap???

I spent last weekend in Washington, D.C. visiting one of my best friends. It was fun, but at some point my friend got the idea that she wanted to torture me. She sent me home with Twilight. All four books. The entire series. I vaguely protested, but I couldn't say no.

Now, the easy way out would be to put the books aside, make excuses and run out the clock until I have to give the books back.

Fuck that. This is a challenge. This is something that no man should have to do, and yet, by doing it, I shall come out the other side a stronger person, provided I don't lose my mind in the process.

I am going to read every Twilight book. Every. Single. Page. Every terrible expression of vampire love, every mopey complaint by the protagonist, every horrifically bad phrase that Stephanie Mayer spewed onto these pages. I will not be defeated, I will not be stopped.

After every chapter (possibly after every couple sometimes, depending on how much I can stomach), I'll post an update detailing what I think and how difficult continuing the project is becoming. I'll be rating my current state of mind on three scales, each from 1-100:

Banality Index (BI): How incredibly bored of the stupid shit going on am I? This is my main measure of the plot, with the higher the number, the more the stupid plot is driving me crazy. I'll start this one at 0.

Writing Quality: I'll start in the middle here, with 50. Based on reputation, I could start at 0, but I'll give Mayer the benefit of the doubt until I'm reading her myself. As the number goes up (yeah, right), you can assume I've been impressed with the quality of Stephanie Mayer's beautiful prose. As the number approaches 0 you can safely assume that I'm yelling futile comments at the book in an attempt to make it stop.

Will to Continue: This is the big one. Right now, I'm at 100 -- I'm fully committed to finishing these god-awful abominations. As it approaches 0, it means I'm closer and closer to giving up; if I ever hit 0, I really will stop.

That's it. I'll start reading Twilight tonight, and report back if I survive the first session. I am not a religious man, but if you are, I'd appreciate your prayers through these trying times.