Chapter Fourteen: Vampires are creepy old men.

It's so true.

Edward drives Bella home, and in the process, proves that he has no taste in music. To test your musical taste against a vampire's, please rate the following decades based on their musical awesomeness:

- 1950s
- 1960s
- 1970s
- 1980s

Maybe I'm crazy, but I'd probably go 70s, 60s, 80s, 50s in that order. Edward's list?

Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh! The eighties were bearable.

Sure vampire boy, whatever you say.

This concerns Bella enough to ask exactly how old Edward is. Turns out he was born in 1901, making him somewhere in the vicinity of 100 years old. Yes, he looks 17, but he certainly acts like a much older man most of the time, and was probably born well before Bella's grandparents...which makes him a creepy old man dating a high school girl by any standard.

Edward then goes crazy...crazy for exposition, that is! He spends a few page talking about how he was turned (Carlisle did it to save him from death from the Spanish influenza by biting him, but not enough to kill), his wacky family made up of a rag-tag bunch of happy vampires, and why they live in the rainiest place on Earth (it's nice to go outside during the day without everyone seeing you sparkle).

Let's do a quick rundown of the Cullen clan: Carlisle (a doctor by trade) plays the dad, married to his wife Esme, who he turned not too long after Edward. Later on he brought along Rosalie, who he hoped would be a life partner for Edward, but it was all for naught...until Rosalie found Emmett, and they fell in vampire love. Those two sometimes live on their own as a married couple once they can pretend to grow up after graduating high school every once in a while. Jasper is a recent convert to their low-fat non-human diet, having become depressed during his time as part of an evil vampire family.

And then there's Alice.

Alice is by far the most interesting character in this novel so far. Alice is a complete mystery: she doesn't know who turned her into a vampire. She doesn't remember her human life at all. And she has the power to see the possible future -- though there is no fate but what we make, so her visions aren't foolproof. I would be way more into this book if it were completely about Alice having visions and trying to discover where she came from and who she was. But then, that would be interesting, and this is Twilight.

Anyway, Edward takes Bella home and hangs out at the Swan station house for the night. He then becomes an even creepier old man when he admits that since he doesn't sleep, he's been spending his nights sneaking into their house and watching Bella sleep, listening to her talk in her dreams.

Bella is chagrined. Oh, not because it's an incredible violation of her privacy and she's creeped out and never wants to see him again, like a normal person would feel. Bella's just mortified that Edward may have heard her say things she'd find embarrassing. You see, it's only creepy if you're ugly.

Anyway, Bella's dad Charlie comes home. Edward is sneaky (you have to be if you're going to survive in the creepy old man business) and manages to hide while Bella convinces her father that she really did just spend the whole day alone. Although he's suspicious, he ultimately accepts Bella's story that she wants to go to bed early. After checking on her once to make sure she's really sleeping (she's totally not), he leaves her alone for the rest of the night.

But of course, Edward is still around, and he spends the night with Bella talking about how hard it is to resist eating her because she has the mouthwatering aroma of "lavender...or fressia." Bella eventually does have to sleep, but before then, they do manage to cover two important topics.

First, Bella asks the very reasonable question of how Edward and Alice got their abilities. It seems that Dr. Carlisle thinks that those turned into vampires carry over magnified versions of their strongest human traits. Carlisle brought his compassion, Esme her passionate love, Emmett his strength, Rosalie her tenacity and stubbornness. Jasper has the ability to use his charisma to influence others, while Alice and Edward have their more obvious gifts.

Then, after calling Bella a baby seal to his killer whale, Edward coaxes one last question out of Bella. She wants to know if Rosalie and Emmett do everything a married human couple would do. Edward confirms the existence of crazy vampire sex, then finds out that what Bella was really getting at was if he'd he'd be able to make cold, stony, godlike sparkly love with her. Unfortunately, much like Superman, Edward is unsure that he'd be able to control herself and avoid killing Bella mid-coitus, taking sex right out of the equation -- even though they both confirm that they think the other is really really hot. It's not you, honey, it's just that you might eat me.

The chapter ends with Bella falling asleep in Edward's cold, undead arms while he sings her a lullaby, and with me wondering how I'm going to be able to sleep at all when for all I know there could be a creepy old vampire man watching me every night. Or watching you. Think about that when you turn out the lights tonight!