Chapter Thirteen: What a sick, masochistic blogger.

Bella and Edward frolic in a meadow. Okay, so there's not much frolicking; mostly, Bella and Edward lay there and talk to each other. But first, the elephant in the room...what happens when Edward is exposed to the sunlight?

Alright, let's face it: we already all know the answer. We've heard someone make fun of it, or we've seen a parody of it, or we've been forced to watch one of the movies and seen it first hand. But if for any reason you really don't know what happens, you'd never be able to guess. So if you're one of the rare people who has no idea what's coming, try to guess.

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Okay, now make it 90% more girly.

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Nope, 300% more ridiculous.

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Seriously, you have to imagine something you'd never ever associate with a vampire, ever. Are you ready?

Edward sparkles. Yes, when he's in the sun, he sparkles. Sparkles. Just to confirm:

His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.

Please take a few minutes to laugh at the sparklepire.

Anyway, this sparkling makes Bella forget all about how beautiful the meadow is, and remember how even more beautiful Edward is. You see, he was perfect, but now he's even MORE perfect. Like, if you lined up a dozen different perfect things, he'd clearly be the perfectest.

This leads to Bella and Edward laying together in the meadow. They go through their patented conversation one more time (we must be together!" "we must be apart!" I can't be apart!" "Nor can I!" "Then we'll be together!" "Cool, but I might eat you.") before getting to one of the more quotable exchanges from the book:

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...," [Edward] murmured.

"What a stupid lamb," [Bella] sighed.

"what a sick, masochistic lion."

Sigh.

The charges of masochism deserve an explanation. See, Edward can't get enough of Bella because she's especially tempting to him. As he explains it, it's like having a favorite flavor of ice cream. You might like cookie dough, while I prefer to tear the woman at the counter limb from limb, drinking all of her blood. It's one of those little personal preferences everyone has. As he puts it, Bella is his personal brand of heroin (she's certainly not a heroine).

If any of this sounds interesting, keep in mind that it's doled out in a very long chapter which mostly involves what Edward and Bella are doing while they lay in the meadow. They touch each other! He listens to her heartbeat, and she listens to his heart not beat! They touch each other some more!

Finally, as darkness begins to fall on the sunny little meadow of their souls (well, Bella's soul, anyway), Edward gets really to take Bella home. They have several miles to hike back to Bella's truck, but Edward can make it in no time flat -- he's got super vampire speed! Bella hops on his back and goes along for the ride; a few minutes later, they're back at the truck.

Bella is dizzy from the super-speed adventure, and it only gets worse when we reach the moment that every 14-year-old girl reading this book has been waiting for...our first vampire kiss. The way it's written, it sounds anything but romantic: in fact, it might be the most awkward kiss ever. I suppose it's understandable, considering that Bella has told us a few hundred times that Edward is cold and stone-like, two qualities that wouldn't seem conducive to passionate make out sessions. So I guess they're officially dating now, if you care.

As of the end of this chapter, I've read 285 pages. There really hasn't been a plot so far, outside of sulking and moping and vampire-related angst and Bella tripping over things. But I'm being told that there's an actual, honest-to-goodness plot coming any minute now. I'll believe it when I see it...