Edward didn't just give Jacob the keys to any old car. Jacob's got the reins to an Aston Martin Vanquish! Jacob drives around being angsty for a while, before finding himself somewhere in the area between Seattle and Tacoma. His goal? Find a girl to imprint on, because that's totally how it works. Right?
Eventually, Jacob decides to hang out at a park. He shows he's a real rebel by parking the car across two handicap spaces! Jacob's plan for today is to be as creepy as possible by noticing every little thing about every girl who walks by. But after a while, he gets even creepier -- he starts to notice the things in the other girls that remind him of Bella.
Just when he's decided that he's had enough of acting like a creepy old man, Jacob is approached by one of the girls he was semi-stalking earlier. She asks him where he picked up the stolen car. Jacob tries to explain that it was given to him by a sparkling vampire because his best friend who he's in love with is having a mutant half-vampire baby and will probably die during childbirth, but that explanation doesn't quite fly.
Turns out that the girl's name is Lizzie. She's smart, pretty, funny, and knows cars. Basically, the perfect girl if you pick your mates by filling out a checklist. But alas, neither love nor imprinting works that way, so Jacob is out of luck. He's pretty much resigned to being alone, especially since everyone agrees Seth should stay in La Push when the werewolf tiff is over with. At least Jacob will always have Leah to mope with!
Heading back to Cullen Manor around dusk, Jacob finds Edward waiting for him. Jacob remembers that he had planned to wreck the car. Oops! Maybe next time.
Edward wants to chat about a few things. First, there's Leah. She came in and basically raked Bella over the coals for making like tough on Jacob. She did that by...existing, I guess? It's not her fault she has some sort of feelings for Jacob. It's not like she came up with the "sleep with Jacob on the weekends for procreation purposes" plan. But Leah was pissed, and Edward wants Jacob to use his Alpha powers to shut her up. Jacob won't do that, but he's willing to talk to her. Besides, it's probably out of her system by now anyway.
Other than the Leah madness, Bella's doing better. Apparently, the baby is already pretty intelligent. What a surprise! It can even understand other nearby people, at least to some extent. It's even trying its best not to hurt Bella, because it loves Mommy soooo much.
On the downside, the baby is simply getting too big, and when Carlisle gets back from acquiring more blood, Edward wants to convince him to deliver the baby now. Edward is now convinced that Bella will make it, with the cooperation of Superbaby.
Which brings him to his next point. Of course, Edward wants to save Bella by turning her into a vampire, which is pretty much Bella's dream come true. But there is still the nasty business about that treaty thing. Edward wants an official exemption for Bella, since it's her choice and they'll be saving her life and not eating her even a little bit. Jacob thinks he wants Sam, since he's the main Alpha dog, but Edward points out that Jacob is the true heir to the Alpha position, and thus the only one who can really change the original treaty terms.
Jacob takes a little time to think about this. He chats with Seth, he gives Bella a quick hello. She apologizes for stuff, because that's her biggest skill. And finally, he agrees to give Edward permission to vampirize Bella if necessary.
So everything's fine now, right? Not so fast, my friend.
Bella tries to take a little walk, and is rewarded with a ripping sound from somewhere inside her body. This is followed by shrieking, vomit and fountains of blood. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this baby is coming out right now, and that you do not want to miss this.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Chapter Sixteen: Werewoman problems.
Leah and Jacob go run one last patrol just to make sure it's safe for the sparkly ones to go hunting today. With no scent of the La Push wolves, they seem to be in the clear. Even better for Leah, she's officially become less annoying to Jacob than Paul was. Good job, kid!
Leah's pretty hungry, so Jacob suggests they hunt. Leah hates eating that way, but Jacob tries to remind her that it's just what wolves do, and it's pretty natural. Of course, when you've spend the first 16 or however many years of your life eating things that have come out of a microwave, you have to question just how natural it is to eat wolf style. In any case, it's not that she won't do it, it's just not very fun.
In with all the hunting conversation, Leah admits that Jacob is a good Alpha, and that she wants to stay with him. And, as it turns out, Seth does too. They're a lot happier with Jacob than they ever were with Sam. Jacob's not sure how he feels about all this; being Alpha wasn't really something he was considering taking on as a full-time job. He's more of a freelance middle-management werewolf. But he says he'll at least consider it.
Anyway, Jacob and Leah take down some deer and have a little feast. Jacob lets his brain go as wolfy as possible, which in turn infects Leah's brain, making it easier for her to eat raw venison. When mealtime is over, Leah and Jacob decide it's time to have a nice intimate chat.
You see, Jacob thinks that maybe Leah shouldn't stick around. Should she really have to listen to Jacob whine about Bella in his head all day long? But from Leah's perspective, it's easier to listen to that then be in her own head, whining about Sam all day long. It's not quite as bad for Leah, because she sees how happy Sam is, and if you really love someone, that does a lot to make things easier. But she can at least understand where Jacob is coming from.
Then things get a little weirder. Leah says she can see where Rosalie is coming from. That's enough to piss Jacob off, but she wants to explain. See, Rosalie is a genetic dead end, unable to have kids. Leah kind of thinks she's the same way. The pack never wanted to listen to her "woman problems," as my mom might put it, but being a werewolf hasn't been easy on her. In the first month, she thought she was pregnant, but it quickly became apparent that she wasn't going to be having a period or a baby. No, her body pretty much stopped -- just like it did for the guys, but a little more traumatically. As she puts it, she's 20 years old and menopausal.
This is possibly the conversation that Jacob has least wanted to have in his entire life. Nonetheless, he attempts to be helpful, saying that it's likely that when she stops being a wolf, she'll go back to having her normal womanly cycles. Leah's not so convinced, especially since she hasn't imprinted yet. And every cool werewolf is doing that these days, so there must be something wrong with her if she hasn't, right? Oh, sorry Jacob, forgot you were here too.
After Jacob gets over the awkwardness of all this, Leah steers the conversation back to Rosalie. She thinks that what Rosalie wants, more than anything, is what she can't have -- a child. That's why she's so driven to protect the baby (and to a lesser, sort of tangential extent, Bella). And it's not like Rosalie is killing Bella, that's just a side effect! She's just more than happy to do anything Bella wants to give her the chance to have what Rosalie never can. Aww.
Anyway, Jacob thinks this is a load of crap, and leaves Leah behind to go back to Cullen Manor and hang out with people who see things more his way. He runs into Alice right away, who is definitely on Team Hate-the-Baby. She reports that the baby might have broken Bella's pelvis now. How pleasant! Just then, it turns out that there wasn't actually any breaking involved, which leads to Rosalie gloating a little bit. Alice speculates that Edward is going to tear Rosalie apart; Jacob offers to help if Alice is in too.
Jacob suggests that it's safe to hunt, even if they leave fewer people behind to guard Bella, and Carlisle defers to his advice. Jacob also tells a blond joke that Rosalie hasn't heard before. Success!
So it's just Jacob, Edward, Bella and Rosalie hanging around the house, having fun times. Jacob settles down to sleep, but as usual, weird shit starts happening, meaning he can't go to bed quite yet.
Edward hears a voice that nobody else can. Come on, Meyer, it's a little late to be introducing ghosts into the story! But no, it's not a ghost...it's the baby. Edward can now hear the baby's thoughts, adding a whole new level of weird to the proceedings. The baby likes the sound of Bella's voice. It's not exactly the most exciting thought, but still: that's something, right?
Next thing they know, the baby is sending out happy thoughts into the world, and Bella is calling it EJ. Remember, she's absolutely sure it's a boy! Edward Jacob is a very nice, very creepy name. I know that if I had a boy, I'd want it to have the middle name of the other guy she was in love with as a constant reminder. Oh, and just in case it's a girl, it'll have an even better name: Renesmee. you see, Renee, plus Esme...yeah. Get used to it.
And then Edward realizes the baby loves its mommy, and Jacob realizes he's really, really outnumbered now, because there's no way Edward will be anti-baby now that he's sort of having conversations with it. And holy crap, does that hurt Jacob that he has to be alone, the only one suffering in a sea of happy sparkly people.
Edward does the only thing he can think of when he sees how Jacob feels: he gives him a set of keys to one of their very fancy sports cars. Jacob's emotions may be coming apart at the seams, but at least he can go zoom zoom in the meantime!
Leah's pretty hungry, so Jacob suggests they hunt. Leah hates eating that way, but Jacob tries to remind her that it's just what wolves do, and it's pretty natural. Of course, when you've spend the first 16 or however many years of your life eating things that have come out of a microwave, you have to question just how natural it is to eat wolf style. In any case, it's not that she won't do it, it's just not very fun.
In with all the hunting conversation, Leah admits that Jacob is a good Alpha, and that she wants to stay with him. And, as it turns out, Seth does too. They're a lot happier with Jacob than they ever were with Sam. Jacob's not sure how he feels about all this; being Alpha wasn't really something he was considering taking on as a full-time job. He's more of a freelance middle-management werewolf. But he says he'll at least consider it.
Anyway, Jacob and Leah take down some deer and have a little feast. Jacob lets his brain go as wolfy as possible, which in turn infects Leah's brain, making it easier for her to eat raw venison. When mealtime is over, Leah and Jacob decide it's time to have a nice intimate chat.
You see, Jacob thinks that maybe Leah shouldn't stick around. Should she really have to listen to Jacob whine about Bella in his head all day long? But from Leah's perspective, it's easier to listen to that then be in her own head, whining about Sam all day long. It's not quite as bad for Leah, because she sees how happy Sam is, and if you really love someone, that does a lot to make things easier. But she can at least understand where Jacob is coming from.
Then things get a little weirder. Leah says she can see where Rosalie is coming from. That's enough to piss Jacob off, but she wants to explain. See, Rosalie is a genetic dead end, unable to have kids. Leah kind of thinks she's the same way. The pack never wanted to listen to her "woman problems," as my mom might put it, but being a werewolf hasn't been easy on her. In the first month, she thought she was pregnant, but it quickly became apparent that she wasn't going to be having a period or a baby. No, her body pretty much stopped -- just like it did for the guys, but a little more traumatically. As she puts it, she's 20 years old and menopausal.
This is possibly the conversation that Jacob has least wanted to have in his entire life. Nonetheless, he attempts to be helpful, saying that it's likely that when she stops being a wolf, she'll go back to having her normal womanly cycles. Leah's not so convinced, especially since she hasn't imprinted yet. And every cool werewolf is doing that these days, so there must be something wrong with her if she hasn't, right? Oh, sorry Jacob, forgot you were here too.
After Jacob gets over the awkwardness of all this, Leah steers the conversation back to Rosalie. She thinks that what Rosalie wants, more than anything, is what she can't have -- a child. That's why she's so driven to protect the baby (and to a lesser, sort of tangential extent, Bella). And it's not like Rosalie is killing Bella, that's just a side effect! She's just more than happy to do anything Bella wants to give her the chance to have what Rosalie never can. Aww.
Anyway, Jacob thinks this is a load of crap, and leaves Leah behind to go back to Cullen Manor and hang out with people who see things more his way. He runs into Alice right away, who is definitely on Team Hate-the-Baby. She reports that the baby might have broken Bella's pelvis now. How pleasant! Just then, it turns out that there wasn't actually any breaking involved, which leads to Rosalie gloating a little bit. Alice speculates that Edward is going to tear Rosalie apart; Jacob offers to help if Alice is in too.
Jacob suggests that it's safe to hunt, even if they leave fewer people behind to guard Bella, and Carlisle defers to his advice. Jacob also tells a blond joke that Rosalie hasn't heard before. Success!
So it's just Jacob, Edward, Bella and Rosalie hanging around the house, having fun times. Jacob settles down to sleep, but as usual, weird shit starts happening, meaning he can't go to bed quite yet.
Edward hears a voice that nobody else can. Come on, Meyer, it's a little late to be introducing ghosts into the story! But no, it's not a ghost...it's the baby. Edward can now hear the baby's thoughts, adding a whole new level of weird to the proceedings. The baby likes the sound of Bella's voice. It's not exactly the most exciting thought, but still: that's something, right?
Next thing they know, the baby is sending out happy thoughts into the world, and Bella is calling it EJ. Remember, she's absolutely sure it's a boy! Edward Jacob is a very nice, very creepy name. I know that if I had a boy, I'd want it to have the middle name of the other guy she was in love with as a constant reminder. Oh, and just in case it's a girl, it'll have an even better name: Renesmee. you see, Renee, plus Esme...yeah. Get used to it.
And then Edward realizes the baby loves its mommy, and Jacob realizes he's really, really outnumbered now, because there's no way Edward will be anti-baby now that he's sort of having conversations with it. And holy crap, does that hurt Jacob that he has to be alone, the only one suffering in a sea of happy sparkly people.
Edward does the only thing he can think of when he sees how Jacob feels: he gives him a set of keys to one of their very fancy sports cars. Jacob's emotions may be coming apart at the seams, but at least he can go zoom zoom in the meantime!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Chapter Fifteen: This chapter is awful and boring.
You know what the name of this chapter is? Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock. No, really, that's what Meyer came up with. And it's strangely appropriate; all anyone is doing in this chapter is counting time, and boy, does it move slowly. I'm really not even sure what to write about, but here goes my best shot.
Seems like Leah is blending in okay with the new pack, other than her distaste for the vampires. Jacob even ate some of Esme's food, but she wouldn't touch it. Instead, she hunted for elk, even though she's not a big fan of eating in wolf-form.
Jacob's starting to think he should suggest a new plan to the Cullens: take the Bella and run. Not only would it be safer for them, but it would be less painful for Jacob if she weren't nearby. But Seth's already asked about that, and it seems that between the medical access Carlisle has in Forks and the danger in moving Bella, moving doesn't seem prudent.
Seth gives the reader a full report on Bella's current condition. It's what some writers call "exposition," and what other, more clever writers would call "something that should be done with a lot more subtlety." The mutant baby has broken another rib, but overall she's doing better; after all, even human non-freak babies have been known to break a rib or two. Bella is running a low grade fever though, which is a minor concern.
Turns out that Bella's actually talking to her parents on the phone once in a while now that she's feeling better. Jacob (and apparently, Edward), don't like this. If Bella's likely to die, they shouldn't be giving her parents false hope. I mean, how dare she want to talk to her parents while she still can? As usual, Edward and Jacob just want to tell her what's best for her, and Bella has the nerve to have her own wants and opinions.
Jacob decides to head back to Cullen Manor so that he can warm Bella as needed. Not that he was jealous of the job Seth was doing, or anything, of course. He's just being helpful. And torturing himself, but mostly helpful. Most of the vampires are actually glad to see Jacob again; it seems as though they've grown accustomed to having a werewolf around. But nobody is happier than Bella, who has both a friend and a space heater she can confide in.
Since Jacob needs food to like, live and stuff, Alice suggests that Rosalie round up a meal for him. Edward promises to tell Jacob if Rosalie poisons it. She doesn't, but she does bend a bowl into the shape of a dog dish with the name Fido on it. Vampires are really, really mature. But the food is apparently good, and Jacob is -- much to his chagrin -- getting used to the vampire stink.
The next piece of business is when exactly Bella's going to give birth to the hellish creature inside her. There's no real due date, considering the freakish nature of this pregnancy, but Carlisle's best estimates give Bella about four more days. We're almost to something happening! Meanwhile, Jacob notices that Bella's pull on him has been getting stronger and stronger as she gets more and more pregnant. It's almost like there's a gravitational pull, and not the kind related to a fat/pregnancy joke. Something creating a strong, gravity-like attachment in a werewolf? Now where have we heard that phrase before...
Jacob wonders why Bella wants him around so much, considering Seth can do the heating job and actually enjoys being around the Cullens. Bella says that Jacob's like a part of her family, so having him around makes things whole. Jacob says this is a crap answer, and "I get a kick out of your pain" would be a better way for her to answer. Werewolves are dumb.
Bella gets some sleep, which gives Jacob and Edward a chance to chat again. As expected, Edward isn't down with the whole "giving Charlie hope" plan. But Bella is, and they're not about to upset the pregnant lady at a time like this. Here's how she sees it: yes, she's not going to live as a human, but she'll probably survive as a sparklepire. Then, she can see Charlie after the one-year uncontrollable killing machine period is up, stalling through the use of telephone calls for the time being until she's sure she probably won't eat him.
Oh, but the plan gets better. Obviously, Charlie will figure out something's different with his daughter when her eyes are turning dark every couple of weeks, and her skin is rock hard, and she's never aging or anything. But even though she can't tell him the truth, she's banking on him coming to his own, incorrect conclusion, which would both keep him safe and allow her to see her dad whenever she wants.
Now here's the thing. That's a crazy plan, right? One that would never work? Well, don't worry, because they don't use that plan later on. No, what ends up happening is crazier by at least two orders of magnitude. But we'll cross that sparkly bridge when we get to it.
Next question: what do they do when Bella's ready to give birth? It seems that Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett have been doing research on that topic. From the myths and legends they've uncovered, it sounds like the devil spawn will chew its way out of the womb. Mmm, delightful! Rosalie isn't convinced that these myths are even real, but if they are, she makes a decent point: they're way better set up to deliver the baby and save Bella than any of the women in these legends, what with a vampire doctor and a house full of caretakers. Actually, Rosalie seems possibly more interested in saving the baby than in Bella, which upsets Edward, so Jacob does the smart thing -- he throws his dog bowl into the back of Rosalie's head, getting food in her hair. Oh yes, these people are ready to help raise a child!
Carlisle has some other speculations to make, too. Jacob and the baby have some similarities: the accelerated growth, the fact that Alice can't see them, the way they're both really dragging the plot down right now. It makes him wonder if they're genetically similar too -- perhaps both having 24 chromosomal pairs. I'm not geneticist, but I know that makes no sense whatsoever! Clearly though, it makes sense to Stephenie Meyer. After all, if Bella has 23, and Edward 25, they can just split the difference, right?
But while the vampires have a completely unscientific genetics discussion, Jacob does his own figuring. Here are the facts of the matter: the evil monster inside of Bella is protected by something hard like vampire skin. Rosalie says they have a plan to deliver the baby safely. The myths say that the babies eat their way out of the womb. And not many things can cut through vampire skin...
Except for werewolf teeth. Or vampire teeth. So how do they plan to get the baby out?
Oh.
OH!
Well, this should be fun.
Seems like Leah is blending in okay with the new pack, other than her distaste for the vampires. Jacob even ate some of Esme's food, but she wouldn't touch it. Instead, she hunted for elk, even though she's not a big fan of eating in wolf-form.
Jacob's starting to think he should suggest a new plan to the Cullens: take the Bella and run. Not only would it be safer for them, but it would be less painful for Jacob if she weren't nearby. But Seth's already asked about that, and it seems that between the medical access Carlisle has in Forks and the danger in moving Bella, moving doesn't seem prudent.
Seth gives the reader a full report on Bella's current condition. It's what some writers call "exposition," and what other, more clever writers would call "something that should be done with a lot more subtlety." The mutant baby has broken another rib, but overall she's doing better; after all, even human non-freak babies have been known to break a rib or two. Bella is running a low grade fever though, which is a minor concern.
Turns out that Bella's actually talking to her parents on the phone once in a while now that she's feeling better. Jacob (and apparently, Edward), don't like this. If Bella's likely to die, they shouldn't be giving her parents false hope. I mean, how dare she want to talk to her parents while she still can? As usual, Edward and Jacob just want to tell her what's best for her, and Bella has the nerve to have her own wants and opinions.
Jacob decides to head back to Cullen Manor so that he can warm Bella as needed. Not that he was jealous of the job Seth was doing, or anything, of course. He's just being helpful. And torturing himself, but mostly helpful. Most of the vampires are actually glad to see Jacob again; it seems as though they've grown accustomed to having a werewolf around. But nobody is happier than Bella, who has both a friend and a space heater she can confide in.
Since Jacob needs food to like, live and stuff, Alice suggests that Rosalie round up a meal for him. Edward promises to tell Jacob if Rosalie poisons it. She doesn't, but she does bend a bowl into the shape of a dog dish with the name Fido on it. Vampires are really, really mature. But the food is apparently good, and Jacob is -- much to his chagrin -- getting used to the vampire stink.
The next piece of business is when exactly Bella's going to give birth to the hellish creature inside her. There's no real due date, considering the freakish nature of this pregnancy, but Carlisle's best estimates give Bella about four more days. We're almost to something happening! Meanwhile, Jacob notices that Bella's pull on him has been getting stronger and stronger as she gets more and more pregnant. It's almost like there's a gravitational pull, and not the kind related to a fat/pregnancy joke. Something creating a strong, gravity-like attachment in a werewolf? Now where have we heard that phrase before...
Jacob wonders why Bella wants him around so much, considering Seth can do the heating job and actually enjoys being around the Cullens. Bella says that Jacob's like a part of her family, so having him around makes things whole. Jacob says this is a crap answer, and "I get a kick out of your pain" would be a better way for her to answer. Werewolves are dumb.
Bella gets some sleep, which gives Jacob and Edward a chance to chat again. As expected, Edward isn't down with the whole "giving Charlie hope" plan. But Bella is, and they're not about to upset the pregnant lady at a time like this. Here's how she sees it: yes, she's not going to live as a human, but she'll probably survive as a sparklepire. Then, she can see Charlie after the one-year uncontrollable killing machine period is up, stalling through the use of telephone calls for the time being until she's sure she probably won't eat him.
Oh, but the plan gets better. Obviously, Charlie will figure out something's different with his daughter when her eyes are turning dark every couple of weeks, and her skin is rock hard, and she's never aging or anything. But even though she can't tell him the truth, she's banking on him coming to his own, incorrect conclusion, which would both keep him safe and allow her to see her dad whenever she wants.
Now here's the thing. That's a crazy plan, right? One that would never work? Well, don't worry, because they don't use that plan later on. No, what ends up happening is crazier by at least two orders of magnitude. But we'll cross that sparkly bridge when we get to it.
Next question: what do they do when Bella's ready to give birth? It seems that Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett have been doing research on that topic. From the myths and legends they've uncovered, it sounds like the devil spawn will chew its way out of the womb. Mmm, delightful! Rosalie isn't convinced that these myths are even real, but if they are, she makes a decent point: they're way better set up to deliver the baby and save Bella than any of the women in these legends, what with a vampire doctor and a house full of caretakers. Actually, Rosalie seems possibly more interested in saving the baby than in Bella, which upsets Edward, so Jacob does the smart thing -- he throws his dog bowl into the back of Rosalie's head, getting food in her hair. Oh yes, these people are ready to help raise a child!
Carlisle has some other speculations to make, too. Jacob and the baby have some similarities: the accelerated growth, the fact that Alice can't see them, the way they're both really dragging the plot down right now. It makes him wonder if they're genetically similar too -- perhaps both having 24 chromosomal pairs. I'm not geneticist, but I know that makes no sense whatsoever! Clearly though, it makes sense to Stephenie Meyer. After all, if Bella has 23, and Edward 25, they can just split the difference, right?
But while the vampires have a completely unscientific genetics discussion, Jacob does his own figuring. Here are the facts of the matter: the evil monster inside of Bella is protected by something hard like vampire skin. Rosalie says they have a plan to deliver the baby safely. The myths say that the babies eat their way out of the womb. And not many things can cut through vampire skin...
Except for werewolf teeth. Or vampire teeth. So how do they plan to get the baby out?
Oh.
OH!
Well, this should be fun.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Chapter Fourteen: Vampire Hospitality
It seems the Cullens feel they owe the werewolves a debt of gratitude, because they do all sorts of nice things for Jacob, Seth and Leah in this chapter. In fact, that's pretty much all that happens.
WHY WON'T YOU END, JACOB SECTION OF THIS BOOK? ARGH!
Ahem. So, we start with Edward laying out some new clothes for Jacob, who tore up the last of his phasing during the previous chapter. For the moment, there's a sense of normality; Bella is full of energy/human blood, and the vampires are milling about instead of looking entirely morose. Bella looks really, really happy to see Jacob, which pisses him off. She's married, how could she possibly be happy to see him, too? Doesn't she know how much he wants to completely stay away from his best friend and never see her again? What nerve she has.
In other news, Edward can hear Jacob from farther away now (he's getting used to reading his mind), and Jacob enjoys making blond jokes at Rosalie's expense. I imagine that Stephenie Meyer literally typed "blond jokes" into Google and picked out a few to use for this "subplot."
Jacob really, really wants to go to sleep, but Edward has one last thing to ask him about. It seems that Esme's motherly instinct has set in, and that she feels really bad about Jacob's mini-pack being essentially homeless. She wants them to have all the comforts of home -- the human food they keep around, smelly vampire clothes, or anything else they need. Jacob isn't sure the wolves will really want to take the vampire hand-me-downs, but he politely says thanks for the offer, and prepares to finally, FINALLY go to sleep.
And then they hear Bella make a painful moan, and it's back in the house for our supernatural heroes. Seems that the little baby inside of Bella has gotten stronger along with her, and that it's kicking -- hard enough to break a rib. Bella needs to go take an X-ray, leaving Jacob downstairs, where he meets up with Alice. At that point, he notices that Alice hasn't been around Bella at all, which is strange, considering they're vffs and all.
Turns out that Alice hasn't been hanging around Bella because she has a headache. In a strange way, I can see the Bella/Alice shipper crowd seeing this as innuendo, but in reality, it's the fetus. Something about it doesn't let Alice get a good view on it or Bella, and even when she tries really hard to concentrate, she can only see a few minutes out. Jacob is actually a bit of a relief for Alice; since she can't see anything to do with him anyway, it lets her clear her head for a bit and relax. He's like her very own ibuprofen!
Jacob finally gets to sleep, for about half a page. He wakes up, only to smell lots of food. Human food! Human breakfast foods, which are, in general, the most delicious of all foods. Esme is serving breakfast, which Seth -- who came to check on Jacob -- is partaking in with much enthusiasm. Turns out Edward is quite the chef! Seth's also been keeping Bella warm, which Jacob is totally not at all in any way jealous, because she doesn't belong to him, and he is NOT JEALOUS, OKAY?
Turns out Jacob slept all night and into the next morning, which is why everyone's enjoying their meal together. Even Bella is having an omelet, albeit with a blood chaser. Seth tried to give food to Leah, but no matter how scrumptious it is -- and Seth assures us that it's really quite good -- Leah won't have any of it. Jacob seems a little reluctant too, but he's very, very hungry, so he'd have to be a real idiot not to give in soon. I mean, they have cinnamon rolls!
Jacob says he'll go hunting with Leah, which reminds Carlisle of some pressing business. It's about time for the Cullens to hunt, and he doesn't want to accidentally start a turf war with the La Pushers. So he asks Jacob for some insight into what Sam might be planning. After suggesting that the Cullens will probably be fine, but should go in the opposite direction of La Push just in case, the plan becomes to go in shifts of three, so that Bella isn't completely unguarded and the hunting party can defend itself, too. Alice can even tell which paths might be dangerous, since those ones will disappear as soon as werewolves become a possibility.
In the meantime, Esme has prepared even more food -- she's really getting into the worried mother thing with Jacob. She sends Jacob out with a platter of food, which he promises to take to Leah even though he actually plans to dump it under a tree somewhere. Really, Jacob? Can't even eat any food that's been in the same room as a vampire? Get over yourself!
Bella wants to know if Jacob will be coming back, but he doesn't make any promises. Esme makes him take some clothes -- freshly washed as to have as little vampire smell as possible on them -- to Leah. Feeling his guilt rise to critical levels, Jacob runs out of the house, right before Esme can tell him to bundle up before he catches a cold, or before Carlisle can remind him to call his grandmother.
Only four more first-wolf-perspective chapters to go. We can do this, guys!
WHY WON'T YOU END, JACOB SECTION OF THIS BOOK? ARGH!
Ahem. So, we start with Edward laying out some new clothes for Jacob, who tore up the last of his phasing during the previous chapter. For the moment, there's a sense of normality; Bella is full of energy/human blood, and the vampires are milling about instead of looking entirely morose. Bella looks really, really happy to see Jacob, which pisses him off. She's married, how could she possibly be happy to see him, too? Doesn't she know how much he wants to completely stay away from his best friend and never see her again? What nerve she has.
In other news, Edward can hear Jacob from farther away now (he's getting used to reading his mind), and Jacob enjoys making blond jokes at Rosalie's expense. I imagine that Stephenie Meyer literally typed "blond jokes" into Google and picked out a few to use for this "subplot."
Jacob really, really wants to go to sleep, but Edward has one last thing to ask him about. It seems that Esme's motherly instinct has set in, and that she feels really bad about Jacob's mini-pack being essentially homeless. She wants them to have all the comforts of home -- the human food they keep around, smelly vampire clothes, or anything else they need. Jacob isn't sure the wolves will really want to take the vampire hand-me-downs, but he politely says thanks for the offer, and prepares to finally, FINALLY go to sleep.
And then they hear Bella make a painful moan, and it's back in the house for our supernatural heroes. Seems that the little baby inside of Bella has gotten stronger along with her, and that it's kicking -- hard enough to break a rib. Bella needs to go take an X-ray, leaving Jacob downstairs, where he meets up with Alice. At that point, he notices that Alice hasn't been around Bella at all, which is strange, considering they're vffs and all.
Turns out that Alice hasn't been hanging around Bella because she has a headache. In a strange way, I can see the Bella/Alice shipper crowd seeing this as innuendo, but in reality, it's the fetus. Something about it doesn't let Alice get a good view on it or Bella, and even when she tries really hard to concentrate, she can only see a few minutes out. Jacob is actually a bit of a relief for Alice; since she can't see anything to do with him anyway, it lets her clear her head for a bit and relax. He's like her very own ibuprofen!
Jacob finally gets to sleep, for about half a page. He wakes up, only to smell lots of food. Human food! Human breakfast foods, which are, in general, the most delicious of all foods. Esme is serving breakfast, which Seth -- who came to check on Jacob -- is partaking in with much enthusiasm. Turns out Edward is quite the chef! Seth's also been keeping Bella warm, which Jacob is totally not at all in any way jealous, because she doesn't belong to him, and he is NOT JEALOUS, OKAY?
Turns out Jacob slept all night and into the next morning, which is why everyone's enjoying their meal together. Even Bella is having an omelet, albeit with a blood chaser. Seth tried to give food to Leah, but no matter how scrumptious it is -- and Seth assures us that it's really quite good -- Leah won't have any of it. Jacob seems a little reluctant too, but he's very, very hungry, so he'd have to be a real idiot not to give in soon. I mean, they have cinnamon rolls!
Jacob says he'll go hunting with Leah, which reminds Carlisle of some pressing business. It's about time for the Cullens to hunt, and he doesn't want to accidentally start a turf war with the La Pushers. So he asks Jacob for some insight into what Sam might be planning. After suggesting that the Cullens will probably be fine, but should go in the opposite direction of La Push just in case, the plan becomes to go in shifts of three, so that Bella isn't completely unguarded and the hunting party can defend itself, too. Alice can even tell which paths might be dangerous, since those ones will disappear as soon as werewolves become a possibility.
In the meantime, Esme has prepared even more food -- she's really getting into the worried mother thing with Jacob. She sends Jacob out with a platter of food, which he promises to take to Leah even though he actually plans to dump it under a tree somewhere. Really, Jacob? Can't even eat any food that's been in the same room as a vampire? Get over yourself!
Bella wants to know if Jacob will be coming back, but he doesn't make any promises. Esme makes him take some clothes -- freshly washed as to have as little vampire smell as possible on them -- to Leah. Feeling his guilt rise to critical levels, Jacob runs out of the house, right before Esme can tell him to bundle up before he catches a cold, or before Carlisle can remind him to call his grandmother.
Only four more first-wolf-perspective chapters to go. We can do this, guys!
Chapter Thirteen: I'll take a small blood, in a sippy cup.
The vampires have a lot of important philosophical debates about how Bella should be given some drinking blood. Should they warm it up? What color should the cup be? For something that could save her life, they're sure taking their time hammering out the details.
In the meantime, Jacob keeps Bella company. She's surprised to find that Leah is hanging out with Jacob now, since Leah has never been a fan of the vampires. Jacob doesn't tell her all the sordid details, but assures Bella that Leah probably won't come in and kill her in her sleep.
Finally, Bella gets her cup of blood, complete with a bendy straw! Everyone is concerned that she won't want to drink it, but she promises to try. She sniffs it and recoils...not because it smells bad, but because it smells good. Then she takes a sip and moans...because she's embarrassed that it tastes good, too. Bella wants to know if this will count against her record of drinking from humans; Edward says they'll have to consult the judges later.
Bella sucks down the whole cup, and it immediately makes her feel better, because that's just how blood works. She has more color, better breathing, more strength! With Bella on the mend, she decides she wants some eggs with her blood -- it's a traditional vampo-human delicacy.
Satisfied that Bella won't be dying in the next few minutes, Jacob wanders off to finally get some sleep. But no dice -- he hears Seth and Leah howling, and has to phase to have a wolf-chat with them. Seems that three other wolves are headed their way. They eventually realize that it's one wolf-person back in human form, along with three still being their wolfy selves. It doesn't seem like an attack, but they're probably not here to challenge the vampires to a game of baseball either.
Jared is the one in human form, while Quil, Paul and Collin stay back as wolves. It seems they all want Jacob to come back into the fold. They're even willing to slow down their "murdering Bella" plan. Instead, they'll just maaaaybe kill the baby if it's a threat. Maybe! Actually, a perceptive Leah thinks she knows the real plan: wait for Bella to die, then let a pissed off Jacob lead the attack. Sneaky!
There's a little aside here to talk about werewolf nudity. No, really. You see, it really wasn't a big deal for the pack when they were all boys. Slightly awkward and sometimes hilarious? Sure, but nothing they couldn't handle. Then Leah came along, and that made things weird. It was fun to watch her be all nude, of course, but less fun when she caught you thinking about it to the rest of the pack. Fun times!
In the end, Jacob explains his decision to the old pack: he's not just there to protect Bella anymore. He'll protect anyone that should be protected, and that includes some of the vampires, too. I mean, if they want to specifically kill Rosalie, that's negotiable. But Carlisle, no sir! Jared tries to guilt Seth and Leah to come back to the pack with the old "your mom is worried sick, especially with your father being dead and stuff" trick, but it doesn't work.
Then Jared really pulls out the big guns on Leah. He tells her that the pack wants her pack, and that Sam really, really wants her. He even uses Sam's old nickname for Leah, the very imaginative "Lee-Lee." But rather than getting Leah to feel sympathetic, it causes her to mentally throw a string of obscenities at Jared.
And at that point, Operation Win Back Some Wolves is at an end. Jared agrees to take a message back to Sam: leave the Cullens alone, and at least for the time being, stay in La Push so that there aren't any accidental brawls or disembowelings. Before they leave, Quil scampers up to say goodbye to Jacob, and the two of them basically make out (at least according to Leah) before the old pack wanders off.
In summary, the werewolf stuff has somehow managed to be even more boring than the vampire stuff or the Bella pregnancy. This book has definitely hit a low point -- will it recover?
Oh, yes, yes it will. In ways you can't possibly imagine.
In the meantime, Jacob keeps Bella company. She's surprised to find that Leah is hanging out with Jacob now, since Leah has never been a fan of the vampires. Jacob doesn't tell her all the sordid details, but assures Bella that Leah probably won't come in and kill her in her sleep.
Finally, Bella gets her cup of blood, complete with a bendy straw! Everyone is concerned that she won't want to drink it, but she promises to try. She sniffs it and recoils...not because it smells bad, but because it smells good. Then she takes a sip and moans...because she's embarrassed that it tastes good, too. Bella wants to know if this will count against her record of drinking from humans; Edward says they'll have to consult the judges later.
Bella sucks down the whole cup, and it immediately makes her feel better, because that's just how blood works. She has more color, better breathing, more strength! With Bella on the mend, she decides she wants some eggs with her blood -- it's a traditional vampo-human delicacy.
Satisfied that Bella won't be dying in the next few minutes, Jacob wanders off to finally get some sleep. But no dice -- he hears Seth and Leah howling, and has to phase to have a wolf-chat with them. Seems that three other wolves are headed their way. They eventually realize that it's one wolf-person back in human form, along with three still being their wolfy selves. It doesn't seem like an attack, but they're probably not here to challenge the vampires to a game of baseball either.
Jared is the one in human form, while Quil, Paul and Collin stay back as wolves. It seems they all want Jacob to come back into the fold. They're even willing to slow down their "murdering Bella" plan. Instead, they'll just maaaaybe kill the baby if it's a threat. Maybe! Actually, a perceptive Leah thinks she knows the real plan: wait for Bella to die, then let a pissed off Jacob lead the attack. Sneaky!
There's a little aside here to talk about werewolf nudity. No, really. You see, it really wasn't a big deal for the pack when they were all boys. Slightly awkward and sometimes hilarious? Sure, but nothing they couldn't handle. Then Leah came along, and that made things weird. It was fun to watch her be all nude, of course, but less fun when she caught you thinking about it to the rest of the pack. Fun times!
In the end, Jacob explains his decision to the old pack: he's not just there to protect Bella anymore. He'll protect anyone that should be protected, and that includes some of the vampires, too. I mean, if they want to specifically kill Rosalie, that's negotiable. But Carlisle, no sir! Jared tries to guilt Seth and Leah to come back to the pack with the old "your mom is worried sick, especially with your father being dead and stuff" trick, but it doesn't work.
Then Jared really pulls out the big guns on Leah. He tells her that the pack wants her pack, and that Sam really, really wants her. He even uses Sam's old nickname for Leah, the very imaginative "Lee-Lee." But rather than getting Leah to feel sympathetic, it causes her to mentally throw a string of obscenities at Jared.
And at that point, Operation Win Back Some Wolves is at an end. Jared agrees to take a message back to Sam: leave the Cullens alone, and at least for the time being, stay in La Push so that there aren't any accidental brawls or disembowelings. Before they leave, Quil scampers up to say goodbye to Jacob, and the two of them basically make out (at least according to Leah) before the old pack wanders off.
In summary, the werewolf stuff has somehow managed to be even more boring than the vampire stuff or the Bella pregnancy. This book has definitely hit a low point -- will it recover?
Oh, yes, yes it will. In ways you can't possibly imagine.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Chapter Twelve: Werewolf Soap Opera Theatre
At the beginning of the chapter, Leah shows up. Jacob doesn't really want her around, but she sees it as a better alternative than staying in the other pack with the whole Leah-Sam-Emily drama. Jacob reluctantly lets her hang around with them.
There, I just summarized almost ten pages of damned werewolf drama. My god, that was a hell of a way to get back into reading this thing. Maybe the rest of the chapter will be better?
Jacob goes back to Cullen Manor to check on Bella. Carlisle says it's just more of the same -- she's preggers with a mutant baby, nothing new. He's also very grateful towards Jacob for not letting his whole family get killed, which is one of those things that has the tendency to slip under the cracks.
Jacob asks an obvious question: if Bella is like a daughter to Carlisle, why is he letting her die? Carlisle responds with a little spiel about free will, and how it would be wrong to force her to be sensible. In any case, Dr. Sparklepire gives her a 50/50 shot at surviving in sparkle-form at the end of all of this; vampire venom is basically magic, but how does magic stack up against half-vampire superbabies? Don't worry, we'll find out soon.
The biggest problem right now is that both Bella and the fetus are starving. Bella's body is rejecting everything they can give her, and Carlisle can't figure out what exactly it is that her pregnant body wants. Keep in mind that all of the following are facts (in terms of this series of trashy novels), and see if you can figure out what Bella's fetus wants, and if it's conceivable that Carlisle hasn't figured it out yet:
Jacob thinks that he knows what the baby wants: blood. Well, duh. Edward overhears his thoughts, and finally connects the dots. Everyone agrees: it's time to get Bella to drink some human blood! Of course, Bella, who should probably be disgusted by this, pretty much shrugs. She's almost dead anyway, so why not do something that might make the baby happy? And it's Type O Negative, which everyone knows is the best gateway blood.
We don't actually get to see Bella try the blood in this chapter. I mean, reread this summary. Would you want to pack any more excitement into this chapter? We need some downtime first. Can't give it all away at once -- crafty, Meyer. Maybe something will happen in the next chapter, but I wouldn't hold my breath (though I would hold it while drinking blood, as a rule).
There, I just summarized almost ten pages of damned werewolf drama. My god, that was a hell of a way to get back into reading this thing. Maybe the rest of the chapter will be better?
Jacob goes back to Cullen Manor to check on Bella. Carlisle says it's just more of the same -- she's preggers with a mutant baby, nothing new. He's also very grateful towards Jacob for not letting his whole family get killed, which is one of those things that has the tendency to slip under the cracks.
Jacob asks an obvious question: if Bella is like a daughter to Carlisle, why is he letting her die? Carlisle responds with a little spiel about free will, and how it would be wrong to force her to be sensible. In any case, Dr. Sparklepire gives her a 50/50 shot at surviving in sparkle-form at the end of all of this; vampire venom is basically magic, but how does magic stack up against half-vampire superbabies? Don't worry, we'll find out soon.
The biggest problem right now is that both Bella and the fetus are starving. Bella's body is rejecting everything they can give her, and Carlisle can't figure out what exactly it is that her pregnant body wants. Keep in mind that all of the following are facts (in terms of this series of trashy novels), and see if you can figure out what Bella's fetus wants, and if it's conceivable that Carlisle hasn't figured it out yet:
- Bella's baby is a half-vampire.
- Vampires want only one thing ever.
- Carlisle and all the other Cullens are supposedly super-geniuses, with brains that move at incredible speed.
Jacob thinks that he knows what the baby wants: blood. Well, duh. Edward overhears his thoughts, and finally connects the dots. Everyone agrees: it's time to get Bella to drink some human blood! Of course, Bella, who should probably be disgusted by this, pretty much shrugs. She's almost dead anyway, so why not do something that might make the baby happy? And it's Type O Negative, which everyone knows is the best gateway blood.
We don't actually get to see Bella try the blood in this chapter. I mean, reread this summary. Would you want to pack any more excitement into this chapter? We need some downtime first. Can't give it all away at once -- crafty, Meyer. Maybe something will happen in the next chapter, but I wouldn't hold my breath (though I would hold it while drinking blood, as a rule).
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I'm in Pain!
...and not the kind of pain you get from reading about sparklepires. No, I'm going through some dental issues, and that's made it hard to write here (or anywhere else in the last couple days, actually).
But I will be back! In fact, I'm going to try to finish Breaking Dawn in the next month, so that I don't have to suffer the embarrassment of going to the post office and mailing Breaking Dawn to France. Stay tuned for some rapid fire updates coming, starting sometime in the next few days!
But I will be back! In fact, I'm going to try to finish Breaking Dawn in the next month, so that I don't have to suffer the embarrassment of going to the post office and mailing Breaking Dawn to France. Stay tuned for some rapid fire updates coming, starting sometime in the next few days!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Chapter Eleven: There can be only one! Or two. Definitely not three.
Jacob really isn't taking to the whole "kill Bella and her devil spawn" plan. Everyone else in the pack (sans Seth, who has a hero worship thing going on with Edward) is getting pumped up for gametime, but Jacob continues to struggle against Sam's commands.
You see, nobody can dispute the Alpha's commands. But then a thought occurs to Jacob: hey, wait, wasn't he basically the Alpha by birthright? He chose not to take the position, but it was totally his if he wanted it. Screw you Sam!
And just like that, the chain of command is broken, and Jacob doesn't need to listen to Sam anymore. Sam is in shock, and wants to know why Jacob would chooseevil morally ambiguous sparklepires over his good morally ambiguous pack family. Sam and Jacob have a quick little Q+A session for the benefit of the reading audience.
Q: You want to fight me, Jacob?
A: No, not really.
Q: Are you planning on taking the pack over in some other manner?
A: Nope.
Q: Are you breaking the pack into two? You are tearing me apart, Jacob!
A: Nah, just going my own way. You're still Alpha of everyone else.
Q: Well, Jacob, thanks for your time. I hope to have you back on the show soon!
A: The pleasure was all mine, Sam!
Basically, Jacob doesn't think anyone should be killing innocent people, even if they're innocent sparkly undead people. So he runs off to warn Edward psychically before the pack can get there.
But there's a new hitch! It turns out that someone else is following behind him, wanting to be a member of the Team Jacob pack. It's everyone's favorite spunky little werewolf, Seth! Jacob is pretty pissed off to have someone tagging along with him, but Seth refuses to go back and kill Cullens with Sam's pack.
One thing both Jacob and Seth notice immediately is just how quiet it is in the new pack. It seems that different packs can't hear each other, which makes perfect sense -- but wasn't really something anyone ever had to worry about before. Jacob still wants Seth to go away, but concedes that this isn't really the time to be dealing with that issue. They need to warn Edward, and fast!
So the two of them start thinking thoughts like "we come in peace" and "the other wolves wanna come kick your ass," hoping he'll pick up on them. When they reach Cullen Manor, Edward is waiting outside with Emmett and Jasper, waiting for the details. They don't take kindly to hearing that the rest of the pack wants to kill Bella, so there's some snarling and growling and the like. Carlisle and Esme are out, meaning the Cullens are separated and extra vulnerable, which would be dangerous if there were any chance whatsoever of this coming to violence, which we know won't happen because we're reading a Stephenie Meyer book and Bella loves all of these people and would be sad if they fought, so they won't. Yeah, that was a run-on sentence, but I was justified.
I don't think you want to read about Seth and Jacob running around in circles for several pages, so we'll skip that. Guess what? The pack doesn't show up to attack, at least not yet. Eventually, Jacob peaks inside and sees that Bella is pretty much in full-on hospital mode, complete with all the scary monitors and beeping things and IV tubes and such. Jacob makes the very astute observation that Bella is probably doing worse.
It would be very brave of Meyer to kill off her main character during childbirth, so I wouldn't be worried Jacob: it's safe to assume she won't, and that everything will turn out just okay. Relax and enjoy the ride!
You see, nobody can dispute the Alpha's commands. But then a thought occurs to Jacob: hey, wait, wasn't he basically the Alpha by birthright? He chose not to take the position, but it was totally his if he wanted it. Screw you Sam!
And just like that, the chain of command is broken, and Jacob doesn't need to listen to Sam anymore. Sam is in shock, and wants to know why Jacob would choose
Q: You want to fight me, Jacob?
A: No, not really.
Q: Are you planning on taking the pack over in some other manner?
A: Nope.
Q: Are you breaking the pack into two? You are tearing me apart, Jacob!
A: Nah, just going my own way. You're still Alpha of everyone else.
Q: Well, Jacob, thanks for your time. I hope to have you back on the show soon!
A: The pleasure was all mine, Sam!
Basically, Jacob doesn't think anyone should be killing innocent people, even if they're innocent sparkly undead people. So he runs off to warn Edward psychically before the pack can get there.
But there's a new hitch! It turns out that someone else is following behind him, wanting to be a member of the Team Jacob pack. It's everyone's favorite spunky little werewolf, Seth! Jacob is pretty pissed off to have someone tagging along with him, but Seth refuses to go back and kill Cullens with Sam's pack.
One thing both Jacob and Seth notice immediately is just how quiet it is in the new pack. It seems that different packs can't hear each other, which makes perfect sense -- but wasn't really something anyone ever had to worry about before. Jacob still wants Seth to go away, but concedes that this isn't really the time to be dealing with that issue. They need to warn Edward, and fast!
So the two of them start thinking thoughts like "we come in peace" and "the other wolves wanna come kick your ass," hoping he'll pick up on them. When they reach Cullen Manor, Edward is waiting outside with Emmett and Jasper, waiting for the details. They don't take kindly to hearing that the rest of the pack wants to kill Bella, so there's some snarling and growling and the like. Carlisle and Esme are out, meaning the Cullens are separated and extra vulnerable, which would be dangerous if there were any chance whatsoever of this coming to violence, which we know won't happen because we're reading a Stephenie Meyer book and Bella loves all of these people and would be sad if they fought, so they won't. Yeah, that was a run-on sentence, but I was justified.
I don't think you want to read about Seth and Jacob running around in circles for several pages, so we'll skip that. Guess what? The pack doesn't show up to attack, at least not yet. Eventually, Jacob peaks inside and sees that Bella is pretty much in full-on hospital mode, complete with all the scary monitors and beeping things and IV tubes and such. Jacob makes the very astute observation that Bella is probably doing worse.
It would be very brave of Meyer to kill off her main character during childbirth, so I wouldn't be worried Jacob: it's safe to assume she won't, and that everything will turn out just okay. Relax and enjoy the ride!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Chapter Ten: Yes, Jacob, you are an idiot.
Jacob declares himself an idiot in the chapter title. Who am I to disagree?
So, Jacob finds himself in a situation so ridiculous that, to him, it feels like he's in a really bad sitcom. No, Jacob, you're in a really bad book! It's completely different, because you're not on TV. He rejects the idea of asking Bella for occasional procreational sex, and instead simply tries to get her to see reason...even though he knows she won't listen to him.
Edward gets Rosalie to agree to leave the room so that Jacob and Bella can have some private time. Jacob starts off on the right foot by telling the pregnant woman that she looks hideous. Sadly, this is about the high point of his diplomatic prowess. Jacob gives Bella an "I told you so," and Bella responds with a line that she (and therefore, Stephenie Meyer) blatantly steals from The Simpsons.
Jacob admits that he knows he really can't win this argument, but that doesn't mean he can't get angry about it! But Bella really thinks things will turn out okay, because of magic. No, I'm not simplifying the argument she gave or saying it's the equivalent of magic; she literally says she believes in magic and that it'll all work out because werewolves and vampires exist. The end. Conversely, Jacob repeatedly tells Bella that she's going to die a gruesome, horrible death, all for nothing. Jacob isn't really known for his bedside manner, but this is even worse than usual.
On the other hand, Bella has a plan. Just keep her heart beating, and then get all sparkly at the last possible moment. It's pretty much a tradition in the Cullen family, and she wants to take part just like everyone else did. But Jacob is afraid she'll wait until it's too late, and wants her to listen to the family doctor rather than bring her horrific mutant baby into the world. Bella won't have any of it though; even though the ultrasound won't work on her crazy vampire fetus, she's convinced she has a bouncing baby boy inside of her just waiting to come out and NOT kill her.
They argue for a few pages, and honestly, it's really repetitive. Guess what? Bella wants to keep baby and hope she won't die! Jacob wants Bella to live and not keep baby! Who knew?
Getting nowhere, Jacob decides to audible back to the play Edward wanted to call in the first place. He brings up the point that Bella could later have another baby that wouldn't kill her so much. Bella is almost perceptive, but as usual, doesn't quite get there: she figures out that this came from Edward, but thinks the alternative under discussion is artificial insemination.
Eventually though, Jacob gets the point across without resorting to actually telling Bella what he means. And, as is par for the course in Twilight, Bella doesn't freak out even though she'd clearly have every right to do so. Instead, she finds the whole idea of having Jacob impregnate her for her own good sort of sweet. Wow, both Edward and Jacob would really do anything for her! Including sharing her on alternate nights so that she can have protected vampire sex, and wild unprotected procreational werewolf sex! Everyone loves her, literally!
But this perfect arrangement won't work, because Bella can't hurt the little baby inside of her, which she's absolutely sure must be a boy. Apparently, this is the last straw for Jacob for no particular reason, because he proceeds to leave after telling Bella that he only stopped by to make sure she was alive, and that he's not going to hang around and watch her freak-baby kill her. Part of Jacob tries to get him to stay -- you see, she's a girl, and he kind of likes her and stuff -- but he pulls himself away and leaves without speaking to any of the vampires.
Phasing back into his wolf form, Jacob is immediately greeted by the rest of the La Push pack. All of whom can see his thoughts. And he can see all of their reactions to learning about the mutant monster growing inside Bella. To quote the book:
But Jacob isn't so keen to kill Bella and the beast. Sam commands that everyone fall in line on the plan to kill a human (remember when they were against that?) and fighting the Cullens (and that, too?), including Jacob, who they need if they want to succeed. Jacob says no, but he's not the Alpha, so he pretty much can't fight back. He, with his friends Quil and Embry, have the biggest job -- fighting Jasper and Emmett. Finally, it's time for some good old werewolf vs. vampire violence!
And if you believe that's going to happen, you really haven't been paying attention.
So, Jacob finds himself in a situation so ridiculous that, to him, it feels like he's in a really bad sitcom. No, Jacob, you're in a really bad book! It's completely different, because you're not on TV. He rejects the idea of asking Bella for occasional procreational sex, and instead simply tries to get her to see reason...even though he knows she won't listen to him.
Edward gets Rosalie to agree to leave the room so that Jacob and Bella can have some private time. Jacob starts off on the right foot by telling the pregnant woman that she looks hideous. Sadly, this is about the high point of his diplomatic prowess. Jacob gives Bella an "I told you so," and Bella responds with a line that she (and therefore, Stephenie Meyer) blatantly steals from The Simpsons.
Jacob admits that he knows he really can't win this argument, but that doesn't mean he can't get angry about it! But Bella really thinks things will turn out okay, because of magic. No, I'm not simplifying the argument she gave or saying it's the equivalent of magic; she literally says she believes in magic and that it'll all work out because werewolves and vampires exist. The end. Conversely, Jacob repeatedly tells Bella that she's going to die a gruesome, horrible death, all for nothing. Jacob isn't really known for his bedside manner, but this is even worse than usual.
On the other hand, Bella has a plan. Just keep her heart beating, and then get all sparkly at the last possible moment. It's pretty much a tradition in the Cullen family, and she wants to take part just like everyone else did. But Jacob is afraid she'll wait until it's too late, and wants her to listen to the family doctor rather than bring her horrific mutant baby into the world. Bella won't have any of it though; even though the ultrasound won't work on her crazy vampire fetus, she's convinced she has a bouncing baby boy inside of her just waiting to come out and NOT kill her.
They argue for a few pages, and honestly, it's really repetitive. Guess what? Bella wants to keep baby and hope she won't die! Jacob wants Bella to live and not keep baby! Who knew?
Getting nowhere, Jacob decides to audible back to the play Edward wanted to call in the first place. He brings up the point that Bella could later have another baby that wouldn't kill her so much. Bella is almost perceptive, but as usual, doesn't quite get there: she figures out that this came from Edward, but thinks the alternative under discussion is artificial insemination.
Eventually though, Jacob gets the point across without resorting to actually telling Bella what he means. And, as is par for the course in Twilight, Bella doesn't freak out even though she'd clearly have every right to do so. Instead, she finds the whole idea of having Jacob impregnate her for her own good sort of sweet. Wow, both Edward and Jacob would really do anything for her! Including sharing her on alternate nights so that she can have protected vampire sex, and wild unprotected procreational werewolf sex! Everyone loves her, literally!
But this perfect arrangement won't work, because Bella can't hurt the little baby inside of her, which she's absolutely sure must be a boy. Apparently, this is the last straw for Jacob for no particular reason, because he proceeds to leave after telling Bella that he only stopped by to make sure she was alive, and that he's not going to hang around and watch her freak-baby kill her. Part of Jacob tries to get him to stay -- you see, she's a girl, and he kind of likes her and stuff -- but he pulls himself away and leaves without speaking to any of the vampires.
Phasing back into his wolf form, Jacob is immediately greeted by the rest of the La Push pack. All of whom can see his thoughts. And he can see all of their reactions to learning about the mutant monster growing inside Bella. To quote the book:
So, remember how the pack was so lenient when it came to the actual letter of the treaty, with Bella being bitten of her own free will? Well, throw that precedent out the window, because now the pack wants to kill the baby, even though I'm 100% sure "weird-ass mutant half-vampire babies" weren't covered under the terms of their agreement with the Cullens. But screw that, let's go kill us a baby!
!!!!
But Jacob isn't so keen to kill Bella and the beast. Sam commands that everyone fall in line on the plan to kill a human (remember when they were against that?) and fighting the Cullens (and that, too?), including Jacob, who they need if they want to succeed. Jacob says no, but he's not the Alpha, so he pretty much can't fight back. He, with his friends Quil and Embry, have the biggest job -- fighting Jasper and Emmett. Finally, it's time for some good old werewolf vs. vampire violence!
And if you believe that's going to happen, you really haven't been paying attention.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Chapter Nine: Wait, did he really just say that?
Okay, there's quite a bit going on in this chapter, but we're going to race past all the boring crap to get to the good stuff.
First, Jacob says goodbye to his dad. Billy doesn't want him to try to fight the Cullens like an idiot. Jacob insists on instead being an idiot.
Next, Jacob takes his motorcycle and drives over to Cullen Manor. He gets to the door, where he's met by Carlisle. This is annoying for Jacob, because Carlisle is the one he likes best, since he's so human-ish and a doctor and all that. Dr. Sparkles doesn't think Jacob should come in, but Bella insists.
Jacob enters the house, and sees Edward in agony, and knows something's up with Bella. Then he looks at Bella, and she looks very sick, which makes him think that maybe that "story" going around about her isn't a story at all. But nothing makes sense -- Rosalie seems to be protective of Bella, who in turn is comforting Edward.
At this point, Bella shares her baby bump, which has grown to epic proportions. Even an idiot like Jacob quickly figures out that she's much too pregnant, and that there must be some sort of crazy monster inside of her.
The moment he thinks that, he also thinks that he wants to kill Edward, which makes Edward ask Jacob to take it outside. Oh yeah...it's brawl time!
No, wait: it's quiet discussion time. Again. Sigh. So anyway, Jacob demands to know what happened, and Edward explains without too much fuss. Yes, the mutant baby is killing Bella. Edward and Carlisle wanted to get rid of it, but Bella wouldn't let them do it. You see, no Mormon author's transparent Mary Sue would ever abort a baby, even if it's killing her and a doctor advises her that it's the only way to save her life. Vampire life begins at venomous conception!!
Edward is kind of upset that Jacob figured this out in a second, while it took Edward like a day to put this mysterious puzzle of "she wants to keep the baby" together. Remember how those vampire minds were supposed to be like magic supercomputers that figured everything out instantly? I guess Edward's was too busy downloading porn.
Anyway, Jacob points out that Edward and Carlisle could have easily forced Bella to do what they wanted to, and those evil, evil men would have too, if it weren't for Rosalie, who became Bella's bodyguard. Then Emmett and Esme both took her side, turning the whole thing into a big mess where Edward and Carlisle just didn't want to bother anymore.
Jacob is mad at Edward, but his defense is that they didn't know Bella could get pregnant. Oh, of course they've heard of using humans for sex, but nobody ever taught Edward about safe undead sex. This is the problem with abstinence-only sex education, people.
Edward wants Jacob to do something for him, or at least for Bella. Jacob's relationship with Bella is on a different level than Edward's in some ways, so he thinks maybe Jacob can get through to her and make her give up the death baby. But Jacob points out the obvious: Bella already knows that she's probably going to die, and that's not enough to persuade her.
Oh, but Edward has other ideas. Sick, twisted ideas. He's willing to let Bella have as many happy, healthy babies as she wants.
With Jacob.
Digest that for a moment, please.
Oh, and add in this: Edward is okay with either giving her up for her to live out her life with Jacob, OR SEEING IF BELLA DOESN'T MIND BEING SHARED.
So now you say you're full, and you can digest no more? No, I insist, have desert!
You see, Jacob thinks this is disgusting, and that Bella would never go for it. It's sick and twisted and horrible. But it's also really, really tempting for him.
Oh, sorry, I made you throw up, didn't I? Don't worry, that's just your body protecting itself.
Jacob does try his best to say no over and over again, but Edward wants him to at least try. That's how important Bella's life is to him -- it's way more important than letting Bella be herself and make her own decisions! But Edward doesn't see how it would hurt to at least try, while Jacob keeps pointing out that this is UTTERLY INSANE AND THAT BELLA WOULD NEVER GO FOR IT and how he'd kind of like to borrow her for the weekends to use for sex BUT NO, WRONG!
Jacob decides that maybe just killing Edward is for the best after all. Edward doesn't mind all that much, but asks that Jacob wait a while, since it probably wouldn't go over well for Bella in her current state of ridiculous pregnancy. So in the end, Jacob decides that, reluctantly, he and Edward have a deal: he'll try to see if Bella will allow him to have her part time for procreation.
I'm sure this will end well.*
*Not sarcastic -- remember, this is Breaking Dawn!
First, Jacob says goodbye to his dad. Billy doesn't want him to try to fight the Cullens like an idiot. Jacob insists on instead being an idiot.
Next, Jacob takes his motorcycle and drives over to Cullen Manor. He gets to the door, where he's met by Carlisle. This is annoying for Jacob, because Carlisle is the one he likes best, since he's so human-ish and a doctor and all that. Dr. Sparkles doesn't think Jacob should come in, but Bella insists.
Jacob enters the house, and sees Edward in agony, and knows something's up with Bella. Then he looks at Bella, and she looks very sick, which makes him think that maybe that "story" going around about her isn't a story at all. But nothing makes sense -- Rosalie seems to be protective of Bella, who in turn is comforting Edward.
At this point, Bella shares her baby bump, which has grown to epic proportions. Even an idiot like Jacob quickly figures out that she's much too pregnant, and that there must be some sort of crazy monster inside of her.
The moment he thinks that, he also thinks that he wants to kill Edward, which makes Edward ask Jacob to take it outside. Oh yeah...it's brawl time!
No, wait: it's quiet discussion time. Again. Sigh. So anyway, Jacob demands to know what happened, and Edward explains without too much fuss. Yes, the mutant baby is killing Bella. Edward and Carlisle wanted to get rid of it, but Bella wouldn't let them do it. You see, no Mormon author's transparent Mary Sue would ever abort a baby, even if it's killing her and a doctor advises her that it's the only way to save her life. Vampire life begins at venomous conception!!
Edward is kind of upset that Jacob figured this out in a second, while it took Edward like a day to put this mysterious puzzle of "she wants to keep the baby" together. Remember how those vampire minds were supposed to be like magic supercomputers that figured everything out instantly? I guess Edward's was too busy downloading porn.
Anyway, Jacob points out that Edward and Carlisle could have easily forced Bella to do what they wanted to, and those evil, evil men would have too, if it weren't for Rosalie, who became Bella's bodyguard. Then Emmett and Esme both took her side, turning the whole thing into a big mess where Edward and Carlisle just didn't want to bother anymore.
Jacob is mad at Edward, but his defense is that they didn't know Bella could get pregnant. Oh, of course they've heard of using humans for sex, but nobody ever taught Edward about safe undead sex. This is the problem with abstinence-only sex education, people.
Edward wants Jacob to do something for him, or at least for Bella. Jacob's relationship with Bella is on a different level than Edward's in some ways, so he thinks maybe Jacob can get through to her and make her give up the death baby. But Jacob points out the obvious: Bella already knows that she's probably going to die, and that's not enough to persuade her.
Oh, but Edward has other ideas. Sick, twisted ideas. He's willing to let Bella have as many happy, healthy babies as she wants.
With Jacob.
Digest that for a moment, please.
Oh, and add in this: Edward is okay with either giving her up for her to live out her life with Jacob, OR SEEING IF BELLA DOESN'T MIND BEING SHARED.
So now you say you're full, and you can digest no more? No, I insist, have desert!
You see, Jacob thinks this is disgusting, and that Bella would never go for it. It's sick and twisted and horrible. But it's also really, really tempting for him.
Oh, sorry, I made you throw up, didn't I? Don't worry, that's just your body protecting itself.
Jacob does try his best to say no over and over again, but Edward wants him to at least try. That's how important Bella's life is to him -- it's way more important than letting Bella be herself and make her own decisions! But Edward doesn't see how it would hurt to at least try, while Jacob keeps pointing out that this is UTTERLY INSANE AND THAT BELLA WOULD NEVER GO FOR IT and how he'd kind of like to borrow her for the weekends to use for sex BUT NO, WRONG!
Jacob decides that maybe just killing Edward is for the best after all. Edward doesn't mind all that much, but asks that Jacob wait a while, since it probably wouldn't go over well for Bella in her current state of ridiculous pregnancy. So in the end, Jacob decides that, reluctantly, he and Edward have a deal: he'll try to see if Bella will allow him to have her part time for procreation.
I'm sure this will end well.*
*Not sarcastic -- remember, this is Breaking Dawn!
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