Chapter Fifteen: This chapter is awful and boring.

You know what the name of this chapter is? Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock. No, really, that's what Meyer came up with. And it's strangely appropriate; all anyone is doing in this chapter is counting time, and boy, does it move slowly. I'm really not even sure what to write about, but here goes my best shot.

Seems like Leah is blending in okay with the new pack, other than her distaste for the vampires. Jacob even ate some of Esme's food, but she wouldn't touch it. Instead, she hunted for elk, even though she's not a big fan of eating in wolf-form.

Jacob's starting to think he should suggest a new plan to the Cullens: take the Bella and run. Not only would it be safer for them, but it would be less painful for Jacob if she weren't nearby. But Seth's already asked about that, and it seems that between the medical access Carlisle has in Forks and the danger in moving Bella, moving doesn't seem prudent.

Seth gives the reader a full report on Bella's current condition. It's what some writers call "exposition," and what other, more clever writers would call "something that should be done with a lot more subtlety." The mutant baby has broken another rib, but overall she's doing better; after all, even human non-freak babies have been known to break a rib or two. Bella is running a low grade fever though, which is a minor concern.

Turns out that Bella's actually talking to her parents on the phone once in a while now that she's feeling better. Jacob (and apparently, Edward), don't like this. If Bella's likely to die, they shouldn't be giving her parents false hope. I mean, how dare she want to talk to her parents while she still can? As usual, Edward and Jacob just want to tell her what's best for her, and Bella has the nerve to have her own wants and opinions.

Jacob decides to head back to Cullen Manor so that he can warm Bella as needed. Not that he was jealous of the job Seth was doing, or anything, of course. He's just being helpful. And torturing himself, but mostly helpful. Most of the vampires are actually glad to see Jacob again; it seems as though they've grown accustomed to having a werewolf around. But nobody is happier than Bella, who has both a friend and a space heater she can confide in.

Since Jacob needs food to like, live and stuff, Alice suggests that Rosalie round up a meal for him. Edward promises to tell Jacob if Rosalie poisons it. She doesn't, but she does bend a bowl into the shape of a dog dish with the name Fido on it. Vampires are really, really mature. But the food is apparently good, and Jacob is -- much to his chagrin -- getting used to the vampire stink.

The next piece of business is when exactly Bella's going to give birth to the hellish creature inside her. There's no real due date, considering the freakish nature of this pregnancy, but Carlisle's best estimates give Bella about four more days. We're almost to something happening! Meanwhile, Jacob notices that Bella's pull on him has been getting stronger and stronger as she gets more and more pregnant. It's almost like there's a gravitational pull, and not the kind related to a fat/pregnancy joke. Something creating a strong, gravity-like attachment in a werewolf? Now where have we heard that phrase before...

Jacob wonders why Bella wants him around so much, considering Seth can do the heating job and actually enjoys being around the Cullens. Bella says that Jacob's like a part of her family, so having him around makes things whole. Jacob says this is a crap answer, and "I get a kick out of your pain" would be a better way for her to answer. Werewolves are dumb.

Bella gets some sleep, which gives Jacob and Edward a chance to chat again. As expected, Edward isn't down with the whole "giving Charlie hope" plan. But Bella is, and they're not about to upset the pregnant lady at a time like this. Here's how she sees it: yes, she's not going to live as a human, but she'll probably survive as a sparklepire. Then, she can see Charlie after the one-year uncontrollable killing machine period is up, stalling through the use of telephone calls for the time being until she's sure she probably won't eat him.

Oh, but the plan gets better. Obviously, Charlie will figure out something's different with his daughter when her eyes are turning dark every couple of weeks, and her skin is rock hard, and she's never aging or anything. But even though she can't tell him the truth, she's banking on him coming to his own, incorrect conclusion, which would both keep him safe and allow her to see her dad whenever she wants.

Now here's the thing. That's a crazy plan, right? One that would never work? Well, don't worry, because they don't use that plan later on. No, what ends up happening is crazier by at least two orders of magnitude. But we'll cross that sparkly bridge when we get to it.

Next question: what do they do when Bella's ready to give birth? It seems that Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett have been doing research on that topic. From the myths and legends they've uncovered, it sounds like the devil spawn will chew its way out of the womb. Mmm, delightful! Rosalie isn't convinced that these myths are even real, but if they are, she makes a decent point: they're way better set up to deliver the baby and save Bella than any of the women in these legends, what with a vampire doctor and a house full of caretakers. Actually, Rosalie seems possibly more interested in saving the baby than in Bella, which upsets Edward, so Jacob does the smart thing -- he throws his dog bowl into the back of Rosalie's head, getting food in her hair. Oh yes, these people are ready to help raise a child!

Carlisle has some other speculations to make, too. Jacob and the baby have some similarities: the accelerated growth, the fact that Alice can't see them, the way they're both really dragging the plot down right now. It makes him wonder if they're genetically similar too -- perhaps both having 24 chromosomal pairs. I'm not geneticist, but I know that makes no sense whatsoever! Clearly though, it makes sense to Stephenie Meyer. After all, if Bella has 23, and Edward 25, they can just split the difference, right?

But while the vampires have a completely unscientific genetics discussion, Jacob does his own figuring. Here are the facts of the matter: the evil monster inside of Bella is protected by something hard like vampire skin. Rosalie says they have a plan to deliver the baby safely. The myths say that the babies eat their way out of the womb. And not many things can cut through vampire skin...

Except for werewolf teeth. Or vampire teeth. So how do they plan to get the baby out?

Oh.

OH!

Well, this should be fun.