Chapter Sixteen: Werewoman problems.

Leah and Jacob go run one last patrol just to make sure it's safe for the sparkly ones to go hunting today. With no scent of the La Push wolves, they seem to be in the clear. Even better for Leah, she's officially become less annoying to Jacob than Paul was. Good job, kid!

Leah's pretty hungry, so Jacob suggests they hunt. Leah hates eating that way, but Jacob tries to remind her that it's just what wolves do, and it's pretty natural. Of course, when you've spend the first 16 or however many years of your life eating things that have come out of a microwave, you have to question just how natural it is to eat wolf style. In any case, it's not that she won't do it, it's just not very fun.

In with all the hunting conversation, Leah admits that Jacob is a good Alpha, and that she wants to stay with him. And, as it turns out, Seth does too. They're a lot happier with Jacob than they ever were with Sam. Jacob's not sure how he feels about all this; being Alpha wasn't really something he was considering taking on as a full-time job. He's more of a freelance middle-management werewolf. But he says he'll at least consider it.

Anyway, Jacob and Leah take down some deer and have a little feast. Jacob lets his brain go as wolfy as possible, which in turn infects Leah's brain, making it easier for her to eat raw venison. When mealtime is over, Leah and Jacob decide it's time to have a nice intimate chat.

You see, Jacob thinks that maybe Leah shouldn't stick around. Should she really have to listen to Jacob whine about Bella in his head all day long? But from Leah's perspective, it's easier to listen to that then be in her own head, whining about Sam all day long. It's not quite as bad for Leah, because she sees how happy Sam is, and if you really love someone, that does a lot to make things easier. But she can at least understand where Jacob is coming from.

Then things get a little weirder. Leah says she can see where Rosalie is coming from. That's enough to piss Jacob off, but she wants to explain. See, Rosalie is a genetic dead end, unable to have kids. Leah kind of thinks she's the same way. The pack never wanted to listen to her "woman problems," as my mom might put it, but being a werewolf hasn't been easy on her. In the first month, she thought she was pregnant, but it quickly became apparent that she wasn't going to be having a period or a baby. No, her body pretty much stopped -- just like it did for the guys, but a little more traumatically. As she puts it, she's 20 years old and menopausal.

This is possibly the conversation that Jacob has least wanted to have in his entire life. Nonetheless, he attempts to be helpful, saying that it's likely that when she stops being a wolf, she'll go back to having her normal womanly cycles. Leah's not so convinced, especially since she hasn't imprinted yet. And every cool werewolf is doing that these days, so there must be something wrong with her if she hasn't, right? Oh, sorry Jacob, forgot you were here too.

After Jacob gets over the awkwardness of all this, Leah steers the conversation back to Rosalie. She thinks that what Rosalie wants, more than anything, is what she can't have -- a child. That's why she's so driven to protect the baby (and to a lesser, sort of tangential extent, Bella). And it's not like Rosalie is killing Bella, that's just a side effect! She's just more than happy to do anything Bella wants to give her the chance to have what Rosalie never can. Aww.

Anyway, Jacob thinks this is a load of crap, and leaves Leah behind to go back to Cullen Manor and hang out with people who see things more his way. He runs into Alice right away, who is definitely on Team Hate-the-Baby. She reports that the baby might have broken Bella's pelvis now. How pleasant! Just then, it turns out that there wasn't actually any breaking involved, which leads to Rosalie gloating a little bit. Alice speculates that Edward is going to tear Rosalie apart; Jacob offers to help if Alice is in too.

Jacob suggests that it's safe to hunt, even if they leave fewer people behind to guard Bella, and Carlisle defers to his advice. Jacob also tells a blond joke that Rosalie hasn't heard before. Success!

So it's just Jacob, Edward, Bella and Rosalie hanging around the house, having fun times. Jacob settles down to sleep, but as usual, weird shit starts happening, meaning he can't go to bed quite yet.

Edward hears a voice that nobody else can. Come on, Meyer, it's a little late to be introducing ghosts into the story! But no, it's not a ghost...it's the baby. Edward can now hear the baby's thoughts, adding a whole new level of weird to the proceedings. The baby likes the sound of Bella's voice. It's not exactly the most exciting thought, but still: that's something, right?

Next thing they know, the baby is sending out happy thoughts into the world, and Bella is calling it EJ. Remember, she's absolutely sure it's a boy! Edward Jacob is a very nice, very creepy name. I know that if I had a boy, I'd want it to have the middle name of the other guy she was in love with as a constant reminder. Oh, and just in case it's a girl, it'll have an even better name: Renesmee. you see, Renee, plus Esme...yeah. Get used to it.

And then Edward realizes the baby loves its mommy, and Jacob realizes he's really, really outnumbered now, because there's no way Edward will be anti-baby now that he's sort of having conversations with it. And holy crap, does that hurt Jacob that he has to be alone, the only one suffering in a sea of happy sparkly people.

Edward does the only thing he can think of when he sees how Jacob feels: he gives him a set of keys to one of their very fancy sports cars. Jacob's emotions may be coming apart at the seams, but at least he can go zoom zoom in the meantime!