Chapter Thirty-nine: I am so done.

Let's end this book, once and for all! I am so, so done with Twilight.

Turns out that it was Bella that really decided matters. Of course it was! And as the visitors all leave, Edward says that the Volturi won't be bothering anyone for a while, though they'll probably come back someday. Hello there, sequel bait!

Anyway, everyone leaves. Edward tells more about just how scared the Volturi were, how Bella would have made them fight at a disadvantage since she was just that amazingly powerful and sparkly. Apparently, the wolves did their part too, since Caius is terrified of actual werewolves, so seeing 16 of them in a gigantic organized pack was a bit much, even if they were technically shapeshifters.

Oh, so remember how nobody in the novels ever brought up the fact that the Quileute werewolves were actually shapeshifters, but that there were real werewolves in Europe and Asia? You'd think that would have been thrown in the books at some point if it weren't something that Meyer came up with at the last minute. But it's okay, because Edward has a great explanation for this:

"It never came up."

Sigh.

Alice explains her ridiculous plan to Bella, and that she couldn't tell Bella everything because she's not a good liar and wouldn't be able to hide it from everyone else. Wait, you mean Bella's not perfect??

It comes up that Nessie will be fully grown in about six and a half years, and that Jacob might have some competition in the form of Nahuel, the half-vampire boy from South America. You know, because Renesmee is literally the only non-relative female of his kind he's ever seen. There is a sad bit here, where Edward explains that seeing him and Bella and Renesmee as a happy family makes Nahuel more hopeful, because until then, he thought he was an evil creature just because he killed his own mother.

Bella remarks that the day belongs to happiness. She pays lip service to Irina's death, but then hand waves it away, much like the audience has at this point. Everyone can be happy now, yay!

Bella and Edward head back to their cottage, where Edward says it's time for the traditional, celebratory post-battle sex. But Bella actually says no for the first time in her life. Instead, she plays with her shield and lets Edward enter...her head. Mentally. It's the first time ever, and she's saved up all her super special memories just for this moment. It might be touching, if I cared. It'll probably work well with some sappy music as the last scene in the movie.

And the worst series of books I've ever read ends with Bella and Edward arguing over who loves each other more, and then deciding that they'll have forever together. The freaking end.

I'll be back with a recap soon, but for now, thank the sparkle-gods that I'm done with this torture. I've read everything Twilight had to offer, and I've survived. Free at last!

...what do you mean there's a new book about that vampire girl from Eclipse that surrendered to the Cullens?

...wait, there's a half-finished retelling of Twilight from Edward's perspective, too?

DAMN IT.