Chapter Thirty-eight: Guess what? Everyone's okay.

Alright, so the Volturi start mentally attacking the Cullen Crew, ready to try to take them down for whatever reason they come up with in the next couple minutes. But who could have guessed it -- Bella's power stops every single one of their attacks! It's a sparklepire miracle! Actually, I'm surprised she even notices the slightest discomfort (and really, that's all she does feel) from their attacks, since she couldn't even tell they were trying to do anything when she was a wimpy human. Alec throws his numbness gift at them, and that fails too, although its a bit reminiscent of Novocain.

So, as the Cullen allies start imagining which of the Volturi they'd most like to kill now that they have the upper hand, Aro says that it's time for them to vote on how to proceed, and pretends that nothing is wrong, reminding everyone that violence doesn't solve anything. Of course, he's still looking for a way to win this battle without killing Edward and Bella, since they'd be very useful; Bella is happy in some sort of masochistic way, since she realizes that the Volturi can't win unless they do kill her. Haha, she wins?

So, it comes to a vote. Caius votes to kill Renesmee. Marcus votes to leave the poor mutant alone. It all comes down to Aro...

But wait! Edward senses something exciting! First, he forces Aro to clarify that if they were 100% certain that Renesmee wouldn't be a threat to their secrecy, they'd let her live, which Aro agrees to. Oh, you tricky sparklepire, Edward!

It turns out that Renesmee is rare, but not unique! And he knows that, because...Alice is back! Alice is so back, that -- not a joke -- six consecutive words in the narrative, and five consecutive words of dialog are nothing but repetitions of the word "Alice." Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice!

Anyway, I'm going to go through this way more quickly than the book does. Alice found some vampires down in South America. One of them had a sister who was once in Bella's pregnant with a mutant situation, only she died during childbirth. The baby then turned its aunt into a vampire. They lived together, the baby reaching maturity seven years later. He's now 150 years old, his name is Nahuel, and he's here today to set the record straight.

Turns out Nahuel has some sisters too, all thanks to his dad, Joham, who sees himself as some sort of mad vampire scientist creating a super-race! Good times. He even has his own daughter, who is not venomous.

So, Aro considers this, and votes not to kill Renesmee, but instead to visit Joham and probably kill him instead. It's a sort of consolation prize, but it'll have to do. The Volturi turn to leave, Carlisle reminds them that they probably shouldn't hunt in the area, since the Cullens would like to remain anonymous, and everyone is friends again. Or not, but they at least say they are.

And then everyone cheers. It doesn't really seem like a "cheering" moment to me; more like a "phew, we just barely got out of that one" moment, really. But hey, I wasn't there, they can celebrate not getting killed however they like. Everyone kisses and they all get to live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, there's still one more chapter. JUST END, YOU STUPID SERIES!