Chapter Twenty-two: Bella, Jacob, and the baby they loved.

Bella's little girl is uniquely special, probably one-of-a-kind in a very perfect sort of way. She has vampire hard skin, but has blood and a pumping heart. She can eat food, but prefers the sweet taste of human blood that goes down smooth and isn't filling. Renesmee is also very intelligent, and though she doesn't speak yet, it's probably only a matter of time. She has her own way of communicating; it seems she has the opposite gift of Edward, being able to give her thoughts to others. She basically, she's the least baby-like baby ever, and is way easier to deal with than, you know, an actual baby.

Bella's still wondering why Jacob's sticking around. Isn't he feeling tortured over how badly Bella broke his heart? Edward doesn't seem to feel so bad about Jacob anymore, but refuses to tell Bella why. The communication in this relationship is about as good as on Lost, where the communication between...well, pick any two characters, and about as much relevant information was exchanged there as between Mr. and Mrs. Cullen.

But those questions can be answered later. For now, Bella just wants to get home to see Renesmee. She races Edward home, but the Tour de Forks is cut short when three werewolves, one of whom is in a very human Jacob form, block their way. It seems that Jacob wants to test Bella before she gets to see Renesmee. Now, why would Jacob be so protective? Hmm...

Jacob is surprised how Bella-like Bella still is, so it seems all anxieties about sparkle-Bella have passed. He offers himself up as a test; if Bella can breathe him in and not try to go for the kill, then she can see her daughter. The result: now that Bella's a vampire, Jacob smells pretty bad, and she doesn't want to eat him. Well, not much; that pumping heart is tempting, but overall, he's more like a fast-food mountain lion than a filet human.

Having passed, everyone gives Bella permission to see her daughter. She's only two days old, but she's already looks all of several weeks; apparently, Bella won't have to change diapers for very long, which is perfect, since that would get in the way of all her lovely wish fulfillment. Some of the vampires are still nervous; when Bella so much as takes a step towards Renesmee, the entire room panics. I mean, why would a mother want to see her baby unless she was ready to take a bite?

Edward tries to calm the room by pointing out that Bella caught the scent of some hikers while they were out hunting. This makes the entire clan flip out, because apparently, being a vampire means you can't wait to hear the end of a sentence to get the entire story. Everyone is shocked -- shocked, I say! -- to find out that Bella did not, in fact, eat the hikers. Eventually, they will understand that she's the greatest sparklepire of all time, but for now, each new ability of hers is a little jolting.

Finally, after some more angst from the family, Bella is allowed to hold Renesmee. She gets her first feel for her child's creepy ability by seeing Renesmee's memory of her, back when she was giving birth and covered in blood. Pleasant!

After a little mommy-baby time, Jacob starts getting antsy. He doesn't want Bella to push her luck, which finally gets Bella to ask some questions. What the hell is up with Jacob? Why does he care so much? Why does everyone else act like he's got some horrible secret to hide from her? And why does he stare at Renesmee like she's the most important thing in her life?

Wait a minute...

Yeah, Bella pretty much flips out now. Jacob tries to explain that it's not really something he can control, but the thought of Jacob being in love with her two-day old baby is just a little too much trouble. He tries to point out that it's not like he wants to sleep with her (yet), so there's nothing disgusting about it at all (not true, Jacob, not true). And he even explains that the pull he and Bella felt for each other while she was pregnant was caused entirely by the connection between Renesmee and him.

All of that's not enough to make Bella happy about things, but it's at least seemed to stop her from wanting to kill Jacob. She still encourages him to run before she snaps, but Jacob, as always, decides that he needs to throw in one thing too many. In this case, he uses the nickname he's given her baby: Nessie. Like the Loch Ness Monster.

And then Bella tries to kill him. Come on, Bella, Nessie is like 10 times better than Renesmee any day. You should be thanking Jacob for showing such initiative! On the other hand, the ensuing violence might be exciting.

Spoiler: it's not.