Chapter Twenty-five: Yes, this was a realistic course of action.

It's been a week since my last update. Sorry! I should be able to be more timely again now.

Anyway, Edward is able to get Bella's mind off of their endless vampire sex marathon simply by uttering their daughter's name. Which is Renesmee, in case you had forgotten. I think we can all imagine how jarring hearing that come out of anyone's mouth would be, so I can completely buy it as a legitimate tactic.

Bella goes to get dressed, and finds that Alice has left her with far, far too many clothes to choose from. Oh, what a hard life it is for vampire Bella! Edward helps smell her some good clothes (no, really, he does), and they head back to the main house to check on their mutant daughter.

She's still growing, of course, but it seems to be slowing down a little. Renesmee is becoming slightly more like a normal child, and less like a baby, which is still happening way too fast considering she's something like five days old at this point. She's happy to see mom, as is the rest of the family, since Renesmee's main way of passing the time seems to be mangling spoons. This kid is going to be totally well-adjusted.

Emmett and Rosalie make lots of jokes about all the vampire sex Edward and Bella must be having. Haha, it's funny because I'm supposed to be reading this when I'm like 14 and sexual innuendo is taboo! Wait, I'm 29? Damn it, now it's just unfunny and forced. They also talk about how the whole family should get started packing for New Hampshire; it's a convenient place to move, because Bella's already signed up for school there anyway, and she seems to be handling things rather well, so she probably won't eat her classmates. Well, maybe that one kid in her introductory writing class. You know the one.

So anyway, Jacob and the wolves are gone for the day, and nobody knows why. Alice is also confused, because she can't see what's going to happen all day -- as she puts it (and this is kind of clever), he's erased her entire schedule! Also, she's pissed that Bella went for the least outlandish outfit possible, instead of one of the other 3,000 outfits that were prepared for her. Oh, Alice...

But Edward finds Jacob's thoughts, and sees what Jacob has done. Jacob talked to Charlie, and now he thinks Charlie is going to follow him to Cullen Manor. Oops? So Jacob gets there with the rest of his mini-pack, and the vampires just look at him in silence. Jakie, you got some 'splainin' to do!

He confirms that he's told Charlie, but seems happy about it. You see, what he did was...

Okay, first, let me just say this: in a way, this might be the single most ridiculous thing that has happened in this book series about sparkling vampires gods and their Native American shapeshifting werewolf buddies. It's not that anything ridiculously supernatural happens; in fact, what Jacob did (for the most part) is just a pretty standard interaction between two characters. No, it's the way things work out that's entirely impossible to fathom. I mean, we know nothing can possibly go wrong for Bella, but even if that's the rule, you'd think Meyer would at least make the other characters ensure her eternal happiness in ways I could swallow.

Anyway, back to Jacob. He left, because he was tired of hearing about how Bella was going to be moving cross-country. He couldn't take it, so he came up with a brilliant plan. Everyone is pissed that he told Charlie, since he now will either die when the Volturi learn that he's in the know, or they'll have to make him a vampire too.

But Jacob is one step ahead of them. Here's what he did: he showed up at Charlie's house, and then without a single word, phased into his werewolf form right in front of Charlie.

That was pretty much the whole plan. When he phases back, he tells Charlie that there are things in this world that he doesn't understand and can't know about. Bella is better, but she had to change a bit in order to make it through her illness. He starts to explain to Charlie about werewolves, at least, and he doesn't even want to know. To boot, he doesn't even want to know about Bella!

That's right: after seeing his daughter's best friend turn into a wolf in front of him, he's not going to ask any questions, and actually wants to know as little as possible about what's going on with Bella. Wow, that's exactly the perfect result for Bella! And exactly the opposite of what you'd expect from a father who has been hounding the Cullens for information on his daughter for weeks, and is a police chief with an inclination for solving things. This is probably the least likely response Charlie could have had, but since it makes life perfecter for Bella, it's the one he has. Everyone wins!

Bella isn't immediately thrilled with Jacob's actions, but she does sort of appreciate it, especially when she hears how excited Charlie is about being a grandpa. Which is something else that he doesn't want to know any details about, of course.

There is one potential pitfall: Bella still hasn't tested herself much around pure humans, so she could end up eating Charlie accidentally. Of course, she has the best self-control of any vampire ever, so everyone likes her odds, but it could happen. You hear that, readers? Believe it, it could happen!

It won't happen.

The Cullens give Bella some quick tips on acting like a human. Now, I can understand that it's hard once you get used to being a sparklepire to do things like not holding a position for too long, or accidentally moving too fast, or standing up for hours because it just doesn't bother you at all. But Bella's only a few days removed from being a human, shouldn't she be able to fake it pretty well? It's not a big deal, but "don't stare at things for too long" is the kind of thing I'd think Bella could handle without being told.

Before they know it, Charlie's there, and after a quick talk to Renesmee to make sure she doesn't accidentally bite her grandfather, Bella is ready to attempt to not eat dad. Bella tries to keep all her concentration on this goal, but the prospect of more vampire sex with Edward distracts her momentarily (yes, this really happens) until Jasper reminds them that she really needs to stay focused.

Charlie arrives, and is kind of shocked to see what his daughter looks like now. Even though vampires can pass as human, it seems like they really can't pass as their human selves so well. It takes Charlie a minute to accept that it really is Bella.

Meanwhile, Bella quickly learns just how tempting human blood is, and only avoids not eating her dad because...well, it's her father, and she's in her house, not out in the woods hunting.

Charlie takes a look at his granddaughter, who is completely and entirely adopted, as far as he knows. That lasts for all of two minutes, when Charlie realizes that this adopted baby -- supposedly Edward's long lost niece -- bears a striking resemblance to Bella, too. For the first time, Charlie actually wants the truth about something! But Edward tells him it's more important for him to know the public story, and that ends that. Charlie decides he definitely doesn't need to know anything...just because he doesn't.

So, with all that taken care of, Emmett throws on some college football. Florida is playing against someone, and just scored, making it 7-0 Gators. Emmett makes a joke about how they're the only ones scoring around here, and with that, Charlie takes a seat on the couch to watch the game with his new family, completely satisfied with everything he's seen.

Yeah...things tend to work out like this for Bella. If you haven't gotten used to it yet, it's time to get started.