Chapter Twenty-three: Bella does stuff.

If you remember, Bella was ready to kill Jacob for calling her daughter Nessie. We pick things up now a few minutes later. It seems that Jacob wasn't even going to defend himself, but that Seth jumped in the way to protect him. He didn't attack Bella or anything, he just blocked threw himself in Bella's path and was rewarded with a broken shoulder and collarbone.

Edward apologizes, Bella apologizes, everyone is sorry! At least nobody was killed, so whoever had the under in the "how many people will Bella kill in her first year" bet is looking very good. Besides, werewolf magic means Seth will be back to normal in about a half-hour. Remember, if Bella does something wrong, there won't be any real consequences. It's a nice life.

There could have been issues, though, if Bella had actually bitten one of them. It seems that vampire venom is poisonous to the werewolves. But not Renesmee's, of course. She bites Jacob all the time! One wonders if this will keep up when Renesmee and Jacob's relationship changes after she grows up.

While Bella calms down -- Jacob and Rosalie won't let her see her daughter until they're sure she's 100% composed and not in a biting mood -- Bella thinks about everything she was told while Seth was being fixed up. In other words, it's time for some clumsy exposition! The big news is that there's no more feud with Sam's pack. The main force behind the new, binding treaty? Jacob's creepy infant imprinting on Renesmee. See, werewolf law #1 (which was never mentioned before) is that you can't kill someone that another wolf has imprinted upon, so nobody's going to go after Renesmee anymore. Jacob, the rightful super-Alpha, was okay with Bella's transformation, so Sam -- who I guess is now the Beta Alpha -- can't get mad about it. Oh, and conveniently enough, Alphas from different packs can talk to each other, even though packs have their own wireless wolf networks. They may not all be best friends anymore, but everyone is getting along just fine.

Then there's the Charlie issue. Nobody's sure what to do. Do they tell him that Bella's dead, and have a whole funeral deal? Let Charlie see Bella and make his own assumptions, thus technically not breaking vampire law? Trust me, if you haven't read these books, you'll never guess how this plays out. Seriously, try. Take a minute and come up with how you think they'll manage to make things okay for Charlie and Bella, and then come back with your answer. Sorry, wrong! I have no idea what your answer was, but seriously, I'm sure it's wrong.

Anyway, Bella moves on to thinking about Jacob and Renesmee and how that's going to suck for Jacob if the vampires have to move away for a while as part of the "Bella is dead" illusion. Like Jacob wouldn't just tag along anyway.

Now, it's time for the thrilling "measuring the baby" scene, which we can only hope will be faithfully reenacted in the film version. They measure Renesmee four times a day because she grows so fast; these exercises bore both Renesmee and the reader in equal measure. The girl is already nearly toddler-sized, which makes Bella and Edward wonder what they're going to do with her if she keeps aging so fast. But Jacob is less concerned; though Carlisle wants more data, the possessive werewolf is sure the rate of growth is slowing a little. If it'll make things easier on Bella, you can be sure it'll happen.

Bella hangs out with her daughter for a bit. Renesmee uses her ability to show mom all the boring shit she did today, like watching mommy freak out and almost break that poor werewolf's neck, Grandpa Vampire measuring her again, Rosalie doing her hair. She also shows Bella a memory of drinking blood, which doesn't cause Bella to flip out, much to everyone's surprise. Jasper is most upset at all; he's wondering if maybe anyone could avoid going crazy as a newborn if they're as focused as Bella.

Allow me to help you with this one, Jazz. If you were the main character, you'd be doing great, trust me! Sadly, you're just a secondary character, so you have to set the baseline that Bella gets to surpass by a mile. Sorry about that, but it's just the way it works. If there weren't average sparklepires, how could Bella ever truly be amazing?

Carlisle suspects that self-control could even be Bella's gift. At first, Bella thinks its a really lame power...mostly, because it is. But on second thought, it does mean that she can be a good vampire right away, instead of going through her year of wanting to kill all humans. Of course, there's still a question as to whether or not it's her gift, or just a byproduct of her preparation for being a vampire. You, dear reader, can probably figure out which by taking a guess as to how awesome Bella's power should be to be consistent with the rest of Vampire Bella's awesomeness, and whether or not "self-control" reaches that lofty height.

After an hour or so of storytelling time by Renesmee, she nods off. Bella picks up the baby's hand and puts it back on her own head on a hunch...and it works. She can now see all of Renesmee's dreams, most of which involve Bella or Jacob, with Edward and Rosalie fighting for third. At this rate, Renesmee's going to think Jacob is daddy, which could lead to some awkward times around the Cullen home.

Alice runs into the room with a brass key tied up in a big pink bow. It seems that the vampires are going to celebrate Bella's 19th birthday, even though she's not aging and is very particular about the fact that she's 18 forever. Bella protests, but Alice will have none of it. I wonder what wish that key is going to grant for Bella? We'll find out...but not until the next chapter.