In the past 36 hours, I've had to get five teeth removed, and read this chapter of Breaking Dawn so I could get on with writing this blog. One was an intensely painful and uncomfortable experience that couldn't end fast enough, while the other took place at the dentist's office.
*rimshot*
I know, it's the oldest joke in the book. But here's something that's not a joke: both were very, very uncomfortable. I'd still rather read this chapter again than go through the dental work, but it's closer than you'd think. On the bright side, it's a short 15-page chapter, so let's dive in!
The Cullens demand that they celebrate Bella's birthday, and they play along. Edward is going to give Bella her "after" car, though he's going to wait for the morning so that they can show Jacob, who will actually appreciate the awesomeness of his gift.
Alice is up next, ready to show Bella and Edward the gift from the rest of the family -- Esme most of all. Several family members make innuendo about how the new couple will enjoy their new gift alone, which is why only Alice is going with them. Oh boy.
Anyway, Alice leads them a bit away from the house into the woods...where Esme has built Bella and Edward a swank little cottage for them to live in. Awwwww. Alice stocked the gigantic closet as her special little extra for Bella, and then leaves her and Edward alone to enjoy the house.
Bella starts freaking out. Why didn't everyone come with them? She really likes the house, they all could have seen how happy she was! You see, Bella doesn't take a hint well. The fact that this leaves only her and Edward alone in their own house in the middle of the woods hasn't dawned on her quite yet. Once Edward points it out though, it's all she can think of.
Edward carries his bride over the threshold while she thinks about how every little tiny thing in her life is made of perfect sparkles of perfection. They take a quick tour of their fairy tale cottage, including Alice's closet, which is bigger than the master bedroom.
Oh, the bedroom...
...and thus begins the vampire sex romp. Clothes and fabrics are destroyed, they never make it to the bed, and they can finally go all-out since Edward is much less likely to kill Bella now. Bella's biggest concern? Since they'll never get tired, why would they ever stop?
Of course, Bella will never believe she's good enough for Edward. Actually, her problem is now that she thinks that the new, undead Bella might be missing something of the warm, live Bella which Edward was such a big fan of. Of course, Edward declares that she's even more perfectly amazing than she was as a human, so that leads to another couple hours of stony sex.
Now, Bella's big worry is that she'll never stop wanting to fuck all day, every day. Edward says that they'll get better at balancing their lives as time goes on, but it could take a few years. apparently, Rosalie and Emmett took about a decade! But eventually, it becomes easy; when you don't need to sleep, you have plenty of time to do everything you want as part of a well-balanced life.
Edward points this out by noting that he's the family's best musician, and that besides Carlisle, he's read the most books and learned the most stuff and can speak the most languages and so forth. Emmett thinks it's because he reads minds, but the truth is that Edward just had way less to do with his free time than everyone else who were busy in their respective bedrooms every night.
Yes, I think Edward just made a joke about the advantages of being a century-old virgin vampire. And that's the end of that chapter.*
*Except for the last sentence of the chapter, which implies they're about to have a lot more of the sex.
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