When we last left the baseball game, the Cullens were preparing for the arrival of a new group of vampires to bolster their roster. They badly needed a left-handed bat and a reliable middle reliever, so normally they'd welcome their undead friends with open arms.
Unfortunately, they had something of a Bella problem. She's so annoyingly human, and most vampires really enjoy a nice warm human snack during the 7th inning stretch. To them, it's just like buying some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. So when three vampires emerge from the forest, Edward is a little more concerned about Bella's safety than how these new players will affect his spot in the lineup.
Carlisle plays it cool. When the vampires introduce themselves as Laurent, Victoria and James, he responds by introducing the entire family together, including Bella. Laurent is interested in their permanent residence, and the vampires talk shop -- where they hunt, where the tastiest humans are in the Seattle outskirts, and so forth. Unaware of the human in their midst, the assorted vampires have a pleasant conversation, where Carlisle claims the game is over and instead invites the newcomers over to their house to hang out. It's all going according to plan...
...until the wind gusts up a little, and smelly old Bella's aroma fills the noses of every vampire in the Pacific Northwest. While Laurent is merely stunned that they'd hang out with this boring girl who trips over things all the time, James smells a challenge (and freesia). When Edward immediately takes a defensive posture, that seals the deal -- James, a natural tracker, is going to score him some Bella.
While Laurent takes the invitation to hang out at the Cullen household for a while, Edward, Alice and Emmett leave with Bella in the jeep. The rest of the chapter consists of the three Cullens and Bella yelling at each other a lot, fighting about how best to make sure Bella doesn't get eaten. James will likely track Bella no matter where she goes, so they need to be wily. Apparently, being a vampire and spending most of your life hiding your existence doesn't give you any insight on how to hide from other vampires, because they ultimately agree to Bella's plan.
In essence, here's her idea: she'll go home, cause a scene and tell Charlie that she's going back home to Phoenix immediately. Now here's the genius part: James will hear the plan that she's going to Phoenix! This means that Bella can choose to go anywhere else in the entire world -- he'll be stumped!
Wait, that's not right. Her plan is that he'll hear that she's going to Phoenix, and therefore assume that it's a ruse and that she's NOT going to Phoenix. Therefore, she'll be safe...in Phoenix. Because he'd never follow up on that lead, just in case. Brilliant, Bella. You make such good decisions. At least Bella will take some Cullen backup (Alice and Jasper), and Edward will stay in Forks to throw James off a bit. At some point, the Cullens will have to kill James -- it's the only way he'll stop.
So, we head back to Bella's house, ready to set the plan in motion. There's no action yet, but there's no way Meyer can write her way out of this jam without making something happen.
I hope.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Chapter 17: Ball in play, vampire(s) recorded.
Don't think about my title too much - it only makes sense if you're such a big baseball fan that you watch games online through the MLB website.
Bella and Edward return to her house, where they run into the Blacks. Billy wants to tell Charlie that his daughter is dating a vampire, but Bella somehow convinces him that it's none of his business. When Charlie gets home, Bella introduces Edward as her boyfriend, which Edward handles gracefully. For instance, he DOES laugh at Charlie's jokes, but he DOESN'T eat him. That boy has good vampire manners.
Blah, blah, blah. We know what we're here for in this chapter: VAMPIRE BASEBALL!
Bella is not such a big fan of baseball, but like many girlfriends, she's willing to suck it up and go out and support him while he's playing sports. Today's game is an intersquad matchup between members of the Cullen family, being played outside of Forks in a really, really big field. Why such a big field you ask? Because our super-vampires hit the ball very hard -- they need the thunderstorms to mask the sound of their swings -- and run very quickly. Here's the rundown of the team they'll be leaving spring training with this year:
Alice (Pitcher) - A wily veteran, she doesn't have overpowering stuff, but relies on her deceptive delivery to get batters out.
Emmett (Outfield) - Huge power bat, can hit the ball a few miles into the woods. Not great in the field; takes bad routes to the ball and often gives up an extra base.
Edward (Outfield) - Gold glove contender with huge range. Intelligent hitter who finds the gaps and runs the bases well. Godlike good looks will lead to massive endorsement deals (Bella made me write that part).
Jasper (Catcher) - Slap hitter with good hands behind the plate, and rare speed for a catcher -- he's been known to beat out an infield hit.
Rosalie (Outfield) - Speedy, sure handed outfielder with good baserunning instincts.
Carlisle (Infield) - Provides important veteran leadership to an otherwise young team, prone to eating the opposition at inappropriate times. Still has a lot of pop in the bat even this late in his career.
Overall, you have to like their chances. I'd think the Mariners would probably win a few more games if they were progressive enough to allow vampires to play. Couldn't Edward be the vampire Jackie Robinson?
That said, vampire baseball was a little disappointing, like most things that hold any promise in this book. They hit the ball and run around a bit, scoring runs back and forth...until Alice perks up. It seems there's a visiting team of vampires (see? PLOT!) who heard the crack of the bat and want to join in the fun. Really, that's what they're coming -- they'd like to play some baseball. It's a nice distraction from the constant human hunting.
Even if these vampires weren't friendly -- and I'm sure they're not -- the Cullens would be happy to let them join in the game on most days. Sports can build bridges and help people (or vampires) relate to one another, so a game might smooth over any potential tension between the two groups. But with Bella at the field, it's a recipe for all hell to break loose. These other vampires might be chagrined that a nice, yummy lavender scented snack will be right on the field, but they won't be allowed to have a bite.
The Cullens do what they can to make Bella less conspicuous, but she's really smelly, so there's no good way to hide her. It's too late to run, because the other vampires are only a couple minutes away, and even Edward will be slowed down a little with Bella on his back.
As the chapter ends, the Cullens hear the other vampires approaching. This is the perfect setup for a vampire showdown...but we're reading Twilight, so don't expect too much.
Bella and Edward return to her house, where they run into the Blacks. Billy wants to tell Charlie that his daughter is dating a vampire, but Bella somehow convinces him that it's none of his business. When Charlie gets home, Bella introduces Edward as her boyfriend, which Edward handles gracefully. For instance, he DOES laugh at Charlie's jokes, but he DOESN'T eat him. That boy has good vampire manners.
Blah, blah, blah. We know what we're here for in this chapter: VAMPIRE BASEBALL!
Bella is not such a big fan of baseball, but like many girlfriends, she's willing to suck it up and go out and support him while he's playing sports. Today's game is an intersquad matchup between members of the Cullen family, being played outside of Forks in a really, really big field. Why such a big field you ask? Because our super-vampires hit the ball very hard -- they need the thunderstorms to mask the sound of their swings -- and run very quickly. Here's the rundown of the team they'll be leaving spring training with this year:
Alice (Pitcher) - A wily veteran, she doesn't have overpowering stuff, but relies on her deceptive delivery to get batters out.
Emmett (Outfield) - Huge power bat, can hit the ball a few miles into the woods. Not great in the field; takes bad routes to the ball and often gives up an extra base.
Edward (Outfield) - Gold glove contender with huge range. Intelligent hitter who finds the gaps and runs the bases well. Godlike good looks will lead to massive endorsement deals (Bella made me write that part).
Jasper (Catcher) - Slap hitter with good hands behind the plate, and rare speed for a catcher -- he's been known to beat out an infield hit.
Rosalie (Outfield) - Speedy, sure handed outfielder with good baserunning instincts.
Carlisle (Infield) - Provides important veteran leadership to an otherwise young team, prone to eating the opposition at inappropriate times. Still has a lot of pop in the bat even this late in his career.
Overall, you have to like their chances. I'd think the Mariners would probably win a few more games if they were progressive enough to allow vampires to play. Couldn't Edward be the vampire Jackie Robinson?
That said, vampire baseball was a little disappointing, like most things that hold any promise in this book. They hit the ball and run around a bit, scoring runs back and forth...until Alice perks up. It seems there's a visiting team of vampires (see? PLOT!) who heard the crack of the bat and want to join in the fun. Really, that's what they're coming -- they'd like to play some baseball. It's a nice distraction from the constant human hunting.
Even if these vampires weren't friendly -- and I'm sure they're not -- the Cullens would be happy to let them join in the game on most days. Sports can build bridges and help people (or vampires) relate to one another, so a game might smooth over any potential tension between the two groups. But with Bella at the field, it's a recipe for all hell to break loose. These other vampires might be chagrined that a nice, yummy lavender scented snack will be right on the field, but they won't be allowed to have a bite.
The Cullens do what they can to make Bella less conspicuous, but she's really smelly, so there's no good way to hide her. It's too late to run, because the other vampires are only a couple minutes away, and even Edward will be slowed down a little with Bella on his back.
As the chapter ends, the Cullens hear the other vampires approaching. This is the perfect setup for a vampire showdown...but we're reading Twilight, so don't expect too much.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Chapters Fifteen and Sixteen: Meet the Cullens.
Ahh, Bella wakes up to find Edward stayed with her the whole night. Not in her bed, of course -- Edward is a gentleman vampire. He sat patiently in a rocking chair and waiting for her to wake up so he could make fun of her bed head.
On the agenda today: a visit to the Cullen household to meet Edward's family. I have to say, the preparations for this trip did lead to one of the funnier exchanges in the book so far. You see, Bella is scared of walking into a house of vampires, but not for the reasons you'd expect:
But before this exchange, we get yet another look into just how amazingly perfect and godlike Edward really is. On their way out of Bella's house, Edward gives her -- from Bella's own description, since this whole book is in the first person -- a relatively tame kiss.
Which causes Bella to faint, because he's JUST THAT GOOD.
Moving along...they manage to make it to Edward's house without Bella tripping over anything, and she finally gets to greet the Cullen clan. Carlisle, Esme, Alice and Jasper all greet her with open arms. None of them try to eat her or anything! Okay, Jasper has to be careful not to get too close -- he's new at this vampire thing, and nobody wants to risk an accidental mutilation. Rosalie and Emmett don't join in the party; presumably, they're not cool with inter-species relationships.
Edward plays the piano for Bella. Try to guess, on a scale from 1-10, how good he is! The correct answer is "godlike."
But then, something happens. Something I refused to believe was possible in this novel, something that could spin this book right on its head.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have the beginnings of a PLOT. It seems Alice has seen that some vampires -- the normal, human eating kind -- will be coming to town for a while in the near future. Meyer brushes over this, which I think is her way of trying to make it subtle, which means it's obviously going to be a major event before too long.
Bella gets the house tour. The Cullens live not too differently from most people, although not sleeping means there aren't many beds to be found. Edward's room has a lot of CDs. Okay.
We then spend a lot of time learning about Carlisle. It turns out that Carlisle is around 362 years old, born in London sometime in the 1640s. In his father's footsteps, he hunted for vampires and other evil creatures -- only, because he's a smart guy, he found some actual vampires. In one of the ensuing hunts, Carlisle was bitten, but the vampire ran from the rest of the angry mob before finishing him off.
He became a vampire, but one with a lot of angst. He didn't want to kill people, so when he figured out he could live on animals, he went on a no-human diet. He spent time in France, then in Italy hanging out with some really old vampires who made fun of him for being lame. They all got along well enough, but reading in between the lines, it sounds like Carlisle was like that kid who you let hang out with you in high school, but was the butt of all the jokes. After a couple decades of putting up with this, he struck out for the new world, found Edward a few centuries later, and that was that.
Okay, so that's all well and good, we all like a little backstory once in a while. But it's time for a little action. Alice informs the group that there's a storm coming in, and the thunder will allow them to play their favorite sport without anyone noticing. That's right: in our next installment, we'll be talking about VAMPIRE BASEBALL.
On the agenda today: a visit to the Cullen household to meet Edward's family. I have to say, the preparations for this trip did lead to one of the funnier exchanges in the book so far. You see, Bella is scared of walking into a house of vampires, but not for the reasons you'd expect:
"Look, I'm trying really hard not to think about what I'm about to do, so can we go already?" [Bella] asked.
"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"
"That's right."
But before this exchange, we get yet another look into just how amazingly perfect and godlike Edward really is. On their way out of Bella's house, Edward gives her -- from Bella's own description, since this whole book is in the first person -- a relatively tame kiss.
Which causes Bella to faint, because he's JUST THAT GOOD.
Moving along...they manage to make it to Edward's house without Bella tripping over anything, and she finally gets to greet the Cullen clan. Carlisle, Esme, Alice and Jasper all greet her with open arms. None of them try to eat her or anything! Okay, Jasper has to be careful not to get too close -- he's new at this vampire thing, and nobody wants to risk an accidental mutilation. Rosalie and Emmett don't join in the party; presumably, they're not cool with inter-species relationships.
Edward plays the piano for Bella. Try to guess, on a scale from 1-10, how good he is! The correct answer is "godlike."
But then, something happens. Something I refused to believe was possible in this novel, something that could spin this book right on its head.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have the beginnings of a PLOT. It seems Alice has seen that some vampires -- the normal, human eating kind -- will be coming to town for a while in the near future. Meyer brushes over this, which I think is her way of trying to make it subtle, which means it's obviously going to be a major event before too long.
Bella gets the house tour. The Cullens live not too differently from most people, although not sleeping means there aren't many beds to be found. Edward's room has a lot of CDs. Okay.
We then spend a lot of time learning about Carlisle. It turns out that Carlisle is around 362 years old, born in London sometime in the 1640s. In his father's footsteps, he hunted for vampires and other evil creatures -- only, because he's a smart guy, he found some actual vampires. In one of the ensuing hunts, Carlisle was bitten, but the vampire ran from the rest of the angry mob before finishing him off.
He became a vampire, but one with a lot of angst. He didn't want to kill people, so when he figured out he could live on animals, he went on a no-human diet. He spent time in France, then in Italy hanging out with some really old vampires who made fun of him for being lame. They all got along well enough, but reading in between the lines, it sounds like Carlisle was like that kid who you let hang out with you in high school, but was the butt of all the jokes. After a couple decades of putting up with this, he struck out for the new world, found Edward a few centuries later, and that was that.
Okay, so that's all well and good, we all like a little backstory once in a while. But it's time for a little action. Alice informs the group that there's a storm coming in, and the thunder will allow them to play their favorite sport without anyone noticing. That's right: in our next installment, we'll be talking about VAMPIRE BASEBALL.
Chapter Fourteen: Vampires are creepy old men.
It's so true.
Edward drives Bella home, and in the process, proves that he has no taste in music. To test your musical taste against a vampire's, please rate the following decades based on their musical awesomeness:
- 1950s
- 1960s
- 1970s
- 1980s
Maybe I'm crazy, but I'd probably go 70s, 60s, 80s, 50s in that order. Edward's list?
Sure vampire boy, whatever you say.
This concerns Bella enough to ask exactly how old Edward is. Turns out he was born in 1901, making him somewhere in the vicinity of 100 years old. Yes, he looks 17, but he certainly acts like a much older man most of the time, and was probably born well before Bella's grandparents...which makes him a creepy old man dating a high school girl by any standard.
Edward then goes crazy...crazy for exposition, that is! He spends a few page talking about how he was turned (Carlisle did it to save him from death from the Spanish influenza by biting him, but not enough to kill), his wacky family made up of a rag-tag bunch of happy vampires, and why they live in the rainiest place on Earth (it's nice to go outside during the day without everyone seeing you sparkle).
Let's do a quick rundown of the Cullen clan: Carlisle (a doctor by trade) plays the dad, married to his wife Esme, who he turned not too long after Edward. Later on he brought along Rosalie, who he hoped would be a life partner for Edward, but it was all for naught...until Rosalie found Emmett, and they fell in vampire love. Those two sometimes live on their own as a married couple once they can pretend to grow up after graduating high school every once in a while. Jasper is a recent convert to their low-fat non-human diet, having become depressed during his time as part of an evil vampire family.
And then there's Alice.
Alice is by far the most interesting character in this novel so far. Alice is a complete mystery: she doesn't know who turned her into a vampire. She doesn't remember her human life at all. And she has the power to see the possible future -- though there is no fate but what we make, so her visions aren't foolproof. I would be way more into this book if it were completely about Alice having visions and trying to discover where she came from and who she was. But then, that would be interesting, and this is Twilight.
Anyway, Edward takes Bella home and hangs out at the Swanstation house for the night. He then becomes an even creepier old man when he admits that since he doesn't sleep, he's been spending his nights sneaking into their house and watching Bella sleep, listening to her talk in her dreams.
Bella is chagrined. Oh, not because it's an incredible violation of her privacy and she's creeped out and never wants to see him again, like a normal person would feel. Bella's just mortified that Edward may have heard her say things she'd find embarrassing. You see, it's only creepy if you're ugly.
Anyway, Bella's dad Charlie comes home. Edward is sneaky (you have to be if you're going to survive in the creepy old man business) and manages to hide while Bella convinces her father that she really did just spend the whole day alone. Although he's suspicious, he ultimately accepts Bella's story that she wants to go to bed early. After checking on her once to make sure she's really sleeping (she's totally not), he leaves her alone for the rest of the night.
But of course, Edward is still around, and he spends the night with Bella talking about how hard it is to resist eating her because she has the mouthwatering aroma of "lavender...or fressia." Bella eventually does have to sleep, but before then, they do manage to cover two important topics.
First, Bella asks the very reasonable question of how Edward and Alice got their abilities. It seems that Dr. Carlisle thinks that those turned into vampires carry over magnified versions of their strongest human traits. Carlisle brought his compassion, Esme her passionate love, Emmett his strength, Rosalie her tenacity and stubbornness. Jasper has the ability to use his charisma to influence others, while Alice and Edward have their more obvious gifts.
Then, after calling Bella a baby seal to his killer whale, Edward coaxes one last question out of Bella. She wants to know if Rosalie and Emmett do everything a married human couple would do. Edward confirms the existence of crazy vampire sex, then finds out that what Bella was really getting at was if he'd he'd be able to make cold, stony, godlike sparkly love with her. Unfortunately, much like Superman, Edward is unsure that he'd be able to control herself and avoid killing Bella mid-coitus, taking sex right out of the equation -- even though they both confirm that they think the other is really really hot. It's not you, honey, it's just that you might eat me.
The chapter ends with Bella falling asleep in Edward's cold, undead arms while he sings her a lullaby, and with me wondering how I'm going to be able to sleep at all when for all I know there could be a creepy old vampire man watching me every night. Or watching you. Think about that when you turn out the lights tonight!
Edward drives Bella home, and in the process, proves that he has no taste in music. To test your musical taste against a vampire's, please rate the following decades based on their musical awesomeness:
- 1950s
- 1960s
- 1970s
- 1980s
Maybe I'm crazy, but I'd probably go 70s, 60s, 80s, 50s in that order. Edward's list?
Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh! The eighties were bearable.
Sure vampire boy, whatever you say.
This concerns Bella enough to ask exactly how old Edward is. Turns out he was born in 1901, making him somewhere in the vicinity of 100 years old. Yes, he looks 17, but he certainly acts like a much older man most of the time, and was probably born well before Bella's grandparents...which makes him a creepy old man dating a high school girl by any standard.
Edward then goes crazy...crazy for exposition, that is! He spends a few page talking about how he was turned (Carlisle did it to save him from death from the Spanish influenza by biting him, but not enough to kill), his wacky family made up of a rag-tag bunch of happy vampires, and why they live in the rainiest place on Earth (it's nice to go outside during the day without everyone seeing you sparkle).
Let's do a quick rundown of the Cullen clan: Carlisle (a doctor by trade) plays the dad, married to his wife Esme, who he turned not too long after Edward. Later on he brought along Rosalie, who he hoped would be a life partner for Edward, but it was all for naught...until Rosalie found Emmett, and they fell in vampire love. Those two sometimes live on their own as a married couple once they can pretend to grow up after graduating high school every once in a while. Jasper is a recent convert to their low-fat non-human diet, having become depressed during his time as part of an evil vampire family.
And then there's Alice.
Alice is by far the most interesting character in this novel so far. Alice is a complete mystery: she doesn't know who turned her into a vampire. She doesn't remember her human life at all. And she has the power to see the possible future -- though there is no fate but what we make, so her visions aren't foolproof. I would be way more into this book if it were completely about Alice having visions and trying to discover where she came from and who she was. But then, that would be interesting, and this is Twilight.
Anyway, Edward takes Bella home and hangs out at the Swan
Bella is chagrined. Oh, not because it's an incredible violation of her privacy and she's creeped out and never wants to see him again, like a normal person would feel. Bella's just mortified that Edward may have heard her say things she'd find embarrassing. You see, it's only creepy if you're ugly.
Anyway, Bella's dad Charlie comes home. Edward is sneaky (you have to be if you're going to survive in the creepy old man business) and manages to hide while Bella convinces her father that she really did just spend the whole day alone. Although he's suspicious, he ultimately accepts Bella's story that she wants to go to bed early. After checking on her once to make sure she's really sleeping (she's totally not), he leaves her alone for the rest of the night.
But of course, Edward is still around, and he spends the night with Bella talking about how hard it is to resist eating her because she has the mouthwatering aroma of "lavender...or fressia." Bella eventually does have to sleep, but before then, they do manage to cover two important topics.
First, Bella asks the very reasonable question of how Edward and Alice got their abilities. It seems that Dr. Carlisle thinks that those turned into vampires carry over magnified versions of their strongest human traits. Carlisle brought his compassion, Esme her passionate love, Emmett his strength, Rosalie her tenacity and stubbornness. Jasper has the ability to use his charisma to influence others, while Alice and Edward have their more obvious gifts.
Then, after calling Bella a baby seal to his killer whale, Edward coaxes one last question out of Bella. She wants to know if Rosalie and Emmett do everything a married human couple would do. Edward confirms the existence of crazy vampire sex, then finds out that what Bella was really getting at was if he'd he'd be able to make cold, stony, godlike sparkly love with her. Unfortunately, much like Superman, Edward is unsure that he'd be able to control herself and avoid killing Bella mid-coitus, taking sex right out of the equation -- even though they both confirm that they think the other is really really hot. It's not you, honey, it's just that you might eat me.
The chapter ends with Bella falling asleep in Edward's cold, undead arms while he sings her a lullaby, and with me wondering how I'm going to be able to sleep at all when for all I know there could be a creepy old vampire man watching me every night. Or watching you. Think about that when you turn out the lights tonight!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Chapter Thirteen: What a sick, masochistic blogger.
Bella and Edward frolic in a meadow. Okay, so there's not much frolicking; mostly, Bella and Edward lay there and talk to each other. But first, the elephant in the room...what happens when Edward is exposed to the sunlight?
Alright, let's face it: we already all know the answer. We've heard someone make fun of it, or we've seen a parody of it, or we've been forced to watch one of the movies and seen it first hand. But if for any reason you really don't know what happens, you'd never be able to guess. So if you're one of the rare people who has no idea what's coming, try to guess.
...
Okay, now make it 90% more girly.
...
Nope, 300% more ridiculous.
....
Seriously, you have to imagine something you'd never ever associate with a vampire, ever. Are you ready?
Edward sparkles. Yes, when he's in the sun, he sparkles. Sparkles. Just to confirm:
Anyway, this sparkling makes Bella forget all about how beautiful the meadow is, and remember how even more beautiful Edward is. You see, he was perfect, but now he's even MORE perfect. Like, if you lined up a dozen different perfect things, he'd clearly be the perfectest.
This leads to Bella and Edward laying together in the meadow. They go through their patented conversation one more time (we must be together!" "we must be apart!" I can't be apart!" "Nor can I!" "Then we'll be together!" "Cool, but I might eat you.") before getting to one of the more quotable exchanges from the book:
Sigh.
The charges of masochism deserve an explanation. See, Edward can't get enough of Bella because she's especially tempting to him. As he explains it, it's like having a favorite flavor of ice cream. You might like cookie dough, while I prefer to tear the woman at the counter limb from limb, drinking all of her blood. It's one of those little personal preferences everyone has. As he puts it, Bella is his personal brand of heroin (she's certainly not a heroine).
If any of this sounds interesting, keep in mind that it's doled out in a very long chapter which mostly involves what Edward and Bella are doing while they lay in the meadow. They touch each other! He listens to her heartbeat, and she listens to his heart not beat! They touch each other some more!
Finally, as darkness begins to fall on the sunny little meadow of their souls (well, Bella's soul, anyway), Edward gets really to take Bella home. They have several miles to hike back to Bella's truck, but Edward can make it in no time flat -- he's got super vampire speed! Bella hops on his back and goes along for the ride; a few minutes later, they're back at the truck.
Bella is dizzy from the super-speed adventure, and it only gets worse when we reach the moment that every 14-year-old girl reading this book has been waiting for...our first vampire kiss. The way it's written, it sounds anything but romantic: in fact, it might be the most awkward kiss ever. I suppose it's understandable, considering that Bella has told us a few hundred times that Edward is cold and stone-like, two qualities that wouldn't seem conducive to passionate make out sessions. So I guess they're officially dating now, if you care.
As of the end of this chapter, I've read 285 pages. There really hasn't been a plot so far, outside of sulking and moping and vampire-related angst and Bella tripping over things. But I'm being told that there's an actual, honest-to-goodness plot coming any minute now. I'll believe it when I see it...
Alright, let's face it: we already all know the answer. We've heard someone make fun of it, or we've seen a parody of it, or we've been forced to watch one of the movies and seen it first hand. But if for any reason you really don't know what happens, you'd never be able to guess. So if you're one of the rare people who has no idea what's coming, try to guess.
...
Okay, now make it 90% more girly.
...
Nope, 300% more ridiculous.
....
Seriously, you have to imagine something you'd never ever associate with a vampire, ever. Are you ready?
Edward sparkles. Yes, when he's in the sun, he sparkles. Sparkles. Just to confirm:
His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.Please take a few minutes to laugh at the sparklepire.
Anyway, this sparkling makes Bella forget all about how beautiful the meadow is, and remember how even more beautiful Edward is. You see, he was perfect, but now he's even MORE perfect. Like, if you lined up a dozen different perfect things, he'd clearly be the perfectest.
This leads to Bella and Edward laying together in the meadow. They go through their patented conversation one more time (we must be together!" "we must be apart!" I can't be apart!" "Nor can I!" "Then we'll be together!" "Cool, but I might eat you.") before getting to one of the more quotable exchanges from the book:
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...," [Edward] murmured.
"What a stupid lamb," [Bella] sighed.
"what a sick, masochistic lion."
Sigh.
The charges of masochism deserve an explanation. See, Edward can't get enough of Bella because she's especially tempting to him. As he explains it, it's like having a favorite flavor of ice cream. You might like cookie dough, while I prefer to tear the woman at the counter limb from limb, drinking all of her blood. It's one of those little personal preferences everyone has. As he puts it, Bella is his personal brand of heroin (she's certainly not a heroine).
If any of this sounds interesting, keep in mind that it's doled out in a very long chapter which mostly involves what Edward and Bella are doing while they lay in the meadow. They touch each other! He listens to her heartbeat, and she listens to his heart not beat! They touch each other some more!
Finally, as darkness begins to fall on the sunny little meadow of their souls (well, Bella's soul, anyway), Edward gets really to take Bella home. They have several miles to hike back to Bella's truck, but Edward can make it in no time flat -- he's got super vampire speed! Bella hops on his back and goes along for the ride; a few minutes later, they're back at the truck.
Bella is dizzy from the super-speed adventure, and it only gets worse when we reach the moment that every 14-year-old girl reading this book has been waiting for...our first vampire kiss. The way it's written, it sounds anything but romantic: in fact, it might be the most awkward kiss ever. I suppose it's understandable, considering that Bella has told us a few hundred times that Edward is cold and stone-like, two qualities that wouldn't seem conducive to passionate make out sessions. So I guess they're officially dating now, if you care.
As of the end of this chapter, I've read 285 pages. There really hasn't been a plot so far, outside of sulking and moping and vampire-related angst and Bella tripping over things. But I'm being told that there's an actual, honest-to-goodness plot coming any minute now. I'll believe it when I see it...
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Chapter Twelve: Vampireness is next to godliness.
Remember last chapter, when Jacob's dad was totally going to bust Bella for consorting with evil undead creatures?
It never happened. You see, he's one of those tribal elders who doesn't like to get involved when his friend's daughter is dating a vampire that, I remind you, he completely and totally believes really is a very dangerous vampire. I understand staying out of other peoples' business, but a quick "hey, that guy moves really fast, and also might eat Bella" seems prudent.
Alas, that would require something dramatic to happen, and that's not the Meyer way. Bella does get a cryptic line from Mr. Black that vaguely resembled a warning, but the situation never goes anywhere, as usual.
But none of that "drama" stuff is important anyway. What this chapter is really about is Bella and Edward's big day! The weather is nice, which means Edward can finally show Bella what happens when vampires get out in the sun. These ones don't die, you see. They...well, best to save that for when it actually happens.
During her time with Edward, Bella mentions that Edward is perfect. Not good, not amazing, but PERFECT. To be fair, she occasionally chooses other ways to describe him too. Words and phrases that totally aren't synonyms for perfect, such as "godlike," "perfection," or "TOO perfect." This makes Bella think she isn't good enough for Edward -- even though, as we've already seen, she's waaaay too good for anyone else.
Bella and Edward talk during their time together. They have a pretty repetitive script they go through every time they have a conversation:
BELLA: "Why could you possibly want me, when you are so perfect?"
EDWARD: "You are fascinating. But you should stay away from me, I'm dangerous!"
BELLA: "But I can't!"
EDWARD: "But you must!"
BELLA: "But I can't resist your perfectness!"
EDWARD: "And I can't stay away from you."
BELLA: "Then I guess we're stuck together. Also, I'm in love with you."
EDWARD: "Be careful, I might eat you. Let's hang out again tomorrow."
Instead of going to Seattle, Edward takes Bella to a secluded spot where he likes to go when the weather is nice. It's deep in the woods, a golden meadow where the sunlight can shine through. A perfectly round meadow with a nearby stream and colorful flowers and probably lots of happy woodland animals with smiles on their faces. It's the most beautiful thing Bella has ever seen...until she remembers Edward a few seconds later.
And then she realizes he's going to step into the sun, where he'll...well, that's the next chapter. Oh boy.
I'm discontinuing the "Will to Continue" feature -- I'm still working out the kinks in this blog, and that's just a little too gimmicky. I wasn't sure how much material these books would give me on a consistent basis, but it has become perfectly clear that there's plenty here to support this blog without any added silliness on my part. Seriously, the next chapter is going to be pretty amazing, and I've only read the first two paragraphs so far. Besides, this is getting so bad that I don't just have a will to continue, I feel like I MUST continue. See you after the next chapter!
It never happened. You see, he's one of those tribal elders who doesn't like to get involved when his friend's daughter is dating a vampire that, I remind you, he completely and totally believes really is a very dangerous vampire. I understand staying out of other peoples' business, but a quick "hey, that guy moves really fast, and also might eat Bella" seems prudent.
Alas, that would require something dramatic to happen, and that's not the Meyer way. Bella does get a cryptic line from Mr. Black that vaguely resembled a warning, but the situation never goes anywhere, as usual.
But none of that "drama" stuff is important anyway. What this chapter is really about is Bella and Edward's big day! The weather is nice, which means Edward can finally show Bella what happens when vampires get out in the sun. These ones don't die, you see. They...well, best to save that for when it actually happens.
During her time with Edward, Bella mentions that Edward is perfect. Not good, not amazing, but PERFECT. To be fair, she occasionally chooses other ways to describe him too. Words and phrases that totally aren't synonyms for perfect, such as "godlike," "perfection," or "TOO perfect." This makes Bella think she isn't good enough for Edward -- even though, as we've already seen, she's waaaay too good for anyone else.
Bella and Edward talk during their time together. They have a pretty repetitive script they go through every time they have a conversation:
BELLA: "Why could you possibly want me, when you are so perfect?"
EDWARD: "You are fascinating. But you should stay away from me, I'm dangerous!"
BELLA: "But I can't!"
EDWARD: "But you must!"
BELLA: "But I can't resist your perfectness!"
EDWARD: "And I can't stay away from you."
BELLA: "Then I guess we're stuck together. Also, I'm in love with you."
EDWARD: "Be careful, I might eat you. Let's hang out again tomorrow."
Instead of going to Seattle, Edward takes Bella to a secluded spot where he likes to go when the weather is nice. It's deep in the woods, a golden meadow where the sunlight can shine through. A perfectly round meadow with a nearby stream and colorful flowers and probably lots of happy woodland animals with smiles on their faces. It's the most beautiful thing Bella has ever seen...until she remembers Edward a few seconds later.
And then she realizes he's going to step into the sun, where he'll...well, that's the next chapter. Oh boy.
I'm discontinuing the "Will to Continue" feature -- I'm still working out the kinks in this blog, and that's just a little too gimmicky. I wasn't sure how much material these books would give me on a consistent basis, but it has become perfectly clear that there's plenty here to support this blog without any added silliness on my part. Seriously, the next chapter is going to be pretty amazing, and I've only read the first two paragraphs so far. Besides, this is getting so bad that I don't just have a will to continue, I feel like I MUST continue. See you after the next chapter!
Chapter Eleven: Frost/Nixon, this is not.
It seems that vampires have a lot of questions too, especially vampires that are used to reading minds. Since Edward can't quite seem to get inside Bella's head (oh Stephenie Meyer, you and your symbolism!), he spends most of this chapter questioning her about every mundane detail of her life. What music does she like? What's her favorite color? What kinds of flowers does she like? If she were a mythical creature that wanted to kill him and drink all of his blood, which one would she be?
Okay, he didn't ask the last one, but he did ask all the others. And a whole lot more. Really, Bella's favorite gemstone isn't something I as a reader felt strongly about, but I'm not a vampire. Maybe they need to know these things.
Bella also goes to gym, where they play badminton. Pop quiz! Bella's contribution to her team consists of:
a) Hitting a screaming shot down the line to win the final point, leading them to victory;
b) Supporting her partner by making the occasional good play, but mostly brooding about Edward; or
c) Managing to hit both herself and her partner in one swing of the racket, then standing in one corner of the court for the rest of the game while her partner singlehandedly wins matches for them.
If you answered A, you haven't been paying attention. B is a little better, since I might have fooled you by suggesting that she brooded -- she does that a lot, so it's an understandable mistake. But we all know that the correct answer is C, because we have to be reminded at every possible opportunity that Bella is a klutz. Not just an ordinary klutz, mind you; she consistently falls over, hurts herself and the people around her, and threatens her very existence on a daily basis.
The chapter ended with some potential drama, as Jacob's dad saw Bella and Edward together. Remember those tribal legends Jacob told Bella about? His dad takes that shit seriously, and probably won't like seeing any of them there Cullen boys messing with his friend's daughter. Of course, nothing will come of it, I'm sure; how could the simple fact that Bella is dating an inhuman hunter capable of killing all of Forks in a single night possibly stop a three-day old relationship?
Will to Continue: 87 (-1)
My will to continue remains strong, despite another chapter where our main characters did little else but stare longingly into each others eyes. I should know better, but I'm going to expect something exciting to happen any minute now. I mean, we've got vampires, Quileute legends, a heroine who always finds herself in trouble -- this is a recipe for action, right?
Right?
Okay, he didn't ask the last one, but he did ask all the others. And a whole lot more. Really, Bella's favorite gemstone isn't something I as a reader felt strongly about, but I'm not a vampire. Maybe they need to know these things.
Bella also goes to gym, where they play badminton. Pop quiz! Bella's contribution to her team consists of:
a) Hitting a screaming shot down the line to win the final point, leading them to victory;
b) Supporting her partner by making the occasional good play, but mostly brooding about Edward; or
c) Managing to hit both herself and her partner in one swing of the racket, then standing in one corner of the court for the rest of the game while her partner singlehandedly wins matches for them.
If you answered A, you haven't been paying attention. B is a little better, since I might have fooled you by suggesting that she brooded -- she does that a lot, so it's an understandable mistake. But we all know that the correct answer is C, because we have to be reminded at every possible opportunity that Bella is a klutz. Not just an ordinary klutz, mind you; she consistently falls over, hurts herself and the people around her, and threatens her very existence on a daily basis.
The chapter ended with some potential drama, as Jacob's dad saw Bella and Edward together. Remember those tribal legends Jacob told Bella about? His dad takes that shit seriously, and probably won't like seeing any of them there Cullen boys messing with his friend's daughter. Of course, nothing will come of it, I'm sure; how could the simple fact that Bella is dating an inhuman hunter capable of killing all of Forks in a single night possibly stop a three-day old relationship?
Will to Continue: 87 (-1)
My will to continue remains strong, despite another chapter where our main characters did little else but stare longingly into each others eyes. I should know better, but I'm going to expect something exciting to happen any minute now. I mean, we've got vampires, Quileute legends, a heroine who always finds herself in trouble -- this is a recipe for action, right?
Right?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Chapter Ten: In case it hadn't been mentioned yet...
Chapter Summary: Edward is hot. Bella doesn't think she's hot, but all the boys do. Edward is a vampire and is dangerous. Rinse and repeat. For twenty pages.
The only vaguely interesting part was learning what vampires like to hunt when they're not eating human. We learn is that Edward's favorite food is mountain lion, while Emmett prefers grizzly bear. The Cullens, he explains, are very environmentally conscious hunters, which I suppose is considerate of them.
Mostly, it was the first chapter (of many, I'm sure) that was dedicated entirely to the Edward/Bella relationship. To summarize, the relationship dynamic is something like this:
Will to Continue: 88 (-4)
I knew it! Vampire romance has arrived. And since it's pretty much the driving force behind the series, my resolve has been shaken slightly. But I'm still plenty happy to go forward for now; it hasn't even become painful yet.
The only vaguely interesting part was learning what vampires like to hunt when they're not eating human. We learn is that Edward's favorite food is mountain lion, while Emmett prefers grizzly bear. The Cullens, he explains, are very environmentally conscious hunters, which I suppose is considerate of them.
Mostly, it was the first chapter (of many, I'm sure) that was dedicated entirely to the Edward/Bella relationship. To summarize, the relationship dynamic is something like this:
- Edward is pretty, and all the girls want him.
- Bella is pretty, and all the boys want her.
- Bella is clumsy, so Edward occasionally saves her life.
- Edward is a vampire, so he is DANGEROUS.
- Edward sometimes warns Bella that she should stay away from him because he might suddenly snap and act violently toward her.
- At other times, Edward forces Bella into cars or follows her out of town without her knowledge -- for her own good, of course.
Will to Continue: 88 (-4)
I knew it! Vampire romance has arrived. And since it's pretty much the driving force behind the series, my resolve has been shaken slightly. But I'm still plenty happy to go forward for now; it hasn't even become painful yet.
Chapters Eight and Nine: Stupid, unreliable sleepiness.
I couldn't sleep last night, so I broke out Twilight, figuring that a chapter or two would encourage my brain to shut off. Worked like a charm!
Bella finally has her trip to Port Angeles with the girls so she can help them pick out dresses for the dance. It's about as girly as it sounds; like most of this book, it was clearly not written with the 28-year-old male in mind. But in a shocking turn of events, the dress-buying scene only takes a few pages! Yes, there are descriptions of all the dresses and shoes and whatever, but Bella eventually takes off to go walking.
In rare form, Bella manages to not only get lost, but to attract criminal attention. Four men trap her away from any large pedestrian crowds. Bella gets ready to fight them, recounting how she's going to rip their eyeballs out of their sockets and mash their noses into their brains (really!). Then, to add to the drama, Edward shows up, ready to tear them apart. Time for some good old-fashioned vampire violence!
But of course, that doesn't happen. No, not in Twilight, where our heroic vampire is VERY VERY DANGEROUS but always manages to stay just barely in control for his Bella. He takes her away, she calms them down, they eat dinner at a restaurant where every woman working there wants to jump Edward in the walk-in freezer. You see, he's JUST. THAT. BEAUTIFUL.
And yet, Edward is not interested in these women and their "beauty," or their "ability not to endanger their lives every day or two." No, Bella is his dream girl. They have a cryptic conversation that starts to explain this; it seems that a hypothetical vampire might hypothetically be able to read hypothetical minds, except in the hypothetical case of Bella. This is all hypothetically interesting to the vampire.
At the end of dinner and their drive home, Bella is FINALLY convinced that Edward is a vampire, but she's also sure he'd never ever hurt her, even though he's said over and over again that he might. To be honest, given his actions so far, I'm siding with Bella on this one. Bella has also decided that she's completely in love with her vampire. In most novels, I'd assume this is the kind of "in love" that all teenagers (even boys) go through a few times a year, but the way Meyer writes it, I'm pretty sure that's not what she means. She clearly thinks it's normal for Bella to be in love with a guy who she's hung out with along exactly once, and who has repeatedly expressed a desire to eat her. Umm, literally, not in the good way.
On the controlling boyfriend watch, these chapters featured Edward following Bella out of town and spying on her. For her own good, of course -- he would have worried about her all night, and he couldn't stand to see her get hurt! That's what they always say.
Will to Continue: 92 (-3)
Oh no, I can see the vampire romance coming! I also get the feeling Meyer is going to tease me with scenes that promise to be interesting, but end up petering out to nothing.
Bella finally has her trip to Port Angeles with the girls so she can help them pick out dresses for the dance. It's about as girly as it sounds; like most of this book, it was clearly not written with the 28-year-old male in mind. But in a shocking turn of events, the dress-buying scene only takes a few pages! Yes, there are descriptions of all the dresses and shoes and whatever, but Bella eventually takes off to go walking.
In rare form, Bella manages to not only get lost, but to attract criminal attention. Four men trap her away from any large pedestrian crowds. Bella gets ready to fight them, recounting how she's going to rip their eyeballs out of their sockets and mash their noses into their brains (really!). Then, to add to the drama, Edward shows up, ready to tear them apart. Time for some good old-fashioned vampire violence!
But of course, that doesn't happen. No, not in Twilight, where our heroic vampire is VERY VERY DANGEROUS but always manages to stay just barely in control for his Bella. He takes her away, she calms them down, they eat dinner at a restaurant where every woman working there wants to jump Edward in the walk-in freezer. You see, he's JUST. THAT. BEAUTIFUL.
And yet, Edward is not interested in these women and their "beauty," or their "ability not to endanger their lives every day or two." No, Bella is his dream girl. They have a cryptic conversation that starts to explain this; it seems that a hypothetical vampire might hypothetically be able to read hypothetical minds, except in the hypothetical case of Bella. This is all hypothetically interesting to the vampire.
At the end of dinner and their drive home, Bella is FINALLY convinced that Edward is a vampire, but she's also sure he'd never ever hurt her, even though he's said over and over again that he might. To be honest, given his actions so far, I'm siding with Bella on this one. Bella has also decided that she's completely in love with her vampire. In most novels, I'd assume this is the kind of "in love" that all teenagers (even boys) go through a few times a year, but the way Meyer writes it, I'm pretty sure that's not what she means. She clearly thinks it's normal for Bella to be in love with a guy who she's hung out with along exactly once, and who has repeatedly expressed a desire to eat her. Umm, literally, not in the good way.
On the controlling boyfriend watch, these chapters featured Edward following Bella out of town and spying on her. For her own good, of course -- he would have worried about her all night, and he couldn't stand to see her get hurt! That's what they always say.
Will to Continue: 92 (-3)
Oh no, I can see the vampire romance coming! I also get the feeling Meyer is going to tease me with scenes that promise to be interesting, but end up petering out to nothing.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Chapter Seven: Let me Google that for you.
If hearing an author recount her research under the guise of making her main character do research sounds exciting, then boy do I have a chapter for you! That's exactly what's happening here, as Bella searching the Internet for vampire information. I've noticed that inexperienced writers sometimes make their characters state facts that are clearly things they looked up and couldn't find a better way to fit into their story, but this is a little different. It's a little less silly -- at least Bella has a good reason for doing this research -- but it's still blatantly transparent. At the end of all this, she still seems very reluctant to believe, despite the fact that all the evidence available points to the conclusion that Edward and the Cullens are vampires. I'm sure she'll get there soon enough.
Sadly, I think Bella's research was the most exciting part of the chapter. Other than that, she made dinner, watched TV with her dad, set aside time for sulking and moping, proceeded to sulk and mope, wrote a paper, took a walk, read a book, and made plans to go dress shopping with her girlfriends. It felt a lot like having a little sister tell me about her very boring day.
Oh, and Bella seems absolutely enamored of Edward now. Not sure when that happened, but then, she is a teenager. Or maybe it's because he's a vampire (bad boy) who tried to save her life (...with a heart of gold). In any case, you can add "missing Edward" to her list of favorite activities.
Overall, this chapter didn't much effect my...
Will to Continue: 95 (-2)
...because as a loyal reader reminded me, I can never give up when I know what awaits me if I make it all the way to the final book. That said, it was boring, enough to tick down my interest slightly. I'll fight through it though. I don't think there will be much of a challenge until Bella and Edward start dating -- that's what will separate the men from the men who are determined to torture themselves by reading the entire Twilight series.
Sadly, I think Bella's research was the most exciting part of the chapter. Other than that, she made dinner, watched TV with her dad, set aside time for sulking and moping, proceeded to sulk and mope, wrote a paper, took a walk, read a book, and made plans to go dress shopping with her girlfriends. It felt a lot like having a little sister tell me about her very boring day.
Oh, and Bella seems absolutely enamored of Edward now. Not sure when that happened, but then, she is a teenager. Or maybe it's because he's a vampire (bad boy) who tried to save her life (...with a heart of gold). In any case, you can add "missing Edward" to her list of favorite activities.
Overall, this chapter didn't much effect my...
Will to Continue: 95 (-2)
...because as a loyal reader reminded me, I can never give up when I know what awaits me if I make it all the way to the final book. That said, it was boring, enough to tick down my interest slightly. I'll fight through it though. I don't think there will be much of a challenge until Bella and Edward start dating -- that's what will separate the men from the men who are determined to torture themselves by reading the entire Twilight series.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Chapter Six: A day at the beach.
For someone with so much self-loathing, Bella sure has an aura about her. Boys can't get enough of her, and girls are jealous of all the attention she gets from the aforementioned boys. No wonder she can simultaneously think so little of herself, and think she's way better than those around her.
Bella and friends go to the beach, but not Edward -- he was busyhunting camping, no really, camping. During the trip to the beach, Bella constantly thinks about Edward, at least when she's not busy deftly dodging the advances of every boy in town.
While there, she meets Jacob, a boy from the local Quileute tribe who knew Bella when they were very young. Jacob drops a hint that the Cullens simply aren't allowed in this 'hood, which piques Bella's interest.
But first, a quick aside. Bella asks about Jacob's sisters, who are just over a year older than her -- making them 18 or 19. One of them is in college (Washington State, go Cougars!), while the other is already married and moved to Hawaii to live with a Samoan surfer. Those Quileutes move fast! I've been assured that Jacob's sisters are never mentioned again in the series. Stephenie Meyer and Tommy Wiseau should have a conversation sometime.
Anyway, Bella decides that she needs to flirt with the 15-year-old Jacob to try to get more information, hoping that his inexperience with girls will make him susceptible to her feminine wiles. Apparently, Bella doesn't have much experience with 15-year-old boys. At this point in the book, we know that she's a 17-year-old girl that every guy her age is falling head-over-heels for in an attempt to win her. She's afraid a 15-year-old might catch on that she's just playing with him and decide he doesn't want to talk to her anymore? Bella, he's 15, and you're an older woman: you could probably tell him he'll never so much as touch you and still get him to tell you every Quileute secret, along with his dad's PIN -- and make him do it while buying you dinner.
Surprise! Her daring plan works, and Jacob hints at the fact that it's possible that the Cullens might be vampires. Let's see if you can catch that in this passage, where Jacob drops a subtle nod toward vampirism:
If you didn't catch that, don't worry; Bella didn't seem so sure about it either. She'll need a lot more than some extremely detailed legends and the testimony of one Edward Cullen that he's dangerous and abnormal in a way she'd never believe before she'll hop on this train.
Will to Continue: 97 (-1)
I wouldn't recommend reading this chapter late at night (I was ready to snooze), but Jacob managed to breathe a little life into the middle of the chapter after several pages of reading about seating arrangements, beach activities, and characters that certainly will have no impact whatsoever on the overall plot of this series. Bella was pouting for most of the chapter again, but at least Jacob made her pretend to be happy for a few pages.
Bella and friends go to the beach, but not Edward -- he was busy
While there, she meets Jacob, a boy from the local Quileute tribe who knew Bella when they were very young. Jacob drops a hint that the Cullens simply aren't allowed in this 'hood, which piques Bella's interest.
But first, a quick aside. Bella asks about Jacob's sisters, who are just over a year older than her -- making them 18 or 19. One of them is in college (Washington State, go Cougars!), while the other is already married and moved to Hawaii to live with a Samoan surfer. Those Quileutes move fast! I've been assured that Jacob's sisters are never mentioned again in the series. Stephenie Meyer and Tommy Wiseau should have a conversation sometime.
Anyway, Bella decides that she needs to flirt with the 15-year-old Jacob to try to get more information, hoping that his inexperience with girls will make him susceptible to her feminine wiles. Apparently, Bella doesn't have much experience with 15-year-old boys. At this point in the book, we know that she's a 17-year-old girl that every guy her age is falling head-over-heels for in an attempt to win her. She's afraid a 15-year-old might catch on that she's just playing with him and decide he doesn't want to talk to her anymore? Bella, he's 15, and you're an older woman: you could probably tell him he'll never so much as touch you and still get him to tell you every Quileute secret, along with his dad's PIN -- and make him do it while buying you dinner.
Surprise! Her daring plan works, and Jacob hints at the fact that it's possible that the Cullens might be vampires. Let's see if you can catch that in this passage, where Jacob drops a subtle nod toward vampirism:
"And what are they?" [Bella] finally asked. "What are the cold ones?"
[Jacob] smiled darkly.
"Blood drinkers," he replied in a chilling voice. "Your people call them vampires."
If you didn't catch that, don't worry; Bella didn't seem so sure about it either. She'll need a lot more than some extremely detailed legends and the testimony of one Edward Cullen that he's dangerous and abnormal in a way she'd never believe before she'll hop on this train.
Will to Continue: 97 (-1)
I wouldn't recommend reading this chapter late at night (I was ready to snooze), but Jacob managed to breathe a little life into the middle of the chapter after several pages of reading about seating arrangements, beach activities, and characters that certainly will have no impact whatsoever on the overall plot of this series. Bella was pouting for most of the chapter again, but at least Jacob made her pretend to be happy for a few pages.
Chapter Five: I waited for her to write something that made sense. The pages ticked by.
Chapter five mainly concerned a day in the life of Bella Swan. Bella has had some boy issues, but Edward is no ordinary boy. So when he stares at Bella from across the cafeteria, Bella decides that perhaps the men of Forks aren't all bad, and she scoots over to sit alone with him at another table.
At this point, Bella has already figured out that something is up with Edward, but hasn't come up with a coherent theory. Edward is mysterious and dangerous and cryptic, giving way too much information for a public setting, but not enough for Bella to figure things out (yet).
So then Bella goes to class, while Edward decides to skip. In a stunning coincidence, this is the day when everyone draws blood to do blood typing! Good thing there weren't any vampires in the room. Bella can't handle blood (which, you see, is funny because she's going to fall in love with a vampire!), nearly faints, and has to go to the nurse's office. On the way, she runs into Edward.
Eventually this leads to Edward taking Bella home...by force! In what I've been told will become a common theme in their relationship, Edward becomes more than a little controlling here. Even though Bella is perfectly capable of driving home, Edward refuses to let her, not only dragging her to his car and driving her home, but unilaterally deciding that it's okay for his sister Alice -- whom Bella has never spoken to! -- to drive her truck back home for her. An isolated incident, or the beginning of a vicious cycle? You decide.
Actually, this chapter wasn't so bad. A lot happened in it, and most of it seemed relevant to furthering the plot. Bella hardly brooded at all! At times, she seemed downright happy. Still clumsy, though.
I'm going to be eliminating a couple of the end-of-post ratings. I spend most of my entries talking about the banal and/or horrible things contained in the pages of the latest chapter, which makes it kind of redundant to add a section about these aspects of the novels. However, the Will to Continue remains! I think it's the most important rating by far, especially when I get into portions of the book that will test my resolve. But for now, my...
Will to Continue: 98 (+1)
...remains high. I don't expect it to last.
At this point, Bella has already figured out that something is up with Edward, but hasn't come up with a coherent theory. Edward is mysterious and dangerous and cryptic, giving way too much information for a public setting, but not enough for Bella to figure things out (yet).
So then Bella goes to class, while Edward decides to skip. In a stunning coincidence, this is the day when everyone draws blood to do blood typing! Good thing there weren't any vampires in the room. Bella can't handle blood (which, you see, is funny because she's going to fall in love with a vampire!), nearly faints, and has to go to the nurse's office. On the way, she runs into Edward.
Eventually this leads to Edward taking Bella home...by force! In what I've been told will become a common theme in their relationship, Edward becomes more than a little controlling here. Even though Bella is perfectly capable of driving home, Edward refuses to let her, not only dragging her to his car and driving her home, but unilaterally deciding that it's okay for his sister Alice -- whom Bella has never spoken to! -- to drive her truck back home for her. An isolated incident, or the beginning of a vicious cycle? You decide.
Actually, this chapter wasn't so bad. A lot happened in it, and most of it seemed relevant to furthering the plot. Bella hardly brooded at all! At times, she seemed downright happy. Still clumsy, though.
I'm going to be eliminating a couple of the end-of-post ratings. I spend most of my entries talking about the banal and/or horrible things contained in the pages of the latest chapter, which makes it kind of redundant to add a section about these aspects of the novels. However, the Will to Continue remains! I think it's the most important rating by far, especially when I get into portions of the book that will test my resolve. But for now, my...
Will to Continue: 98 (+1)
...remains high. I don't expect it to last.
Chapter Four: The wasting of my patience is everyone's business.
Now this is more like what I expected to find in Twilight! Bella broods. Bella is sad. Bella sucks at life, and yet all the boys love her. And why would the perfectly amazing and out-of-her-league Edward have any interest in her? Boy, her life is SO HARD.
For someone who seems to be so book smart (or at least sees herself as being much too smart and aloof for the residents of Forks), Bella can sure be stupid sometimes. Where she got the idea that Edward regretted saving her life, I have no idea. There are plenty of reasons why Edward might feel uncomfortable after such an incident, but why would your mind jump to "HE WISHES I DIED?"
So, Bella cooked dinner. Bella was clumsy. Bella rejected some boys. Bella planned a trip to Seattle. Edward, even given what we're going to know about him later, had an absolutely bizarre conversation with Bella where he changed his position several times without Bella saying a thing. In other words, nothing of any importance happened -- I know, hard to believe, but it's true!
Banality Index: 19 (+6)
This chapter was pretty boring. I get it: Bella is soooo amazing that she has to reject every boy in school, while at the same time being unable to walk without falling and not nearly good enough for Perfect Edward. Oh, and she can cook. And she drives to and from school, and goes to class. Yay.
Writing Quality: 37 (-5)
Meyer loses several points for the first line of dialogue that made me sigh. The thing is, I'm sure she had the idea to setup the line in her head, and was sure it was going to be amazing, but she just couldn't quite make it work. Bella's truck has bad gas mileage, you see. Everyone who could possibly work this into conversation has done this already -- herself, her dad, and now Edward. So when Edward offers her a ride to Seattle, and Bella questions why he cares so much, he says something that sounds so incredibly unnatural, I'm not sure I could write it with a straight face: "The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business."
It's a novel, Stephenie, not an after-school special. Please make your characters say things they might actually say.
Will To Continue: 97 (-2)
That chapter hurt, but it was over quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. I think the previous chapter, having some action, was the band-aid in this analogy, covering the wound left by the first two chapters. Did the cut heal, or will it just get worse as I continue reading? I have a feeling the Twilight series will eventually go for the jugular (no vampire pun intended).
For someone who seems to be so book smart (or at least sees herself as being much too smart and aloof for the residents of Forks), Bella can sure be stupid sometimes. Where she got the idea that Edward regretted saving her life, I have no idea. There are plenty of reasons why Edward might feel uncomfortable after such an incident, but why would your mind jump to "HE WISHES I DIED?"
So, Bella cooked dinner. Bella was clumsy. Bella rejected some boys. Bella planned a trip to Seattle. Edward, even given what we're going to know about him later, had an absolutely bizarre conversation with Bella where he changed his position several times without Bella saying a thing. In other words, nothing of any importance happened -- I know, hard to believe, but it's true!
Banality Index: 19 (+6)
This chapter was pretty boring. I get it: Bella is soooo amazing that she has to reject every boy in school, while at the same time being unable to walk without falling and not nearly good enough for Perfect Edward. Oh, and she can cook. And she drives to and from school, and goes to class. Yay.
Writing Quality: 37 (-5)
Meyer loses several points for the first line of dialogue that made me sigh. The thing is, I'm sure she had the idea to setup the line in her head, and was sure it was going to be amazing, but she just couldn't quite make it work. Bella's truck has bad gas mileage, you see. Everyone who could possibly work this into conversation has done this already -- herself, her dad, and now Edward. So when Edward offers her a ride to Seattle, and Bella questions why he cares so much, he says something that sounds so incredibly unnatural, I'm not sure I could write it with a straight face: "The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business."
It's a novel, Stephenie, not an after-school special. Please make your characters say things they might actually say.
Will To Continue: 97 (-2)
That chapter hurt, but it was over quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. I think the previous chapter, having some action, was the band-aid in this analogy, covering the wound left by the first two chapters. Did the cut heal, or will it just get worse as I continue reading? I have a feeling the Twilight series will eventually go for the jugular (no vampire pun intended).
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Chapter Three: In which something happens.
I had high hopes for chapter three. I was well-rested, and it was shorter than the first two. Plus, it began with snow and ice on the ground; with Bella's well-established clumsiness, this seemed like a recipe for something bad to happen to her.
Alas, she managed to drive to school with no problems. But wait -- here comes Tyler's van! It's heading right for her! A few more feet, and I'll be saved from the last 3.9 books!
Wait, Edward stopped the van from crushing her? Damn meddling vampires. Technically, I suppose I don't know he's a vampire yet, but I'm not going to pretend.
This chapter did have one other huge going for it: No lengthy descriptions of every little thing Bella does at school. It was also relatively light on "Bella does boring things that nobody needs to read about," and "Bella whines about how the boys here like her too much." And something happened to further the plot a little! How does all this change my feelings on the book so far?
Banality Index: 13 (-1)
It wasn't exactly exciting, but I give Meyer points for having something happen in this chapter, making it a marked improvement over the first two chapters. If I didn't know the main plot already, I might even be curious about how Edward managed to save Bella, though I still think I'd be on Team Tyler's Van.
Writing Quality: 42 (-2)
This chapter was an improvement, but it still managed to be about twice as long as it had to be. Also, somehow Meyer seems to use a simple vocabulary and still manage to occasionally write sentences I have to read twice to process. It seems like she sometimes wants to write in the same simple, clear style that J.K. Rowling used in the Harry Potter series, while sometimes also being flowery and poetic. So far, she hasn't really succeeded at either.
Will To Continue: 99 (no change)
Nothing to complain about right now. I know what I'm in for, and I know that there's going to be a lot of nothing happening...but for now, I have no reservations about continuing. Onward, brave reader!
Alas, she managed to drive to school with no problems. But wait -- here comes Tyler's van! It's heading right for her! A few more feet, and I'll be saved from the last 3.9 books!
Wait, Edward stopped the van from crushing her? Damn meddling vampires. Technically, I suppose I don't know he's a vampire yet, but I'm not going to pretend.
This chapter did have one other huge going for it: No lengthy descriptions of every little thing Bella does at school. It was also relatively light on "Bella does boring things that nobody needs to read about," and "Bella whines about how the boys here like her too much." And something happened to further the plot a little! How does all this change my feelings on the book so far?
Banality Index: 13 (-1)
It wasn't exactly exciting, but I give Meyer points for having something happen in this chapter, making it a marked improvement over the first two chapters. If I didn't know the main plot already, I might even be curious about how Edward managed to save Bella, though I still think I'd be on Team Tyler's Van.
Writing Quality: 42 (-2)
This chapter was an improvement, but it still managed to be about twice as long as it had to be. Also, somehow Meyer seems to use a simple vocabulary and still manage to occasionally write sentences I have to read twice to process. It seems like she sometimes wants to write in the same simple, clear style that J.K. Rowling used in the Harry Potter series, while sometimes also being flowery and poetic. So far, she hasn't really succeeded at either.
Will To Continue: 99 (no change)
Nothing to complain about right now. I know what I'm in for, and I know that there's going to be a lot of nothing happening...but for now, I have no reservations about continuing. Onward, brave reader!
Chapter isn't good, just a little repetitive.
Just finished chapter two of Twilight. The most exciting thing to happen in this chapter? There was snow, and some of the kids had a snowball fight. But then it started raining again, just in time to slow down the drama before this book spun completely out of control.
Bella isn't very sympathetic at all. She's obnoxiously smug and superior -- "oh, I've already read Wuthering Heights! I did this lab last year!" -- and since this book is in the first person, I have to assume she's telling us the story in exactly the manner she wants to. If that's the case Bella, why do you think I want to hear you go on about your boring science lab for page after page? Will the next one be prophase or anaphase? I hope you tell me soon, my heart can't take this tension!
Some facts are becoming quite clear, because Stephenie Meyer has gone out of her way to make sure Bella recounts them over and over again.
Banality Index: 14 (+8)
Bella is way better than anyone except for those beautiful, beautiful Cullens -- I get it. Now, 20 more pages of Bella going through an average day of high school! Snooooze.
Writing Quality: 44 (-3)
Meh, let's be honest: the expectations aren't high here. It's been bad so far, but not any more than the vast majority of books that get published and never become popular. Much like Dan Brown's work, if Twilight had never come to the attention of a huge audience, it's not like it would have been picked out of the crowd as an example of especially shitty writing or anything. So far the writing is just...bland and uninspired, like Meyer felt like she had to write something before she could get to the good parts. I can sympathize with that. But it also means that nothing stands out as particularly good or bad, yet.
Will To Continue: 99 (+1)
Actually, this chapter was easier to get through than the first. It was boring, but I think I developed some tolerance after my first dose of "mopey girl goes to school." If it doesn't get any worse than this, I'm home free.
But that's a big if...
Bella isn't very sympathetic at all. She's obnoxiously smug and superior -- "oh, I've already read Wuthering Heights! I did this lab last year!" -- and since this book is in the first person, I have to assume she's telling us the story in exactly the manner she wants to. If that's the case Bella, why do you think I want to hear you go on about your boring science lab for page after page? Will the next one be prophase or anaphase? I hope you tell me soon, my heart can't take this tension!
Some facts are becoming quite clear, because Stephenie Meyer has gone out of her way to make sure Bella recounts them over and over again.
- The Cullens are somewhat attractive.
- Bella is not good at gym.
- Boys are incredibly nice to Bella, despite her personality.
- Bella is super duper smart, way too good for these rural hicks.
Banality Index: 14 (+8)
Bella is way better than anyone except for those beautiful, beautiful Cullens -- I get it. Now, 20 more pages of Bella going through an average day of high school! Snooooze.
Writing Quality: 44 (-3)
Meh, let's be honest: the expectations aren't high here. It's been bad so far, but not any more than the vast majority of books that get published and never become popular. Much like Dan Brown's work, if Twilight had never come to the attention of a huge audience, it's not like it would have been picked out of the crowd as an example of especially shitty writing or anything. So far the writing is just...bland and uninspired, like Meyer felt like she had to write something before she could get to the good parts. I can sympathize with that. But it also means that nothing stands out as particularly good or bad, yet.
Will To Continue: 99 (+1)
Actually, this chapter was easier to get through than the first. It was boring, but I think I developed some tolerance after my first dose of "mopey girl goes to school." If it doesn't get any worse than this, I'm home free.
But that's a big if...
Monday, March 22, 2010
This is going to be harder than I thought.
I just read the preface and chapter one of Twilight.
Ugh.
The first bad sign was when, on page 10, I looked ahead to see how many more pages there were before I could claim victory over the first chapter, and I still had 19 to go. I let out a heavy sigh, and trudged on.
In this chapter, Bella Swan moved from Phoenix to Forks, Washington. She doesn't like it there. The school is boring and she is much too good for it. The impossibly beautiful boy, Edward Cullen, seems to hate her. She wants to cry. At least she has a new truck! And despite how much it hurt, I did make it through without any major psychological damage being done. Our score so far...
Banality Index: 6 (+6)
Sure, the plot is pretty boring so far. I know I skipped sentences, and possibly whole paragraphs at points, but it's the opening chapter -- these things are sometimes boring, even in excellent novels. I have to give Twilight the benefit of the doubt for the most part and not move the BI too high, too early.
Writing Quality: 47 (-3)
There are a lot of awkward phrases/sentences, and the book clearly isn't written at a very high level, but just like in the BI, we're just getting started -- I can't get too dramatic about such a small sample of Meyer's writing. It's certainly not offensively bad yet, though I'm not sure I believe this is exactly what the thoughts of a teenage girl would sound like.
Will To Continue: 98 (-2)
I thought this one would actually stay at 100 for a little while, but it was much harder to get through one chapter than I expected. If every chapter for four books is like this, I have a lot of work ahead of me. Still, I don't feel like I can't do it, just that it may not be very enjoyable. As of now, my resolve is strong and my dedication to the task remains firm. Stay tuned for the next update!
Ugh.
The first bad sign was when, on page 10, I looked ahead to see how many more pages there were before I could claim victory over the first chapter, and I still had 19 to go. I let out a heavy sigh, and trudged on.
In this chapter, Bella Swan moved from Phoenix to Forks, Washington. She doesn't like it there. The school is boring and she is much too good for it. The impossibly beautiful boy, Edward Cullen, seems to hate her. She wants to cry. At least she has a new truck! And despite how much it hurt, I did make it through without any major psychological damage being done. Our score so far...
Banality Index: 6 (+6)
Sure, the plot is pretty boring so far. I know I skipped sentences, and possibly whole paragraphs at points, but it's the opening chapter -- these things are sometimes boring, even in excellent novels. I have to give Twilight the benefit of the doubt for the most part and not move the BI too high, too early.
Writing Quality: 47 (-3)
There are a lot of awkward phrases/sentences, and the book clearly isn't written at a very high level, but just like in the BI, we're just getting started -- I can't get too dramatic about such a small sample of Meyer's writing. It's certainly not offensively bad yet, though I'm not sure I believe this is exactly what the thoughts of a teenage girl would sound like.
Will To Continue: 98 (-2)
I thought this one would actually stay at 100 for a little while, but it was much harder to get through one chapter than I expected. If every chapter for four books is like this, I have a lot of work ahead of me. Still, I don't feel like I can't do it, just that it may not be very enjoyable. As of now, my resolve is strong and my dedication to the task remains firm. Stay tuned for the next update!
Why Am I Reading This Crap???
I spent last weekend in Washington, D.C. visiting one of my best friends. It was fun, but at some point my friend got the idea that she wanted to torture me. She sent me home with Twilight. All four books. The entire series. I vaguely protested, but I couldn't say no.
Now, the easy way out would be to put the books aside, make excuses and run out the clock until I have to give the books back.
Fuck that. This is a challenge. This is something that no man should have to do, and yet, by doing it, I shall come out the other side a stronger person, provided I don't lose my mind in the process.
I am going to read every Twilight book. Every. Single. Page. Every terrible expression of vampire love, every mopey complaint by the protagonist, every horrifically bad phrase that Stephanie Mayer spewed onto these pages. I will not be defeated, I will not be stopped.
After every chapter (possibly after every couple sometimes, depending on how much I can stomach), I'll post an update detailing what I think and how difficult continuing the project is becoming. I'll be rating my current state of mind on three scales, each from 1-100:
Banality Index (BI): How incredibly bored of the stupid shit going on am I? This is my main measure of the plot, with the higher the number, the more the stupid plot is driving me crazy. I'll start this one at 0.
Writing Quality: I'll start in the middle here, with 50. Based on reputation, I could start at 0, but I'll give Mayer the benefit of the doubt until I'm reading her myself. As the number goes up (yeah, right), you can assume I've been impressed with the quality of Stephanie Mayer's beautiful prose. As the number approaches 0 you can safely assume that I'm yelling futile comments at the book in an attempt to make it stop.
Will to Continue: This is the big one. Right now, I'm at 100 -- I'm fully committed to finishing these god-awful abominations. As it approaches 0, it means I'm closer and closer to giving up; if I ever hit 0, I really will stop.
That's it. I'll start reading Twilight tonight, and report back if I survive the first session. I am not a religious man, but if you are, I'd appreciate your prayers through these trying times.
Now, the easy way out would be to put the books aside, make excuses and run out the clock until I have to give the books back.
Fuck that. This is a challenge. This is something that no man should have to do, and yet, by doing it, I shall come out the other side a stronger person, provided I don't lose my mind in the process.
I am going to read every Twilight book. Every. Single. Page. Every terrible expression of vampire love, every mopey complaint by the protagonist, every horrifically bad phrase that Stephanie Mayer spewed onto these pages. I will not be defeated, I will not be stopped.
After every chapter (possibly after every couple sometimes, depending on how much I can stomach), I'll post an update detailing what I think and how difficult continuing the project is becoming. I'll be rating my current state of mind on three scales, each from 1-100:
Banality Index (BI): How incredibly bored of the stupid shit going on am I? This is my main measure of the plot, with the higher the number, the more the stupid plot is driving me crazy. I'll start this one at 0.
Writing Quality: I'll start in the middle here, with 50. Based on reputation, I could start at 0, but I'll give Mayer the benefit of the doubt until I'm reading her myself. As the number goes up (yeah, right), you can assume I've been impressed with the quality of Stephanie Mayer's beautiful prose. As the number approaches 0 you can safely assume that I'm yelling futile comments at the book in an attempt to make it stop.
Will to Continue: This is the big one. Right now, I'm at 100 -- I'm fully committed to finishing these god-awful abominations. As it approaches 0, it means I'm closer and closer to giving up; if I ever hit 0, I really will stop.
That's it. I'll start reading Twilight tonight, and report back if I survive the first session. I am not a religious man, but if you are, I'd appreciate your prayers through these trying times.
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