Chapter Twenty-six: Don't Tell Mom the Bella's Dead.

Okay, the title doesn't have much to do with the chapter as a whole, but the first thing that happens is Charlie and Bella agreeing not to tell Renee about Bella's craziness -- at least not much. Thus, the title. Deal with it.

Charlie spends the afternoon watching football with Emmett before going down to La Push for dinner with Billy and Sue Clearwater. That'll be fun! Emmett apparently spends the whole time making sexually suggestive jokes, showing all the maturity that your typical immortal vampire should have.

When Charlie leaves for dinner, he spills the beans -- he knew that Bella and the vampirettes almost skipped town on him, and that she can only stay if he can keep his mouth shut. As long as he knows a little, but not too much, she can stay. Of course, she might have to leave anyway...but we all know that won't happen.

Also, Renesmee is the prettiest baby ever. Because everything is perfect. Except for her name, and now we get to know her middle name too! It's -- wait for it -- Carlie, because it's Carlisle plus Charlie. Take that in for a moment:

Renesmee Carlie Cullen. It could be worse, I guess?

Anyway, Charlie leaves, and Bella congratulates herself on not eating her father. Edward proclaims her Queen of the Newborns, being the greatest and most perfect example of a newborn vampire to ever exist.

But not everyone thinks Bella is that perfect. Emmett is convinced that his hugeness will still make him stronger than Bella, even with her newborn steroids. Bets are taken, a suitable granite rock is found (Esme won't let them use her table), and the game is on. The main wager is this: if Bella wins, Emmett isn't allowed to make jokes about Bella's sex life. If Emmett wins...it gets a lot worse (his exact words, in fact). That's...an interesting bet, but sure, why not?

Of course, Bella wins. But it's not just that she wins, it's that she doesn't even have to try to win. She can basically take her time, decide when to crush Emmett, and then do it. Emmett demands a rematch tomorrow, and presumably every day after that until he can be the big vampire on campus again.

Bella celebrates by testing her strength by crushing rocks. She does so easily, and giggles. Everyone else laughs at her silliness. DO SOMETHING, CHAPTER, I'M BEGGING YOU!

Blah blah blah, everyone tells Bella how strong and beautiful she is. Bella thinks it's amazing, because she was so painfully average as a human. And now she's finally amazing. And shiny when she sparkles.

And then the chapter is over. Oh my god, really? NOTHING HAPPENED. Some vampires had an arm wrestling match, that's seriously it! Sigh.

Spoiler alert: things do happen, thankfully, before the end of the novel. Or at least, they try to happen. You know how it is with these books.