Chapter Twenty-eight: How do you solve a problem like Irina?

Irina runs away, presumably angry about the friendship between Bella and Jacob, the Laurent Slayer. Alice knows she's not going back to Denali, but can't see exactly where she's headed instead. Oh well -- I'm sure it won't be important.

In the absence of news, Bella looks forward to her upcoming travel plans. First, she's headed off to Italy to confirm her sparkly new lifestyle with the Volturi. Then, it's off to South America for some research time with the Ticunas, who might know something about other little Renesmees who could be running around. Of course, Emmett and Jasper are really excited about hunting in the Amazon. They'll try a little jaguar, and maybe some panther.

Wait a second, aren't a lot of these big cat names just different names for the same animals? Sure enough, "panther" is actually a name given to a whole genus of cats, including jaguars. Oh, but maybe they meant the animal which is more commonly known as a panther, even if that's not a scientific classification! In that case, they're referring to the mountain lion, which is really exotic, considering they regularly hunt them in Washington. Well researched, Ms. Meyer! For further reference, the cougar and the puma are also the same exact animal, if it comes up.

Anyway, my focus on cat names is taking us away from what little plot there is. Alice is cleaning, and drops a vase. Being that she's a perfectly perfect sparklepire, it's impossible that she could have done this by accident. Nope, it's vision time!

And it's a particularly disturbing vision at that. She sees some vampires coming for the Cullens. The Volturi. All of them. Eep!

Alice sees snow on the ground when they come, so it reasons that they have a little over a month before it happens. What's really concerning everyone, though, is the fact that everyone is coming. I mean, even the WIVES are coming. They're letting the womenfolk out? But the wives never, ever leave! Who will cook and clean their tower??

Bella is sure the reason for this unprecedented event is Renesmee, even though she's not sure why. Alice searches back, looking for the answer they're missing. What did Irina see that could upset her and the Volturi that much? I mean, all she saw was a werewolf, a vampire, and a small child who looked impossibly like a vampire child that's totally illegal and the impetus for the worst violence ever in the history of the vampire world. What could have possibly set her off?

Yes, it's that last one. Bella passes this insight along, and everyone realizes that she's figured the mystery out. Oh sure, they're wrong about Renesmee, but the Volturi aren't really ones to hang around and debate the issues of the day before putting things to a vote. Their plan is likely to look something like:

1) Find immortal child.
2) Kill immortal child.
3) Kill vampires who made immortal child.
4) Split the price of a suite at Qwest Field for a Sounders match. They're Italian, they're going to want to see some soccer while they're in town, right?
5) Pictures at the Space Needle.

See? That's a packed schedule, so there's really no time for "confirming" things.

The Cullens examine their options. They can't run; Demetri will always find them, as he's the world's best sparklepire tracker. Fighting seems futile, because as perfect as the Cullens are, the Volturi are even MORE perfect. Plus, there's way more of them.

But the Cullens do have allies that could even up the score. We've got the werewolves, who aren't going to ignore an invasion by dozens of hostile vampires. Then there are all their vampire friends from around the world; it seems that one of the benefits of not being jerk-pires is that you gain lots of buddies.

Even with all the different vampires around the world that the Cullens take a page or so to list who might come to their aid -- and you'd have to think that at least a few will say "no, I don't want to be slaughtered by the Volturi death machine" -- they're pretty sure they can't actually win a fight against the Volturi. But if they can get them to slow down a bit and consider things, they can prove that Renesmee isn't an immortal child, but just an abomination, a freak of nature that's just so lovable!

And the race is on to track down all the friendly sparklepires they can find. The chapter ends on a super-happy note, as Bella informs Jacob that they've all been sentenced to die.

Oh, come on Bella, you've been in this series for nearly four books now. You know that'll never happen. The only real drama is trying to guess just how they'll manage to survive with absolutely no consequences to speak of!