As usual, Bella leads a really hard life. She has to pretend she's been having a sleepover with Alice and that Edward is just getting back into town, all for the benefit of her dreadfully human father. God, why can't she just be a sparkly vampire already? Jacob called and apologized, but Bella couldn't be less interested. I mean, he wants her to stay human, so what kind of friend is he?
Bella heads up to her room, and notices she's missing a few things she meant to throw into the laundry. At first she thinks that Alice must have moved things around on her, but it turns up this isn't part of her vff's dress up games; someone has actually stolen her pillow and a few items of clothing.
Edward shows up and seems disturbed. Well, even more so than usual. He darts up to Bella's room and notices that there's a distinctive smell -- a vampire smell. But not one he recognizes, so that rules out Victoria. Maybe one of the Volturi looking in on Bella, he thinks, especially since they didn't take a few seconds to have a Charlie snack while they were lounging around the house.
Edward wants to know if Alice has seen anything in her visions, but she's coming up empty. She's watching Bella, which means that Bella probably wasn't ever in danger, and she's watching the Volturi, which means they probably didn't do it...but other than that, she's clueless.
The Cullens have all sorts of theories, but no solid leads. But it does seem pretty clear that neither Bella nor Charlie was meant to be hurt, so there might not me too much to worry about. On the other hand, there was a mysterious vampire hanging out in Bella's room stealing her clothing, and really, that's both not cool AND a little creepy.
Alice comes up with an interesting theory. Whoever did this might have done it at random...or they may have done as much as possible without tripping off her psychic alarms, as though they knew of the extent of her powers. Of course, since this is both the most critical of the possibilities and the one that best fits the evidence, everyone more or less ignores it.
In the meantime, Jacob keeps calling Bella, and by the next morning she feels ready to forgive him. During the conversation, Bella starts to explain the new sparklepire situation, but Edward decides he'd like to talk to Jacob instead. They chat for a couple minutes and decide that they need to make some adjustments to the treaty for Bella's protection. Well, that sure was easy! Funny how just a few days ago, any minor breach of the same treaty was sure to lead to an all out werewolves vs. sparklepires war. Now that Bella's threatened, Jacob and Edward are more than happy to work together, and Edward even invites Jacob up to the house to get the scent of whoever was sniffing Bella's clothing. Boundaries are rearranged, truces are made, prejudices are destroyed. Maybe Bella should let evil creatures rummage through her stuff more often!
For now, Charlie is going to spend as much time as possible in La Push, and Bella won't be far behind. Meanwhile, Jacob will try to track down Bella's stalker. This makes Bella uncomfortable, because she seems to have forgotten again that her best friend is a freaking werewolf who already helped kill one evil vampire who was about to eat her. Oh, and he'll have the help of a large pack of other werewolves, and a family of friendly vampires. Somehow, I think he'll survive.
What a short chapter! If only they were all so easy...
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Chapter Eight: I love you, baby.
Bella and Jacob end up back on their favorite beach, chatting about their daring escape from Forks High. Bella knows the Cullens are going to be pissed when she gets back, but she's decided to spend a few hours not worrying about what her vampire kidnappers think of her.
Soon, the topic turns to werewolf gossip. It seems that Quil has imprinted! Maybe it's not as rare as everyone thinks, because he's the third one already. However, not everyone is so happy with Quil, particularly Emily. It seems that Quil imprinted on her cousin, Claire. Her two-year-old cousin.
Umm, okay.
But you see, there's nothing wrong with it! Quil can be patient, since he won't get any older. And Quil isn't going to want to sleep with her for over a decade at least -- until then, he'll just be the best friend, big brother, and protector. In summary, Stephenie Meyer wants you to know that this isn't creepy. I repeat, NOT CREEPY. It's just a teenage man becoming entirely devoted to a girl when she's two years old. Nothing creepy about that at all. Move along.
Jacob is worried that he won't imprint, because he can't see anyone but Bella in his head. He tells this to Bella, which goes about as well as you'd guess it would. Jacob tries to get Bella to stay even though he's just admitted that he thinks about her 24/7 and drives his pack crazy with his mental images of her, and...succeeds. Bella really isn't good at relationships of any type.
They go motorcycle riding, reliving their glory days of last year. Bella manages not to hurt herself, but when the roads get too muddy from the rain that's been falling all day, they head home for sandwiches and light conversation about the days when vampires had temporarily left Forks.
Alas, as usual, Bella's relationship with her sparkle-god comes up yet again. Jacob wants to know if she's serious about becoming a vampire, and when she says yes, he points out that this will break the ancient La Push-Cullen treaty that prevents the two sides from eating the crap out of each other. Bella says they'll move away first to make sure they don't break the treaty, but the problem is that there's no geographic limit; it's about the werewolves being able to trust the Cullens. Bella doesn't see why they can't all just get along, but Jacob seems really excited about having an excuse to kill some vampires...even if he's less happy about his best friend becoming an undead monster herself.
But hey, Jacob thinks, at least we have a few years before we have to worry about that, and they can be friends until then. Oops. Bella lets him in on the secret that she's planning to lose her vampginity in just a few weeks. Jacob nearly wolfs out on Bella, losing his shape a few times before calming himself enough to simply be chagrined in his human form. He'd really rather her be dead than a sparklepire, which Bella finds slightly offensive.
Bella leaves on her motorcycle, and manages to get all the way back to Cullen Manor without killing herself. Is this really the same Bella from the first two books? Alice is less than happy, but Bella doesn't want to hear it. She goes to bed early, waking up only after Edward gets home. Now it's time for Bella to really give it to him, right? She's pissed, and he's going to have to answer to her for the kidnapping and the imprisonment and all of his super-possessive behavior!
Hahahaha, yeah, right. The minute she sees him, it's all gone. He's just. That. PERFECT.
They discuss the bed, which Bella finds unnecessary. Edward points out that some things are easier in bed, which makes Bella think she might score...but no, Edward still isn't comfortable with the idea of accidentally killing his girlfriend with his vampire penis.
Edward does apologize for having Alice hold Bella hostage. Gee, that's nice Edward -- how long did it take you to realize that maybe that wasn't the best course of action? For some reason, Bella thinks she should apologize too...for...spending time with her friend. Or something. I don't know. This part of the chapter is giving me a headache.
On the bright side, Edward does agree to let Bella go where she wants, and he's going to try to be less of a werewolf bigot from now on. Of course, Bella's not likely to be going back to La Push anytime soon anyway, but I suppose it's the thought that counts.
Then some other stuff happens for a few pages. You know, Bella is worried that other vampire women like Tanya liked Edward, even though he didn't like them, and she's jealous. And then Edward tells her that he loves her more than a million mountain lions and that she's the most beautiful thing ever and here comes that headache again!
Luckily, Bella falls back asleep, and now the chapter's over. You'll have to try harder than that to fry my brain, Meyer...
Soon, the topic turns to werewolf gossip. It seems that Quil has imprinted! Maybe it's not as rare as everyone thinks, because he's the third one already. However, not everyone is so happy with Quil, particularly Emily. It seems that Quil imprinted on her cousin, Claire. Her two-year-old cousin.
Umm, okay.
But you see, there's nothing wrong with it! Quil can be patient, since he won't get any older. And Quil isn't going to want to sleep with her for over a decade at least -- until then, he'll just be the best friend, big brother, and protector. In summary, Stephenie Meyer wants you to know that this isn't creepy. I repeat, NOT CREEPY. It's just a teenage man becoming entirely devoted to a girl when she's two years old. Nothing creepy about that at all. Move along.
Jacob is worried that he won't imprint, because he can't see anyone but Bella in his head. He tells this to Bella, which goes about as well as you'd guess it would. Jacob tries to get Bella to stay even though he's just admitted that he thinks about her 24/7 and drives his pack crazy with his mental images of her, and...succeeds. Bella really isn't good at relationships of any type.
They go motorcycle riding, reliving their glory days of last year. Bella manages not to hurt herself, but when the roads get too muddy from the rain that's been falling all day, they head home for sandwiches and light conversation about the days when vampires had temporarily left Forks.
Alas, as usual, Bella's relationship with her sparkle-god comes up yet again. Jacob wants to know if she's serious about becoming a vampire, and when she says yes, he points out that this will break the ancient La Push-Cullen treaty that prevents the two sides from eating the crap out of each other. Bella says they'll move away first to make sure they don't break the treaty, but the problem is that there's no geographic limit; it's about the werewolves being able to trust the Cullens. Bella doesn't see why they can't all just get along, but Jacob seems really excited about having an excuse to kill some vampires...even if he's less happy about his best friend becoming an undead monster herself.
But hey, Jacob thinks, at least we have a few years before we have to worry about that, and they can be friends until then. Oops. Bella lets him in on the secret that she's planning to lose her vampginity in just a few weeks. Jacob nearly wolfs out on Bella, losing his shape a few times before calming himself enough to simply be chagrined in his human form. He'd really rather her be dead than a sparklepire, which Bella finds slightly offensive.
Bella leaves on her motorcycle, and manages to get all the way back to Cullen Manor without killing herself. Is this really the same Bella from the first two books? Alice is less than happy, but Bella doesn't want to hear it. She goes to bed early, waking up only after Edward gets home. Now it's time for Bella to really give it to him, right? She's pissed, and he's going to have to answer to her for the kidnapping and the imprisonment and all of his super-possessive behavior!
Hahahaha, yeah, right. The minute she sees him, it's all gone. He's just. That. PERFECT.
They discuss the bed, which Bella finds unnecessary. Edward points out that some things are easier in bed, which makes Bella think she might score...but no, Edward still isn't comfortable with the idea of accidentally killing his girlfriend with his vampire penis.
Edward does apologize for having Alice hold Bella hostage. Gee, that's nice Edward -- how long did it take you to realize that maybe that wasn't the best course of action? For some reason, Bella thinks she should apologize too...for...spending time with her friend. Or something. I don't know. This part of the chapter is giving me a headache.
On the bright side, Edward does agree to let Bella go where she wants, and he's going to try to be less of a werewolf bigot from now on. Of course, Bella's not likely to be going back to La Push anytime soon anyway, but I suppose it's the thought that counts.
Then some other stuff happens for a few pages. You know, Bella is worried that other vampire women like Tanya liked Edward, even though he didn't like them, and she's jealous. And then Edward tells her that he loves her more than a million mountain lions and that she's the most beautiful thing ever and here comes that headache again!
Luckily, Bella falls back asleep, and now the chapter's over. You'll have to try harder than that to fry my brain, Meyer...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Chapter Seven: Rosalie was just too pretty for her own good.
Rosalie enters Bella's room to talk. She's been meaning to talk to Bella while Edward wasn't around, so that she could provide the readers with her backstory without making it feel too contrived. All Bella knows is there was something that happened like the time she was attacked in Port Angeles, only Rosalie didn't have a sparklepire nearby to protect her. Oh, but there's so much more...storytime!
The year was 1933, and Rosalie was 18, living in Rochester, NY. Her dad's job in a bank (the one that didn't fail) gave her a solid middle-class upbringing, sheltering her from the horrors of the Great Depression. The Giants beat the Senators in five games in the World Series, and FDR had just taken office. More importantly in the life of Rosalie Hale, though, she was really hot, and she could use this to snag a rich husband. Rosalie's biological clock started ticking around this time, as her friend Vera -- already married (Rosalie points out every couple paragraphs that 1933 was "a different time") -- had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy.
If you wanted to be a big player in Rochester (which is a bit like saying you're the warmest sparklepire...I mean, really, Rochester "royalty?"), you dealt with the King family. Rosalie's mom managed to set her up with Royce King, who owned just about everything of note in town. Of course, because Rosalie is really hot, Royce takes to her immediately. He shows this by constantly sending her flowers, though I have to say, I now know that muffins taste better than flowers.
Within two months, the lovebirds were engaged, despite the fact that they hardly spent much time with each other besides looking good at parties. After all, he was rich and she was hot, so what else mattered? Before long, they were to be wed at a crazy lavish wedding that would be the biggest event in Rochester history, narrowly beating out that other time something happened in Rochester.
But something does bother Rosalie, because she sees how Vera and her husband interact, and there doesn't seem to be that...what do you call it again?...oh right, LOVE thing coming from Royce. But who cares, she's going to be queen of Rochester!
Heading home from Vera's house one night just a week before the wedding, Rosalie runs into some drunk men...including Royce, who starts calling out to her. Royce has a friend from Atlanta up for a visit, whom he brags to about just how hot Rosalie is...much hotter than any of the "Georgia peaches," as he puts it. But John from Atlanta disagrees, and says the only way to tell for sure is to actually see a little more of Rosalie, without all those annoying clothes in the way. Well, that seems reasonable...oh. OH. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
Rosalie doesn't go into any detail on the attack itself (thank you, Stephenie Meyer), but she says that the men basically left her for dead afterwords. But Carlisle found her first. At the time, Rosalie knew of the Cullens (back then, just Carlisle and Esme, with Edward pretending to be Esme's brother), and hated them for being hotter than her, but rarely talked to them since they didn't participate in high society. Carlisle bites her, leaving her in agonizing pain for a few days. Meanwhile, Edward really isn't happy with them turning such a recognizable face into a sparklepire, but Carlisle couldn't just let her die, because despite all the faults of these books, Carlisle is a pretty cool guy.
Rosalie pretty much accepts the fact that she's a vampire once she thirsts human blood and has rock hard skin. But, because she's so shallow, what really matters to her is that she's EVEN HOTTER NOW. Over time though, she decides that her hotness was to blame for all her problems. Ugh, why couldn't she just have been plain, so that her fiancee and his friends wouldn't have raped and almost killed her? It was totally her fault for being too hot...come on now Rosalie, don't blame the victim, don't blame yourself! You're better than that! Well, maybe not...but still!
So anyway, Rosalie ends the story by pointing out that she has almost as clean a record as Carlisle, better even than Esme. She's never tasted human blood...but she did kill seven people. She killed the other four men who attacked her, saving Royce for last. He hid in a windowless room with two armed guards and a thick door, but these were no problems for a newborn sparklepire. After killing the two guards, she made a very theatrical scene of Royce's death, including wearing a wedding dress to really freak him out. Fun times!
And thus ends the story of Rosalie. But she also wants to tell Bella why she had such a problem with her. At first, Rosalie says, it was because Edward wanted Bella and not her, because she's so used to people wanting her for her hotness. Rosalie is so vain that this bothered her for a long time, but she's over it now. I'd hope so, especially since she doesn't even want Edward -- she's got Emmett, she's just jealous that ANYONE would want ANYONE who isn't her. Sigh.
She still isn't exactly Bella's best friend, though. She's very against Bella's plans to become a vampire, mostly because Bella already has everything that Rosalie wants -- the chance at a full human life -- and she's going to throw it away. If someone had given Rosalie a choice, she would have chosen to stay a human, because no mater how vain she is, she's not a complete lunatic.
Bella reminds her that she got some of her happy ending with Emmett. Apparently, Rosalie saved him because he reminded her of Vera's son, which is very creepy and a tad selfish. But it did end up working out well for both of them, so maybe the ends justified the means. Alas, Rosalie will never have the children she wanted...though I suppose they could always adopt, right?
Rosalie simply doesn't want Bella to make permanent decisions about her life at age 18, which is actually kind of reasonable. And with a promise to think about it (hint: Bella won't think about it), Bella finally gets to go to sleep, confident that Rosalie will be slightly less of a bitch to her from now on.
When Bella wakes up, Alice drives them to school. In case you forgot, Bella is still the prisoner of a family of vampires. So that she won't see her best friend. Because they love her. Right. Alice does wish Bella was having fun, but there's no chance of that as long as she's being held against her will. Who would have thought?
At lunch, Bella is still being mopey. Her friends want to make plans for that night, but she can't because there's no way out...
...except that Jacob flies into the parking lot on his motorcycle, and screams at Bella to run. Jail break! What a great move by Jacob, taking advantage of Alice's blind spot to swoop in and get Bella out, since Bella didn't know it would happen and she hadn't made any decision to leave. Seriously, that's gotta be the most heads-up play of the book so far, well done werewolf boy!
Mike agrees to cover for Bella, earning him a kiss on the cheek, which is probably about enough to make him flustered for the rest of the day. Alice sees Bella on the way out, and is furious, but helpless to stop her -- how would she explain how she was able to run at super-speed to catch Bella, let alone why it's okay for her to physically stop her from leaving with a friend?
Jacob shoots off for La Push, and doesn't slow down until they hit the Quileute treaty line. Score one for the good guys!
The year was 1933, and Rosalie was 18, living in Rochester, NY. Her dad's job in a bank (the one that didn't fail) gave her a solid middle-class upbringing, sheltering her from the horrors of the Great Depression. The Giants beat the Senators in five games in the World Series, and FDR had just taken office. More importantly in the life of Rosalie Hale, though, she was really hot, and she could use this to snag a rich husband. Rosalie's biological clock started ticking around this time, as her friend Vera -- already married (Rosalie points out every couple paragraphs that 1933 was "a different time") -- had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy.
If you wanted to be a big player in Rochester (which is a bit like saying you're the warmest sparklepire...I mean, really, Rochester "royalty?"), you dealt with the King family. Rosalie's mom managed to set her up with Royce King, who owned just about everything of note in town. Of course, because Rosalie is really hot, Royce takes to her immediately. He shows this by constantly sending her flowers, though I have to say, I now know that muffins taste better than flowers.
Within two months, the lovebirds were engaged, despite the fact that they hardly spent much time with each other besides looking good at parties. After all, he was rich and she was hot, so what else mattered? Before long, they were to be wed at a crazy lavish wedding that would be the biggest event in Rochester history, narrowly beating out that other time something happened in Rochester.
But something does bother Rosalie, because she sees how Vera and her husband interact, and there doesn't seem to be that...what do you call it again?...oh right, LOVE thing coming from Royce. But who cares, she's going to be queen of Rochester!
Heading home from Vera's house one night just a week before the wedding, Rosalie runs into some drunk men...including Royce, who starts calling out to her. Royce has a friend from Atlanta up for a visit, whom he brags to about just how hot Rosalie is...much hotter than any of the "Georgia peaches," as he puts it. But John from Atlanta disagrees, and says the only way to tell for sure is to actually see a little more of Rosalie, without all those annoying clothes in the way. Well, that seems reasonable...oh. OH. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
Rosalie doesn't go into any detail on the attack itself (thank you, Stephenie Meyer), but she says that the men basically left her for dead afterwords. But Carlisle found her first. At the time, Rosalie knew of the Cullens (back then, just Carlisle and Esme, with Edward pretending to be Esme's brother), and hated them for being hotter than her, but rarely talked to them since they didn't participate in high society. Carlisle bites her, leaving her in agonizing pain for a few days. Meanwhile, Edward really isn't happy with them turning such a recognizable face into a sparklepire, but Carlisle couldn't just let her die, because despite all the faults of these books, Carlisle is a pretty cool guy.
Rosalie pretty much accepts the fact that she's a vampire once she thirsts human blood and has rock hard skin. But, because she's so shallow, what really matters to her is that she's EVEN HOTTER NOW. Over time though, she decides that her hotness was to blame for all her problems. Ugh, why couldn't she just have been plain, so that her fiancee and his friends wouldn't have raped and almost killed her? It was totally her fault for being too hot...come on now Rosalie, don't blame the victim, don't blame yourself! You're better than that! Well, maybe not...but still!
So anyway, Rosalie ends the story by pointing out that she has almost as clean a record as Carlisle, better even than Esme. She's never tasted human blood...but she did kill seven people. She killed the other four men who attacked her, saving Royce for last. He hid in a windowless room with two armed guards and a thick door, but these were no problems for a newborn sparklepire. After killing the two guards, she made a very theatrical scene of Royce's death, including wearing a wedding dress to really freak him out. Fun times!
And thus ends the story of Rosalie. But she also wants to tell Bella why she had such a problem with her. At first, Rosalie says, it was because Edward wanted Bella and not her, because she's so used to people wanting her for her hotness. Rosalie is so vain that this bothered her for a long time, but she's over it now. I'd hope so, especially since she doesn't even want Edward -- she's got Emmett, she's just jealous that ANYONE would want ANYONE who isn't her. Sigh.
She still isn't exactly Bella's best friend, though. She's very against Bella's plans to become a vampire, mostly because Bella already has everything that Rosalie wants -- the chance at a full human life -- and she's going to throw it away. If someone had given Rosalie a choice, she would have chosen to stay a human, because no mater how vain she is, she's not a complete lunatic.
Bella reminds her that she got some of her happy ending with Emmett. Apparently, Rosalie saved him because he reminded her of Vera's son, which is very creepy and a tad selfish. But it did end up working out well for both of them, so maybe the ends justified the means. Alas, Rosalie will never have the children she wanted...though I suppose they could always adopt, right?
Rosalie simply doesn't want Bella to make permanent decisions about her life at age 18, which is actually kind of reasonable. And with a promise to think about it (hint: Bella won't think about it), Bella finally gets to go to sleep, confident that Rosalie will be slightly less of a bitch to her from now on.
When Bella wakes up, Alice drives them to school. In case you forgot, Bella is still the prisoner of a family of vampires. So that she won't see her best friend. Because they love her. Right. Alice does wish Bella was having fun, but there's no chance of that as long as she's being held against her will. Who would have thought?
At lunch, Bella is still being mopey. Her friends want to make plans for that night, but she can't because there's no way out...
...except that Jacob flies into the parking lot on his motorcycle, and screams at Bella to run. Jail break! What a great move by Jacob, taking advantage of Alice's blind spot to swoop in and get Bella out, since Bella didn't know it would happen and she hadn't made any decision to leave. Seriously, that's gotta be the most heads-up play of the book so far, well done werewolf boy!
Mike agrees to cover for Bella, earning him a kiss on the cheek, which is probably about enough to make him flustered for the rest of the day. Alice sees Bella on the way out, and is furious, but helpless to stop her -- how would she explain how she was able to run at super-speed to catch Bella, let alone why it's okay for her to physically stop her from leaving with a friend?
Jacob shoots off for La Push, and doesn't slow down until they hit the Quileute treaty line. Score one for the good guys!
Chapter Six: Bella votes to ban minarets.
Bella feels great. She got to see her best friend, and he really needed some support right now. All is right with the world, except for the silver Volvo following right behind her as she drives over to Angela's to help her with graduation announcements.
Ooooh, right. The vampires. They're not going to be happy.
Bella goes directly to Angela's without passing Go. She runs inside to help write addresses on envelopes, a task much easier than talking to her boyfriend or his family about how she sneaked away to hang out with a werewolf. Of course, the whole situation is weighing on her mind, so she decides that Angela's as good as anyone to talk about this with. Of course, Angela knows nothing about vampires, werewolves, or blood feuds...none of which are at all relevant to Bella's situation, right?
But Angela's pretty perceptive. She knows that Jacob clearly wants Bella, and bad; she knows Jacob and Bella are close, and that Edward doesn't like Jacob. Really, isn't that enough? The whole supernatural overlay might complicate things, but this is all pretty simple at its core. See, Bella? Humans can be your friends too! They have thoughts and feelings and add value to your life!
Don't worry, she won't listen to me.
Alas, all good things must come to an end, and Bella eventually has to go home. After a quick chat with dad (who is very happy that Bella spent some time with non-vampires for a change), she heads up to her room...where, of course, a certain pissed off vampire boyfriend is waiting.
And Edward is pissed. Uh-oh, I think the world's most perfect sparkly couple is about to have their first big fight! Bella expects Edward to treat her like a big girl who can pick her friends for herself. Edward refuses to let her do that, because Jacob is really dangerous...based on the fact that Bella has consistently hung out with him for the last year and he's never come close to hurting her. Sorry Edward, but I'm with Bella on the one.
Bella makes her stance clear to Edward, just as she did to Jacob. She doesn't care about supernatural rivalries and what species each being in her life belongs to. She's Switzerland: neutral and extraordinarily xenophobic, but willing to make exceptions for the "good" supernatural creatures who "aren't like all the rest of them." Just like the Swiss.
Edward takes this well. So well, in fact, that when he goes away to hunt again the next weekend, Bella gets invited over by Alice for a slumber party that Thursday night. That last sentence is accurate, if by "invited" you mean "kidnapped," and by "slumber party" you mean "forced imprisonment." Nice, Edward, nice.
The problem is, Bella had already made plans to chill with Jacob on Saturday. She manages to convince Alice to at least let her call Jacob to cancel (seriously, Cullens? You weren't going to let her TALK to a werewolf on the phone? Jesus!), which Jacob takes about as well as you'd expect. Edward also gets a call, because Bella isn't a fan of being held prisoner by his sister either.
Bella spends the night in Edward's room, which now has an enormous bed for Bella to use, since she has stupid human needs like sleep. Bella, irritated, chooses to sleep on the couch instead. As she drifts off to sleep, she's awakened by a knock at the door. It's Rosalie, and she wants to talk.
What does Rosalie want? Will she try to eat Bella? Just continue being a bitch? No, it's something else entirely. If you liked reading about Bella nearly getting attacked in Port Angeles, you'll love the next chapter!
Ooooh, right. The vampires. They're not going to be happy.
Bella goes directly to Angela's without passing Go. She runs inside to help write addresses on envelopes, a task much easier than talking to her boyfriend or his family about how she sneaked away to hang out with a werewolf. Of course, the whole situation is weighing on her mind, so she decides that Angela's as good as anyone to talk about this with. Of course, Angela knows nothing about vampires, werewolves, or blood feuds...none of which are at all relevant to Bella's situation, right?
But Angela's pretty perceptive. She knows that Jacob clearly wants Bella, and bad; she knows Jacob and Bella are close, and that Edward doesn't like Jacob. Really, isn't that enough? The whole supernatural overlay might complicate things, but this is all pretty simple at its core. See, Bella? Humans can be your friends too! They have thoughts and feelings and add value to your life!
Don't worry, she won't listen to me.
Alas, all good things must come to an end, and Bella eventually has to go home. After a quick chat with dad (who is very happy that Bella spent some time with non-vampires for a change), she heads up to her room...where, of course, a certain pissed off vampire boyfriend is waiting.
And Edward is pissed. Uh-oh, I think the world's most perfect sparkly couple is about to have their first big fight! Bella expects Edward to treat her like a big girl who can pick her friends for herself. Edward refuses to let her do that, because Jacob is really dangerous...based on the fact that Bella has consistently hung out with him for the last year and he's never come close to hurting her. Sorry Edward, but I'm with Bella on the one.
Bella makes her stance clear to Edward, just as she did to Jacob. She doesn't care about supernatural rivalries and what species each being in her life belongs to. She's Switzerland: neutral and extraordinarily xenophobic, but willing to make exceptions for the "good" supernatural creatures who "aren't like all the rest of them." Just like the Swiss.
Edward takes this well. So well, in fact, that when he goes away to hunt again the next weekend, Bella gets invited over by Alice for a slumber party that Thursday night. That last sentence is accurate, if by "invited" you mean "kidnapped," and by "slumber party" you mean "forced imprisonment." Nice, Edward, nice.
The problem is, Bella had already made plans to chill with Jacob on Saturday. She manages to convince Alice to at least let her call Jacob to cancel (seriously, Cullens? You weren't going to let her TALK to a werewolf on the phone? Jesus!), which Jacob takes about as well as you'd expect. Edward also gets a call, because Bella isn't a fan of being held prisoner by his sister either.
Bella spends the night in Edward's room, which now has an enormous bed for Bella to use, since she has stupid human needs like sleep. Bella, irritated, chooses to sleep on the couch instead. As she drifts off to sleep, she's awakened by a knock at the door. It's Rosalie, and she wants to talk.
What does Rosalie want? Will she try to eat Bella? Just continue being a bitch? No, it's something else entirely. If you liked reading about Bella nearly getting attacked in Port Angeles, you'll love the next chapter!
Chapter Five: Werewolves are creepy young men.
Jacob and Bella walk hand in hand down the beach, discussing the latest gossip. Who's a werewolf now? The answer's Quil, who is really down with the whole wolf thing. How much trouble is Bella going to be in when she goes back to Edward? The answer's a whole lot, since he's not keen on her hanging out with werewolves.
Bella's a little frustrated that her boys are ready to kill each other. Why can't they behave, just because they're creatures destined to hate each other forever? And at least Edward tries, if you consider vehicular sabotage a good thing.
Anyway, Bella wants to hear about what Sam went though. It seems that Sam, being the first werewolf in a few generations of Quileutes, had it rough. By the way, just in the middle of typing this paragraph, I realized that Quil's name is the root of Quileute. Who knew? Anyway, Sam was freaked out (and who could blame him?), and it took him two weeks to turn back into a human form. When he came back, the tribal elders -- including his dad -- who remembered their grandfathers having been all werewolf-y explained things to Sam, including the fact that there would surely be more little wolves to follow.
There were other nice things about being a werewolf too. You become really hot (temperature joke!), you don't have to age until you decide to retire from werewolf duty (Bella really hates that one), and you get an immediate growth spurt that turns you into a freaking giant and ages you several years (Bella is more okay with that).
At the time, he was dating Leah Clearwater, who was worried sick about her boyfriend vanishing for a couple weeks. Once he got back, he wasn't allowed to tell her what was going on, but they still managed to make the relationship work...until Leah's cousin Emily came to town. And then, Sam imprinted on Emily.
What's imprinting, you ask? Basically, werewolves see their soul mate, and immediately become entirely and eternally committed to them. Nobody else matters nearly as much, and nothing can stop them from being whatever the person they imprinted on needs. The other person has a choice, of course, but how could they resist that level of attention and care?
Ouch. Sucks to be you, Leah. And Sam hates himself for it too, at least a little; he basically broke every promise he ever made Leah and ran off with her cousin.
So, why does this make werewolves creepy young men? You see, imprinting can happen at any time...even if the other person is much, much younger. Like, a toddler. Granted, it's not like they'll want to sleep with said toddler (at least not for a few years), but still...
Jacob and Bella sit around and chat for a while longer. After a couple of boring pages, Bella asks Jacob exactly what he did to make Edward squirm in the school parking lot. Jacob is very proud of himself -- he thought about Sam's awful memory (which he has seen, thanks to the werewolves' super pack powers) of finding Bella in the woods after he left, beaming it right into Edward's head in crystal clear high definition picture. But for some strange reason, Bella doesn't approve, and makes Jacob reluctantly promise never to do such a mean thing ever again.
Alas, all good things must come to an end, and it's time for Bella to get back before Alice gets too worried and orders a vampire invasion of La Push. Bella promises to come back the next time Edward goes hunting. She also tries to order a moratorium on all supernatural ethnic slurs, because she doesn't care who's a werewolf or a vampire or a demon or a mermaid or a Virgo: she likes everyone. Luckily, Jacob's a pushover and goes along with this, even though he wants nothing more than to go vampire hunting. Bella and Jacob miss each other a lot, and Bella promises to come back as soon as she can.
At least, as soon as her perfect boyfriend and his family allow her to. Remember what they always say: if you love someone, restrict their movements and friendships as much as possible.
Bella's a little frustrated that her boys are ready to kill each other. Why can't they behave, just because they're creatures destined to hate each other forever? And at least Edward tries, if you consider vehicular sabotage a good thing.
Anyway, Bella wants to hear about what Sam went though. It seems that Sam, being the first werewolf in a few generations of Quileutes, had it rough. By the way, just in the middle of typing this paragraph, I realized that Quil's name is the root of Quileute. Who knew? Anyway, Sam was freaked out (and who could blame him?), and it took him two weeks to turn back into a human form. When he came back, the tribal elders -- including his dad -- who remembered their grandfathers having been all werewolf-y explained things to Sam, including the fact that there would surely be more little wolves to follow.
There were other nice things about being a werewolf too. You become really hot (temperature joke!), you don't have to age until you decide to retire from werewolf duty (Bella really hates that one), and you get an immediate growth spurt that turns you into a freaking giant and ages you several years (Bella is more okay with that).
At the time, he was dating Leah Clearwater, who was worried sick about her boyfriend vanishing for a couple weeks. Once he got back, he wasn't allowed to tell her what was going on, but they still managed to make the relationship work...until Leah's cousin Emily came to town. And then, Sam imprinted on Emily.
What's imprinting, you ask? Basically, werewolves see their soul mate, and immediately become entirely and eternally committed to them. Nobody else matters nearly as much, and nothing can stop them from being whatever the person they imprinted on needs. The other person has a choice, of course, but how could they resist that level of attention and care?
Ouch. Sucks to be you, Leah. And Sam hates himself for it too, at least a little; he basically broke every promise he ever made Leah and ran off with her cousin.
So, why does this make werewolves creepy young men? You see, imprinting can happen at any time...even if the other person is much, much younger. Like, a toddler. Granted, it's not like they'll want to sleep with said toddler (at least not for a few years), but still...
Jacob and Bella sit around and chat for a while longer. After a couple of boring pages, Bella asks Jacob exactly what he did to make Edward squirm in the school parking lot. Jacob is very proud of himself -- he thought about Sam's awful memory (which he has seen, thanks to the werewolves' super pack powers) of finding Bella in the woods after he left, beaming it right into Edward's head in crystal clear high definition picture. But for some strange reason, Bella doesn't approve, and makes Jacob reluctantly promise never to do such a mean thing ever again.
Alas, all good things must come to an end, and it's time for Bella to get back before Alice gets too worried and orders a vampire invasion of La Push. Bella promises to come back the next time Edward goes hunting. She also tries to order a moratorium on all supernatural ethnic slurs, because she doesn't care who's a werewolf or a vampire or a demon or a mermaid or a Virgo: she likes everyone. Luckily, Jacob's a pushover and goes along with this, even though he wants nothing more than to go vampire hunting. Bella and Jacob miss each other a lot, and Bella promises to come back as soon as she can.
At least, as soon as her perfect boyfriend and his family allow her to. Remember what they always say: if you love someone, restrict their movements and friendships as much as possible.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Chapter Four: The magnets symbolize obviousness!
Bella is having a tough week. A vampire woman named Victoria is back in town to try to kill her, and her stupid boyfriend won't even take away her mortality so she can be a vampire too unless they get married! UGH. It's a hard life.
Edward has to go hunt so he doesn't start accidentally killing Bella. He likes to eat a nice medium-rare mountain lion from time to time, so he has to travel a bit for his hunting trips. Still, Alice will be only about fifteen minutes away, and she doesn't foresee any danger for Bella over the weekend, so everything will be okay, and Bella won't be able to sneak away to the wolves, since Alice will see it coming. Except, of course, for the horrible abandonment nightmares Bella will have simply because Edward isn't around for a couple days. Really, Bella, some meds might help a bit. You should talk to someone.
That Saturday morning, Bella has to work at the sporting goods store. Before work, she tries to arrange magnets on her refrigerator. Her two favorite magnets, which are both very strong, do not get along! No matter how well she tries to get them to work together, they simply refuse to. It seems the laws of nature simply won't allow them to coexist in the same place! This is not an analogy for anything else in her life!
Bella has a very boring day at work, though she does get to hear some more about the vampire murders in Seattle. When she gets tasked with throwing out some fliers about saving the Olympic wolf on her way out the door, she thinks of Jacob and makes a run for it. See, she didn't plan to do this, so there's no way Alice could see it! Unusually clever of you, Bella.
It takes Bella less than 15 minutes to cross the border into La Push, meaning Alice can't catch her in time to stop her from seeing Jacob. When she gets there, Jake is so happy to see her that he nearly kills her with a wolf-strength hug.
The two friends have a great time talking about topics of no importance, but eventually things turn to the only interesting thing in town: vampires. He's curious about what went on in Italy, which is pretty much the most exciting thing that's happened since Bella has moved to Forks. And yet, she's annoyed that her best friend might be interested in this chapter of her life. I mean, why would someone want to know about the time you rushed out of the country for three days on no notice and brought back a family of vampires?
Bella does oblige though, even through Jacob's vile racial slurs (bloodsucker!). Next up, it's Jacob's turn to retell the story of what happened while Bella was in Florida. It seems that Victoria was clever, and jumped back and forth over the treaty line, taking advantage of the fact that the werewolves and vampires weren't working together. I have a hunch that might change by the end of this book. Just a hunch.
Tensions ran high when Emmett jumped across the line lunging at Victoria, nearly running into werewolf Paul. Both sides got very territorial, but Carlisle, Jasper and Sam managed to calm everyone down. Much ado about nothing, really, except for the crazy supernatural hunting.
It seems the wolves have an issue with Bella liking the vampires again, after they all left her alone and mopey and filled with holes. Jacob has a hard time understanding why a fish (BELLA/HUMAN) would try to kiss an eagle (EDWARD/SPARKLEPIRE). He wonders if Bella's just in it for his money and his looks. The answer, of course, is "sort of," but Bella is still offended. I mean, she loves the sparkling, too!
But Jacob thinks it's terrible that she loves a vampire, since they're so unnatural. Jacob immediately earns consideration for Hypocrite of the Year, owing to his being, like, a werewolf. But in reality, the truth is that Jacob feels human, and shouldn't that count for something? He pretends to almost cry, earning himself a Bella hug. Bella can't help but want to comfort her friend, because he's an important part of her life too.
In other words, Edward isn't the only one filling Bella's holes, if you know what I'm saying.
(I'm not sure what I'm saying.)
Edward has to go hunt so he doesn't start accidentally killing Bella. He likes to eat a nice medium-rare mountain lion from time to time, so he has to travel a bit for his hunting trips. Still, Alice will be only about fifteen minutes away, and she doesn't foresee any danger for Bella over the weekend, so everything will be okay, and Bella won't be able to sneak away to the wolves, since Alice will see it coming. Except, of course, for the horrible abandonment nightmares Bella will have simply because Edward isn't around for a couple days. Really, Bella, some meds might help a bit. You should talk to someone.
That Saturday morning, Bella has to work at the sporting goods store. Before work, she tries to arrange magnets on her refrigerator. Her two favorite magnets, which are both very strong, do not get along! No matter how well she tries to get them to work together, they simply refuse to. It seems the laws of nature simply won't allow them to coexist in the same place! This is not an analogy for anything else in her life!
Bella has a very boring day at work, though she does get to hear some more about the vampire murders in Seattle. When she gets tasked with throwing out some fliers about saving the Olympic wolf on her way out the door, she thinks of Jacob and makes a run for it. See, she didn't plan to do this, so there's no way Alice could see it! Unusually clever of you, Bella.
It takes Bella less than 15 minutes to cross the border into La Push, meaning Alice can't catch her in time to stop her from seeing Jacob. When she gets there, Jake is so happy to see her that he nearly kills her with a wolf-strength hug.
The two friends have a great time talking about topics of no importance, but eventually things turn to the only interesting thing in town: vampires. He's curious about what went on in Italy, which is pretty much the most exciting thing that's happened since Bella has moved to Forks. And yet, she's annoyed that her best friend might be interested in this chapter of her life. I mean, why would someone want to know about the time you rushed out of the country for three days on no notice and brought back a family of vampires?
Bella does oblige though, even through Jacob's vile racial slurs (bloodsucker!). Next up, it's Jacob's turn to retell the story of what happened while Bella was in Florida. It seems that Victoria was clever, and jumped back and forth over the treaty line, taking advantage of the fact that the werewolves and vampires weren't working together. I have a hunch that might change by the end of this book. Just a hunch.
Tensions ran high when Emmett jumped across the line lunging at Victoria, nearly running into werewolf Paul. Both sides got very territorial, but Carlisle, Jasper and Sam managed to calm everyone down. Much ado about nothing, really, except for the crazy supernatural hunting.
It seems the wolves have an issue with Bella liking the vampires again, after they all left her alone and mopey and filled with holes. Jacob has a hard time understanding why a fish (BELLA/HUMAN) would try to kiss an eagle (EDWARD/SPARKLEPIRE). He wonders if Bella's just in it for his money and his looks. The answer, of course, is "sort of," but Bella is still offended. I mean, she loves the sparkling, too!
But Jacob thinks it's terrible that she loves a vampire, since they're so unnatural. Jacob immediately earns consideration for Hypocrite of the Year, owing to his being, like, a werewolf. But in reality, the truth is that Jacob feels human, and shouldn't that count for something? He pretends to almost cry, earning himself a Bella hug. Bella can't help but want to comfort her friend, because he's an important part of her life too.
In other words, Edward isn't the only one filling Bella's holes, if you know what I'm saying.
(I'm not sure what I'm saying.)
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Chapter Three: Fight, fight, fight!
We pick up the story as Edward and Bella return from visiting Renee in Florida. Bella's mom was very perceptive about their relationship, realizing just how close the two of them were, and how dependent Bella is on her sparkly hero. Renee thinks the whole thing is a little weird (good eye, Renee!), but Bella convinces her not to be concerned, rationalizing to herself that her mom won't miss her much when she's a vampire anyway.
Bella comes home to find out that Jacob has been calling all day, every five minutes, desperate to talk to her. Within minutes, he's called again, and wants to know if Bella will be at school tomorrow. When she says yes, he hangs up. If it was that important to you, Jacob, you could have just asked Charlie, you know. Bella thinks about it, and speculates that Jacob was checking to see if she were still human. Umm, Bella, I don't think that's the first thing I'd jump to if someone asked me if I'd be at school the next day. You might be trying a little too hard, okay?
The next morning at school, Edward continues his perfect habit of telling Bella what to do. It seems Jacob has shown up at Forks High School just to talk to Edward in a public place, and Edward doesn't want Bella to take part in the conversation. In a rare moment of assertiveness, Bella ignores what Edward wants and jumps out to try and defuse a potential supernatural skirmish in the parking lot. It would be soooo embarrassing with all her friends there to see it!
Turns out there was a little incident on the La Push border, where Paul (werewolf) and Emmett (sparklepire) had a minor scuffle when they were busy doing...something that Edward hasn't told Bella about. It takes her a minute, but she does eventually get there: it's Victoria. She's back, and ready to be the one evil vampire who fails to kill Bella in this novel, following the roles played by James (Twilight) and Laurent (New Moon).
Jacob has the crazy idea that maybe Bella should be allowed to know what's going on, but Edward is much too perfect to let anything like that happen. Lying is always the best answer! As a special reminder, Jacob thinks about the time when Bella nearly died (which one?), making the mind-reading Edward cringe. Well played, Jacob Black! That's one awesome point for you. He earns another one for pointing out that Edward is just a tad overprotective, a charge that Bella rejects (because if that were true, Edward most certainly wouldn't be perfect, therefore it must be untrue).
What Jacob really wants, though, is just to hang out with Bella again. For a reason nearly as inexplicable as why Bella and Edward are together, Bella and Jacob are best friends, and it kind of sucks when a vampire stands in the way of them having fun together. Alas, the principal shows up to break up the parking lot excitement, sending Jacob away from campus and the two lovebirds to class.
In English, Bella and Edward pass notes to each other. Apparently, one of Edward's special abilities is immaculate handwriting! Turns out nothing serious happened between the werewolves and vampires; just a tense moment as each side chased Victoria on their own. After playing a fun game of "how would you protect me if we were in a deadly plane crash?," Bella gets Edward to promise to tell her next time there's an evil vampire on the loose trying to kill her.
Later in the day, Bella hears gossip about who's going to win the Fight of the Century: Edward Cullen vs. Jacob Black! Opinions are sharply divided. Mike and Austin are on Team Jacob, because he's freaking huge. Ben and Mike think it's Team Edward all the way, because he's always so confident and can get backup from his gigantic vampire brothers. In any case, it would be the most interesting sporting event in Forks history, which is why the boys (and of course, only the boys) are so interested in gambling on the outcome. The only thing they aren't sure of is what the fight's about...though they all guess Bella. Geniuses, every one of them!
That's it for the chapter. Next week, on pay-per-view: Edward vs. Jacob, with an undercard of Charlie vs. Phil and a werewolves vs. vampire battle royale! Or not. Have you learned nothing, dear readers? You don't think Stephenie Meyer would let anything quite that exciting happen, do you?
Bella comes home to find out that Jacob has been calling all day, every five minutes, desperate to talk to her. Within minutes, he's called again, and wants to know if Bella will be at school tomorrow. When she says yes, he hangs up. If it was that important to you, Jacob, you could have just asked Charlie, you know. Bella thinks about it, and speculates that Jacob was checking to see if she were still human. Umm, Bella, I don't think that's the first thing I'd jump to if someone asked me if I'd be at school the next day. You might be trying a little too hard, okay?
The next morning at school, Edward continues his perfect habit of telling Bella what to do. It seems Jacob has shown up at Forks High School just to talk to Edward in a public place, and Edward doesn't want Bella to take part in the conversation. In a rare moment of assertiveness, Bella ignores what Edward wants and jumps out to try and defuse a potential supernatural skirmish in the parking lot. It would be soooo embarrassing with all her friends there to see it!
Turns out there was a little incident on the La Push border, where Paul (werewolf) and Emmett (sparklepire) had a minor scuffle when they were busy doing...something that Edward hasn't told Bella about. It takes her a minute, but she does eventually get there: it's Victoria. She's back, and ready to be the one evil vampire who fails to kill Bella in this novel, following the roles played by James (Twilight) and Laurent (New Moon).
Jacob has the crazy idea that maybe Bella should be allowed to know what's going on, but Edward is much too perfect to let anything like that happen. Lying is always the best answer! As a special reminder, Jacob thinks about the time when Bella nearly died (which one?), making the mind-reading Edward cringe. Well played, Jacob Black! That's one awesome point for you. He earns another one for pointing out that Edward is just a tad overprotective, a charge that Bella rejects (because if that were true, Edward most certainly wouldn't be perfect, therefore it must be untrue).
What Jacob really wants, though, is just to hang out with Bella again. For a reason nearly as inexplicable as why Bella and Edward are together, Bella and Jacob are best friends, and it kind of sucks when a vampire stands in the way of them having fun together. Alas, the principal shows up to break up the parking lot excitement, sending Jacob away from campus and the two lovebirds to class.
In English, Bella and Edward pass notes to each other. Apparently, one of Edward's special abilities is immaculate handwriting! Turns out nothing serious happened between the werewolves and vampires; just a tense moment as each side chased Victoria on their own. After playing a fun game of "how would you protect me if we were in a deadly plane crash?," Bella gets Edward to promise to tell her next time there's an evil vampire on the loose trying to kill her.
Later in the day, Bella hears gossip about who's going to win the Fight of the Century: Edward Cullen vs. Jacob Black! Opinions are sharply divided. Mike and Austin are on Team Jacob, because he's freaking huge. Ben and Mike think it's Team Edward all the way, because he's always so confident and can get backup from his gigantic vampire brothers. In any case, it would be the most interesting sporting event in Forks history, which is why the boys (and of course, only the boys) are so interested in gambling on the outcome. The only thing they aren't sure of is what the fight's about...though they all guess Bella. Geniuses, every one of them!
That's it for the chapter. Next week, on pay-per-view: Edward vs. Jacob, with an undercard of Charlie vs. Phil and a werewolves vs. vampire battle royale! Or not. Have you learned nothing, dear readers? You don't think Stephenie Meyer would let anything quite that exciting happen, do you?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Chapter Two: If he loves you, he'll sabotage your car.
It takes Bella less than one paragraph of this chapter to tell us that she's dating the most perfect person/vampire on the whole entire planet, so I think we should keep an eye on all the perfect things Edward does in good old chapter two.
It's almost graduation time in Forks, meaning it's time to send out graduation announcements. Apparently, people still do that. I never did that, but maybe it's a girl thing? I don't know. Anyway, Angela (a human, that's why you don't remember her) needs help with hers, so Bella's going to use that as a chance to show Charlie she's adding balance to her life. Now that Bella's sort of not grounded anymore, Alice wants to have a big celebration, and Angela concurs. But all Bella wants to do is talk to Jacob.
Oh, Jacob...the boy who she used and who in turn hated her because he has an ancient blood feud with her boyfriend. In other words, her best friend. He's the one person she can't see, in part because Alice can't see him either, meaning Edward can't have a 100% guarantee of her safety. Not that he's overprotective or anything, because he's PERFECT.
Alice has a vision at lunch, but she won't say of what, mostly because all their other human friends aren't in on the whole vampire thing. Edward conspicuously manages not to talk to Bella about it, because avoiding talking to your girlfriend is something that perfect boyfriends do all the time. Edward goes as far as to talk cars with Mike Newton, a 3rd-tier character who he couldn't possibly care less about.
When they get home, Edward kisses Bella as passionately as he can handle, just to keep her mouth shut. Using sex to avoid talking about important issues is perfect! Later on, Edward pulls out the plane tickets to Jacksonville that Esme and Carlisle gave Bella last year for her birthday. Bells has understandably not thought about them much, since that was the birthday when she almost died.
Edward wants to get Bella to go to Florida this weekend, before the tickets expire. His real reason, of course, is to get her out of town for the weekend. Best not to tell her anything about why, of course; a perfect boyfriend knows better than to share with his girlfriend. On a totally unrelated note, Edward claims that what Alice saw at lunchtime was Jasper visiting the sunny southwest, near his old family of human-eating vampires.
Bella makes Charlie his favorite dinner to try to get him to let her out with Edward. But she's thinking maybe a trip to Port Angeles, so when Edward spontaneously mentions the plane tickets to Florida, Bella is shocked. Why, Bella? Isn't going behind your back exactly what you'd expect your perfect boyfriend to do? Charlie loves the idea of Bella going to visit mom, but not so much Edward coming along for the trip. Charlie attempts to use this as a reason to ground her, but Bella -- definitely not the perfect daughter -- uses the "I'll just move out then" card to defuse the situation, and heads out to have a talk with her perfect boyfriend.
Edward, perfect as he is, forbids Bella from going to a party in La Push, regardless of whether she's in Forks or not. Classy! They hang out at Edward's place for a while, where they play chess with Alice and Jasper.
By the way, the whole thing with Edward and Alice playing chess against each other? Their abilities aren't quite as useful as you might imagine, particularly if the opponent knows what's going on. In that case, all you have to do is make moves instinctively each time you get to the board, and not think about the game between moves, nullifying their supernatural advantage entirely. Granted, you'd have to be pretty darn good to do that, and there's also the danger of them deciding to eat you once you've foiled their plans, so it might be better to play along. In any case, if Alice played anywhere near reasonably, there's no way she was forced to lose after two moves. Also, I'm pretty sure that nobody else cares nearly as much about vampire chess as me.
Bella comes home, and Charlie wants to talk to Bella. Actually, he wants to have THE talk. Edward, in his perfectness, decided not to let Bella know about this ahead of time. Bella tries to get out of it by saying mom gave her the talk a decade earlier, but Charlie thinks they need to have it again. Just as he's about to launch into a talk about preferred birth control methods, Bella admits she's still a virgin (having both her virginity and vampginity intact), which allows Charlie to back down a little.
Charlie also asks how Bella's doing with adding balance to her life. Specifically, he wants her to make up with Jacob. This puts Jacob back on Bella's brain, and she decides that if she sneaks out now, she'll have just enough time to get down to La Push and back without Edward ever being the wiser. Of course, she'd smell like werewolf when she got home, but who can blame her for forgetting that part? She's not the perfect one, after all. Dad lets her head out, and she jumps in her truck to drive down to see the pack.
Only her truck won't start.
Because Edward sabotaged it. BECAUSE HE'S PERFECT.
Alice no longer could see Bella in her visions, so Edward surmised (perfectly) that she was heading off to the werewolf 'hood. Alice can't see the werewolves, probably because their transformations confound predictability. But no worries, because Edward promises to put the car back together in time for her to drive to school in the morning!
Edward tells Bella that if she's mad, she can close her bedroom window, and he won't spend the night with her. She does for a moment, but then opens it again as wide as she can.
After all, if we've learned one thing during this chapter, it's that Edward is the world's most perfect person. How could you possibly stay mad at him for more than a few seconds?
It's almost graduation time in Forks, meaning it's time to send out graduation announcements. Apparently, people still do that. I never did that, but maybe it's a girl thing? I don't know. Anyway, Angela (a human, that's why you don't remember her) needs help with hers, so Bella's going to use that as a chance to show Charlie she's adding balance to her life. Now that Bella's sort of not grounded anymore, Alice wants to have a big celebration, and Angela concurs. But all Bella wants to do is talk to Jacob.
Oh, Jacob...the boy who she used and who in turn hated her because he has an ancient blood feud with her boyfriend. In other words, her best friend. He's the one person she can't see, in part because Alice can't see him either, meaning Edward can't have a 100% guarantee of her safety. Not that he's overprotective or anything, because he's PERFECT.
Alice has a vision at lunch, but she won't say of what, mostly because all their other human friends aren't in on the whole vampire thing. Edward conspicuously manages not to talk to Bella about it, because avoiding talking to your girlfriend is something that perfect boyfriends do all the time. Edward goes as far as to talk cars with Mike Newton, a 3rd-tier character who he couldn't possibly care less about.
When they get home, Edward kisses Bella as passionately as he can handle, just to keep her mouth shut. Using sex to avoid talking about important issues is perfect! Later on, Edward pulls out the plane tickets to Jacksonville that Esme and Carlisle gave Bella last year for her birthday. Bells has understandably not thought about them much, since that was the birthday when she almost died.
Edward wants to get Bella to go to Florida this weekend, before the tickets expire. His real reason, of course, is to get her out of town for the weekend. Best not to tell her anything about why, of course; a perfect boyfriend knows better than to share with his girlfriend. On a totally unrelated note, Edward claims that what Alice saw at lunchtime was Jasper visiting the sunny southwest, near his old family of human-eating vampires.
Bella makes Charlie his favorite dinner to try to get him to let her out with Edward. But she's thinking maybe a trip to Port Angeles, so when Edward spontaneously mentions the plane tickets to Florida, Bella is shocked. Why, Bella? Isn't going behind your back exactly what you'd expect your perfect boyfriend to do? Charlie loves the idea of Bella going to visit mom, but not so much Edward coming along for the trip. Charlie attempts to use this as a reason to ground her, but Bella -- definitely not the perfect daughter -- uses the "I'll just move out then" card to defuse the situation, and heads out to have a talk with her perfect boyfriend.
Edward, perfect as he is, forbids Bella from going to a party in La Push, regardless of whether she's in Forks or not. Classy! They hang out at Edward's place for a while, where they play chess with Alice and Jasper.
By the way, the whole thing with Edward and Alice playing chess against each other? Their abilities aren't quite as useful as you might imagine, particularly if the opponent knows what's going on. In that case, all you have to do is make moves instinctively each time you get to the board, and not think about the game between moves, nullifying their supernatural advantage entirely. Granted, you'd have to be pretty darn good to do that, and there's also the danger of them deciding to eat you once you've foiled their plans, so it might be better to play along. In any case, if Alice played anywhere near reasonably, there's no way she was forced to lose after two moves. Also, I'm pretty sure that nobody else cares nearly as much about vampire chess as me.
Bella comes home, and Charlie wants to talk to Bella. Actually, he wants to have THE talk. Edward, in his perfectness, decided not to let Bella know about this ahead of time. Bella tries to get out of it by saying mom gave her the talk a decade earlier, but Charlie thinks they need to have it again. Just as he's about to launch into a talk about preferred birth control methods, Bella admits she's still a virgin (having both her virginity and vampginity intact), which allows Charlie to back down a little.
Charlie also asks how Bella's doing with adding balance to her life. Specifically, he wants her to make up with Jacob. This puts Jacob back on Bella's brain, and she decides that if she sneaks out now, she'll have just enough time to get down to La Push and back without Edward ever being the wiser. Of course, she'd smell like werewolf when she got home, but who can blame her for forgetting that part? She's not the perfect one, after all. Dad lets her head out, and she jumps in her truck to drive down to see the pack.
Only her truck won't start.
Because Edward sabotaged it. BECAUSE HE'S PERFECT.
Alice no longer could see Bella in her visions, so Edward surmised (perfectly) that she was heading off to the werewolf 'hood. Alice can't see the werewolves, probably because their transformations confound predictability. But no worries, because Edward promises to put the car back together in time for her to drive to school in the morning!
Edward tells Bella that if she's mad, she can close her bedroom window, and he won't spend the night with her. She does for a moment, but then opens it again as wide as she can.
After all, if we've learned one thing during this chapter, it's that Edward is the world's most perfect person. How could you possibly stay mad at him for more than a few seconds?
Friday, April 23, 2010
Eclipse Chapter One: Best boyfriend ever.
Oh yeah, readers - it's on!
The book begins with Jacob trying to write Bella a letter. He's having trouble finding the right words to say to his friend, a problem I've never, ever had. Of course, I usually decide on something better than:
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Jacob is hurt. Bella is hurt that Jacob is hurt. Charlie is hurt that Bella hasn't made dinner yet, and has resorted to cooking. He's comically bad at preparing food though, and has screwed dinner up badly. If you're keeping score, women are good at cooking, and men are good at motorcycles. There are no exceptions. Bella is double super grounded now, and the only time she can see Edward is for a couple hours each evening in the company of her father, which makes the fact that Dad's cooking for her (or trying to) even stranger.
But first, this news bulletin! There's a string of unsolved murders in Seattle that will in no way tie into the plot of this book! No sir, that was simply a little bit of depth being added to the book's universe. No vampire-related activities at all. Move along.
Anyway, Charlie made dinner to have a little negotiation session with his daughter. He's willing to allow her out of the house once in a while, as long as there's some time spent with non-vampires. Actually, Charlie's not even that specific; he just wants Bella to have friends other than Edward and Alice. In particular, one Jacob Black. Charlie doesn't understand that vampires and werewolves just don't get along, because nobody has bothered to explain it to him, and he wasn't forced into reading the first two books like a certain blogger. But, Bella agrees to try.
Bella has some exciting mail to open, too. She's just been accepted to the prestigious University of Alaska Southeast! Go fighting...school that dismantled its athletic program in 1990? Not surprisingly though, it is a real school, because Meyer refuses to create her own towns/schools/anything.
Just as Bella and Charlie start a thrilling discussion on financial aid options, Edward arrives for his nightly visit. If you haven't been paying attention, Bella again tells us all about Edward. He's PERFECT. That's all you need to know. Edward has brought over more applications for Bella, targeting schools with either a) late admission or b) the ability to be bribed by the Cullen family's massive fortune. Meanwhile, Edward has been accepted to Syracuse (please don't sully my school's good name by dragging it into this book, Meyer!), Harvard and Dartmouth...but might very well turn down his Ivy League suitors to go to school with Bella instead. I mean, he's 108 or so, and he's probably gone to college a dozen times already, so he's willing to slum at UAS for a few years to make sure Bella doesn't accidentally kill herself out on the quad.
Bella lets it slip that she's not quite as grounded as before, and Edward suggests that maybe Bella can go on a shopping trip with Alice up in Seattle, which freaks Charlie the hell out. Remember, the not vampires who are killing people in Seattle? He's not happy with Bella heading up that way until the totally human gang is taken care of. Edward suggests Portland instead, and Charlie gives up.
Edward tries to make Bella fill out some more applications, but she refuses. I mean, she can't get into Dartmouth...at least without an absurdly large bribe, so she wants no part of even trying. Edward respects his girlfriend's decision by forging her handwriting and signature, and plans to send the application in anyway. Bella doesn't see why she should have to get accepted to more than one school, since she'll be losing her vampginity because school starts anyway. The relationship is as healthy as ever, folks!
Edward is not in a rush for Bella to become a newborn vampire. In fact, he's pretty sure that's what's behind the killings in Seattle. Who could have guessed? Bella, though, says she'll be fine, because they can live in Antarctica and eat penguins. Those poor penguins. :(
Boy, this chapter is long, and it is draaaaging. Bella feels bad about Jacob, and wants to go down to La Push to see him. However, Edward -- like any great and perfect boyfriend -- refuses to let Bella see her best friend under any circumstances. Edward sort of has a legitimate gripe though, in that he thinks that werewolves might accidentally kill Bella. Given Bella's ability to nearly kill herself regularly, adding another potential cause of death does seem foolhardy. But Jacob and his friends have never really seemed dangerous towards Bella, so Edward is being just a tad overprotective. But, Bella knows, he just needs time to change, because he's really a good guy underneath it all. Healthy.
Bella pleads her case, but Edward won't have it. Though she wants to help Jacob and make things right between them, Edward is convinced it's too dangerous, and that she cannot be allowed to choose her own friends. You see, he just loves her soooo much, that he'll have to physically prevent her from hanging out with her best friend when she wants to.
Who wouldn't love this guy?
The book begins with Jacob trying to write Bella a letter. He's having trouble finding the right words to say to his friend, a problem I've never, ever had. Of course, I usually decide on something better than:
Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn't change anything. Sorry.You see, Jacob can't be friends with Bella anymore, because she's dating a vampire. Did you know that vampires and werewolves don't really get along? If only they could find a mutual enemy that would bring them together as brothers and comrades!
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Jacob is hurt. Bella is hurt that Jacob is hurt. Charlie is hurt that Bella hasn't made dinner yet, and has resorted to cooking. He's comically bad at preparing food though, and has screwed dinner up badly. If you're keeping score, women are good at cooking, and men are good at motorcycles. There are no exceptions. Bella is double super grounded now, and the only time she can see Edward is for a couple hours each evening in the company of her father, which makes the fact that Dad's cooking for her (or trying to) even stranger.
But first, this news bulletin! There's a string of unsolved murders in Seattle that will in no way tie into the plot of this book! No sir, that was simply a little bit of depth being added to the book's universe. No vampire-related activities at all. Move along.
Anyway, Charlie made dinner to have a little negotiation session with his daughter. He's willing to allow her out of the house once in a while, as long as there's some time spent with non-vampires. Actually, Charlie's not even that specific; he just wants Bella to have friends other than Edward and Alice. In particular, one Jacob Black. Charlie doesn't understand that vampires and werewolves just don't get along, because nobody has bothered to explain it to him, and he wasn't forced into reading the first two books like a certain blogger. But, Bella agrees to try.
Bella has some exciting mail to open, too. She's just been accepted to the prestigious University of Alaska Southeast! Go fighting...school that dismantled its athletic program in 1990? Not surprisingly though, it is a real school, because Meyer refuses to create her own towns/schools/anything.
Just as Bella and Charlie start a thrilling discussion on financial aid options, Edward arrives for his nightly visit. If you haven't been paying attention, Bella again tells us all about Edward. He's PERFECT. That's all you need to know. Edward has brought over more applications for Bella, targeting schools with either a) late admission or b) the ability to be bribed by the Cullen family's massive fortune. Meanwhile, Edward has been accepted to Syracuse (please don't sully my school's good name by dragging it into this book, Meyer!), Harvard and Dartmouth...but might very well turn down his Ivy League suitors to go to school with Bella instead. I mean, he's 108 or so, and he's probably gone to college a dozen times already, so he's willing to slum at UAS for a few years to make sure Bella doesn't accidentally kill herself out on the quad.
Bella lets it slip that she's not quite as grounded as before, and Edward suggests that maybe Bella can go on a shopping trip with Alice up in Seattle, which freaks Charlie the hell out. Remember, the not vampires who are killing people in Seattle? He's not happy with Bella heading up that way until the totally human gang is taken care of. Edward suggests Portland instead, and Charlie gives up.
Edward tries to make Bella fill out some more applications, but she refuses. I mean, she can't get into Dartmouth...at least without an absurdly large bribe, so she wants no part of even trying. Edward respects his girlfriend's decision by forging her handwriting and signature, and plans to send the application in anyway. Bella doesn't see why she should have to get accepted to more than one school, since she'll be losing her vampginity because school starts anyway. The relationship is as healthy as ever, folks!
Edward is not in a rush for Bella to become a newborn vampire. In fact, he's pretty sure that's what's behind the killings in Seattle. Who could have guessed? Bella, though, says she'll be fine, because they can live in Antarctica and eat penguins. Those poor penguins. :(
Boy, this chapter is long, and it is draaaaging. Bella feels bad about Jacob, and wants to go down to La Push to see him. However, Edward -- like any great and perfect boyfriend -- refuses to let Bella see her best friend under any circumstances. Edward sort of has a legitimate gripe though, in that he thinks that werewolves might accidentally kill Bella. Given Bella's ability to nearly kill herself regularly, adding another potential cause of death does seem foolhardy. But Jacob and his friends have never really seemed dangerous towards Bella, so Edward is being just a tad overprotective. But, Bella knows, he just needs time to change, because he's really a good guy underneath it all. Healthy.
Bella pleads her case, but Edward won't have it. Though she wants to help Jacob and make things right between them, Edward is convinced it's too dangerous, and that she cannot be allowed to choose her own friends. You see, he just loves her soooo much, that he'll have to physically prevent her from hanging out with her best friend when she wants to.
Who wouldn't love this guy?
Thursday, April 22, 2010
New Moon in Review
As with my review of Twilight, this is going to be an honest and fair look at New Moon, the second book in the Twilight series. I have to say that Twilight wasn't quite as bad as I was fearing, and that while it was awful, there were a few redeeming characters and moments that at least made the experience bearable.
New Moon offered nothing of the sort. This was 563 pages of literary hell -- pure torture to read, and not even all that fun to write about. In my review of the first book, I mentioned that I could at least see how the target market might be attracted to the story, but in New Moon, I just can't see it. For 80% of the book, Bella walks around being mopey and complaining about how she'll never be the same now that Edward has left, refusing to even try to get over it or make something of her life. She's absolutely insufferable towards most of her friends, and downright cruel to her "best friend" Jacob, who was the real star of this book. Of the three leads, he's by far the most believably human -- yes, even more so than Bella, the actual human.
New Moon also continues the fine tradition of promoting unhealthy relationships, this time extending that into the realm of friendship as well. Bella constantly takes advantage of the fact that she knows Jacob has feelings for her, then gets mad at him whenever those feelings surface. Jacob isn't a saint either -- if you want to be someone's friend, it's probably best not to try to sabotage their relationships -- but at least he's honest about his feelings. Oh, and these two people are supposed to be best friends. Right.
But of course, this pales in comparison to the continuing saga of Bella and Edward. Bella is such an incomplete person -- I think it's because Stephenie Meyer never finished writing her -- that she can't have a life without Edward there. Her life revolves completely around him (to the point where she makes a planet/moon analogy to this effect), and when he leaves, she might as well cease to exist. Bella has a phenomenally low amount of self-esteem, constantly telling herself an anyone who will listen how Edward is way too good for her. Of course, Edward only hurt her for her own good, so we know Edward hasn't changed at all either. No need to consult your girlfriend on relationship decisions or anything. And if you like well-defined gender roles, this is the series for you! Bella basically says flat out that she can't understand motorcycles because she's a girl. Nice.
As for the plot, New Moon's isn't really very objectionable, to be honest. The biggest problem isn't what's in the plot, but the fact that the entirety of what happened in the novel could have reasonably been covered in just a few chapters. Edward leaves a shattered Bella behind, Jacob is a werewolf, werewolves hunt Edward, Bella saves Edward, the Volturi are bad dudes, Bella wants to become a vampire. Got it. Meyer turns that into over 500 pages by including lots of references to Bella clutching her hole, along with bouts of moping, fretting, and hallucinating. It would have been able to get through it much more easily if some of my favorite characters had stuck around, but most of the book takes place without Alice or any of the other interesting Cullens. This book is even more Bella-centric than the first, since she spends so much time alone; her and Edward are still the two worst characters in the novel, and the two that get the most written about them. At least Alice shows up for some awesomeness late in the book, but it's far too little, too late.
New Moon was far worse than Twilight. There's no real action, lots of Bella moping around doing nothing, and even the "drama" at the end is so ham-fisted and predictable that there's nothing dramatic about it at all. It's boring, banal, and just plain bad. Read at your own peril!
New Moon offered nothing of the sort. This was 563 pages of literary hell -- pure torture to read, and not even all that fun to write about. In my review of the first book, I mentioned that I could at least see how the target market might be attracted to the story, but in New Moon, I just can't see it. For 80% of the book, Bella walks around being mopey and complaining about how she'll never be the same now that Edward has left, refusing to even try to get over it or make something of her life. She's absolutely insufferable towards most of her friends, and downright cruel to her "best friend" Jacob, who was the real star of this book. Of the three leads, he's by far the most believably human -- yes, even more so than Bella, the actual human.
New Moon also continues the fine tradition of promoting unhealthy relationships, this time extending that into the realm of friendship as well. Bella constantly takes advantage of the fact that she knows Jacob has feelings for her, then gets mad at him whenever those feelings surface. Jacob isn't a saint either -- if you want to be someone's friend, it's probably best not to try to sabotage their relationships -- but at least he's honest about his feelings. Oh, and these two people are supposed to be best friends. Right.
But of course, this pales in comparison to the continuing saga of Bella and Edward. Bella is such an incomplete person -- I think it's because Stephenie Meyer never finished writing her -- that she can't have a life without Edward there. Her life revolves completely around him (to the point where she makes a planet/moon analogy to this effect), and when he leaves, she might as well cease to exist. Bella has a phenomenally low amount of self-esteem, constantly telling herself an anyone who will listen how Edward is way too good for her. Of course, Edward only hurt her for her own good, so we know Edward hasn't changed at all either. No need to consult your girlfriend on relationship decisions or anything. And if you like well-defined gender roles, this is the series for you! Bella basically says flat out that she can't understand motorcycles because she's a girl. Nice.
As for the plot, New Moon's isn't really very objectionable, to be honest. The biggest problem isn't what's in the plot, but the fact that the entirety of what happened in the novel could have reasonably been covered in just a few chapters. Edward leaves a shattered Bella behind, Jacob is a werewolf, werewolves hunt Edward, Bella saves Edward, the Volturi are bad dudes, Bella wants to become a vampire. Got it. Meyer turns that into over 500 pages by including lots of references to Bella clutching her hole, along with bouts of moping, fretting, and hallucinating. It would have been able to get through it much more easily if some of my favorite characters had stuck around, but most of the book takes place without Alice or any of the other interesting Cullens. This book is even more Bella-centric than the first, since she spends so much time alone; her and Edward are still the two worst characters in the novel, and the two that get the most written about them. At least Alice shows up for some awesomeness late in the book, but it's far too little, too late.
New Moon was far worse than Twilight. There's no real action, lots of Bella moping around doing nothing, and even the "drama" at the end is so ham-fisted and predictable that there's nothing dramatic about it at all. It's boring, banal, and just plain bad. Read at your own peril!
Epilogue: It's over, it's mercifully over!
Bella and the Cullens are back in school, and everything is back to normal for our heroine...except for the fact that she misses Jacob, a lot. He's her best friend, in so much that he won't answer her phone calls and she never sees him. Edward's okay with this for obvious reasons, but it's really bugging Bella, so Edward tries to give some reluctant insight into the situation.
Here goes: werewolves and vampires? They're not best friends. It's a secret that nobody had mentioned up until this point, but it's true. Jacob wants to keep a safe distance from Edward, and Edward feels the same way. In fact, Edward is worried that if things got heated, he might accidentally kill Jacob. Or at least hurt him. Or kill him. But he'd try not to. On purpose.
Then, out of nowhere, Jacob shows up at Bella's house! But it's not a friendly visit; he brings over Bella's bike, which is sure to piss off Charlie. I can't imagine why Charlie wouldn't want his klutzy daughter flying around the streets of Forks and La Push, but apparently, he doesn't trust her not to accidentally kill herself.
Before dealing with Charlie, it turns out that Jacob is still around and wants to speak with Edward -- in the role of pack spokeswolf. It turns out Jacob planned to get Bella grounded so that she couldn't spend time with Edward, not knowing that she was already grounded, and that was why she hadn't been down to visit lately. Oops. Also, Edward is telling Bella about Jacob's thoughts before he can even say them, which is slightly annoying.
Edward tries to make up for it though, thanking Jacob for keeping Bella alive in his absence. Edward means this sincerely, because he knows just how hard a job that is! Bella could have died in the middle of this conversation if neither of them were standing just a few feet away. Edward offers anything Jacob wants in return, but the only thing Jacob wants is for Edward to go far, far away, which Edward won't do unless Bella wants him to. Hint: she doesn't. People in these novels sure like to promise "anything" right before backing down from that immediately. Come on people, back up your promises!
Jacob is really there to remind Edward of some of the points in the Cullen-Quileute treaty. For instance, the Cullens aren't allowed to bite a human at all, even if they don't kill them. Edward reacts angrily, after which Jacob realizes what they must be planning...meaning he didn't know beforehand. Nicely done, Edward, way to spill the vampginity beans. Jacob almost loses it and wolfs out, but manages to hold on.
Just then, Charlie starts screaming. Bella's in trouble! Time for the supernatural brigade to scram, but not before they point out that Victoria hasn't been around since the whole Italy incident, and they fight over who gets to kill Victoria if/when she returns.
In summary: as the novel ends, Charlie is pissed, an evil vampire lady wants to kill Bella, her best friend doesn't want to talk to her, and the Volturi may also want to kill her in the not so distant future. But you see, everything is okay, because Edward is around to sparkle with her.
And...it's over. Finally! I'll write up a review of New Moon tomorrow. It won't be pretty. Then, it's on to Eclipse, book three of four...as Bon Jovi might say: woah, we're halfway there.
Here goes: werewolves and vampires? They're not best friends. It's a secret that nobody had mentioned up until this point, but it's true. Jacob wants to keep a safe distance from Edward, and Edward feels the same way. In fact, Edward is worried that if things got heated, he might accidentally kill Jacob. Or at least hurt him. Or kill him. But he'd try not to. On purpose.
Then, out of nowhere, Jacob shows up at Bella's house! But it's not a friendly visit; he brings over Bella's bike, which is sure to piss off Charlie. I can't imagine why Charlie wouldn't want his klutzy daughter flying around the streets of Forks and La Push, but apparently, he doesn't trust her not to accidentally kill herself.
Before dealing with Charlie, it turns out that Jacob is still around and wants to speak with Edward -- in the role of pack spokeswolf. It turns out Jacob planned to get Bella grounded so that she couldn't spend time with Edward, not knowing that she was already grounded, and that was why she hadn't been down to visit lately. Oops. Also, Edward is telling Bella about Jacob's thoughts before he can even say them, which is slightly annoying.
Edward tries to make up for it though, thanking Jacob for keeping Bella alive in his absence. Edward means this sincerely, because he knows just how hard a job that is! Bella could have died in the middle of this conversation if neither of them were standing just a few feet away. Edward offers anything Jacob wants in return, but the only thing Jacob wants is for Edward to go far, far away, which Edward won't do unless Bella wants him to. Hint: she doesn't. People in these novels sure like to promise "anything" right before backing down from that immediately. Come on people, back up your promises!
Jacob is really there to remind Edward of some of the points in the Cullen-Quileute treaty. For instance, the Cullens aren't allowed to bite a human at all, even if they don't kill them. Edward reacts angrily, after which Jacob realizes what they must be planning...meaning he didn't know beforehand. Nicely done, Edward, way to spill the vampginity beans. Jacob almost loses it and wolfs out, but manages to hold on.
Just then, Charlie starts screaming. Bella's in trouble! Time for the supernatural brigade to scram, but not before they point out that Victoria hasn't been around since the whole Italy incident, and they fight over who gets to kill Victoria if/when she returns.
In summary: as the novel ends, Charlie is pissed, an evil vampire lady wants to kill Bella, her best friend doesn't want to talk to her, and the Volturi may also want to kill her in the not so distant future. But you see, everything is okay, because Edward is around to sparkle with her.
And...it's over. Finally! I'll write up a review of New Moon tomorrow. It won't be pretty. Then, it's on to Eclipse, book three of four...as Bon Jovi might say: woah, we're halfway there.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Chapter Twenty-Four: Dewey beats Bella!
Edward and Bella head over to the Cullen estate, ready for a big vote on whether or not Bella gets to be a vampire. There is no way Bella wins this vote. I mean, if Edward were going to lose, he wouldn't have let Bella get the vote in the first place, and since Edward can see what his whole family is thinking, he must know he's going to win. It's in the bag!
It seems that Bella doesn't think she's good enough for Edward, and that she's still afraid he might leave. That's her biggest problem in the world. Her life is so hard. Funny story: Edward didn't take all of her Edward-related stuff; he just hid it under the floorboards of her room. Apparently, over the last year, she never bothered to check under there.
And then Bella tells Edward about Headward. Oh God. Edward is a little freaked out by this, but at this point, there's not really a graceful way to get out of the relationship. Plus, now he knows she might really off herself if he disappears again. He's stuck for at least a human lifetime, and that's if he wins this big vote.
But thinking back, Bella has an epiphany. She thinks about Edward, and comes to a startling conclusion: he loves her.
Wait, that counts as an epiphany? The thing he's been constantly telling you since about a week after you first met him? REALLY? Sigh. I'm skipping a few pages of this schlock.
Okay, so, a couple pages later, they reach Edward's house and get Carlisle to gather the family. Everyone gathers around the ironic dining room table and prepares to listen to the final debate before they head out to the polls. Edward seems fairly confident, so with his mind-reading abilities, I'm certain he'll win. Let's continue!
Bella's argument: the Volturi expect Bella to become a vampire. Now that the Cullens are caught up in this, they deserve to vote on her fate. She believes that making her a vampire will mollify the Volturi, making everyone's life easier and giving her exactly what she wants.
Edward's argument: the Volturi are overconfident; their tracker, Demetri, tracks people by following the "flavor" of their minds. Bella is immune to the vampires' mind abilities, and when Alice sees the Volturi coming, they can simply hide Bella until they leave. If the Volturi come after the Cullens for this, Edward is confident that he can take care of himself, which his brothers seem 100% behind, though the women in the family are less excited about this part of the plan.
Okay, Edward, not the best argument I've ever heard, and I'm concerned you may have lost a vote or two. But since you can READ MINDS AND SHOULD KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TO WIN OR NOT, I'm still expecting you to pull things out in a 4-3 squeaker.
Roll call time! Vote yea for Bella becoming a member of the family Cullen, and nay for her staying human.
Edward: NAY (Duh.)
Alice: YEA (Also duh -- Alice wants to take her vampginity herself.)
Jasper: YEA (Really?)
Rosalie: NAY (That a girl, Rosie. She says she would have stayed human if she had the choice.)
Emmett: YEA (Actually, "Hell, yes!" was how he put it.)
Esme: YEA (Bella's already a member of her family as far as she's concerned.)
This may be the biggest electoral upset in world history! Bella has already clinched a majority with one vote to spare.
But wait, this isn't a democracy -- it's a vamptatorship. The only vote that really matters is Carlisle's. So as long as he votes the right way...
Carlisle: YEA
My god, Bella won something! This is incredible! Carlisle reasons that her becoming a vampire is the only way that makes sense if Edward and Bella are going to have a relationship that will work long term.
So, Bella, always one to win gracefully, asks Alice if they can do it immediately. Really Bella? Don't want to take a few days to get ready first? Maybe say goodbye to Mom and Dad? No?
Edward freaks out, understandably. Alice does too, because she's not ready to take Bella's vampginity; she's afraid she'd kill the poor girl instead. So Bella asks Carlisle to do it instead. He gives a very stoic answer: he's able to do it without killing her.
Edward makes one last argument, however; there's no reason for it to be done right away. For instance, Bella might not want to suddenly disappear from the world without getting some sort of closure with her family or Jacob. And she might want to finish high school first, if for no other reason then to not garner suspicion about Bella and the Cullens suddenly disappearing. A compromise is reached: Carlisle will take Bella's vampginity only after graduation. It's a little creepy that Edward's DAD is going to do it to his girlfriend, but at least she'll be happy (and presumably, a lot less clumsy).
Bella needs to get home before Charlie notices she snuck out in the middle of the night, so Edward takes her back. When they get Bella back into bed, Edward again tries to play Let's Make a Deal, though his bargaining position leaves a lot to be desired. He does have one ace in the hole: Bella would really like it more if Edward could do it rather than his adopted father. So, Edward asks what she's willing to trade in exchange for the privilege of his venom.
Five years? No. Three years? No.
Bella counters with six months, which Edward balks at. When Bella won't even give him two years -- god forbid Bella have to reach the horrid, elderly age of 20! -- he comes up with a new condition: Bella has to marry him first. Definitely no allegory here, folks.
Charlie wakes up and comes to see Bella, while Edward does the adult thing and hides in the closet. Charlie's pissed off that his daughter disappeared for a few days, but somehow Bella comes out as the defiant one, threatening to move out if he tries to send her to Florida to live with mom and the minor league washout. She also comes up with a story...sort of. She says it was an emergency, and a "he said, she said" that got out of control. It's all very flimsy, but Charlie doesn't want to deal with a teenage romance any more than I do, so he just forbids her from dating Edward and leaves it at that. Of course, Bella just threatens to move out and live with Edward...again. It's her only move, but it's a good one!
And so, Charlie backs down a little. Bella's still grounded, and the Edward situation is tabled for later discussion. After he leaves the room, Bella points out to Edward (who comes out of the closet...hehe) that if Charlie did throw her out, there'd be no reason to wait to become a vampire. Edward doesn't want Bella to lose her soul so quickly, but Bella points out that even he thinks Carlisle might be right, that Good Vampires Go To Heaven.
And with that, New Moon is over. Except for the Epilogue...
It seems that Bella doesn't think she's good enough for Edward, and that she's still afraid he might leave. That's her biggest problem in the world. Her life is so hard. Funny story: Edward didn't take all of her Edward-related stuff; he just hid it under the floorboards of her room. Apparently, over the last year, she never bothered to check under there.
And then Bella tells Edward about Headward. Oh God. Edward is a little freaked out by this, but at this point, there's not really a graceful way to get out of the relationship. Plus, now he knows she might really off herself if he disappears again. He's stuck for at least a human lifetime, and that's if he wins this big vote.
But thinking back, Bella has an epiphany. She thinks about Edward, and comes to a startling conclusion: he loves her.
Wait, that counts as an epiphany? The thing he's been constantly telling you since about a week after you first met him? REALLY? Sigh. I'm skipping a few pages of this schlock.
Okay, so, a couple pages later, they reach Edward's house and get Carlisle to gather the family. Everyone gathers around the ironic dining room table and prepares to listen to the final debate before they head out to the polls. Edward seems fairly confident, so with his mind-reading abilities, I'm certain he'll win. Let's continue!
Bella's argument: the Volturi expect Bella to become a vampire. Now that the Cullens are caught up in this, they deserve to vote on her fate. She believes that making her a vampire will mollify the Volturi, making everyone's life easier and giving her exactly what she wants.
Edward's argument: the Volturi are overconfident; their tracker, Demetri, tracks people by following the "flavor" of their minds. Bella is immune to the vampires' mind abilities, and when Alice sees the Volturi coming, they can simply hide Bella until they leave. If the Volturi come after the Cullens for this, Edward is confident that he can take care of himself, which his brothers seem 100% behind, though the women in the family are less excited about this part of the plan.
Okay, Edward, not the best argument I've ever heard, and I'm concerned you may have lost a vote or two. But since you can READ MINDS AND SHOULD KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TO WIN OR NOT, I'm still expecting you to pull things out in a 4-3 squeaker.
Roll call time! Vote yea for Bella becoming a member of the family Cullen, and nay for her staying human.
Edward: NAY (Duh.)
Alice: YEA (Also duh -- Alice wants to take her vampginity herself.)
Jasper: YEA (Really?)
Rosalie: NAY (That a girl, Rosie. She says she would have stayed human if she had the choice.)
Emmett: YEA (Actually, "Hell, yes!" was how he put it.)
Esme: YEA (Bella's already a member of her family as far as she's concerned.)
This may be the biggest electoral upset in world history! Bella has already clinched a majority with one vote to spare.
But wait, this isn't a democracy -- it's a vamptatorship. The only vote that really matters is Carlisle's. So as long as he votes the right way...
Carlisle: YEA
My god, Bella won something! This is incredible! Carlisle reasons that her becoming a vampire is the only way that makes sense if Edward and Bella are going to have a relationship that will work long term.
So, Bella, always one to win gracefully, asks Alice if they can do it immediately. Really Bella? Don't want to take a few days to get ready first? Maybe say goodbye to Mom and Dad? No?
Edward freaks out, understandably. Alice does too, because she's not ready to take Bella's vampginity; she's afraid she'd kill the poor girl instead. So Bella asks Carlisle to do it instead. He gives a very stoic answer: he's able to do it without killing her.
Edward makes one last argument, however; there's no reason for it to be done right away. For instance, Bella might not want to suddenly disappear from the world without getting some sort of closure with her family or Jacob. And she might want to finish high school first, if for no other reason then to not garner suspicion about Bella and the Cullens suddenly disappearing. A compromise is reached: Carlisle will take Bella's vampginity only after graduation. It's a little creepy that Edward's DAD is going to do it to his girlfriend, but at least she'll be happy (and presumably, a lot less clumsy).
Bella needs to get home before Charlie notices she snuck out in the middle of the night, so Edward takes her back. When they get Bella back into bed, Edward again tries to play Let's Make a Deal, though his bargaining position leaves a lot to be desired. He does have one ace in the hole: Bella would really like it more if Edward could do it rather than his adopted father. So, Edward asks what she's willing to trade in exchange for the privilege of his venom.
Five years? No. Three years? No.
Bella counters with six months, which Edward balks at. When Bella won't even give him two years -- god forbid Bella have to reach the horrid, elderly age of 20! -- he comes up with a new condition: Bella has to marry him first. Definitely no allegory here, folks.
Charlie wakes up and comes to see Bella, while Edward does the adult thing and hides in the closet. Charlie's pissed off that his daughter disappeared for a few days, but somehow Bella comes out as the defiant one, threatening to move out if he tries to send her to Florida to live with mom and the minor league washout. She also comes up with a story...sort of. She says it was an emergency, and a "he said, she said" that got out of control. It's all very flimsy, but Charlie doesn't want to deal with a teenage romance any more than I do, so he just forbids her from dating Edward and leaves it at that. Of course, Bella just threatens to move out and live with Edward...again. It's her only move, but it's a good one!
And so, Charlie backs down a little. Bella's still grounded, and the Edward situation is tabled for later discussion. After he leaves the room, Bella points out to Edward (who comes out of the closet...hehe) that if Charlie did throw her out, there'd be no reason to wait to become a vampire. Edward doesn't want Bella to lose her soul so quickly, but Bella points out that even he thinks Carlisle might be right, that Good Vampires Go To Heaven.
And with that, New Moon is over. Except for the Epilogue...
Chapter Twenty-Three: I don't want to turn thirty either, Bella, but this is ridiculous.
Bella has jet lag, and sleeps in for a while now that she's back in Forks. She has lots of dreams and nightmares, and might have slept a little too long, because she thinks she's being delusional. Now, it's true that she's probably delusional about a lot of things, but her precious sparklepire is definitely there in the flesh, and she's awake at one in the morning.
So, pressing matters: Bella needs to come up with a story to tell Charlie to explain why she was in Italy for three days. They've got nothing. How about "Edward was suicidal and his family thought he would feel better if he saw me?" That's got the advantage of not even being a lie.
Edward fills Bella in on what he's been up to for the last year or so. Turns out there's something Edward isn't good at -- really, I'm as shocked as you are -- and it's tracking. He's been failing badly at keeping track of what Victoria's up to, and was shocked to find that Bella would turn to yucky werewolves to protect her (remember how vampires and werewolves don't like each other? Just checking!).
He feels just awful about putting Bella's life in danger like that, so Bella feels the need to apologize. Edward doesn't need to feel guilty, she says, because none of this is his fault: she's just the world's worst klutz and makes horrible decisions all the time. She's putting herself in danger just by getting out of bed each morning, and there's nothing Edward can do to change that.
Edward stops her there. It's not that he doesn't feel guilty, but he was really more upset over the fact that, you know, he thought she was dead. Bella doesn't seem to get that Edward would be sad if she were dead. No offense, Bella, but even if Edward were entirely serious about what he had said when he broke up with you, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like you being dead.
And guess what? In the most shocking plot twist since it turned out that there were more words printed on the next page after I had turned the previous one, Edward -- get this -- was LYING! No way! He's actually super-duper in love with Bella! He's just a good liar (no, you're really not, Edward -- your girlfriend is an idiot) who wanted to make a clean break when he was sure he had to leave for her own good. Again, this is a totally healthy relationship. No issues here.
Edward is actually kind of shocked that Bella believed him, considering he told her he loved her about a million times in the months before he left. That makes two of us. Bella then spends a couple pages doubting how Edward could ever love her (very rational, given what we know about Bella), then saying that he loves him too, and then they kiss, and Bella gets dizzy again. At least she didn't faint this time.
So, Edward isn't going anywhere, they're going to be happy together, and he'll never leave again. In fact, it was hard for him not to come back to her earlier, and it probably wouldn't have been long before he had, because while he may be an immortal sparkle god, he's too weak to stick by his decisions. He uses some very mushy metaphors to describe how important she is to him, which confuses her, because that's how she thinks Edward has changed her life instead.
Okay, Bella, let's have a talk. This is how good relationships work. See, while he's (supposedly) making your life wonderful, you're (apparently) doing the same thing for him. Why do you think he sticks around? You get this, right Bella? Right? We'll work on this some more next book, I promise.
Edward vows to hunt down Victoria, which freaks Bella out. But no matter how much she forbids it, he's determined to kill Victoria before she comes after his girlfriend. Bella's going to have to learn something: there's a reason Edward, Jacob, and all of their male friends and relatives are ready to fight evil supernatural creatures to protect her -- it's what guys do! Even more so if you're a supernatural guy with magic powers. Don't worry Bella, I'm sure you'll eventually understand this too. You have a lot of things to work on, but that next book has a lot of pages in it.
Bella, though, says she has bigger problems than Victoria. Edward guesses werewolves -- nope. It's the Volturi, though Edward thinks that it'll take them a long time before they come for a visit; they're so ancient that time works on a different scale for them. It might not be until Bella's 30. And OLD.
This makes Bella sad. How can she be a withering old husk of thirty? It's simply not fair that she has to live to be an -- ugh -- young adult! Edward is committed to letting her have a full, human life. And then, apparently, killing himself soon after she dies so he can be with her again, which Bella rightly thinks is sick and disturbing. Healthy relationship, everyone!
Edward has a plan to keep the Volturi away from Bella, plans that involve Bella staying human. I'm sure Edward's plans will definitely fool the world's most powerful group of ancient vampires who do these sorts of things for a living (an undeading?), because Edward's plans have worked flawlessly up until this point against much lesser opposition. Plus, he's working with Bella, and we know she's a horse you want to bet on!
Bella is pissed that she's going to have to be a human being. What a curse, having a soul and all that. So she's got some plans of her own; she wants the Cullens to have some say in what happens. It's time for Vampire Decision 2010! The whole Cullen family is going to vote on Bella's mortality -- will they take her vampginity or not?
Personally, I'm rooting for a surprise win by "Let's Just Eat Bella." Vote third party!
So, pressing matters: Bella needs to come up with a story to tell Charlie to explain why she was in Italy for three days. They've got nothing. How about "Edward was suicidal and his family thought he would feel better if he saw me?" That's got the advantage of not even being a lie.
Edward fills Bella in on what he's been up to for the last year or so. Turns out there's something Edward isn't good at -- really, I'm as shocked as you are -- and it's tracking. He's been failing badly at keeping track of what Victoria's up to, and was shocked to find that Bella would turn to yucky werewolves to protect her (remember how vampires and werewolves don't like each other? Just checking!).
He feels just awful about putting Bella's life in danger like that, so Bella feels the need to apologize. Edward doesn't need to feel guilty, she says, because none of this is his fault: she's just the world's worst klutz and makes horrible decisions all the time. She's putting herself in danger just by getting out of bed each morning, and there's nothing Edward can do to change that.
Edward stops her there. It's not that he doesn't feel guilty, but he was really more upset over the fact that, you know, he thought she was dead. Bella doesn't seem to get that Edward would be sad if she were dead. No offense, Bella, but even if Edward were entirely serious about what he had said when he broke up with you, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like you being dead.
And guess what? In the most shocking plot twist since it turned out that there were more words printed on the next page after I had turned the previous one, Edward -- get this -- was LYING! No way! He's actually super-duper in love with Bella! He's just a good liar (no, you're really not, Edward -- your girlfriend is an idiot) who wanted to make a clean break when he was sure he had to leave for her own good. Again, this is a totally healthy relationship. No issues here.
Edward is actually kind of shocked that Bella believed him, considering he told her he loved her about a million times in the months before he left. That makes two of us. Bella then spends a couple pages doubting how Edward could ever love her (very rational, given what we know about Bella), then saying that he loves him too, and then they kiss, and Bella gets dizzy again. At least she didn't faint this time.
So, Edward isn't going anywhere, they're going to be happy together, and he'll never leave again. In fact, it was hard for him not to come back to her earlier, and it probably wouldn't have been long before he had, because while he may be an immortal sparkle god, he's too weak to stick by his decisions. He uses some very mushy metaphors to describe how important she is to him, which confuses her, because that's how she thinks Edward has changed her life instead.
Okay, Bella, let's have a talk. This is how good relationships work. See, while he's (supposedly) making your life wonderful, you're (apparently) doing the same thing for him. Why do you think he sticks around? You get this, right Bella? Right? We'll work on this some more next book, I promise.
Edward vows to hunt down Victoria, which freaks Bella out. But no matter how much she forbids it, he's determined to kill Victoria before she comes after his girlfriend. Bella's going to have to learn something: there's a reason Edward, Jacob, and all of their male friends and relatives are ready to fight evil supernatural creatures to protect her -- it's what guys do! Even more so if you're a supernatural guy with magic powers. Don't worry Bella, I'm sure you'll eventually understand this too. You have a lot of things to work on, but that next book has a lot of pages in it.
Bella, though, says she has bigger problems than Victoria. Edward guesses werewolves -- nope. It's the Volturi, though Edward thinks that it'll take them a long time before they come for a visit; they're so ancient that time works on a different scale for them. It might not be until Bella's 30. And OLD.
This makes Bella sad. How can she be a withering old husk of thirty? It's simply not fair that she has to live to be an -- ugh -- young adult! Edward is committed to letting her have a full, human life. And then, apparently, killing himself soon after she dies so he can be with her again, which Bella rightly thinks is sick and disturbing. Healthy relationship, everyone!
Edward has a plan to keep the Volturi away from Bella, plans that involve Bella staying human. I'm sure Edward's plans will definitely fool the world's most powerful group of ancient vampires who do these sorts of things for a living (an undeading?), because Edward's plans have worked flawlessly up until this point against much lesser opposition. Plus, he's working with Bella, and we know she's a horse you want to bet on!
Bella is pissed that she's going to have to be a human being. What a curse, having a soul and all that. So she's got some plans of her own; she wants the Cullens to have some say in what happens. It's time for Vampire Decision 2010! The whole Cullen family is going to vote on Bella's mortality -- will they take her vampginity or not?
Personally, I'm rooting for a surprise win by "Let's Just Eat Bella." Vote third party!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Chapter Twenty-Two: There are some words on these pages.
So, here's everything you need to know about this chapter, really.
- Bella is sad that people are eaten by vampires.
- The secretary knows people are eaten by vampires, but hopes they'll someday take her vampginity rather than having her for dinner.
- Bella is happy to be in the company of her sparkle god again.
- Alice likes stealing cars, and wants her own 911 Turbo.
- They fly back to Forks.
- Rosalie is sorry.
- Bella is sleepy.
- Charlie is angry.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Chapter Twenty-One: If you hate tourists, you'll love the Volturi.
So, our heroes head down below Volterra with their Volturi hosts, though lots of boring hallways and doors and shit, until they get to...an elevator? At least once they're away from prying eyes, it seems the Volturi like their modern amenities. The elevator takes them down into the Volturi's office space, complete with secretary.
A human, secretary, much to Bella's chagrin. To be fair, the secretary is very good at her job -- businesslike and courteous, never misplaces a message, and she never even asks to eat any leftover human when the Volturi are done.
There's a bit more walking through places, and then they get to the big main chamber where the Volturi hang out, including their founder and CEO, Aro. He's very happy to see everyone, and even knows Bella by name. It turns out that Aro has an ability that's slightly different than Edward's; he needs to touch someone to use it, but once he does, he gets to hear every thought you've ever had. Yes, even THAT thought. Oh, you know the one. HE KNOWS.
Marcus and Caius, the other bigwigs at Volturi, Inc., step in to meet their guests. They're less interested, but given that there's a board meeting going on, they have to be there. Work sucks, even when you're a vampire. Aro does most of the talking; the others just hang out and yawn a bit in the background. It could also be that they're just so old that they're fed up with Aro's bullshit after all these years, but it's the kind of thing you can't say in the middle of a meeting.
Anyway, Aro wants to know how Edward manages not to eat Bella. Aro misses Carlisle, who also didn't eat people, but is even more impressed by Edward, because he can see just how appetizing her blood is to Edward. Even though he never thought Carlisle would be successful, and will probably lose a few bets with the other sparklepires, he's happy to see that he was successful in finding vampires who didn't like brutally murdering people.
Aro is very curious about something else, too. Will Bella's magic anti-mind reading abilities work again Aro too? Sure enough, he can't drain Bella's mind of thoughts any more than Edward can read them.
And then he asks Jane to test too. Jane's ability is a little more awesome than any of the others we've seen so far. With her thoughts alone, she can put others through incredible agony -- enough to force Edward to the floor in pain just by smiling at him. I like you, Jane! And yet, when she tries it on Bella, it doesn't work.
So, if you're keeping score at home...
Edward: The Perfect Sparklepire.
Jacob: The Edward of Werewolves.
Bella: The Edward of Humans.
And they're all living in the same town, what are the odds?
Now it's time to get down to business. Aro wants Edward and Alice to join the Volturi; after all, their gifts aren't totally lame, and might actually come in handy in those rare cases where unbearable pain isn't the answer. Then he asks Bella; after all, her talent for not letting people into her head will only get stronger when she loses her vampginity, so why not have her on their side?
Of course, Bella says no, much to Aro's chagrin. Aro's a pretty nice guy for being 3,000 years old though, so he's not going to kill anyone. Caius disagrees; since Bella is a human and knows their secrets, he's ready to end things there and then, unless one of two things happens: Edward is willing to eat her should she betray them, or they intend to turn Bella into a sparklepire eventually. Edward doesn't exactly say no, but he's hesitant to say yes; he'd really have to mean it, or Aro would know by reading his thoughts.
But with Edward debating what to do, Alice becomes awesome and walks up to Aro, giving him her hand. She, as you may recall, already intends to help Bella lose her vampginity, so she can give Aro the reassurances he needs. Alice can even show him what she's seen in the future -- like Bella being a vampire. Alice is the best.
Anywho, Edward asks if they're free to go now, and Aro gives his blessing. He even asks them to come again, especially if they've collected enough frequent biter miles to earn a free trip. Caius promises to visit Forks, because he's heard that Newton's Sporting Goods is the place to go for a tent, and he really needs one. Oh, and to make sure Bella's a vampire and all that too.
With Heidi (presumably, another vampire) nearly ready to return with dinner, Edward asks if they can leave. You wouldn't want accidents to happen, resulting in someone having a Bella chaser after dessert. They have to wait below ground until dark, but they're welcome to leave the big scary room.
Edward, Alice and Bella leave with an escort, and that could easily have been the end of the chapter. But in her infinite wisdom, Stephenie Meyer allowed the chapter to go on for two more pages -- two of my favorite in the whole series so far. See, on their way out, Bella and the gang pass by forty or so tourists being led by Heidi, a hot vampire in a skimpy outfit that is leading the tour group on their last trip ever. Some of them are pretty clueless, and are still taking pictures; others, who are not such idiots, realize that maybe something is wrong now that they're way underground and surrounded by scary dead-looking people. As Bella and Edward run from the room, they hear the screams of the tourists getting the crap eaten out of them back in Aro's board room.
Fucking tourists. They had it coming.
A human, secretary, much to Bella's chagrin. To be fair, the secretary is very good at her job -- businesslike and courteous, never misplaces a message, and she never even asks to eat any leftover human when the Volturi are done.
There's a bit more walking through places, and then they get to the big main chamber where the Volturi hang out, including their founder and CEO, Aro. He's very happy to see everyone, and even knows Bella by name. It turns out that Aro has an ability that's slightly different than Edward's; he needs to touch someone to use it, but once he does, he gets to hear every thought you've ever had. Yes, even THAT thought. Oh, you know the one. HE KNOWS.
Marcus and Caius, the other bigwigs at Volturi, Inc., step in to meet their guests. They're less interested, but given that there's a board meeting going on, they have to be there. Work sucks, even when you're a vampire. Aro does most of the talking; the others just hang out and yawn a bit in the background. It could also be that they're just so old that they're fed up with Aro's bullshit after all these years, but it's the kind of thing you can't say in the middle of a meeting.
Anyway, Aro wants to know how Edward manages not to eat Bella. Aro misses Carlisle, who also didn't eat people, but is even more impressed by Edward, because he can see just how appetizing her blood is to Edward. Even though he never thought Carlisle would be successful, and will probably lose a few bets with the other sparklepires, he's happy to see that he was successful in finding vampires who didn't like brutally murdering people.
Aro is very curious about something else, too. Will Bella's magic anti-mind reading abilities work again Aro too? Sure enough, he can't drain Bella's mind of thoughts any more than Edward can read them.
And then he asks Jane to test too. Jane's ability is a little more awesome than any of the others we've seen so far. With her thoughts alone, she can put others through incredible agony -- enough to force Edward to the floor in pain just by smiling at him. I like you, Jane! And yet, when she tries it on Bella, it doesn't work.
So, if you're keeping score at home...
Edward: The Perfect Sparklepire.
Jacob: The Edward of Werewolves.
Bella: The Edward of Humans.
And they're all living in the same town, what are the odds?
Now it's time to get down to business. Aro wants Edward and Alice to join the Volturi; after all, their gifts aren't totally lame, and might actually come in handy in those rare cases where unbearable pain isn't the answer. Then he asks Bella; after all, her talent for not letting people into her head will only get stronger when she loses her vampginity, so why not have her on their side?
Of course, Bella says no, much to Aro's chagrin. Aro's a pretty nice guy for being 3,000 years old though, so he's not going to kill anyone. Caius disagrees; since Bella is a human and knows their secrets, he's ready to end things there and then, unless one of two things happens: Edward is willing to eat her should she betray them, or they intend to turn Bella into a sparklepire eventually. Edward doesn't exactly say no, but he's hesitant to say yes; he'd really have to mean it, or Aro would know by reading his thoughts.
But with Edward debating what to do, Alice becomes awesome and walks up to Aro, giving him her hand. She, as you may recall, already intends to help Bella lose her vampginity, so she can give Aro the reassurances he needs. Alice can even show him what she's seen in the future -- like Bella being a vampire. Alice is the best.
Anywho, Edward asks if they're free to go now, and Aro gives his blessing. He even asks them to come again, especially if they've collected enough frequent biter miles to earn a free trip. Caius promises to visit Forks, because he's heard that Newton's Sporting Goods is the place to go for a tent, and he really needs one. Oh, and to make sure Bella's a vampire and all that too.
With Heidi (presumably, another vampire) nearly ready to return with dinner, Edward asks if they can leave. You wouldn't want accidents to happen, resulting in someone having a Bella chaser after dessert. They have to wait below ground until dark, but they're welcome to leave the big scary room.
Edward, Alice and Bella leave with an escort, and that could easily have been the end of the chapter. But in her infinite wisdom, Stephenie Meyer allowed the chapter to go on for two more pages -- two of my favorite in the whole series so far. See, on their way out, Bella and the gang pass by forty or so tourists being led by Heidi, a hot vampire in a skimpy outfit that is leading the tour group on their last trip ever. Some of them are pretty clueless, and are still taking pictures; others, who are not such idiots, realize that maybe something is wrong now that they're way underground and surrounded by scary dead-looking people. As Bella and Edward run from the room, they hear the screams of the tourists getting the crap eaten out of them back in Aro's board room.
Fucking tourists. They had it coming.
Chapter Twenty: It's all about the Grovers, baby.
Bella and Alice race into Volterra, but can't get there too fast; unless Bella reaches Edward just seconds before he gets himself killed, there won't be enough drama to make teenage girls cry about the possible death of their beloved sparklepire. Alice reminds Bella that she needs to run for Palazzo dei Priori, because Edward will be making his grand appearance there right under the clock tower.
Reaching the town gates, Alice attempts to bribe the guard who isn't letting cars into the city during the big festival. Alice bribes him with a roll of thousand dollar bills.
That's right, thousand dollar bills! With the help of Wikipedia, I learned a bit about these guys. They feature Grover Cleveland's picture on them, and were last printed in 1945, along with other even more absurdly large bills. There are still over 165,000 $1,000 bills in circulation. Apparently the Cullens own approximately half of them, since they're happy to give big clumps of them away in Italy. How did those get through customs, anyway?
So, yeah, the guard lets them through. Alice gets as close as she can confidently go without tripping off Edward's mind detector, and has Bella run from there. She has two minutes -- what drama! Let's add some more: Alice notices that the Volturi are everywhere! Anything could happen, as long as anything include "Bella stopping Edward at the last second."
Bella runs. Her love for Edward is so strong that she doesn't even trip of anything. Oh, she runs into a fountain in the middle of the plaza, but still -- for her, the bruise she sustains is an impressively minor injury. She runs across the pool (never falling...the truest love ever, indeed!).
And now the chiming of the clock starts. It's noon! "Wow," thought Stephenie Meyer as she wrote this passage, "this will be amazing in the movie." The clock chimes once per paragraph, with Bella performing about 15-60 seconds worth of actions between each chime. Are we sure Alice didn't turn her into a vampire already?
When Bella finally sees Edward -- you mean she did get there in time? How incredible! -- he's even more beautiful than ever, blah blah blah, godly sparklepire, and so forth. And wouldn't you know it, even though he doesn't see or hear her, she runs into him at the EXACT MOMENT he lifts his foot to move into the sun.
And as soon as she touches Edward, she's happy and whole again. Yes, Edward instantly fills every single one of Bella's holes, in that special way that only vampires can. I promise, that's the last hole joke ever! Probably.
Up until this point, Edward has been a pretty smart guy. I mean, he's a creepy old manpire, but you do learn a thing or two over 100 years. And yet, for some reason, his first assumption is that he's died and gone to Heaven to live with Bella forever and ever. Or possibly Hell. Whatever.
Of course, when Bella points out that there are really old and dangerous vampires around, Edward snaps out of it. Sure enough, a couple of the Volturi arrive on scene instantly. Edward makes a few pithy comments to them, but they insist on having a chat with Edward in a less sunny location. Edward tries to leave Bella behind, but she's a guest of honor at this little party. When Edward refuses to agree to take Bella with them to this meeting, the Volturi take the only reasonable course of action -- kill Edward immediately, of course!
Once again, with the best of timing, Alice shows up to even the odds. With the parties seemingly at an impasse, and nearby humans beginning to notice that something weird is going on, it appears that the Cullen party might be able to make a hasty exit...until a little girl-pire shows up. Her name is Jane, and for some reason, all the others -- including Edward and Alice -- do whatever she wants without putting up the least resistance.
Jane asks everyone to follow her, and the group heads underground. They're headed to the headquarters of the Volturi, where some stuff is going to happen. But first, there's about five full pages of them walking there that I'm skipping to get to the end of the chapter. You can thank me later!
Reaching the town gates, Alice attempts to bribe the guard who isn't letting cars into the city during the big festival. Alice bribes him with a roll of thousand dollar bills.
That's right, thousand dollar bills! With the help of Wikipedia, I learned a bit about these guys. They feature Grover Cleveland's picture on them, and were last printed in 1945, along with other even more absurdly large bills. There are still over 165,000 $1,000 bills in circulation. Apparently the Cullens own approximately half of them, since they're happy to give big clumps of them away in Italy. How did those get through customs, anyway?
So, yeah, the guard lets them through. Alice gets as close as she can confidently go without tripping off Edward's mind detector, and has Bella run from there. She has two minutes -- what drama! Let's add some more: Alice notices that the Volturi are everywhere! Anything could happen, as long as anything include "Bella stopping Edward at the last second."
Bella runs. Her love for Edward is so strong that she doesn't even trip of anything. Oh, she runs into a fountain in the middle of the plaza, but still -- for her, the bruise she sustains is an impressively minor injury. She runs across the pool (never falling...the truest love ever, indeed!).
And now the chiming of the clock starts. It's noon! "Wow," thought Stephenie Meyer as she wrote this passage, "this will be amazing in the movie." The clock chimes once per paragraph, with Bella performing about 15-60 seconds worth of actions between each chime. Are we sure Alice didn't turn her into a vampire already?
When Bella finally sees Edward -- you mean she did get there in time? How incredible! -- he's even more beautiful than ever, blah blah blah, godly sparklepire, and so forth. And wouldn't you know it, even though he doesn't see or hear her, she runs into him at the EXACT MOMENT he lifts his foot to move into the sun.
And as soon as she touches Edward, she's happy and whole again. Yes, Edward instantly fills every single one of Bella's holes, in that special way that only vampires can. I promise, that's the last hole joke ever! Probably.
Up until this point, Edward has been a pretty smart guy. I mean, he's a creepy old manpire, but you do learn a thing or two over 100 years. And yet, for some reason, his first assumption is that he's died and gone to Heaven to live with Bella forever and ever. Or possibly Hell. Whatever.
Of course, when Bella points out that there are really old and dangerous vampires around, Edward snaps out of it. Sure enough, a couple of the Volturi arrive on scene instantly. Edward makes a few pithy comments to them, but they insist on having a chat with Edward in a less sunny location. Edward tries to leave Bella behind, but she's a guest of honor at this little party. When Edward refuses to agree to take Bella with them to this meeting, the Volturi take the only reasonable course of action -- kill Edward immediately, of course!
Once again, with the best of timing, Alice shows up to even the odds. With the parties seemingly at an impasse, and nearby humans beginning to notice that something weird is going on, it appears that the Cullen party might be able to make a hasty exit...until a little girl-pire shows up. Her name is Jane, and for some reason, all the others -- including Edward and Alice -- do whatever she wants without putting up the least resistance.
Jane asks everyone to follow her, and the group heads underground. They're headed to the headquarters of the Volturi, where some stuff is going to happen. But first, there's about five full pages of them walking there that I'm skipping to get to the end of the chapter. You can thank me later!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Chapter Nineteen: If the plane sparkled, it would be even faster.
Since planes are faster than vampires (more on this in a second), Alice and Bella head for Italy by air. Unfortunately, a giant ash cloud over most of Europe means they can't get their connection at De Gaulle, and Edward kills himself well before they can reach the Volturi.
Just kidding - they anticipated this and took a flight that avoided the volcano's path; Going Seattle to New York to Cairo to Rome was time consuming, but well worth the wait.
Just kidding again, since Twilight wasn't ripped from today's headlines. By the way, I was thinking about just how fast vampires are. We know that Edward is particularly fast, and that when he takes Bella to the meadow, he takes about five minutes to travel over five miles. Even with Bella on his back, he's moving at about 60 MPH. At that pace, he's still around the same speed as the rest of his family, and Bella isn't slowing him down that much, so I guess he probably hits 70-80 , maybe 90 under carefully controlled conditions. So liking fast cars makes sense, since (unless there's a great shortcut you can take by foot), it's still faster to travel in them than with your vampire speed.
Anyway, Alice makes some calls to call off all the Cullen dogs. She knows that the minute Edward senses one of them approaching, he'll find a way to get himself killed immediately. They also have no chance of outfighting the Volturi to save him. The only person who can get close without setting off his alarm bells is Bella -- with the added benefit that seeing her will probably prove to Edward that she's not dead.
Bella and Alice discuss all of this on the plane. Nobody is listening, but that still seems a little careless to me. Bella wants to know more about the Volturi, which means Alice can pass the first few hours of the plane ride with some lengthy exposition. So, it's rare for lots of vampires to live together -- they mostly travel alone or with a mate/life partner. The Cullens are, in fact, the second biggest group of vampires in the world (to the best of Alice's knowledge), with the exception of the Volturi. There are five family members (all over 3,000 years old), along with nine permanent guards and a larger number of temp-pires.
With that kind of power, nobody screws with the Volturi -- they really are treated like royalty in the vampire world. They take that position seriously, aggressively enforcing the only rule of Vampire Club - you do not talk about Vampire Club. Sometimes someone goes crazy or gets bored, and they threaten to make the secret sparkle society public, so the Volturi step in and put them down before it's too late.
Edward is actually headed to them to request death, which is odd; there aren't many suicidal vampires out there. There's only one chance to save him; hopefully, the Volturi won't honor his request, and then he'll decide to be overly theatrical in his method of forcing their hand. Maybe this will give them just enough time for Bella to dramatically arrive and save him from himself, seconds before death -- although that would be horribly cliche, and as we all know, Meyer is way too clever to let that happen.
Sure enough, Alice sees the Volturi decide to reject Edward's request. They think his ability could be very useful in their organization, and would hate to see it go to waste. So there's still hope...who could have guessed?
Bella asks about Alice's abilities some more, then says she wishes she was always right, and that she really could have become a vampire already. Alice has a great (and very unexpected) response: she thinks the whole "will they or won't they" situation has gotten way out of control, and that it's time for Bella to lose her vamp-ginity already. In fact, Alice wants to do it herself. The amount of Bella/Alice slash fanfiction just tripled.
Bella makes the horrible (and loud) suggestion that Alice bite her right now to get it over with, forgetting that she's not going to be much help with Edward if she's writhing in pain for the next few days. Oh, and Alice might just kill her rather than stop in time. For some reason, Bella feels like that's a chance worth taking, likely because Bella is an idiot. Alice reminds her that this isn't happening until they get out of Italy alive anyway, so they can always discuss it again later.
Bella sleeps for a while, then Alice wakes her to tell her that the Volturi have, in fact, said no to Edward (something Bella could never do, am I right?). Edward's first plan -- at least the first one Alice sees -- is to go hunting in Volterra, but then he changes his mind, probably to avoid disappointing Carlisle. Instead, he's going to walk out into the sun, in the main plaza of the city, at high noon.
The plane arrives in Florence. Alice steals a very fast car, because Alice is awesome and does things like that. More fun information: today is Saint Marcus Day, so there's a festival in Volterra which honors St. Marcus for driving all the vampires from Volterra 1,500 years ago before being martyred in Romania. In reality, he's still living among the Volturi today. Hilarious!
Alice reaches the city in record time. Her last piece of advice for Bella?
Haha, Edward is DOOMED.
Just kidding - they anticipated this and took a flight that avoided the volcano's path; Going Seattle to New York to Cairo to Rome was time consuming, but well worth the wait.
Just kidding again, since Twilight wasn't ripped from today's headlines. By the way, I was thinking about just how fast vampires are. We know that Edward is particularly fast, and that when he takes Bella to the meadow, he takes about five minutes to travel over five miles. Even with Bella on his back, he's moving at about 60 MPH. At that pace, he's still around the same speed as the rest of his family, and Bella isn't slowing him down that much, so I guess he probably hits 70-80 , maybe 90 under carefully controlled conditions. So liking fast cars makes sense, since (unless there's a great shortcut you can take by foot), it's still faster to travel in them than with your vampire speed.
Anyway, Alice makes some calls to call off all the Cullen dogs. She knows that the minute Edward senses one of them approaching, he'll find a way to get himself killed immediately. They also have no chance of outfighting the Volturi to save him. The only person who can get close without setting off his alarm bells is Bella -- with the added benefit that seeing her will probably prove to Edward that she's not dead.
Bella and Alice discuss all of this on the plane. Nobody is listening, but that still seems a little careless to me. Bella wants to know more about the Volturi, which means Alice can pass the first few hours of the plane ride with some lengthy exposition. So, it's rare for lots of vampires to live together -- they mostly travel alone or with a mate/life partner. The Cullens are, in fact, the second biggest group of vampires in the world (to the best of Alice's knowledge), with the exception of the Volturi. There are five family members (all over 3,000 years old), along with nine permanent guards and a larger number of temp-pires.
With that kind of power, nobody screws with the Volturi -- they really are treated like royalty in the vampire world. They take that position seriously, aggressively enforcing the only rule of Vampire Club - you do not talk about Vampire Club. Sometimes someone goes crazy or gets bored, and they threaten to make the secret sparkle society public, so the Volturi step in and put them down before it's too late.
Edward is actually headed to them to request death, which is odd; there aren't many suicidal vampires out there. There's only one chance to save him; hopefully, the Volturi won't honor his request, and then he'll decide to be overly theatrical in his method of forcing their hand. Maybe this will give them just enough time for Bella to dramatically arrive and save him from himself, seconds before death -- although that would be horribly cliche, and as we all know, Meyer is way too clever to let that happen.
Sure enough, Alice sees the Volturi decide to reject Edward's request. They think his ability could be very useful in their organization, and would hate to see it go to waste. So there's still hope...who could have guessed?
Bella asks about Alice's abilities some more, then says she wishes she was always right, and that she really could have become a vampire already. Alice has a great (and very unexpected) response: she thinks the whole "will they or won't they" situation has gotten way out of control, and that it's time for Bella to lose her vamp-ginity already. In fact, Alice wants to do it herself. The amount of Bella/Alice slash fanfiction just tripled.
Bella makes the horrible (and loud) suggestion that Alice bite her right now to get it over with, forgetting that she's not going to be much help with Edward if she's writhing in pain for the next few days. Oh, and Alice might just kill her rather than stop in time. For some reason, Bella feels like that's a chance worth taking, likely because Bella is an idiot. Alice reminds her that this isn't happening until they get out of Italy alive anyway, so they can always discuss it again later.
Bella sleeps for a while, then Alice wakes her to tell her that the Volturi have, in fact, said no to Edward (something Bella could never do, am I right?). Edward's first plan -- at least the first one Alice sees -- is to go hunting in Volterra, but then he changes his mind, probably to avoid disappointing Carlisle. Instead, he's going to walk out into the sun, in the main plaza of the city, at high noon.
The plane arrives in Florence. Alice steals a very fast car, because Alice is awesome and does things like that. More fun information: today is Saint Marcus Day, so there's a festival in Volterra which honors St. Marcus for driving all the vampires from Volterra 1,500 years ago before being martyred in Romania. In reality, he's still living among the Volturi today. Hilarious!
Alice reaches the city in record time. Her last piece of advice for Bella?
"Try not to trip," she added. "We don't have time for a concussion today."
Haha, Edward is DOOMED.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Chapter Eighteen: Let's be vague, no need to verify things like death.
Jacob is at the door, with Alice nowhere to be seen. He's not very happy about a vampire living in the Swan home, because -- just catching up for those of you who are new here -- werewolves and vampires don't get along very well. Jacob is happy to at least know it's only Alice, that no other vampires will be moving into the area anytime soon, and that Alice has been made aware of the Victoria situation so she can help with Bella protection duties.
Jacob is eager for Alice to leave, because he's not interested in things like Alice/Bella slash fiction; he just wants the icky vampires to be gone. Bella doesn't understand why she can't be friends with everyone all the time, but while Jacob feels a little bad for making Bella sad, he doesn't think that'll work. He also thinks Bella smells even worse than usual, because now she has some sort of weird freesia/vampire mix, which just isn't working for her at all. Alice doesn't like the werewolf smell either, while Bella (of course) thinks everyone smells just fine. Personally, I think people should spend less time smelling each other in this novel, and more time getting into epic supernatural fights...but then, I'm not a bestselling author.
Jacob says that vampires and werewolves hating each other is just the way things are, which seems an awful lot like the justification used for every horrible thing ever done in human history. Bella doesn't like it, and stares at Jacob. Who stares back at her. Who stares back at him, staring back at her. STARING. Then Jacob moves in for a kiss, and Bella can't decide if she wants to or not, so she stares some more.
Instead, the phone rings just in time, in another one of those "made for the movie" moments we all love so much. Jacob answers the phone, speaks to someone who clearly bothers him, and says only two things: "He's not here," and "He's at the funeral."
Jacob uses a horrible anti-vampire slur -- bloodsucker -- to refer to the person he just got off the phone with. The caller identified themselves as Dr. Carlisle Cullen, and hung up after getting his questions answered. Bella is mad that he didn't let her talk, but Jacob didn't really break any rules -- other than the "answering someone else's phone and then acting like a dick to the person on the other end" rule, of course.
Alice comes back in, looking less than thrilled. She can only say "Edward," and the name itself nearly makes Bella faint...really, Bella? REALLY? Anyway, Alice immediately calls Carlisle, but gets Rosalie instead, who has clearly done something awful based on the half a conversation we hear.
Turns out that Carlisle wasn't the one on the phone -- it was that sneaky bastard Edward looking for information on Bella. And what do you know, Charlie just happens to be an A funeral! Not THE funeral for Bella that Edward thinks it is, but why ask for details when you can just make wild assumptions? It also turns out that Rosalie, whose character still hasn't been developed any further than "hot bitch," told Edward about Alice's vision, because that's just the kind of thing family does for each other.
So, Edward thinks Bella is dead. With that knowledge, he's ready for a lovely vacation to Italy. He plans to see the Colosseum, take in a Juventus match or two, and then do something crazy so that the Volturi will be forced to kill him.
Bella, of course, isn't happy with this plan. She finds soccer very boring, and all other things equal, would prefer that Edward not be dead, so she begs Alice to do whatever is possible to try and stop his death. It seems that Edward is going to the Volturi to ask for death, and if they so no -- which Alice thinks is likely -- he'll force them to do the job by causing a disturbance in their 'hood.
Bella wants to leave immediately; Alice is concerned about getting Bella killed. Bella points out that she nearly gets herself killed on a daily basis, which is the smartest and most accurate comment she's ever made in this series. While Bella gets ready to go, Jacob and Alice have a juvenile argument that seems like the sort of things two six-year-olds might have on the playground, only with the added weight of impending doom and supernatural creatures.
Bella is set to go, despite Jacob's pleas. He'd like her, just this once, not to try and kill herself. But Bella will have none of it, and she's off for her flight with Alice. Next time on New Moon: Bella goes to Italy!
Jacob is eager for Alice to leave, because he's not interested in things like Alice/Bella slash fiction; he just wants the icky vampires to be gone. Bella doesn't understand why she can't be friends with everyone all the time, but while Jacob feels a little bad for making Bella sad, he doesn't think that'll work. He also thinks Bella smells even worse than usual, because now she has some sort of weird freesia/vampire mix, which just isn't working for her at all. Alice doesn't like the werewolf smell either, while Bella (of course) thinks everyone smells just fine. Personally, I think people should spend less time smelling each other in this novel, and more time getting into epic supernatural fights...but then, I'm not a bestselling author.
Jacob says that vampires and werewolves hating each other is just the way things are, which seems an awful lot like the justification used for every horrible thing ever done in human history. Bella doesn't like it, and stares at Jacob. Who stares back at her. Who stares back at him, staring back at her. STARING. Then Jacob moves in for a kiss, and Bella can't decide if she wants to or not, so she stares some more.
Instead, the phone rings just in time, in another one of those "made for the movie" moments we all love so much. Jacob answers the phone, speaks to someone who clearly bothers him, and says only two things: "He's not here," and "He's at the funeral."
Jacob uses a horrible anti-vampire slur -- bloodsucker -- to refer to the person he just got off the phone with. The caller identified themselves as Dr. Carlisle Cullen, and hung up after getting his questions answered. Bella is mad that he didn't let her talk, but Jacob didn't really break any rules -- other than the "answering someone else's phone and then acting like a dick to the person on the other end" rule, of course.
Alice comes back in, looking less than thrilled. She can only say "Edward," and the name itself nearly makes Bella faint...really, Bella? REALLY? Anyway, Alice immediately calls Carlisle, but gets Rosalie instead, who has clearly done something awful based on the half a conversation we hear.
Turns out that Carlisle wasn't the one on the phone -- it was that sneaky bastard Edward looking for information on Bella. And what do you know, Charlie just happens to be an A funeral! Not THE funeral for Bella that Edward thinks it is, but why ask for details when you can just make wild assumptions? It also turns out that Rosalie, whose character still hasn't been developed any further than "hot bitch," told Edward about Alice's vision, because that's just the kind of thing family does for each other.
So, Edward thinks Bella is dead. With that knowledge, he's ready for a lovely vacation to Italy. He plans to see the Colosseum, take in a Juventus match or two, and then do something crazy so that the Volturi will be forced to kill him.
Bella, of course, isn't happy with this plan. She finds soccer very boring, and all other things equal, would prefer that Edward not be dead, so she begs Alice to do whatever is possible to try and stop his death. It seems that Edward is going to the Volturi to ask for death, and if they so no -- which Alice thinks is likely -- he'll force them to do the job by causing a disturbance in their 'hood.
Bella wants to leave immediately; Alice is concerned about getting Bella killed. Bella points out that she nearly gets herself killed on a daily basis, which is the smartest and most accurate comment she's ever made in this series. While Bella gets ready to go, Jacob and Alice have a juvenile argument that seems like the sort of things two six-year-olds might have on the playground, only with the added weight of impending doom and supernatural creatures.
Bella is set to go, despite Jacob's pleas. He'd like her, just this once, not to try and kill herself. But Bella will have none of it, and she's off for her flight with Alice. Next time on New Moon: Bella goes to Italy!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Chapter Seventeen: Alice in Bellaland
The mysterious vampire in Bella's house is none other than lovable sister Alice! This is like winning first prize in the Cullen Lotto, just one number off from hitting the Edward Sparklepire Jackpot. Bella completely loses it, with the crying and the falling and the babbling. Even Alice is embarrassed for her. Well, embarrassed, and on the verge of eating her -- she hasn't hunted in a while.
It seems there's been a little mix-up. Alice might have really clear visions, but she doesn't get the director's commentary track. So when she saw Bella jump off a gigantic cliff, she didn't assume Bella had taken up a new sport. No, she thought Bella was trying to kill herself. In a sense, this is true; pretty much everything Bella does seems to have a fair chance of ending in death, but it's not really intentional.
Alice also didn't see Jacob pull her out of the water, which is why she rushed back to Forks, even though she assumed she'd be too late. At least she could hang out with Charlie for a while, and reminisce about the good old days when Bella was only mostly dead. But she's happy to find Bella alive...if a little perplexed about why she couldn't see her get saved, or why she smells so bad.
Bella provides an answer that could conceivably answer both questions: Jacob is a werewolf. This revelation sends Alice into a bit of a fit. See, if you hadn't caught on yet, vampires and werewolves aren't close. Turns out that vampires see werewolves as dangerous, especially young ones who haven't learned to control their tempers yet. Bella knows this is ridiculous; after all, she knows five werewolves, and only one of them has a mutilated fiancee! And yet, Alice is still skeptical.
Bella makes sure they the werewolves at least get credit for keeping her alive, though. She tells Alice the whole story of Laurent and Victoria, pissing her vampire friend off more and more with every detail. Alice apologizes for coming, saying she acted too impulsively. Which is exactly when Bella begs her to stick around for a while, because she's been an absolute mess without any Cullens in her life to tell her exactly what to do with every waking moment. Alice may not be as controlling as Edward the Sparkle God, but at least she's something.
Oh, and then Jacob calls, just to make sure Bella's alive. When she starts to explain, he says he just wanted to make sure, and hangs up. Never change, wolf boy!
Bella convinces Alice to stay for the night, and gets so excited that she gives the bloodthirsty vampire a mouthwatering human hug. At least Alice has some smarts, and excuses herself to go hunt for an hour or so -- about the maximum amount of time she feels comfortable that Bella can keep herself alive without supernatural supervision.
When Alice gets back, Charlie isn't far behind, just home from helping to make arrangements for Harry (remember? The guy who just died? No, you don't, stop pretending). He's cool with Alice staying, since he still owes her for bathing his daughter the last time she was nearly killed by a vampire. As excited as she is to have Alice around, Bella's still a little tired from almost drowning today, so she falls asleep...and when she wakes up later, she hears Alice and Charlie having a conversation.
About her, of course. Charlie had no idea what to do with Bella when she was in her constant state of moping, and then in her zombie phase. But he doesn't blame Alice, and he's noticed the improvement Bella's shown ever since she started hanging out with Jacob. He kind of wants them to hook up, even though he can still tell she's not the same anymore -- it's like someone died, and she hasn't gotten over it. And then Bella has the following thought:
But despite this, Charlie's just not sure it's in Bella's nature to get over stuff, and is afraid that even Alice's visit might not be good for her in the long run. Charlie also asks about Edward, who is apparently in South America somewhere. Charlie sarcastically says that he hopes Edward is enjoying himself, and Alice implies that he's not. After all, there can't possibly be anything on the beaches in Rio that could compare to the greatness that is Bella Swan. So clumsy, so idiotic, so mopey...who could ever forget her?
Charlie heads off to help make funeral arrangements, while Alice and Bella talk about what the Cullens are up to. They've moved to upstate New York, hanging around Ithaca and going to Cornell. Ivy League vampires, they're moving up in the world! Bella spends the next night sleeping on the couch with Alice again, instantly launching a million fanfics.
The next morning, Charlie heads off to the funeral, while Bella and Alice chat and do housework. Suddenly, someone is at the door -- someone Alice can't see. It must be Jacob, which confirms her suspicions that she can't see werewolves in her visions. Mystified as to why the werewolves were given such strong plot armor, Alice excuses herself so she won't have to be in the same room as Jacob when he comes in. Can't we all just get along, even if we're ancient enemies who were designed to kill each other?
It seems there's been a little mix-up. Alice might have really clear visions, but she doesn't get the director's commentary track. So when she saw Bella jump off a gigantic cliff, she didn't assume Bella had taken up a new sport. No, she thought Bella was trying to kill herself. In a sense, this is true; pretty much everything Bella does seems to have a fair chance of ending in death, but it's not really intentional.
Alice also didn't see Jacob pull her out of the water, which is why she rushed back to Forks, even though she assumed she'd be too late. At least she could hang out with Charlie for a while, and reminisce about the good old days when Bella was only mostly dead. But she's happy to find Bella alive...if a little perplexed about why she couldn't see her get saved, or why she smells so bad.
Bella provides an answer that could conceivably answer both questions: Jacob is a werewolf. This revelation sends Alice into a bit of a fit. See, if you hadn't caught on yet, vampires and werewolves aren't close. Turns out that vampires see werewolves as dangerous, especially young ones who haven't learned to control their tempers yet. Bella knows this is ridiculous; after all, she knows five werewolves, and only one of them has a mutilated fiancee! And yet, Alice is still skeptical.
Bella makes sure they the werewolves at least get credit for keeping her alive, though. She tells Alice the whole story of Laurent and Victoria, pissing her vampire friend off more and more with every detail. Alice apologizes for coming, saying she acted too impulsively. Which is exactly when Bella begs her to stick around for a while, because she's been an absolute mess without any Cullens in her life to tell her exactly what to do with every waking moment. Alice may not be as controlling as Edward the Sparkle God, but at least she's something.
Oh, and then Jacob calls, just to make sure Bella's alive. When she starts to explain, he says he just wanted to make sure, and hangs up. Never change, wolf boy!
Bella convinces Alice to stay for the night, and gets so excited that she gives the bloodthirsty vampire a mouthwatering human hug. At least Alice has some smarts, and excuses herself to go hunt for an hour or so -- about the maximum amount of time she feels comfortable that Bella can keep herself alive without supernatural supervision.
When Alice gets back, Charlie isn't far behind, just home from helping to make arrangements for Harry (remember? The guy who just died? No, you don't, stop pretending). He's cool with Alice staying, since he still owes her for bathing his daughter the last time she was nearly killed by a vampire. As excited as she is to have Alice around, Bella's still a little tired from almost drowning today, so she falls asleep...and when she wakes up later, she hears Alice and Charlie having a conversation.
About her, of course. Charlie had no idea what to do with Bella when she was in her constant state of moping, and then in her zombie phase. But he doesn't blame Alice, and he's noticed the improvement Bella's shown ever since she started hanging out with Jacob. He kind of wants them to hook up, even though he can still tell she's not the same anymore -- it's like someone died, and she hasn't gotten over it. And then Bella has the following thought:
It was like someone had died -- like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill someone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family -- the whole life that I'd chosen...Yes, that truest of true loves, the kind that develops over the course of a few months between a teenage girl and her 108-year-old vampire boyfriend, complete with stalking and near-death experiences. Romeo and Juliet have nothing on them.
But despite this, Charlie's just not sure it's in Bella's nature to get over stuff, and is afraid that even Alice's visit might not be good for her in the long run. Charlie also asks about Edward, who is apparently in South America somewhere. Charlie sarcastically says that he hopes Edward is enjoying himself, and Alice implies that he's not. After all, there can't possibly be anything on the beaches in Rio that could compare to the greatness that is Bella Swan. So clumsy, so idiotic, so mopey...who could ever forget her?
Charlie heads off to help make funeral arrangements, while Alice and Bella talk about what the Cullens are up to. They've moved to upstate New York, hanging around Ithaca and going to Cornell. Ivy League vampires, they're moving up in the world! Bella spends the next night sleeping on the couch with Alice again, instantly launching a million fanfics.
The next morning, Charlie heads off to the funeral, while Bella and Alice chat and do housework. Suddenly, someone is at the door -- someone Alice can't see. It must be Jacob, which confirms her suspicions that she can't see werewolves in her visions. Mystified as to why the werewolves were given such strong plot armor, Alice excuses herself so she won't have to be in the same room as Jacob when he comes in. Can't we all just get along, even if we're ancient enemies who were designed to kill each other?
Chapter Sixteen: An American werewolf is Paris.
Oh my god, Bella is going to drown! She's about to die! It's all over...no. She's fine, because Jacob showed up to rescue her just in the nick of time. How convenient. Jacob uses his wolf strength to get all the water out of Bella's lungs, thus making everything okay again. If Victoria really wants Bella dead, maybe she should just hang out with Jacob for a few hours and leave Bella to her own devices. Bella and Jacob agree that her actions were stupid, which by this point is a bit redundant.
Meanwhile, while Bella was off nearly killing herself, someone people actually like -- Harry Clearwater -- had a heart attack and is in the hospital. Harry is friends with Billy and Charlie, and it's not looking good. Now Bella feels guilty for wasting everyone's time with her stupidity. A little late now, little miss "I need to hear my subconscious version of Edward's voice." She is sent to rest on the couch in the Black residence, where Jacob decides to take a nap too -- apparently his snoring is as good as Edward's lullabies when it comes to putting Bella to sleep.
Bella actually has a non-literal dream for a change, but still wakes up with a very clear thought of what it was about. She basically puts herself in the shoes of Juliet, because Shakespeare has nothing on the Twilight series. So, her thought: what if Romeo hadn't ultimately wanted to be with Juliet? She would have thought about Romeo every day for the rest of her life, obviously; Bella is totally an expert on this, having had less than a year to get over Edward and knowing that she'd never do it even in another 50 years.
Then she wonders about Juliet's other suitor, Paris. He's not really much of a well-developed character, but what if he were also Juliet's best friend? What if he were also a werewolf and named Jacob? And what if they both wanted to make each other happy, even if Bella/Juliet didn't quite have the same kind of love for her werewolf best friend? Should they still string them along for a lifetime of an unfulfilling marriage where neither party is actually happy, but both sides can pretend for decades while secretly being miserable?
Okay, I suppose Bella didn't actually think that last part. But it's exactly what would happen if Bella followed the Paris plan of action she's considering. Luckily, even she's (barely) smart enough not to do that. Barely. I hope.
Anyway, Billy comes home with the news that Harry has passed away, which would be sadder if we knew Harry a little better. But I think as readers we're supposed to assume Harry was a great guy, so a moment of silence for Harry Clearwater, please...
...
Thanks! Jacob drives Bella home, and on the way, she once again considers whether or not stringing Jacob along in a pseudo-relationship is a terribly cruel thing to do (the correct answer, kids, is YES). Now she decides that she just wants to "stake a claim" to Jacob, so that he'll always be there as a safe harbor. First, she'll explain everything: that she's a broken shell of a woman, who would only be able to commit what's left of her pathetic self to Jacob, while still being madly in love with Edward (and still wanting to hear Headward) for the rest of her life. What a deal, who could possibly say no to that?
And yet Jacob, being a teenage boy and having his own set of issues, would almost certainly say yes. That's the basis of a healthy relationship if I've ever seen one. And Bella wonders if this would be wrong. YES, YES IT WOULD. Is it that hard to figure out?
And then, in a scene written in the same "this will look great in the movie" tradition of Dan Brown, Bella has a chance to make a move on Jacob, and even Headward tells her to be happy...which stiffens her up enough for Jacob to back off, ending the moment. Which could have made things awkward, but then Jacob smells something...
VAMPIRE ALERT!
Jacob makes a snap decision to get Bella out of there rather than phase into werewolf mode and starts the truck again, only for Bella to see that Carlisle's car is parked outside her house. It's a Cullen, not Victoria, she realizes, and gets Jacob to calm down for a minute while they sort things out. Bella has clearly defined levels of excitement about this, and decides that she's only going to hope for Carlisle. Apparently, even Esme gets her way too excited, but Carlisle...eh, not too exciting. Poor Carlisle -- I think he's a pretty cool guy, at least.
Bella want to go back, but Jacob won't take her -- werewolves and vampires don't get along so well 'round these parts. Bella insists though, so he lets her go on her own, and gives her a very warm goodbye:
Once Bella enters her house, she starts wondering if maybe the car could somehow be a trick. And then she figures something else out too, as she pushes her mind to the absolute limits of understanding the obvious after only a few hours: Jacob has told her that vampires have the advantage in the water, and she saw something that looked like fire on the water when she jumped off the cliff. Victoria has red hair. And now there's a vampire in her house. Oops.
Don't worry -- of course it's a Cullen. But who is Bella's mystery date? Find out next time on Twilight!
Meanwhile, while Bella was off nearly killing herself, someone people actually like -- Harry Clearwater -- had a heart attack and is in the hospital. Harry is friends with Billy and Charlie, and it's not looking good. Now Bella feels guilty for wasting everyone's time with her stupidity. A little late now, little miss "I need to hear my subconscious version of Edward's voice." She is sent to rest on the couch in the Black residence, where Jacob decides to take a nap too -- apparently his snoring is as good as Edward's lullabies when it comes to putting Bella to sleep.
Bella actually has a non-literal dream for a change, but still wakes up with a very clear thought of what it was about. She basically puts herself in the shoes of Juliet, because Shakespeare has nothing on the Twilight series. So, her thought: what if Romeo hadn't ultimately wanted to be with Juliet? She would have thought about Romeo every day for the rest of her life, obviously; Bella is totally an expert on this, having had less than a year to get over Edward and knowing that she'd never do it even in another 50 years.
Then she wonders about Juliet's other suitor, Paris. He's not really much of a well-developed character, but what if he were also Juliet's best friend? What if he were also a werewolf and named Jacob? And what if they both wanted to make each other happy, even if Bella/Juliet didn't quite have the same kind of love for her werewolf best friend? Should they still string them along for a lifetime of an unfulfilling marriage where neither party is actually happy, but both sides can pretend for decades while secretly being miserable?
Okay, I suppose Bella didn't actually think that last part. But it's exactly what would happen if Bella followed the Paris plan of action she's considering. Luckily, even she's (barely) smart enough not to do that. Barely. I hope.
Anyway, Billy comes home with the news that Harry has passed away, which would be sadder if we knew Harry a little better. But I think as readers we're supposed to assume Harry was a great guy, so a moment of silence for Harry Clearwater, please...
...
Thanks! Jacob drives Bella home, and on the way, she once again considers whether or not stringing Jacob along in a pseudo-relationship is a terribly cruel thing to do (the correct answer, kids, is YES). Now she decides that she just wants to "stake a claim" to Jacob, so that he'll always be there as a safe harbor. First, she'll explain everything: that she's a broken shell of a woman, who would only be able to commit what's left of her pathetic self to Jacob, while still being madly in love with Edward (and still wanting to hear Headward) for the rest of her life. What a deal, who could possibly say no to that?
And yet Jacob, being a teenage boy and having his own set of issues, would almost certainly say yes. That's the basis of a healthy relationship if I've ever seen one. And Bella wonders if this would be wrong. YES, YES IT WOULD. Is it that hard to figure out?
And then, in a scene written in the same "this will look great in the movie" tradition of Dan Brown, Bella has a chance to make a move on Jacob, and even Headward tells her to be happy...which stiffens her up enough for Jacob to back off, ending the moment. Which could have made things awkward, but then Jacob smells something...
VAMPIRE ALERT!
Jacob makes a snap decision to get Bella out of there rather than phase into werewolf mode and starts the truck again, only for Bella to see that Carlisle's car is parked outside her house. It's a Cullen, not Victoria, she realizes, and gets Jacob to calm down for a minute while they sort things out. Bella has clearly defined levels of excitement about this, and decides that she's only going to hope for Carlisle. Apparently, even Esme gets her way too excited, but Carlisle...eh, not too exciting. Poor Carlisle -- I think he's a pretty cool guy, at least.
Bella want to go back, but Jacob won't take her -- werewolves and vampires don't get along so well 'round these parts. Bella insists though, so he lets her go on her own, and gives her a very warm goodbye:
"Bye, Bella, I really hope you don't die."Wow, Jacob, bitter much?
Once Bella enters her house, she starts wondering if maybe the car could somehow be a trick. And then she figures something else out too, as she pushes her mind to the absolute limits of understanding the obvious after only a few hours: Jacob has told her that vampires have the advantage in the water, and she saw something that looked like fire on the water when she jumped off the cliff. Victoria has red hair. And now there's a vampire in her house. Oops.
Don't worry -- of course it's a Cullen. But who is Bella's mystery date? Find out next time on Twilight!
Chapter Fifteen: Wolves Gone Wild
Spring break, WOO!
Oh, it's Spring break in Forks. Lame. Bella spends most of her time down in La Push, so that the werewolves can stop Victoria from eating her so much. Jacob acts all boyfriendy around Bella, but it doesn't bother her because they both know the truth. Even though everyone can tell he's totally in love with her and she knows she's sort of leading him on, it's okay because....umm, because Bella says so. Okay, sure.
Jacob expositions out a little more about werewolves for Bella. For instance, werewolves are hot! Umm, literally, because they run body temperatures of around 108-109. Quil's been burning up, so he's expected to come off the werewolf assembly line next. It really sucks when you first become one, apparently; you freak out a lot, which I suppose is easy to imagine when one day you feel a little sick, and the next you're a giant freaking wolf for no apparent reason. For Jacob, feeling out of control is the worst part; the best part is Bella knowing about him, becausemaybe now she's think he's hot and date him it gives him a friend (just a friend, really!) to confide in.
Hold on to your hats though: Jacob just happens to be really good at being a werewolf. Who knew? It comes so easily to him, he's an amazing fighter, he can phase between his forms with little effort. He's the Edward of werewolves! In his case, it's genetic; two of his ancestors were among the last wolf pack when the Cullens first showed up in Forks.
It turns out werewolves are very fast -- fast enough to catch vampires. Don't worry though, this won't make Bella think that werewolves have a chance in hell against vampires in a fight. I think Bella bases fighting ability on how much creatures sparkle.
Jacob wants to know something about vampires: namely, how Bella can stand being around them. Or why Edward killed James. So Bella shows him why it's totally okay to be around vampires: her scar from when James bit her. That'll clear everything up. To calm Jake down from learning that his best friend was nearly killed by a vampire a few months ago, she tells him all about the Cullen superpowers. Unfortunately, thinking about them makes her dizzy, and forces her to grab on tight to her hole. Jacob asks about her mysterious hole, and why she needs to play with it so much -- the kind of question every teenage boy needs to ask once in a while. In the end, Bella and Jacob agree that they both have issues. I have no argument with that.
Bella spends most of the rest of her break worrying about everyone getting eaten by vampires, or shot at by hunters, or possibly even shot at by vampires (there's no reason they couldn't use guns, is there?). Jacob decides she needs to do something fun soon before she gets all mopey again, and suggests he keep his promise to go cliff diving with her. Given Bella's record, she'll probably die before she even hits the water, but at least she'll probably get to hear Headward again!
And so after some more brooding about whether Victoria will kill all the werewolves somehow, and a little moping, it's time for cliff diving -- only Jacob can't get away from his pack responsibilities, so Bella shows her typical good judgment and decides to go alone. Even better, instead of jumping from the lower ledge, she manages to find her way up to the very top of the cliff, where the werewolves like jumping from. Sure, Bella, this is going to end well for you.
Headward agrees with my assessment, and tries to stop Bella to no avail. Of course, the more she tries to kill herself, the more she gets to hear her sparkly god! And, so, she jumps.
And falls. And lands in the icy cold water, so proud of herself for not dying...until the current catches her, and she realizes that she's entirely screwed. She tries and tries, and listens to the vampire in her head, but she can't even tell where the surface is or which way to swim. Bella isn't exactly a doer, so giving up seems like a really good idea to her right about now.
At the last moment, Bella hits something hard that starts to drag her away. For the three of you out there who can't figure it out yet, I apologize for the spoilers -- we technically don't learn this until the beginning of the next chapter, but the "something hard" is Jacob coming to save her, and she's not going to die -- we could never be so lucky. So close though...so close.
Oh, it's Spring break in Forks. Lame. Bella spends most of her time down in La Push, so that the werewolves can stop Victoria from eating her so much. Jacob acts all boyfriendy around Bella, but it doesn't bother her because they both know the truth. Even though everyone can tell he's totally in love with her and she knows she's sort of leading him on, it's okay because....umm, because Bella says so. Okay, sure.
Jacob expositions out a little more about werewolves for Bella. For instance, werewolves are hot! Umm, literally, because they run body temperatures of around 108-109. Quil's been burning up, so he's expected to come off the werewolf assembly line next. It really sucks when you first become one, apparently; you freak out a lot, which I suppose is easy to imagine when one day you feel a little sick, and the next you're a giant freaking wolf for no apparent reason. For Jacob, feeling out of control is the worst part; the best part is Bella knowing about him, because
Hold on to your hats though: Jacob just happens to be really good at being a werewolf. Who knew? It comes so easily to him, he's an amazing fighter, he can phase between his forms with little effort. He's the Edward of werewolves! In his case, it's genetic; two of his ancestors were among the last wolf pack when the Cullens first showed up in Forks.
It turns out werewolves are very fast -- fast enough to catch vampires. Don't worry though, this won't make Bella think that werewolves have a chance in hell against vampires in a fight. I think Bella bases fighting ability on how much creatures sparkle.
Jacob wants to know something about vampires: namely, how Bella can stand being around them. Or why Edward killed James. So Bella shows him why it's totally okay to be around vampires: her scar from when James bit her. That'll clear everything up. To calm Jake down from learning that his best friend was nearly killed by a vampire a few months ago, she tells him all about the Cullen superpowers. Unfortunately, thinking about them makes her dizzy, and forces her to grab on tight to her hole. Jacob asks about her mysterious hole, and why she needs to play with it so much -- the kind of question every teenage boy needs to ask once in a while. In the end, Bella and Jacob agree that they both have issues. I have no argument with that.
Bella spends most of the rest of her break worrying about everyone getting eaten by vampires, or shot at by hunters, or possibly even shot at by vampires (there's no reason they couldn't use guns, is there?). Jacob decides she needs to do something fun soon before she gets all mopey again, and suggests he keep his promise to go cliff diving with her. Given Bella's record, she'll probably die before she even hits the water, but at least she'll probably get to hear Headward again!
And so after some more brooding about whether Victoria will kill all the werewolves somehow, and a little moping, it's time for cliff diving -- only Jacob can't get away from his pack responsibilities, so Bella shows her typical good judgment and decides to go alone. Even better, instead of jumping from the lower ledge, she manages to find her way up to the very top of the cliff, where the werewolves like jumping from. Sure, Bella, this is going to end well for you.
Headward agrees with my assessment, and tries to stop Bella to no avail. Of course, the more she tries to kill herself, the more she gets to hear her sparkly god! And, so, she jumps.
And falls. And lands in the icy cold water, so proud of herself for not dying...until the current catches her, and she realizes that she's entirely screwed. She tries and tries, and listens to the vampire in her head, but she can't even tell where the surface is or which way to swim. Bella isn't exactly a doer, so giving up seems like a really good idea to her right about now.
At the last moment, Bella hits something hard that starts to drag her away. For the three of you out there who can't figure it out yet, I apologize for the spoilers -- we technically don't learn this until the beginning of the next chapter, but the "something hard" is Jacob coming to save her, and she's not going to die -- we could never be so lucky. So close though...so close.
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